Monday, July 12, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

The calm before the hometown dates--- tensions were high in Lisbon, Portugal this week. Poor Ali could barely enjoy being treated like a princess, because she knew at the end of the episode she had to send someone home. Dude, get over it. For once, I'd like to see our bachelorette get pumped about rejecting someone. Like give the guy the finger and scream "suck it" while he walks into the limo. Just for fun. Please, Ali--- do it for your fans.

*Chris Harrison meets the guys in Lisbon, tells them there's a lot on the line this week--- because whoever gets a rose gets to take Ali home to meet the parentals. He also tells them that there won't be any roses on the dates this week. Holy crap! I am on the edge of my seat....!

*Lisbon is totes beautiful. Anyone who thinks this show is dumb can bite me, because it's like really educational.

*Roberto gets the first one on one date! woo-hoo! The date card says "come be the king of my castle." HOT. All the dudes are totally jealous.

*Ali shows up to pick up Roberto. She's either wearing a serious push up bra, or she got a boob job en route from Istanbul.

*Ali says she really needs to see the fun aspect of Roberto (uh, why--- he's hot). So they take pictures in a courtyard of them jumping up and down and then pose with a guard. Oh, Roberto, you are such a goof ball.

*OMG. They are slow dancing in the middle of the street. This is so cheesy. Stop it Roberto, stop it! My fave quote from Ali this episode: Life may not be a fairytale, but love could be. BARF.

*Okay, I think Roberto is a major contender in getting the final rose. Ali basically can't keep her hands off of him.

*Back at Casa Bachelorette the remaining guys get a date card. We find out that Frank and Ty get the two on one date. They're both super annoyed that they got stuck with a two on one date, which seemed obvious to the rest of us, because they each had one on one time last week. (PS I was home last weekend visiting my parents and I got to have some alone time with my mom and she called it our one on one date, haha, hilarious.)

*I'm really surprised when Frank says that Ty is his biggest competition. Uh, Frank-- have you seen Roberto?!

*Roberto and Ali have a little picnic at a castle. The view is amazing, but I'm a little turned off by Roberto when Ali asks him what kind of food his mom makes. He says "all that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called." Seriously? I guess if he was cute and smart, he would be too good to be true.

*YES! The two on one date starts with a helicopter ride. Now, we're talking! Date nights with the BF just don't compare--- we only have a car to take us places. I'm so oppressed!

*Ty is wearing the butt ugliest outfit ever. Not to be shallow, but those clothes would have gotten him eliminated a long time ago if I was the bachelorette.

*The threesome has dinner and Ali's totally in a weird place. She's freaking out about having to send someone home, blah blah. And then, in just another sign that we are actually watching A & E's Intervention, Ali asks for some wine, stat. I bet my life savings on Ali being on the cover of Us Weekly in a year opening up about her rehab stint.

*Ty tries to convince Ali that's he's not a traditional alpha male. She asks him how his mom would feel about Ali being a worker...he says if he's happy, then they'll be happy. Dude, where did this guy grow up? Is it like Deliverance over there? I swear, if Ali goes to meet his parents there will be a freaky looking banjo player following them around the whole time.

*Kirk gets the next one on one date. Yay, I've been craving some Captain Kirk time. We haven't really seen much of him since he told her he almost died of mold.

*Frank and Ali get some alone time. I can't really look at Frank the same, because we already know that in an upcoming episode he totally BLOWS her OFF. BUT, when he tells her that he still lives with his parents, I kind of want to jump into the TV and hug him and tell him that it's totes okay and that he shouldn't be ashamed. Ali looks like she's pissed that she just found this out now, because she would have gotten rid of this dude a long time ago. Plus, now we know Frank not only went on this show to get famous, but he also went on the show to get some alone time from mommy and daddy.

*Did anyone else feel like Ali comforted Frank more for living with his parents then she consoled Kirk for almost dying of mold or Chris L. for losing his mom? I guess since she was raised by a pack of wolves, the whole notion of moving back home really freaks her out.

*Kirk and Ali have their one on one date and she's acting like a total weirdo the whole time. She keeps saying that she's got a lot on her mind. Then she says that she's afraid she won't be good enough for Kirk one day. Yeah girl, I'd be worried about that too. Kirk tells her that the mold drama made him realize he's deserving of love. Really? I don't get it. I've always felt like I deserved love and I didn't need any mold to prove that to me. I'm starting to think that Kirk is not getting a rose...

*Kirk and Ali are serenaded by a Fado singer. I'm sure she's like all bummed out that the show didn't fly the Bare Naked Ladies out to Portugal. Let's take a moment to remember that horrendous music video.

*Chris L and Ali have their date. Ali's super nervous about her date with him. She keeps saying that things between them are moving really slow and that they're not getting to the level their relationship needs to be. Uh, what does she expect? They've probably spent a total of what? eight hours together? Plus, we all know there's no way Chris L isn't getting a hometown date. We've heard SO much about his family and we MUST meet them.

*Poor Chris is all freaked out about driving the scooter. He says he doesn't want to be the dude that kills the bachelorette, but that would be kind of awesome. Okay, I don't want her to die, I actually kind of like Ali, but what if they crashed and she got amnesia and we had to start the show all over again! That would be so cool cause then R Rated and Kasey could come back@

*Hold up, I'm so confused. Ali keeps saying that she needs Chris L to open up to her more. WTF? The guy has practically cried every time they hang out about losing his mom. What else does she want from him? The only way he could open up more is if he took a crap in front of her.

*Ali decides she needs to take control of the relationship and drives the scooter. Ali's such a bad ass...Chris L has been put-putting around town, but Ali--- well, she may not be able to cook, and she may be a wino, but she can drive scooters. What else could a guy want in a woman?

*I like Chris L, but he's so nervous all the time. Again, I'm confused, because Ali asks Chris L what his mom was like. Um, he's pretty much described his mom in every episode. How could she not know exactly what his mom is like? I still get a little teary eyed when I hear him talk about it, but I swear Ali wants to be like "look on the bright side, at least you're not like Frank and still living at home." But wait, Chris L does live at home, never mind.

*Chris gives Ali a gift. It's really sweet, but why do I always get the feeling that this guy has never dated anyone in his life. Maybe he's just camera shy, but he seems so much cooler with the dudes than he does with Ali.

*It's the rose ceremony. I'm actually kind of freaking out, because I don't know who's gonna go home. I want it to be Ty, but I could have sworn I saw him in Tahiti...Frank, Roberto, and Chris L all get a rose. It comes down to Kirk and Ty. At this point, I'm convinced that Kirk's going home, but I was wrong! She sent Deliverance Ty packing! Hell yes!

*I love that Ty and Ali have to have their whole good bye conversation in the rain. Oh,the drama! Ty thinks Ali's made a huge mistake, etc etc. He's actually kind of a dick about it, but Ali feels okay, because she's one step closer to meeting her husband.

So, our final 4 are: Frank, Roberto, Chris L, and Kirk--- I would have predicted this two weeks ago, but I threw in Ty instead of Frank--- cause In Touch told me Frank dumps her ass...

*Now, the best part of this episode of course didn't have anything to do with Ali, it was the train wreck interview with Jake and Vienna. I love when Chris Harrison says "It is with a certain degree of sadness that I bring you this special Bachelor update." I'm so sure he's sad, this is ratings gold!

*I didn't watch Jake's season except for the finale, but this shit is pure gold. In fact, my sister, brother-in-law, and I can't stop using the word "undermine" ever since it aired. My favorite part of the whole thing is that the big fights Jake and Vienna had were over the GPS and arranging bedroom furniture. Uh, this is the kind of shit all couples fight about. Are they retarded? I guess when your relationship starts with rose ceremonies, you don't expect to have any mundane moments. I wonder if every night before they went to bed Jake asked Vienna if she would accept a rose.

*I'm also confused by the fact that Jake and Vienna were not having sex, because I was convinced the reason he picked her in the first place was because she let him do anal.

*Here's my verdict at the end of this episode. Vienna is a total fame whore, but Jake is one fight away from being a wife beater. They're both gross. But I LOVE that when you're a reality TV star, all you have to do to break up with someone is call up Star Magazine--- and you'll even get paid to do it! Suh-weet!

To end this recap, I just want to say that I kind of missed Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) from this episode. For those of you that feel the same, here's a deleted scene of him and Ali!

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