Thursday, March 23, 2017

He Has A Girlfriend & the BLOW OFF

We've all been there. We meet a cute, sweet guy and he seems too good to be true. This is because he is. Things seem a little shady, but he has an explanation for everything and it rolls off his tongue so effortlessly. OK, so maybe we haven't ALL been there. Maybe I've been there more than the average girl. For some reason I'm drawn to what I can't have and even more alarming, guys with girlfriends seem incredibly drawn to me.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: season finale

There's so much heavy analysis that needs to go into what we witnessed on the finale...

The episode starts with Nick's family arriving in Finland to meet his two girlfriends and potential wives. Raven's first at bat.

I'm going to pretend that Raven's freaky eye makeup is the work of an evil producer who convinced her that it's not only acceptable, but also breathtakingly beautiful, to use an entire tube of mascara on your lower lashes. The Viall family deserves a Nobel peace prize for being able to overlook Raven's crusty lashes and her long, stringy, Morticia Adams black hair. Sometimes I feel like Raven is actually a character from an urban legend who somehow found a way to infiltrate our world.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 10

Here are my top ten thoughts on Tuesday's three hour epic.

10. I might be in love with Nick. He has a way with words, he wore good sweaters this week, he cries well, and... dat ass doe.

9. I loved Raven's post-orgasm montage. I wish I could have my own montage after every time I had an orgasm. It would include running in a field with a litter of pugs, eating lots of ice cream, and having more orgasms. There's a good chance that Nick actually give her a faux-gasm though. Either way, I feel really bad that she announced to the world that her ex-bf couldn't get the job done in ten years and Nick managed to do it in one night. OR, Raven's had thousands of orgasms and this was all a ploy to make Nick feel like da man. In which case, she's fucking brilliant.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

Did Nick tell Raven that linking pinkies will give her an orgasm?
I nearly took a bat to my television when I realized this week's episode of The Bachelor was only one hour. I need that additional sixty minutes each week to feel better about my life choices. Thank God I had an episode of Vanderpump Rules on my DVR to remind myself that unlike the Sur staff, I am not a waste of flesh. I hope those douchebags are all organ donors. (Side note: how much did you guys laugh when Sandoval called Schwartz a battered wife and kicked the door open on him?)

Back to The Bachelor.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

If this season had a theme, it would be: rose ceremonies are super sucky and we refuse to film them. Slick Nick pays the remaining four contestants a visit at their hotel in Bimini and SHOCKS them by casually giving them each a rose. Why is this treated as a huge twist? I have no idea. We all know there's always four people who get hometown dates. The show has never wavered from its narrative structure.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

If you are new to this blog, it might look like all we do is recap the Bachelor, but that wasn't always the case. There was a time I used to write about relationships. But then I went and had a baby and now I don't even have time to write a proper post about how we should all be embarrassed to celebrate Valentine's Day.
shameless plug for my baby boy.
Ahem: Valentine's Day is stupid. Babies are so cute, but hard to take care of. I still love my dog as much as I did before I had a baby.