Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the hidden BLOW OFF

Full Disclosure: I have this nasty habit of hiding people from my Facebook feed.  It's my favorite kind of BLOW OFF--- you don't have to go as far as deleting the person from your friends and they'll never know you could care less about what they're doing on a Saturday night. Unfortunately, my "annoyed" threshold is not very high which means I have a long list of people in my "hide" category.  

Here are the top ten offenses that will guarantee a hidden BLOW OFF:

10.  People who try to bestow inspirational advice with their status updates.   Thanks guys, but if I need a little pick me up with a dash of epiphany, I'll just have a cocktail.

9.  Anything overtly sexual or racist.  This is the reason most of my little college aged cousins have got themselves hid.  My younger brother claims that if there was Facebook when I was twenty, I'd be writing about BJ's too.   I don't think so.  And by the way, 20 is too old to talk about oral sex on a social networking site.  It's only acceptable if you're 16 and under.

8.  Annoying moms and pet owners (not all of you, just a select few).  Yes, your kids and your dogs are cute, but if you talk about them more than anything else, then I just feel kind of sorry for you.

7.  Writing song lyrics in your status update.  Unless it's funny and ironic (i.e. Justin Bieber lyrics) then I don't want to read a line from a Coldplay song just cause you're feeling nostalgic about a girl. And for the record, I love Coldplay.

6. So, we don't know each other that well, but you requested to be my friend.  I politely accepted.  BUT I thought there was an unwritten rule that we don't comment on each other's status updates or photos, because guess what--- we don't know each other that well.  Stop poking me.  You not only just got hid, but you got blocked too.

5.  People who's lives are cooler than mine and/or people who just pretend their lives are cooler than mine.  You know these types--- anytime they're out to dinner with a friend they have to report it on Facebook, because they want people to think they have a rocking social life.

4.  Religious status updates.  Anytime the word "Jesus" shows up on my newsfeed it bugs me out.  I mean, I know if it wasn't for G-O-D we wouldn't have Facebook at all, but if you want to preach your religious beliefs to me, can't you just do it the old fashioned way and ring my doorbell with some bibles?

3. Pretentious status updates.  So, you like obscure movies, filmmakers, and bands.  You listen to NPR.  You like to pretend that perfectly good movies and TV shows are the demise of society.  Ugh.  If you were really that too cool for school, then WTF are you doing on Facebook?

2. Fucking Farmville!  Someone told me I can just hide Farmville from my feed, but to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be friends with people that need virtual bales of hay in their life.

1.  I get it, you're in love, I'm happy for you.  I don't need to hear about how great your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband is.  I also do not care what your engagement ring looks like.  Facebook PDA's make me sick (unless you've been together for 10+ years).  I'll admit, I've been a one or two time offender in this department myself, but I've A. never been cheesy about it and B. realized I don't need to write on my BF's facebook wall to express my love.  And I certainly don't need to make all the single people on Facebook (who want to be in relationships) feel like shit.  I have a theory about you people: things are not as great as they seem.  

Now, before you get too pissy about my rant, I'll chalk up to a few annoying things I do on Facebook.  I write about TV shows entirely too much, but I still post NY times and Huffington Post links so people think I'm smart.  I brag.  I brag about cool things I'm doing and about things I've accomplished. Oh, and I brag about celebrity sightings.  I'm guessing I annoy you all with Blow Off posts.  I write about how sad I am when a famous person dies.  If I'm annoyed by your status updates, I'll make a sarcastic comment.  I "like" things entirely too much.  And I hide people...all the time.  

5 comments:

  1. Wow. Harsh. But you're not alone. I recently went on an unfriending blitz because I'd heard other people express this same sentiment. Over the course of my FB career, I had added a bunch people that I dont really know but was curious about ("oh, what's so-and-so doing now?"). Then I realized that my constant updates were probably really annoying to anyone except(and possibly including) my friends. So, I unfriended the semi-strangers to spare them. Now I wonder if they have noticed and think, "What the fuck did I do to her? She's the one who friended me!"

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  2. I've resorted to de-friending too. Actually, I don't spend too much time on FB anymore. I'm in my own warped Twitterverse now where I write out song lyrics and talk about pretentious directors at Cannes.

    As I get older I'm realizing that I am SO EMO. HA!

    This is a great post.

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  3. I know, this post really was harsh! my bf said i was mean after reading it. it's a bit of an over exaggeration though . I have 444 friends and 23 are hidden, which is not a bad ratio. I dont defriend people though, because then i'm afraid they'll take it personally.

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  4. It's funny because it's true.

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  5. this post is genius. it's harsh, but it's reality. and mean would be putting the hidden friends names after each offense. DO IT!

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