Monday, June 21, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

It was no fun watching the first half of The Bachelorette by myself in a hotel room in Vegas and the other half on Hulu (although Hulu is the best website in the world). There was just something missing without the constant commentary of five other girls, but never fear, we'll be reunited tonight for episode 5.

Here's my recap on last week's show...

*Ali and her eleven boyfriends get to go to New York. Good bye, ugly ass house in the valley of Los Angeles. Hello, empire state of mind.

*I like all the goofy shots of the guys on the plane. Roberto's smile makes my heart flutter.

*the guys get to stay in a pretty cool apartment. Kasey (ie speech impediment) gets the first one on one date. It's finally his time to show Ali he's going to "guard and protect her heart."

*Ali gets to do a photo shoot for InStyle magazine and try on a bunch of flirty outfits. She let's slip that she's always dreamed of this moment. I fucking knew it!!! She didn't sign up for The Bachelorette or The Bachelor to find true love, she signed up to be FAMOUS. Hey Ali, I hear Bob Guinney's on the market.

*Ali and Kasey go on a helicopter ride over the city of New York. Thank God the helicopter was invented, because this show wouldn't be able to exist without it.

*Ali and Kasey have some awkward picnic where he tries to improvise and sing a song for her. It's super awful and it kind of makes me like Ali when she basically rolls her eyes the whole time.

*This is actually pretty cool. Ali and Kasey get the museum of natural history all to themselves. Ugh. I just don't think this girl deserves all these cool experiences. I lived in NY for three years and I always had to share museums with other people. Not fair.

*Kasey gets super creepy, talks about guarding and protecting Ali's heart, then sings more. Ali says he's not getting a rose tonight, but she's not gonna make him leave either (somebody give the producers of this show a nobel prize). Kasey tells her she's a whore and a cock tease and if he's not getting a BJ, he's on the first helicopter out of NY. Okay, I made that last part up.

*Group date! Poor little Ali has a cold and she admits to the dudes that she might not be that much fun on this date. Interestingly enough, this is the least annoying she's ever been. Apparently, when Ali has a cold, she doesn't "woo-woo" that much.

*On the group date, the guys get to audition for a role in The Lion King and will get to be in the musical with Ali. (Synergy alert: this show is on ABC, which is owned by Disney, which also owns the Lion King franchise).

*Holy crap, the twenty four year old can sing. Poor weatherman is way off key, but he's SO excited at the prospect of being on Broadway (um, yeah. it's official. He's gay. I'm hoping right about now he'll come out of the closet on the show). All the guys feel like idiots, because Roberto looks right at Ali while he sings to her and gets the part. (duh, guys!)

*Ali and Roberto wear some sort of ugly jungle outfit. Roberto is still hot, even though he has a shorts tan and is a bit on the hairy side. Ali, the fame whore, is super psyched about having her own dressing room.

*The guys can barely watch as Ali and Roberto are suspended in mid-air together on a Broadway stage.

*The after-party. Ali is still sick, but decides to go out for a walk in the rain with Frank and to tell him to hang in there, because she still really likes him. Um, me think she's full of shit. At this point, it's so obvious she wants to bang Kirk.

*Now, I'm really mad at Ali and the producers. Once again, she decides she can't give a rose out this evening, because she was sick (uh, you can't figure out if you like a guy when you have a cold? I don't get it). I can't effing believe that Roberto didn't earn the rose after wearing a jungle outfit and looking right at her, while he was singing.

*Kirk takes Ali back to her hotel room and stays with her till she falls asleep. Except, I know better. This is just what the show's producers want us to think. Her eyes are just closed people, she's not really sleeping. Kirk seems like every other guy in a button down in a bar in the financial district of every city with a financial district.

*Kasey decides he needs to do something desperate to show Ali that he's sincere and goes to get a tattoo. If only Ali had said what she really meant--- "you're creepy, dude." I'm praying to the TV gods that this is a faux-reality moment.

*Chris L. is really excited to get a one on one date with Ali on his birthday, but she sends a note saying she's a wet blanket that still has a cold, so he better not expect anything more than hanging out in her germ infested hotel room.

*He shows up at her place with chicken soup and nurses her back to health. I love Chris L. He reminds me of a grown up Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights.

*All the guys wonder where Kasey is. He comes home and tells them he had to go to the hospital, because he burned himself. R Rated is totally not falling for it. It takes a liar to know a liar.

*Ali miraculously feels better. In fact, she's well enough to eat raw oysters. They go to this lounge that they have (wait for it) all to themselves. Chris L. tells her about going home to take care of his mom before she died. He tells her that before she died his mom left him and his brothers a note saying "look for me in rainbows" and at her funeral there was a giant rainbow. I'm basically snotting myself at this point, while Ali is twirling her hair and saying "that's sooooo sweeeet." How could she not be more touched by this story? Is she a robot? Was she raised by a pack of wolves? Wait a second, she doesn't really mention her family much...OMG, she WAS raised by a pack of wolves. That's gonna make for one awkward hometown date.

*Ali seems confused by the degree of affection between Chris L and his dad when they talk on the phone, once again proving that not only was she raised by a pack of wolves, but she was raised by a cold detached emotionally repressed pack of wolves.

*Ali and Chris to go the rooftop where Joshua Radin is there to serenade them. This is a step up from The Barenaked Ladies. Ali clearly wants to hang out with Josh instead of Chris L. They slow dance and make out, but I almost get the feeling this might be Chris L's first kiss. Regardless, I think Chris deserves better than Ali.

*Rose Ceremony night. I can't even remember if Chris Harrison made an appearance. And I'm so confused: how's Ali going to figure out who to give a rose to without time to contemplate things in a room filled with everyone's framed photos?

*Kasey finally tells the guys that he didn't go to the hospital and that he got a tattoo. It's basically right off of an Ed Hardy T-shirt--- a heart with a shield in front of it and a rose, because (say it with me), Kasey will guard and protect Ali's heart.

*OMG. Weatherman, who clearly couldn't sing, plays Ali a song on the guitar. Dude, at this point, he'd have better luck getting a rose by dropping trou'.

*Aw, shit...it's the moment I've been waiting for all episode. Kasey is about to reveal his tattoo to Ali....omg, omg, omg--- oh, hi Frank. Thanks for interrupting. It's cool, we can wait till next week for Kasey to show his tattoo to Ali. Am I really supposed to believe this wasn't totally planned by the show's producers? And that between now and the big reveal, Ali never finds out about the tattoo from another contender or from the crew? Are there people out there who watch reality shows and still believe this shit?

*Once again, I am boggled by Ali at the rose ceremony. Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) gets a rose? That guy who I keep forgetting is even on this show gets a rose? What's the deal--- are him and Ali's scenes just getting cut, because I've never even seen them have a conversation. I am not surprised that Kasey gets a rose, because the tattoo is this week's cliffhanger.

*HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. The hot 24 year old who can sing does not get a rose? I guess I sort of understand. The guy was wearing denim on denim last week and he didn't like oysters, but he's HOT. Didn't the producers want to just keep him around for some eye candy? I love him all the more when it appears he's super excited to leave the show, because he misses his dogs. Did you hear that, Ali? He misses his dogs. Poor weatherman didn't get a rose either, but he's sort of like the blind guy on American Idol. He was getting pity roses all along.

I can't wait to watch tonight's episode and I'm def going to run out and buy In Touch Magazine today. Frank dumps Ali for his ex? Please, if there is a God...please, please, please let his ex be Weatherman....


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