Wednesday, March 7, 2018

I can't stop writing about the Bachelor. SEND HELP.

Father, forgive me. It's been EIGHT months since our last blow off post. I've been so busy that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's divorce couldn't bring me out of my blogging hiatus... but how could I not share my non-expert opinions on the last two episodes of The Bachelor?!

Guys, we may have Arie to thank for resurrecting this site completely.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

How Bachelor in Paradise Made Me Believe in Love Again

 Since Saaara is sadly no longer posting Bachelor updates, I thought I'd help ease your pain and share how tonight's episode of Bachelor in Paradise made me believe in love again.

Yesterday, I officially gave up on love. I told my mom, my sister and my best friend that I was done. I like my job, I like bubble baths and I love my dog. If this is my life, there are worse things. For example, I watched a Lifetime movie called "Girl in the Box" about a girl who was kidnapped by a couple, locked in a box and forced to be their slave. I have it pretty dang good. I even posted a cheesy quote on Instagram about how I'm fine being single forever and if love comes great, but love has not come easy for me and I'm sick of trying.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: season finale

Have we all recovered from last night's finale? The correct answer to this question is NO. I will never recover from last night's finale. The way it ended will never not hurt. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm heartbroken. I truly believe we witnessed someone make the biggest mistake of their life. I don't know if this will be a recap or just an epic rant about fame and modern love and diamond engagement rings. I apologize if what follows is just a litany of complaints. Beginning with:

Monday, August 7, 2017

RIP: Chris Pratt & Anna Faris

This one is kind of a bummer, but after the initial shock wore off I'm not totally surprised by the news. Chris Pratt & Anna Faris's marriage experienced a term I just coined called a "cosmic success shift."

When Pratt & Faris first got together, she was the more successful person in the relationship. No one knew who he was. Eventually, he booked a role on Parks & Recreation and got more visibility, but she was still more famous than him. AND THEN Guardians of the Galaxy came out, became a blockbuster hit, and Pratt turned into a Tom Cruise caliber movie star. Meanwhile, she signed on for a role on a Chuck Lorre multi-cam. All of this happened around the same time that they had a child. So while he was off traveling the world and promoting his movies, she took a job that would keep her closer to home. Dare I say that this is what happens when you become a mom?

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

If this season of the Bachelor proves anything, it's this: Chris Harrison does not need to get paid for being the host of this show. Poor Rachel has been pulling double duty as the host of this show. Harrison has been missing in action throughout the entire season. Where has he been? Three guesses:

#1 In a teepee, doing ayahuasca with a girl he met at Burning Man.
#2 He's actually artificial intelligence and anytime we don't see him on the show, he's getting a software upgrade.
#3 He's rolling around in a room of gold coins, laughing at the fact that he still gets paid a shit-ton of money to make brief appearances to explain one on one dates to America.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

In all honesty, ABC should have spent a total of five minutes on the first three hometown dates that were featured in this episode, and two hours on Dean's family. I'm talking a commercial free two hours. Fuck it. I'm talking limited series on FX produced by Ryan Murphy and starring Dean's family. I have so many mixed emotions about the very awkward meet and greet, but we'll get to it shortly. Here's all you need to know about the other hometown dates.