Monday, June 14, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

Another night with my favorite ladies, favorite projector screen and favorite bachelorette.   Our group grew to seven girls this week, while Ali's boyfriends fell to eleven by the end of the show.  Here's our recap:

*We all do a little happy dance when we find out Ali's next one on one date is with Roberto (see pick).  That smile, that butt chin, that whole hot latin lover thing....at least if Ali doesn't pick him, he'd be next in line for the new season of The Bachelor (except I don't think I could handle watching 25 women throw themselves at him.)

*Ali and Roberto get on a helicopter.  Once again, she's totally freaked out, but he squeezes her hand and goes down on her to get her mind off of things.  Okay, totally lying about the squeezing her hand part.  

*They end up on the top of a building where they have to tight rope walk to where they're having dinner on a rooftop across the way.  Roberto leans in and kisses Ali while they're up in the air.  She could fall to her death and she'd die happy.

*We all cheer when we see Ali is finally not wearing a terrible cheesy outfit, but a cute stylish LBD (not sure about the bra strap in the back.  The wardrobe people really couldn't provide her with a backless bra??)

*Roberto and Ali make out on some giant cushion thing on the roof.  She looks and sounds drunk.  Then she gives him the rose.  We all freak out.  

*Lucky D points out that the guys are always just milling about with their shirts off when Ali shows up.  I wonder if they all get waxed together...anyway, Ali arrives to whisk them off on their group date.

*Hmmm, underpass in LA....romantic rooftop dinner.  We think Roberto got the better end of this deal.  Wait, OMG, nevermind--- these guys get their own private concert from the Bare Naked Ladies!!!  Full disclosure: I went to a Bare Naked Ladies concert in high school and I kind of like them BUT as my friends pointed out, these guys might have a serious meth habit.  When did they get so skinny?

*They sing a lame song called "Runaway."  Ali dances around like a freaking cheerleader and we all vomit a little in our mouths.  The guys look like they just won the lottery when they're told they'll be in BNL's new music video.  Poor, BNL.  First a meth habit, now an appearance on The Bachelorette.  How the mighty have fallen.

*The video shoot is beyond ridic.  Ali looks like a straight up ho making out with all these gross guys.  The Weatherman starts crying (I'm not kidding) when he learns he has to kiss Ali on camera.  Things get really awkward when she kisses him instead.  Dear Weatherman, it's 2010, your viewers will support you even after you come out of the closet, we promise.

*Ali and Kirk do their scene and basically dry hump in a bed in front of all the other guys.  There is no way this guy doesn't have a hard on right now.   This is just wrong and embarrassing on so many levels.

*Another rooftop party.  Weatherman embarrasses himself once again when he takes Ali aside and tries to kiss her for real.  Ali's saved by Paul Giamatti, but their alone time is cut out of the show.  We take this as a sign that he's not getting a rose.

*Chris L. another one of our favorites finally tells Ali that his mom passed away and that's why he has her signature tattooed on him.  Tears :(

*Then, out of nowhere, Ali's in a bikini and she takes a dip in the hot tub with hard on guy (AKA Kirk).  They talk about having a connection.   My friends point out that too many guys wear live strong bracelets on their wrist.  It would be fine if it was 2004, but it's not.  It's just not.  Then, just when things get too romantic, Frank does a cannonball in the pool.  Oh, poor Frank.  

*Hard on guy gets the rose that night.  Whatevs, Chris L. poured his heart out and Ali ignores him for generic blondie that looks like the villain from every good 80s movie?  Boring.

*Rated R decides he's going to do something drastic and walks over to Ali's house on crutches.  She pretends she's shocked to see him.  Lucky D accidentally calls him "R Rated" so that will be his new name from now on.

*R Rated shows Ali pictures of his family.  We don't care about him and his stupid inside out T-shirt.  How could Ali be this dumb?!  We have to believe that the producers are telling her exactly who they want her to pick.

*Hunter finds out he gets the next one on one date.  Um, we barely even remembered he was on the show to begin with.  My reality TV savvy tells me the producers told Ali they want to do a one on one date where a guy doesn't get a rose--- pick the dude you're totes not into.  Poor Hunter actually thinks he has a chance.

*Hunter and Ali have the lamest one on one date ever.  Frank got to go to the Hollywood sign, the 24 year old got to go to Vegas, Roberto got a helicopter ride....Hunter gets to go to Ali's house, grill burgers, and drink what appears to be flat soda.  

*SHOCKER: Hunter does not get a rose or a ride home.  Ali ships him off in a cab.  What a cold hearted snake.  Look into her eyes, uh oh, she's been telling lies.

*When I say rose, you say ceremony: Rose.  Ceremony.  We all gush when Ali confides in Roberto about R Rated paying her a visit at her house.  Roberto is shocked and tells the other guys.  Side note, R Rated has been telling everyone in this episode that he would never do anything like that.  The guys confront him and during his on camera interview he pretends to cry.

*WTF.  Why is the 24 year old wearing denim on denim?

*We pause it to see if Roberto is drinking beer or champagne.  He's drinking beer, we all cheer!!!  Oh wait, he's drinking champagne.  That's okay, we love guys that drink champagne.

*Steve decides he needs to take the bull by the horns and get some time with Ali.  He sets up a little picnic.  We think it's adorable and he quickly becomes a frontrunner despite being 4'11". He's embarrassed when he can't get the champagne bottle to open, but we forgive him.

*We are once again stunned when Ali gives out roses.  The weatherman again?  R Rated??  Steve doesn't get a rose after his little picnic?  That cute guy who's name I can't remember is sent home?  Paul Giamatti and the guy with girl hair are still around?  Ali, take a stand, don't let those producers talk you into picking losers just for the sake of good TV.  You're better than that.  Okay, you're not.  But we are and we're sick of the grave injustices that are taking place at every rose ceremony!  

Sadly, I'm missing out on tonight's episode, cause I'm too busy lounging poolside in Vegas, but don't worry--my DVR has my back.  Coming back at you next week, bitches.


1 comment:

  1. omg another hilarious recap. i seriously had many of the same reactions & comments, specifically the 'denim on denim, wtf'. wish i could be part of projector monday!

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