Tuesday, July 20, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Episode 9

Update: None of us should feel sorry for Ali for "giving up everything" to be on the show, because I heard through reliable sources she got paid $600K to be The Bachelorette.

Let me just apologize in advance for all The Bachelorette posts for those of you that don't watch the show. I promise, the season is almost over, and after spending almost 9 hours at the Men Tell All taping, I'm more than ready for the finale. BUT, for those of you that do watch...I think we can all agree this may have been the best episode of the season and included the BLOW OFF of all BLOW OFFs. The famous "I can't get over my ex" blow off. Been there, done that. And that's why, this post is extra long....

*the episode starts with a couple super cheesy sequences of Roberto and Chris L. talking about how much they love Ali and how excited they are to be reunited with her in Tahiti. We watched a few ridiculous scenes of Roberto packing his bag...then OMG, finding the Playbill for The Lion King...he looks at it, remembering his date with Ali...while us viewers immediately jump on the internet and buy tickets to the musical. Wow. Synergy works wonders.

*then Roberto lays on the bed and throws around the old baseball, while fondling himself and thinking about Ali.

*Is it just me or does Chris L get cuter and cuter in every episode? I have pretty much been team Roberto since day one, but now I'm not so sure...I especially love the way Chris L ponders his love for Ali while looking at himself in the mirror.

*And then there's Frank. Yikes, ladies. Let this be a lesson to you, don't ever trust a guy with no eye lashes who actually looks like a young Larry King. Frank reveals what we've all read in In Touch already...that he's got this ex-girlfriend named Nicole that he just can't seem to get out of his head and that he thinks he may still have feelings for her.

*SO, before he goes to Tahiti, he's going to stop in Chicago to see Nicole in person. Thanks to our loyal reader and the very TV savvy achoochu, who said that the producers probably taped this interaction with Nicole while Frank was already in Chi-town for his hometown date. A little fancy editing and it actually looks like Frank is a jetsetter.

*We watch as a nervous and confused Frank walks up and down the busy Chicago city streets aimlessly.

*Here's my first question for lashless Frank: Why the eff did you agree to have this little one on one time with Nicole on camera? If he was so worried about Ali's feelings, shouldn't he know that that would just be salt in the wound? Jerkface!

*So, Frank knocks on Nicole's door and she pretends she's shocked to see him ("what is going on?!")...except...it's not her apartment, it's a hotel room. Uh, me thinks the producers put her up in this hotel room and she totes knew Frank was coming.

*Hmmm, Nicole is not exactly what I expected. She kind of looks like Ashlee Simpson pre-plastic surgery. She's a little cheesy. She's a little like someone that might date....R Rated. Other words used to describe her among my co-viewers: muppet face, sorority row, spoiled brat, Vienna with a black wig.

*Okay, so I watched this at the Men Tell All taping and while I'm not allowed to talk about that show yet, I think it's safe to tell you that the entire audience was laughing their asses off during this whole scene. Who edited this shit? There were so many awkward blank stares between Nicole and Frank--- dude, if I wanted blank stares, I'd tune into The Hills! And why did Frank think it was a good idea to kick off the talk with how much he hearted Ali.

*For a second, I kind of feel for Nicole. It would suck to have your ex-bf go on The Bachelorette...and then I remembered....I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever date someone who would go on a reality show. EVER!!!!! Let alone, agree to appear on the reality show with him!! They must have promised her one night with Roberto.

*Then, Frank tells Nicole that he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She oh so dramatically reaches out to Frank and says "You need to come home."

*We all scream when Nicole breaks into baby talk and says "I miss your kisses." Frank, fuck you. You suck! You're evil. Why the eff did you come on this show?

*He's like "totes" BUT first I need to fly all the way out to Tahiti to tell Ali in person that I'm a fucking douche face. I love when he says he needs to go "find" Ali--- Um, I think the producers will help him with that one.

*Tahiti is SO gorgeous. I would become a full fledged lesbo to date Ali if it meant I could hang out there. I can't salsa, I'm not from Cape Cod, I have eye lashes, but I really think me and Ali would become besties.

*Ali and Roberto are reunited and he's so excited he starts sweating, massively.

*Then, the best thing ever happens. Something I've never seen on The Bachelorette ever. The two of them go on a helicopter ride!

*Then...they land at a heart shaped lagoon. It looks more like a lopsided ass or a kidney, but I'll go with it. Except for the fact that they say "heart shaped lagoon" like five hundred times during this whole sequence.

*Just when I thought Roberto has no flaws...it turns out, he's a little on the sweaty side. That can't be fun in the bedroom...That's okay, I would just make him get botox injections and all would be right with the world.

*Ali and Roberto have dinner and she's dressed like a hoochie mama! Actually, she looks really really pretty, but the boobies are out to play. They have a romantic dinner and Roberto tells her he's FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. Game over! Ali gives him the invitation to the fantasy suite. Roberto reads it out loud and basically butchers the name Le Taha'a.

*He gets so excited about going to the fantasy suite that he sweats his balls off. He and Ali check out the room and Roberto's shorts are no joke, soaking wet.

*The whole fantasy suite concept is just so weird and awkward. Let's pretend Frank doesn't blow her off--- would Ali really have sex with three different guys in three days on national TV? I mean, I guess you want to make sure you're not gonna end up with a bad lay, but I hate how the show is so vague about it. I want a scene of them the morning after!!! Roberto is lucky though, cause he gets the first overnight date and doesn't have to exchange bodily fluids with Chris L.

*Actually, if they really want to save some production dollars and save some screen time--- why not just have a bachelorette orgy? And show the deleted scenes on Playboy. And just take Ali out of it. Now, that my friends is a fantasy suite!

*Okay, so it's the next day and after morning sex with Roberto, and Ali and Chris L. are about to be reunited. He is super cute with her and Ali does the classic leg wrap. I did this to the BF the other night when he got home from work and he flung me against the wall and told me to stop embarrassing him. It made me love him so much more.

*I think I figured out why I love these two together, she kind of reminds me of a grown up Julie from Friday Night Lights and as I've mentioned before, he reminds me of a grown up Saracen...and wait for it...clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!

*Chris L and Ali go on a yacht ride and get drunk, go swimming, make out, etc etc, boring boring boring. Then they find oysters that actually have pearls in them....somehow Ali makes this to be a metaphor for their relationship. Dumb. Plus, I think this is really suspect. This was totally planted by the producers.

*Time for Ali and Chris L. to have their yummy romantic dinner. Okay, here's the first sign she's not into Chris L. She's practically wearing sweat pants and an ugly ass tie dyed shirt. When she had her overnight with Roberto she was wearing a slutty evening gown!

*This is when I really start loving Chris L. The guy is really funny! He pretends to get all pissy with Ali when she reads the fantasy suite note and he's so adorable about how excited he is to hook up with her. Does anyone else think the guy is about to lose his virginity?!

*He is so into her and their fantasy suite is way nicer than Roberto's. Glad they don't have to do the deed in the same bed. WOW. Chris L tells her "I love you." This guy is about to get his heart torn to shreds.

*OMG, OMG, OMG. Frank is in Tahiti!!!! It's the moment of truth. He's all freaked out about seeing Ali, so he does what we all do when we're dealing with a conundrum. He calls Chris Harrison! Chris basically tells him that he sucks and that Ali is crazy about him.

*We all agree that Frank is taking the safe choice. Nicole loves him, but he's freaked out that Ali might not choose him in the end--- so he might as well just pick, Nick-hole.

*It's right about now that I start to suspect that Ali is not going to end up with anyone. It just seems obvious that maybe Frank is the one she really loves. and I don't get it!!! This is why this girl hasn't found love yet, she has terrible taste in dudes. Get her some help!

*Okay, now I think I'm going to throw up. Ali comes over to Frank's place and he tells her they need to talk. You can literally see the hair on her arm stand up. I know I have a whole blog devoted to break ups, but I really really really hate seeing people get hurt.

*Frank finally tells Ali about Nicole, that he went to see her in Chicago, and that he's in love with her! Ali looks like she's going to die. This is terrible. I feel sick to my stomach for her. She basically starts sobbing uncontrollably. We can all relate and this is just upsetting. BUT, if she's this devastated about Frank, then are we really supposed to believe she actually loves Roberto or Chris L? She says she used every opportunity to make Frank know that she wanted to be with him and for him to forget about the other guys, she was certain Frank was going to meet her parents, that she was so excited to see him, that she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with him. Me thinks she liked Frank cause he's kind of an SF type boy and that's where Ali lives.

*I do give Ali credit though. She's a tough broad and she's good at standing up for herself. Per Achoochu, she must be so upset with the producers (especially after she watches the show) for not giving her the heads up.

*Frank needs to be exiled to douche bag island, stat! I don't care if he's crying. He should have been upfront with Ali all along. He totally cock blocked Kirk from getting a fantasy suite!

*Cue the dramatic music.....

*Now, I'm mad at Ali too. Maybe Frank strung her along, but she's stringing Roberto and Chris L along. I don't care if she's contractually obligated to. OR is it all just pretend?! Does she tell Roberto and Chris L off camera that she's not just that into them and they all play it off like they're falling in love with each other?

*Chris Harrison shows up on the beach and consoles Ali. She pulls herself together, calls Frank selfish, repeats for the 100th time how she's given up everything to be on this show. Well, Ali needs to stop frontin'. She didn't give up everything to find a husband, she gave up everything to become famous. The people who love Sarah Palin are the same people that honestly think this show is still about finding love.

*Also, some blogs are calling Ali a hypocrite when she left Jake's season for her job after Jake had "given up everything" to do the show and then she quit her job to become The Bachelorette! My friends and i discussed the fact that maybe she always pulled this as an excuse to cut bait cause she knew Jake was LAME.

*Another therapy session between Ali and Chris Harrison. I wonder if she pays him by the hour. Then Ali sheds some serious wisdom: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Huh?

*Funniest rose ceremony ever. Chris L and Roberto are hilarious when they find out that Frank is gone. Ali can't even admit that Frank left her for some other girl. She claims she doesn't want them to feel like she picked them by default, but that's exactly what she's doing.

Anyway, readers...I hate to say it, but I really think this is one of those crappy seasons where our Bachelorette doesn't end up with anyone. And if that's the case, I'm done with this show for good. So, if Ali doesn't pick anyone and she does just want to be famous--- who is a good match for her? Spencer Pratt? John Mayer? Chris Harrison? Sigh, Ali. Why can't you just love Roberto and Chris L as much as I do?


  1. I totes agree she is not into Chris L, and I think you're right that the outfit says it all. I once went out on a date with a guy who wore a baseball hat and glasses, and I knew, right off the bat, that this was the kiss of death. Oh, that and that fact that he ordered an f'in glass of white wine, when I order a beer! If Ali chooses "herself", I agree, that I am totally done. It brings way too many terrible memories about when Kelly picked herself instead of choosing either Branden or Dylan on 90210. I had to give up the show after that.

  2. can i be your bestie so i can hear you talk like this about everything? you are so funny. i seriously laugh out loud which never happens. thanks!

  3. Anonymous, will you marry me?

  4. i heard from a friend who partied with ali at the tipsy pig in sf (bar filled with dudes ali would like) that she did not find love.

    will the saedi sisters finally give up watching this lame show?

  5. ditto on the NEVER! saaara you've managed to leave out the poundage ali gains every episode. i know i'm being very mean here....but in this episode, in the ugly Chris L. outfit, she looked like she'd gained xtra 20 lbs.