Friday, May 7, 2010

BLOWING OFF the M Word, part II

When someone comments on a blow off post that I'm not related to or not living with, it pretty much makes my day.   So, when "Dhane" posted an extra long comment on the Marriage Benefit Imbalance or BLOWING OFF the M word, I nearly wanted to send him a gift basket.   I thought his comment was thought provoking and worth sharing with the rest of you.  Plus, I love a healthy debate between the sexes and I've been dying to get a male contributor up in this piece. 

Here's our comment exchange below:


Dhane said...

My intial feeling was to respond in a nasty condesending way to get my point across about the absurdity of this misguided take on who benefits in marriage.... but being a man, I know better than to try to present a rational case for disagreement in that manner. It would be a no win situation in which female readers of the post would skirt over any rational points with full comfort in their instinct and feeling of your original statement being right (because it benefits them personally/women as a whole and doesnt require consideration of the "sacrifice" from a mans perspective - even in a humorous context). 

From the honest male perspective I will offer you a vantage point which is not as rosy as the book excerpt cited nor your interpretation of the excerpt, but you can take it as merely a contribution for the sake of balance OR predictably write me off as the bad guy who doesnt reflect the thoughts of guys in general, and especially not your guy!(wink). 

While statistically benefits of longer living, wealth etc seem to favor married men on paper, you are not accounting for the sacrifice required for a guy to enter into marriage nor for the fact that the single men dying violent deaths and suffering from more alcoholism, etc are probably influenced by prison populations, and unstable men on the fringes of society - who ironically may have once been that married guy "getting all the benefit". I wonder how many of those alcoholics were driven to drink by their marriages? 

my point is, these guys are not 50 yr old men with good jobs and a harem of women who are wishing they had a wife as they die with a heroin needle in their arm.

For men we are known as being commitment phobes because we know for all of its joys and the bliss of companionship, marriage is: 

a difficult lifetime of abandonment of many freedoms and comforts formerly enjoyed when single and making your own decisions/controlling your own destiny, is the entrance into a world of confrontational nonsensical-ness in which women use emotions as a failsafe for disagreements no matter the logic it flies in the face of. aka the time when :'i feel this way' trumps 'that doesnt make sense'

a trading in of fun and activities that once reaffirmed an inate sense of manhood for a more tame and controlled existance under a watchfull eye and the fear of constant nagging.

a permanent exile from being able to enjoy variety in life 

an automatic compromising of goals and defermment of dreams that have gone unrealized

an unatural and constant battle to try to remain monogamous although nature has wired us differently

constant berating for yearning to do things that would otherwise come naturally - because of someone else's perception or fear of how it makes them look. 

a lifetime laundry list of issues and things that should be worked on for the betterment of "us" when in reality they are to give 'her' what she wants

bit by bit changing of who you are asa person until you cant recognize yourself.

saaara said...

i think we should call it a draw, cause i actually don't disagree with everything that you say and won't be skirting over the rational points in which i think there are many. i get why guys would be scared to get married and i think that a lot of the reasons you listed surrounding that fear are how a lot of women are feeling too these days. especially the "bit by bit changing who are as a person until you can't recognize yourself." thanks for your comment, i'm gonna give it it's own blog post.

Dhane said...

sorry, went off on a bit of a rant, but it is more of a "why dont we all stay single because its a trade off for everyone" diatribe

So, I know a lot of our readers and several of our contributors are married.   Are us single folks way off?   Comment below.  Who knows, you might just get a gift basket out of it.  


  1. I think the whole framing of the question is absurd where you're putting it as a battle of the sexes. It's been done over and over again, so this isn't new ground.

    When anyone get into a relationship of any significance, both people have to make compromises. This isn't just between romantic partners but with friends also.

    So instead of framing the question as men versus women, I think seeing the bigger picture of individuals being in a relationship can help create a win-win situation versus a win-lose situation. Both parties get something out of the relationship and it outweighs what they're giving up. Instead of only seeing what you give up, also see what you get.

    In the particular relationship of marriage, everyone likes to complain that they have it worse. Every group claims that they have it the worse. Everyone spends time looking at how bad they've got it and looks for evidence, no matter how small, to reinforce their point and incorrectly (usually) extrapolates that to show that they have it bad. If it was really the case, then why get married? You give up complete autonomy and independence. You have to deal with someone else's flaws. You intermingle finances and legal responsibility. For most people, you also give up the ability to date and have sex with other, younger, hotter people.

    So sure, if you want your marriage/relationship to fail or never get married, just focus on the downside of relationships and hold your ground to never compromise. If that makes you happy, then you're good. On the other hand, if you figure out that being in a relationship with someone makes you happy and makes them happy, when the ugly side of things rears it's ugly head, you have a couple of choices -- you can decide that it sucks and you would rather be alone, or decide that being together is more important and find a way to get through it so it's a win-win.

  2. really good points, tn--- definitely better to focus on the upside in which i also agree there are many. and you're right that it shouldn't be a battle of the sexes, i think the overall point i'm trying to make is that there's always been an assumption that girls are wedding crazed and not all of us are.