Monday, March 1, 2010

Sex with an Ex: Yay or Nay?

One of the hardest things about a break up is the realization that you will never ever be physical with that person again.  Even if you're the one ending the relationship, it can be a hard thing to wrap your brain around.  Suddenly, the person that's seen you naked won't even hold your hand in public.  The best you'll get out of them ever again is an awkward hug or a fist bump.  

Reminiscing about the last time you had sex with a person you really cared about can suck. Which is why I always thought people should have one more romp for old time's sake, just to see how much more effort you'll put in knowing it's the last impression you're gonna leave on a person.

Maybe the lack of goodbye sex is the reason a lot of people end up sleeping with an ex after a break up.  I've had physical "altercations" with exes a few times.  The first time was with my high school boyfriend who dumped me my sophomore year in college (to be fair, I dumped him first my freshman year).  On Valentine's Day he showed up at my dorm room with chocolate and flowers and begged me to take him back (sucker!)  I turned him down, but I made out with him. My bruised ego from getting dumped was now healed.  

The second time was with an older guy in college who I dumped my high school boyfriend for, only to get blown off by college guy once there was the prospect of things getting serious.   Older college guy paid me a visit my senior year and one thing led to another.  I was lonely and he was there and it was comfortable.   And yes, he had a girlfriend at the time, but that's a shameful post of its own.   

My last sex with an ex incident happened a few years back when I was living in NY and visiting my sister in SF.   I had dinner with an ex-bf that I still had feelings for, but who I knew had a girlfriend.  At dinner, I learned he was newly single.  At the bar, he started getting touchy feely, back at his place I ended up spending the night.  That was one of those "i can't believe this is happening" hook ups.  I was over the moon, especially when I learned he was moving to NY the next month.   I thought the stars were aligned, this was finally our chance to be together, I really did mean something to him, blah blah blah.   He moved to NY and told me he just wanted to be friends.  Weeks later, my good friend was devastated over a break up with a serious boyfriend so she consoled herself by sleeping with the boyfriend she had before him.  That's when it dawned on me, the ex sex I had in San Francisco which to me was a sign that we were meant to be, was from his point of view nothing more than consolation sex .  He was lonely, I was there, and it was comfortable.  

Sex with an ex is at times necessary closure, but based on my own experiences, I wish it came with a warning label: temporary euphoria followed by feelings of guilt, emptiness, and serious regression.  Side effects include, but are not limited to, low self esteem, binge eating and drinking, facebook stalking, and listening to Against All Odds by Phil Collins on repeat.

You've been warned, readers.  You've been warned.

2 comments:

  1. One night, I had the best sex I'd ever had with my then-boyfriend. Later that night, we had a heated fight, he smashed things, threw back the keys to my apartment, and stormed out.

    We broke up that night.

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  2. As an Ex-sex junkie myself, and one who has experienced one too many anticlimactic "Ex" rendevouz....the saying "been there, done that" or "boring and unwelcome" ultimately holds truth. Ex to the next please.

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