Monday, March 15, 2010

SAF: Blowin' Off My Type Matrix

My customers often ask me, "Why are you single?" It's an obnoxious question, but I admit it deserves some consideration. I'm smart and charming. I can also be funny when prompted. But I've been single for a really long time! Is nearly five years a long time? Yes, Kayoko. Yes it is.

Then, I thought about it: maybe it's my TYPE.

Over burritos one night, my girlfriend and I put my theory to the test. I drew a matrix, lining up the boys I've dated down the rows, and named common traits (however superficial) along the columns.

This is what I've come up with for the last five guys I've been with, starting with my last serious relationship:

Isn't this crazy? The cat's out of the bag: I have a type. Tattooed, socially awkward, glasses-wearing, internetz-obsessed, artist-musician-writer types seem to win me over EVERY EFFING TIME.

But then I thought... what about me?? I couldn't just blame it on these boys I have been with, this so-called type. Self-reflection took over me: WHY do I fall for boys like this?

Answer: because this is ME.

Glasses. Writer. Internetz-overly-obsessed. And yes, I can be awkward. I checked off everything except for "tattoo" and "mommy and daddy issues" (which I don't think I have, cross my heart).

The clouds parted and bright fluorescent lights poured down over me. Could it be true? Have I been dating myself for the last several years?? Is this the most narcissistic, vain thing you've ever heard of? Yes, it is.

Now, let's dig deeper. Out of these five lovely gentlemen, I was blown off, in one form or another, by four of them. One being the Magical Blow Off, and another being a dude who ended up getting back together with his exgf. And MARRYING HER. "It's not you," they always say, "it's me."

[Well, fuck you. Oh, and your sleeve is fucking cheesy and I'm sorry you have to live with a picture of a giant deer on your arm for the rest of your life. Love, Bitter Betty.]

All this to say that I'm changing it up. I can't keep living this conundrum of a life forever! 30 is right around the corner like the Smoke Monster, waiting to grab hold and pull me into its darkness. Yes, it's time to blow off this Type Matrix of mine.

This means no more tattoos, glasses or facial hair. No one who can't hang with my friends without me having to hold their hand through it. Extra credit if I can't find you on Facebook or Twitter.

For my birthday next month, I'm gifting myself some contacts. And a Freudian psychoanalyst.

Kayoko tends bar in the Bay Area, CA. Find out what she's eating and drinking on her food site, Umamimart.


  1. you should start dating short jewish men, salt and pepper hair optional - think jason schwartzman or ben stiller. they make great husbands!

  2. This is quite possibly my favorite post so far. Here's are a couple links to some stuff I came across awhile back:
    and then, of course, the original paper:

  3. one of my faves too! No more hipsters, kayoko! I think your next guy can only have one check in the type matrix!

  4. Slim- One blow off from this type matrix was a tall jewish man. So maybe I'll try a short one. We all know I love Max Fischer.

    TN- These articles are great. although in the end, I do think having a partner who is complimentary is better than dating yourself.

    Sara- Thanks for letting me commiserate on here.

  5. omigod kayoko, i'm running home to write up my very own type matrix- you're a flippin' GENIUS!!