Wednesday, February 10, 2010

John Mayer: Blown off to Douche Bag Island

Douche Bag Island is currently populated with Spencer and Heidi "freaky face" Pratt, but now we're sending John Mayer to hang out with them.
What's crazy about John Mayer is that for some weird reason, he's not really called out for being a douche bag often enough. I think it's because he plays guitar and dates hot girls, but trust us, he's the douchiest. Ladies, stop dating him. He's lame!
Here are the top five reasons why:

5. He's one of those guys that thinks he's funny, but makes super awkward and uncomfortable jokes that no one laughs at, and not in a Michael Scott kind of way. When asked if he dates black women: "I don't think I open myself to it. My d*ck is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin' David Duke c*ck. I'm going to start dating separately from my d*ck." Uh, dude. shut the F up.

4. Guys who kiss and tell = douches, especially when it's on their twitter account or to Playboy Magazine. On dating Jessica Simpson: "Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f*ckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep f*cking you." We will pay him 10K to shut the F up.

3. If the rumors are true that he's dating Taylor Swift, then he's also heebeegeebee inducing.

2. He's one of the only guys that looks less hot playing guitar. Not that he's even that hot to begin with.

1. His music! His songs are so freaking boring. We'd put him in the same category with Kenny G and Yanni. Maybe Taylor can teach him to write something catchy.

Bye, John Mayer. You've been douche-bagged.

3 comments:

  1. wow. you just captured his douchiness to a T girl!! great post. good riddance!

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  2. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2010/02/10/entertainment/e132641S54.DTL&tsp=1

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  3. I knew there was a reason why I can't stand his music. Total douche patrol.

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