Thursday, July 1, 2010

After the break up comes the BLOW OFF

When I set deadlines, I meet them.  I'm all kinds of anal that way.  So, when one of my girlfriends and I were both stuck in relationship dry spells (we're talking months of no prospects and weeks without a guy even asking us for our number)  we decided to set a deadline.  We had thirty days to make out with someone...anyone.  Our hands and our pillows did not count.

Fast forward to day 30 and Mission:  Accomplished for only one of us (her).  The good news was, the last day fell on daylight savings so I technically had an extra hour to make things happen.  It was on like Donkey Kong.  

By midnight and with no one deadline worthy in sight, I was tipsy enough to strike up a conversation with a quirky guy and his friend en route from Lit on Second Avenue to Blue & Gold on 7th Street.  The guy was drunk and he had his eyes on my roommate, but she had a boyfriend and I knew he'd eventually be charmed by my hilarious wit.   Four hours later, our friends had gone home, Blue & Gold was empty, and we were still outside of the bar talking.  He walked me home, got my number, and that was that.  We didn't make out, but he did call me a couple days later and we went out on a date.  He wasn't as cute as I thought he was when we met, but I figured one date couldn't hurt.

Six months later, we broke up.  The relationship was always kind of forced and we were really different, and I was happy that we mutually agreed to end it.  Happy is an understatement: I was euphoric.   We both decided that we'd still talk.  It felt like the kind of break up where we could meet for coffee in a couple weeks and everything would feel okay (PS those kinds of break ups don't exist).  Then a strange thing happened.  Even though I was enormously relieved after we cut our losses, after a couple days of no contact I got really depressed.  I didn't even love this guy and I missed him...a lot.  It didn't help that my two best friends were both in serious long-termers and I was suddenly the only single one (and I wasn't even showered with the care you normally get post-break up, because everyone knew I wasn't really into the dude anyway).  I felt silly telling anyone that while my heart wasn't broken, it was seriously cracked.  

After three days, I broke down and called him.  I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too.  The conversation was awkward and brief and he said he'd call me in a few days.   He never did.  I reached out to him one more time and never heard back.  To add insult to injury, he deleted his Friendster page.  Wow, he really did not want to talk to me.  After about a month, I dated another guy (after setting another "deadline") and rebounded nicely (until that guy blew me off).  

Then more time went by.  I was doing the walk of shame: gym edition.  I was sweaty and my hair was frizzy and I was wearing dorky work out clothes and there he was on Avenue A....flipping through records on the sidewalk with his arm around another girl.  They looked like they'd just walked off the album cover for Freewheelin'.  This was so not the way we were supposed to run into each other.  It was supposed to happen when I looked really pretty and when I was on a hot date with a Bob Dylan look alike.  This is one of the things about living in New York that I don't miss--- around any corner, any subway car, and any dive bar--- you might come face to face with a BLOW OFF you were trying to block out of your mind.

Anyway, I high tailed it and headed down a side street to get home.  Crisis averted.  Except for the emotional one coming my way.  How come he already found someone else?  Why did he now look cuter than I remember?  Why was I running away from him when I was the one who'd been thinking about breaking up with him three months in?

Then even more time went by and I honestly didn't care anymore.  My post blow off regret wasn't real, it was just temporary.  After I got used to not having him in my life, I remembered why he was totally wrong for me in the first place.   So, it didn't mean anything when one day out of sheer boredom, I looked him up on Friendster and discovered he had a brand new profile.  I sent him a friendly "how have you been" message and never heard back.   Okay, fine. I finally got it for real this time.  He wanted to have nothing to do with me.

Then even more time went by (three years) and with Friendster long gone, I got a friendly "how have you been" Facebook message from him.   I couldn't believe it.  I was shocked, but not in an "i still have feelings for him" kind of a way.  In fact, I remember filling my friends about it in passing days later (rather than copying and pasting the message into a mass email like i would have done with a more significant ex.)   I wrote him back and then...I never heard from him again.  I didn't get it, why did he go out of his way to get back in touch if he wasn't even going to write me back?  Did he just get his kicks from blowing me off?   What was his problem?   Who knows, but it's been two years since then, and I just found him on Facebook and for the sake of this blog, I kinda want to send him a friendly how have you been message just to see if he writes back.  

Should I do it, should I do it?    


  1. DO IT!

    Love this post so so much. It kinda brought a tear to my eye.

    As one of Sara's two bffs in this situation, I admit I was not as supportive as I should have been. I still remember the night they broke up. I was helping PUMA BAG dude move into his place in Brooklyn, from DC. It was like 9pm and I was exhausted from that drive up from Washington. She called to tell me, and she acted nonchalant about it and so I thought it would be ok to not come out and meet her right then and there.


    If I could turn back time, I would have broken up with PUMA BAG dude that night, met up with Sara in the East Village, get wasted, dance till dawn at Niagara, and both make sure to go home with new boys.

    Honestly, she REALLY wasn't that into him. But that's no excuse. Break ups just plain BLOW.

  2. Also, can you believe Bob Dylan made that pic of him and his then-gf on the COVER of his album?

    That blow off must have REALLY hurt.

  3. It's true, I really wasn't that into him. Kayoko is not a bad friend, she still hammers out relationship bumps in the road with me via super long telephone calls. I heart her. You best never blow me off bitch, I will end you if you do.

  4. You should send him a message saying hi and include a link to this post.

  5. haha, that would be so funny. I'm not sure he would appreciate it. i dont even want to know how many guys have read about themselves on this blog....