Monday, June 28, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

Let me start this post by saying I really resent the fact that this show is two hours long.  ABC, why must you suck that much of my life away every week?  By the time this season is over, I'll have lost an entire day to this show.  That's just sick and wrong.  Especially, since I've lost all hope in love now that Jake and Vienna are over.  

Our viewing group fell to three girls this week, but somehow we managed to keep the commentary going for the whole two hours.  We also realized that the reason Jesse (AKA hot 24 year old) was nixed last week was so he could be on The Bachelor Pad.  I'm so excited to see more fighting between the weatherman and the other Craig on this show!

*the guys are going to Iceland!  This kind of makes us feel better about tuning in, at least we get a geography lesson on the side.

*More cute goofy shots of them on the plane.

*Wow, Iceland is super pretty.  The guys look like they are freezing.  They're all wearing dorky snow hats, except for Chris Harrison, cause he's too effing cool.  Ali shows up and yet again we have to hear the guys talk about how hot she is.  

*the boys have to write Ali a love poem and whoever writes the best poem will get a one on one date with Ali.  This is straight up retarded.  

*the poems basically suck all around.  Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) is actually kind of clever and funny.  Chris N.  basically can't even speak let alone write a poem.  We once again forget that he was even on this show and we have to wonder how he ever made it this far.

*Kirk goes right up to Ali when he reads his poem and it's so obvious she wants a piece of him. His poem could literally be "Ali, Ali, I love your mole, now can I stick it in your butthole?" and she would still give him the one on one date.  

*Frank is such a poseur!  He totally copies Kirk and goes straight up to Ali too.  Dude, could you be more obvious?

*Surprise, surprise.  Ali picks Kirk.  I'm already bored.  The rest of the guys are soooooo jealous.

*Ali and Kirk go shopping for adorable Icelandic sweaters.  Ali's all giggles.  It's actually kind of cute and it turns out that Kirk has a sense of humor.   He's putting on funny girly sweaters and cracking Ali up.  I'm calling it now--- she's going to pick him.

*Ali and Kirk grab some lunch.  She tries to ask him about his relationship history.  I love when he says that he's only dated amazing women.  It's kind of nice to see Ali look a little insecure for once.   She says it worries her that he's never been in a relationship longer than a year.   Whatevs, he's a dude and he's what, 26? 27?   Leave him alone, Ali.  

*We're all in a panic when we see that after the commercial break Kirk tells Ali he needs to tell her something....he used to be a chick?  he was in prison?  WHAT IS IT?

*Back at the house, it's revealed who's going on the group date and which two guys have to compete for Ali's love on a two on one date.  Another shocker: Kasey and R Rated get the two on one date.  Kasey looks like he's going to throw up.  He really doesn't want to go home, how is he going to guard and protect Ali's heart if he's not on the show?   R Rated thinks it's in the bag.

*Kirk tells Ali some crazy story about almost dying, because he lived in a moldy college house.  Seriously?  How many people lived in moldy places in their twenties?  My sister literally had mushrooms growing in her bathroom in New York City and she didn't almost die.  Okay, totally kidding (not about the mushrooms).  This story actually made me really mad, because it made me love Kirk and I didn't want to love him.  He's actually kind of soulful and genuine and they're cute together in their matching sweaters.  It's no surprise when he gets a rose even though Ali kept saying in her interviews that she's not sure yet if she's going to give him a rose. So dumb the way they are always trying to build fake suspense on this show.  PS  I think Kirk is too good for Ali.  

*GROUP DATE!  This is like the worst group date ever.  It's totally freezing, they're all wearing these like hazmet suit looking outfits and they have to get on these creepy looking horses made for hobbits.

*Just when I thought this group date couldn't get any worse, they all have to climb down into some dark cave.  Whoever came up with this from the production company probably regretted it.  Caves are cool, but it's totally dark on camera and we can't see anything.  I'm happy for Chris L though, cause he gets some alone time with Ali in the cave minus the camera crew.  

*Frank is feeling like a big loser on this date, because he's falling behind and not getting a lot of alone time.  Sorry Frank, but you were so four episodes ago.

*Back at home, R Rated has an ace up his sleeve!  He goes to a doctor and gets his cast removed and gets a boot on.  Damn, Ali doesn't stand a chance.  

*Okay, the group date finally gets better when they go to a hot spring.  We all laugh when Ali takes off her hazmet suit to reveal a skimpy bikini.  The guys all get simultaneous hard ons.  I don't know why cause Ali is super fat.  haha, jk.  They start ripping off their clothes like fifteen year old boys.  We even get a blurred out ass shot.  

*My favorite part of the whole episode is when Ali gets tanked.  That girl is a boozer.  I'm convinced that at the end of the series, we'll find out we've actually been watching A & E's Intervention and all the guys will read Ali a really sad letter and she'll be sent off to Betty Ford.

*Ali and Roberto get alone time!  Yes!  I've def missed him in this episode.  She tells him she thinks he's too good looking for her.  She's so insightful.

*Ali tries to reassure Frank, tells him once again to hang in there, blah blah blah.  Why is she leading him on?  She loves Captain Kirk. 

*Chris L once again talks about his family.  I'm afraid Ali won't be able to relate since she was raised by a pack of repressed wolves and all.  BUT, he scores some points when he tells Ali that he doesn't need to stay in the Cape forever.

*Ty gets the group date rose.  I'm kind of into him, but I would have given it to Roberrrrrrto.  I'm just sayin'

*Kasey freaks out some more about his two on one date.  Frank tries to console him, but he's laughing at him on the inside.  

*I actually feel sorry for Ali because she has to go on a douche on one date with R Rated and Kasey.  Instead of roses she should give them used douche bags. 

*It wouldn't be an episode of the Bachelorette without a helicopter ride.  The threesome flies around the erupting volcano and it's actually pretty awesome.  Now I'm convinced that ABC has magic powers.  Why can they fly all around this thing in a heli when airports all over Europe were shutdown?  They totally had  a conference call with Mother Nature and Bjork to make this happen.

*oh no, here it comes, here it comes.  Kasey is about to show Ali his tattoo.  They keep talking about how she supports him being himself, etc (ie a creepy crazy person).  He shows her the tattoo and I'm totes disappointed in Ali's reaction.  She's all kinds of nice about it.  What she should really do is tell him he's coming on too strong, it could save him from making the same mistake with another girl.

*Ali looks like she's going to be sick to her stomach when she has to give out the rose.  I would feel nauseous too if I was choosing between a guy who wears Ed Hardy T-shirts and a guy who just got an Ed Hardy looking tattoo.   

*She gives the rose to R Rated and they have to get back in the helicopter and just leave Kasey there on the freaking volcano all alone.  WTF, this is so mean!  ABC is evil.  And poor Ali can't even enjoy her alone time with R Rated and his boot.  The only thing that would redeem this moment is if the song All By Myself was playing in the background.  

*It's the rose ceremony and the framed photos are back, yay!  Chris Harrison and Ali have a really therapeutic conversation about how Ali's afraid to love, bull shit, bull shit, bull shit. Hmmm, let me think, I'm afraid to love, so I think I'll go on The Bachelorette.  Then I thought about it some more and I realized: I was pissed at Ali for ditching her career to find a husband, but now that I know she just wants to be famous, she actually is on this show for her career.  She's like a freaking trail blazer this one.  PS this conversation is yet another clue that Ali "i'm afraid to love" Fedotowsky won't pick anyone at the end.  

*Now, it's time for the guys to get alone time with Ali to make a last ditch effort to get a rose. Hilarious moment where Craig shows Ali a fake tattoo he drew on his wrist.  This guy is really funny, but he's totally in best guy friend territory.

*Chris N and Ali finally have the first conversation we've seen them have and he can barely speak.  Why is this guy still here?  Ali has to get rid of one guy at this ceremony and I will be beyond shocked if it's not Chris N.

*Well, I wasn't shocked but Chris N. was.  He can't seem to believe it when Ali sends him home.  And even though I made fun of him all episode, I now feel sorry for him as he's whisked off in the limo alone.  

*Everyone toasts to Chris N getting the boot.  Once R Rated is out of here, I'll be into all of Ali's potential husbands.  

*Predictions: the top 4 will be Kirk, Chris L, Roberto, and possibly Ty.  Off to Turkey tonight. Please, please let there be a helicopter ride.


  1. i would rather read about this show than watch it! too funny Sara

  2. anonymous, that is the best compliment ever, especially since this is the best TV show ever in the universe.

  3. is it really the best tv show EVER IN THE UNIVERSE?? dude, am i missing out???