Friday, July 16, 2010

the BACHELORETTE & the BLOW OFF: Episode 8

Due to popular demand (i.e. one of our readers), I'm posting Monday's recap a little early so that beginning next week, you can now read all about The Bachelorette immediately after it airs!

Plus, I just couldn't wait another minute to share my thoughts on the hometown dates. Holy, holy--- I think you all know where this is going...

*We kick things off in Tampa. Home of the hottest Latino on this side of the equator. No, I'm not talking about Marc Anthony. It's time to meet Roberto's family!! Will they all have adorable butt chin dimples? Will they all have their very own baseball card? I can barely contain my excitement.

*Ali and Roberto literally run into each other's arms when they see each other. We all discuss the classic Bachelorette leg wrap when we see this. I've never done the jump, kiss, leg wrap move myself, but i might start doing it every night when the bf comes home from work just to see if he freaks the fuck out. I hope the next time Ali and Roberto do this, it's an homage to Dirty Dancing and instead of the leg wrap, they go for the full on lift.

*Come to think of it, note to producers. For the finale, when (if) Ali picks Roberto, I'd like the show to recreate the end of Dirty Dancing and for all the other contestants to come out and be their background dancers. Please make sure that R Rated is wearing his cast and that Weatherman is wearing his white jacket.

*Back to the show. Can we all agree that Ali's outfits were pretty terrible in this episode? I get that she has blond hair, but that doesn't mean she needs to wear bright yellow all the time. The kacky shorts and the yellow button down look straight out of an Old Navy ad.

*Roberto tells Ali he has a surprise for her. No, he doesn't strip down naked...he takes her to a baseball field. If it were me, I'd be like "wtf kind of lame ass surprise is this?" But this is Ali we're talking about and the only thing she loves more than throwing around a baseball is boxed wine.

*I will say that Roberto looks extra cute in his baseball uniform and I'm super into dating a guy who has his very own baseball card...BUT scene after scene of them playing catch, swinging at the ball, and running around aimlessly is a total snooze fest.

*Finally, it's over. Roberto and Ali arrive at his parent's house. His family is just like I imagined them: super cute salsa dancers. His mom is especially adorable and there's def some fake blond hair in the vicinity so Ali should feel right at home.

*My fave is Roberto's dad. He's like all suspicious of Ali and he tells Roberto that he's a prize (duh!) and that he wants to make sure Ali really does care about him. Then, he takes Ali into Roberto's trophy room and tries to make her say she'll be a stay at home mom. Ali manages to throw in words like "partnership" and "family" and "dreams", but we all know what she's really thinking....."ain't no man gonna stand between me and the cover of Us Weekly."

*We have to laugh when Roberto tells his mom that he's ready to propose to Ali. I mean, can we all take a moment to realize it's 2010. Why does the show insist that two people who barely know each other have to get engaged at the end? Why can't they just agree to go to coffee or be Facebook friends?

*Dinner at Roberto's looks delicioso. That's right, I speak Spanish and I stereotype. I wonder if Roberto is super confused right now, because once again his mom made all that spanish stuff that he doesn't know what it's called.

*After dinner, they do what every self respecting Latin family does...they salsa!

*I give Roberto's fam 4 stars.

*Off to Cape Cod. Ali and Chris L. share a semi-awkward reunion and frolic around on the beach with his dog. Again, I'd be like "this fog and mist is hell on my hair and I don't like doggy slobber" but Ali is the perfect woman. She'll toss around a tennis ball in boots with heels and she'll even look good with frizzy hair.

*Chris's house is really nice. Totally east coast with the porch and brown shingles. I could totally see myself vacationing there. I think we can all agree that his family was the wealthiest of the bunch.

*Ali's wearing this weird sweater wrap/shawl with one sleeve. It's butt ugly, but the sleeve makes it a lot easier to stay warm and hold a drink in your hand. I have to cringe when Ali and Chris pretend they're a married couple on the porch. I blame the ABC producers for that one.

*We meet Chris's dad first. He looks just like Chris. He is so sweet and him and Chris give each other a huge bear hug. So far, I love the L family.

*Then Chris's brothers and sister-in-laws come over. They are equally cute and you can tell they heart Chris. I'm basically biting my lip to stop myself from crying in front of my friends, because any reference to Chris's mom makes me want to ball my eyes out. Ali doesn't even get misty eyed, what's wrong with her?! How can she not feel sad for Chris's dad? How can she not just want to squeeze Chris L till he pops when he talks about how his mom got to meet his brother's wives, but not his. I wish ABC would have sent John Edwards of Crossing Over fame so he could make reference to some random obscure shit that would help Chris find some inner peace.

*PS why hasn't Chris met anyone? I have a feeling after this show is over, he'll be getting offers left and right.

*I'm into Chris's family, they drink lots of beer and eat lots of shellfish. But let's be real, they are just too nice and genuine for Ali. The guilt must be eating her up alive. Especially, when she and Chris go to the lighthouse. He sticks his tongue down her throat and she basically looks like she's kissing her brother.

*We're off to Wisconsin. Now, after everyone's favorite Bare Naked Ladies video shoot, I had my money on Kirk...but then we met his family. Yes, I'm going there, I'm totally going there, and I know I'm going to go to hell--- but I promise, no one from Kurt's family reads this blog. This is a safe place where we can say anything (inbred) we want.

*I'm convinced the producers put Ali in that horrendous BRIGHT yellow coat to distract us from the strangeness we were about to be forced to watch.

*First, we go to Kirk's dads house. I'm getting weird vibes. Like there are little girls living in some cellar chained to the wall vibes. Kirk's step mom looks like Candi Spelling on crack. I'm not sure if that's his little sister...she's cute and all, but why do I still get the feeling that she tortures birds and rabbits and cats in her spare time? Oh, I know why...b/c Kirk's dad is into taxidermy.

*Ali deserves an Academy Award for gluing on that sweet smile through this whole thing---especially since there was no cocktails being served at Kirk's dad's house (0r food, cause they're cannibals maybe?). When his dad says "Ali, want to go down and see my basement"--- I'm convinced she and the entire ABC crew are going to get murdered, stuffed, and hung from the wall.

*Luckily, Ali survives and she and Kirk head to his mom's house. Mom, sis, and grandma are a little more normal, but...oy, vey...i don't want to be too mean here, because Kirk's mom really does seem so nice, but her appearance is a bit off putting. Let's just say, it would all make more sense if there house was a trailer and her son was Eminem (pre-famous rapper). Kirk pretty much seems like the black sheep of the family. Except for the livestrong bracelets, I don't really see how he fits here.

*Kirk and Ali say good bye and it's getting kind of obvious that he's really falling for her and that worries me, because I think this might be the end of the road for him...

*Off to Chi-town! and guess what?! Ali finally wears a cute outfit! Yay for the sailor girl trend. Frank, however, is wearing clothes two sizes too small for him. He looks a little like me...freshman year in high school when my mom yelled at me for only buying my clothes at thrift stores. Note to Frank--- 1995 is not on its way back.

*Ali and Frank have yet another one of their ridic intense relationship conversations. Frank needs to learn how to play it cool, he just sounds like a little bitch. Plus, I'm still really freaked out by the fact that he has no eyelashes.

*Frank's family is perfectly nice. Super normal. Kind of boring. Kind of like a less intense version of Chris L's family. Ali maybe fits in the best here. She's white, they're white. She's dull, they're dull. It's a match made in heaven, except for one thing... we all know Frank dumps her next week!

*Side note, I talk a lot of trash about Ali, but deep down I kind of like her. There, I said it.

*I'm literally about to throw up at the rose ceremony. No, not because I have to sit through another therapy session between Ali and Chris Harrison, but because I kind of dig all these guys and I don't want anyone to go home. Surely, Kirk will find out he's adopted and he and Ali can search for his normal biological family....

*It's clear that either Kirk or Chris L is going. We know Frank gets a rose and there's no way Roberto doesn't. Kirk's fam is weird, but I just have this sinking feeling that Chris is going to get really hurt so maybe Ali will realize it's better to cut him loose now, instead of drag it out.

*Ali cries when she tells everyone that her decision had nothing to do with their families, but when she blows Kirk off, we know that can't be true.

*I feel bad for Kirk. The guy deserves a break, he almost died of mold. But hopefully he's learned his lesson---- don't let any girlfriend go down in the basement with your freaky dad.

*Now, we know the final two are Roberto and Chris L, since Frank totally pulls an A-hole move on Ali. I actually feel kind of bad for her, because I'm guessing if it were up to her, she'd choose between Frank and Roberto in the end. Now, she has to hurt Chris L even more when she drags him all the way to the finale, just to dump his ass in front of millions of people.

So, awesome news--- because I have friends in high places, I'm spending my entire Saturday at the shoot for the Men Tell All special! AND, we get to watch Monday's episode in advance. I won't blog about either until after they air, but I will give the behind the scenes dish of what the taping was like.

I hope I get to ask questions! Like if I can touch R Rated's soul patch for good luck or give Frank fake eye lashes or put Kirk in a mold protected bubble...but I guess if I can only ask one question, I'll ask weatherman what the forecast in LA is on Sunday. Any burning questions, guys? If so, comment below!

1 comment:

  1. i still can't get over the fact that ali has yet to shed one real tear over chris l.'s mom.