Sunday, July 4, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Episode 6

the Bachelorette was the shiz-nit last week. All kinds of dramarama. Beginning with the shocking reveal that R Rated was a certified douche face. Here's how it all went down:

*The ladies and I got together at our favorite Los Feliz abode. One of us, no joke, had just flown in from Turkey that day, which was oh so perfect since Ali and her men were also chillin' in the middle east.

*This episode hit the ground running when Chris Harrison stopped by Ali's hotel room and told her that they'd learn some hot dish about one of the contestant's from a girl that was on Jake's season of the Bachelor. Chris told Ali they'd be calling that girl so that she could fill Ali in. Ali looked like she was one wrong move away from a panic attack. I knew exactly what she was thinking "Frank is a hermaphrodite and I made out with him on national TV."

*Ali gets on the phone with this ex-bachelorette who tells her that R Rated has a girlfriend and that he was only on the show to get famous. WTF??? Male contestants on this show care more about fame and money than finding a wife? la la la la la make it stop la la la la. The Bachelorette is about TRUE LOVE.

*Then, Ali gets on the phone with R Rated's girlfriend Jessica who looks like an Ed Hardy muse. I actually feel kind of bad for her when she tells Ali that her wrestler bf went on the show to get famous, and she was cool with that, but then she found out that he had another girlfriend in Canada too. Ugh, Canadian men are SO untrustworthy.

*Hell hath no fury like a bachelorette scorned. Ali heads straight for the guy's suite and rips R Rated a new A-hole in front of all the other boys. I'm so into Ali right now. I love girls who get off on being tough bitches. R Rated grabs his backpack and storms off. If only he was still on crutches, these scenes would be so much more awesome!

*Ali and the camera crew follow R Rated outside as he tries to make a covert get away through some bushes. At one point he tries to go into a restaurant, but he totally gets denied. Even the Turkish know douche when they see it. Finally, he returns to Ali to face the music. AKA he would have had to pay for his own flight home if he didn't do some 'splainin.

*He lies and says he and Jessica are just good friends, blah blah blah. Ali's no fool. I mean, she came here to find a husband and he's totally messing with that. Plus, she sacrificed Casey to a volcano for R Rated. If Casey was still here, he'd totally be guarding and protecting her heart right now.

*The best part of this episode is when R Rated finally leaves and they play all the corny voice mail messages he left for Jessica. Boys, do not mess with girls--- we will fucking end you. But PS I totally saw pics of Jessica and R Rated loving on each other in Us Weekly. Oh, Jessica--- you need to be a contributor to the BLOW OFF, because you're a dumb ass when it comes to dating and we need some stories.

*Craig (AKA cute Paul Giamatti) REALLY wants a one on one date with Ali, because he hasn't gotten one yet. But no dice. Ty and Frank get the one on one dates this episode. Craig is relegated to yet another group date. Oh, Craig--- the writing is so on the wall.

*Ty and Ali go on their date and go to this turkish spa thing. This is way too soft porn for me. Plus, we are all turned off by Ty, because of his terrible sense of style. Ugly jeans, ugly button down shirt, and ugly leather necklace does not a husband make.

*Then, Ty and Ali have dinner and she tries to get more scoop on his divorce. He didn't cheat on his wife and he didn't beat her--- he was just pissed that she had the fucking nerve to get a jobby job and focus on her career. But then, shucks, he realized that he should mellow out, because there are like women CEO's. Imagine that. Ali then fucks all of us working girls by giving Ty A ROSE. I guess tall, dark, and southern trumps misogyny. And here I thought Ali was a trail could i be so wrong?

*Just when I thought that the group dates couldn't get worse than wearing hazmet suits and riding on hobbit horses, the guys (Roberto, Captain Kirk, Cute Giamatti, and Chris L) have to smother themselves in olive oil and wrestle four giant Turkish dudes. I am really hoping at this point that Ali and one of the Turkish guys fall for each other and make sweet olive oil love, but apparently the Turkish guys aren't allowed to do anything but stand still and look like menacing middle easterners.

*The wrestling begins. I'm kind of into it. A greasy shirtless Roberto is just what the doctor ordered. Plus, I'm not gonna lie, I did a little olive oil wrestling in my day and it's a total rush. Although, I'm super bummed that R Rated is not here to show off his moves.

*We all cheer for Criag when he beats the rest of the dudes and gets some one on one time with Ali. They go on some boat and have dinner. He's got the best one-liners of any of the guys, but it's so obvious Ali's not into him. Her mouths say she's having fun, but her eyes say she's fantasizing about an olive oil gang bang with the rest of the bachelors.

*Now comes Ali's one on one date with Frank. Things are a little awkward between them, because they haven't had a date since they dry humped at the Hollywood sign. They go to the Bazaar and soak in the Middle Eastern culture. Ali even wears a belly dancer outfit. Then they do some fake haggling with this rug salesman who they make offensive "we're american, you're fat and foreign" remarks about. They keep saying something about how they aren't gonna buy a rug, etc etc and then they walk out of there with...a rug. Man, the producers on this show are hilarious.

*Somewhere around now, I realize what bugs me out about Frank. He has no eyelashes. You know who has perfect thick lashes?! ROBERTO.

*Ali and Frank have this romantic date in some place I can't remember in the middle of a puddle of water. It's kind of like a really pretty sewer. Ali tells Frank that being in a relationship with him scares her. Frank says it should scare her, then totally out of the blue, he grows fangs, bites Ali and turns her into a vampire. This is really gonna raise the stakes for the rest of the season, I'm not buying it---- it's obviously yet another ploy by the producers to capitalize on the whole vampire trend.

*It's the rose ceremony and Ali tells Chris Harrison that she wants to skip the cocktails part, because she's already made up her mind and doesn't want to string anyone along. Wow, whoever doesn't get a rose is really going to feel like a big fucking loser. I'm guessing the producers put Ali up to this, because with the whole R Rated drama at the beginning of this episode, they knew they wouldn't have room for cocktail time in the edit...OR since Ali's a vampire now, she needs to cut things short so she can hunt.

*Okay, fine--- I made up all the vampire stuff, but how much more awesome would this show be if they brought the occult into it?

*Ali totally rejects cute Paul Giamatti. As much as he's grown on me, I'm actually kind of surprised he stuck around this long. He's really sad to go and I'm pissed at Ali for not giving him a better send off. She just looks annoyed and stares at him blankly while saying something generic like "I just didn't feel the romance thing between us." Cute PG, you are way too good for Ali. Go get yourself a Hollywood agent so you can play Paul Giamatti's younger brother in a remake of East of Eden and then win an Oscar for best supporting actor.

*Everyone does a champagne toast and Ali tells her harem that they are off to Lisbon next. The only guys that are left are Kirk, Ty, Chris L, Roberto, and Frank. Um, where the fuck was the obligatory helicopter ride??? Such bull shit, ABC.

*Then, the scenes from the rest of the season give away entirely too much. I know from trusted sources that the show's finale takes place in Tahiti and the only guys we see there are Frank, Roberto, and Ty. But Frank dumps Ali's ass for his ex-girlfriend--- so I'm thinking that Ty and Roberto are the bottom two? This is shocking considering Ali has such a hard on for Captain Kirk. The suspense is really killing me though--- especially since the lovely AC who hosts our weekly screenings works for ABC and says she's pretty sure who the winner is, but won't tell us. Plus, my cousin works for the Tahiti Tourism Board and she knows who the winner is too--- but she signed a confidentiality agreement so she won't tell me either. I guess I should wait and be surprised, but if my favorite Latino butt chin doesn't get the final rose, shits gonna get fucked up.


  1. Love this blog. I read the bachelorette updates every week...after i watch all two hours on hulu...I used to live in Los Feliz (moved to Texas) and so your references to the neighborhood (and Mustard Seed in another post) really make me miss it. Oh, and I'm pulling for Chris from the Cape. Cuz why not?

  2. saara, yet another encapsulating recap!!! you need to hook-up with reality steve. your posts are the most hilarious!!!!

  3. Thanks Meredith! Keep reading and spread the word, so glad you found us! and i heart Chris L.