Friday, July 9, 2010

the bitter basketball BLOW OFF

As a guy with a burning desire to write for the BLOW OFF, I never expected, nor intended, my first post to be about professional sports. That's too stereotypical. Yet here I am scribing about a sports break up. But it's not your average split. Last night basketball star LeBron James dumped his first love, and team, the Cleveland Cavilers. A native of Ohio, James was selected number one overall in the 2003 NBA draft by the Cavs. They wanted him, bad, and he wanted to be with them. They were older, he was younger, but they knew they could make it work. The two were, for all intent and purposes, happily in love for a number of years.

Recently, however, they needed to spice things up. LeBron wanted a championship. Oh sure, the Cavs did too, but when you're in Cleveland you'll happily settle for a little less just so long as you get some attention. LeBron wanted to bring new players into the relationship, to help him achieve his goal. The Cavs, never the belle of the ball, found it difficult to attract the best players to play with LeBron. It was due to less interest in the old city than it was the young man. So the past couple years have been stressful. LeBron, seeing the end could be near, flirted with the sexy New York Knicks. The Cavs tried to make LeBron happy. They gave him lots of attention. They let him play with cougars Antawn Jamison and Shaquille O'Neal. In the end, just last night, LeBron decided to move to Miami to hang with his boys (Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh). His move to the Heat was announced by LeBron himself, during an hour long broadcast on ESPN. It's the same time the Cavs found out they'd been BLOWN OFF. LeBron didn't call first. He humiliated the Cavs on national television. "How could he have found a new partner so soon," I'm sure the Cavs asked themselves, further doubting their inadequacies. "We gave him the best seven years of our life."

The Cavs, like many of us, could've called LeBron - hoping he'd answer the phone - to find out if it was really over. Maybe they did. But rather than take some time to think, be alone, and maybe call another city that understands (Detroit, anyone?) the Cavs followed with the most petty, name-calling, ill-advised "open letter to fans" possible. Signed by Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, he calls his former golden child and BFF a narcissist, a coward, and even places a curse on LeBron. Bitter much? To make matters worse and more childish, he used Comic Sans font!

Unlike couples, LeBron will soon be signing a contract with his new love the Heat, guaranteeing his return to the Cavs impossible. LeBron still lives in the Cleveland area or, rather, he still has a whole bunch of stuff at his former love's house. He probably should have grabbed those items before last night. While LeBron handled the BLOW OFF without the best tact, wouldn't it have been better as the Cavs to show the deserter what he could have had instead of publicly tossing all of his belongings on the front lawn?


  1. I love it! what's with the public blow off before the private blow off? so not cool Lebron. I side with Cleveland on this one.

  2. Love it!!! I have to admit I totally had NO CLUE as to what was going on with this whole LeBron thing that night (saw it all over Twitter, but I think Sara and I were out drinking), and this totally cleared things up for me.

    Thanks Van Rappin! Awesome post!!!!