Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Code Names RULE

Since the beginning of time, us ladies refer to guys we've been dating with code names. I'm seriously willing to bet when cave girls were dishing about their dating lives, they referred to their cave boys as "Mr. Hairy" or "Ugly loin cloth dude". The bible may refer to him as Adam, but we all know Eve secretly called him "apple balls" behind his back. And of course the most famous code name ever: Mr. Big. The writers of Sex and the City managed to call Chris Noth by Carrie's code name for seven seasons--- until the series finale when we finally learned his first name was John. BORING.

So, why do we do it? Well, mostly just because it's fun. And maybe because until we know if a guy is for real or if a BLOW OFF is on the horizon-- we want to keep things light and casual and not get first names involved. Here are a few I dug out of the vault and some from our readers, enjoy....

Samson: my great unrequited high school love. He had really long hair that he swore he'd never cut off. I used to smoke pot with him after school just so he'd think I was cool. When we had to make wire sculptures in 3D art senior year, I decided I needed to get over him, so I made a wire tombstone with the words "SAMSON" on it. He's now a recovering meth addict with short hair.

Wallace: My bff's high school crush. His favorite movie was Braveheart, so we called him Wallace after William Wallace.

Sven: The guy I ended up dating in high school. He was way into black metal and also had long hair. He wore a maroon tux to prom, with a top hat, cape, and cane. For the record, I wore a super cute dress from Bebe.

Disco: A certain someone who periodically reads this blog who may or may not have dressed up as a mirror ball for Halloween. Who may or may not have been a co-worker. And who may or may not have kindly rejected me after I super inappropriately told him I was into him (while I was drunk).

Ear Wax Guy: this nickname surfaced after the blow off. He was the guy I dated who despite his cleanliness OCD, still managed to have abnormal amounts of ear wax.

Specks: this cute gay co-worker who wore glasses and who my bgf and I both had a crush on.

Wally Lame: the guy I started dating two weeks before college graduation who blew me off over the course of the next four years. He also fits the description for Big Bird (see below) so they just might be the same person.

the cute guy from sales: this was the nickname I gave the BF when we worked together in New York. Turns out, he was actually the cute guy from research.
From our loyal readers/contributors:

Turd Ferguson: A guy I had a huge crush on for awhile. Then, finally he asked me out and I found out he was a cheapskate, crazy person but then his best friend died and I couldn't dump him for a few months.

BBG (AKA Brain Boner Guy): because the first time we were doing the deed, as we're really getting into it, he said "you're so smart."

GL (she had a lot of gems)
Lobo: A guy we all had an insane crush on in high school but he always considered us all as "friends". Cut to 10 years later and my college best friend comes with me on a road trip and we stay with Lobo while we visit some friends in San Diego. Guess who hooks up with Lobo? Right. My college best friend Not me. Not the girl who had a crush on him since the 11th grade. P.S. He was "Lobo" after the name he chose in Spanish class.

Big Bird: A Producer on a job I did (I know, I know). He was tall, red-headed, Concentration Camp-skinny (sorry, too far?) and totally awkward. What blows my mind here is that HE blew me off. Twice. As if! So much for the god damn Casting Couch.

Star Wars Sheets: An older guy my bff used to have a big crush on back in the day finally invited her over for a little wine and, presumably, make-out session. Only when bff walked into his studio apartment she was greeted with not only his single trundle bed, but his Star Wars sheets. For her birthday that year I got her a Star Wars themed cake. What are friends for?

Mufasa: He looked like Mufasa from "The Lion King". End of story.

I'm an evil person. Remind me to tell you that story in person.

1987: The boy has a name, but I honestly forget it sometimes. He was born in 1987. I was born in 1981. That pretty much sums it up. (Fun Fact: I also refer to him as "Catch-22" sometimes because he's 22 and I'm a dork).

Fantasy Date: Yes Saaara, from "The Bachelor/Bachelorette". His real name was Jeff and he was my former boss. Former. We never hooked up until I was a "former employee". But I'm not sure he could ever get over the whole boss/employee thing so all of our dates felt like client business meetings where he pulled out all the stops to land my business (if you will). We had little to talk about outside of work, so most of our dates were spent silent driving down the PCH en route to some insanely overpriced restaurant in Malibu or Calabasas. I was constantly looking for a camera crew in a chopper overhead or for Chris Harrison to jump out of the bushes with a "Fantasy Suite" card. He would NOT get the final Rose, fyi.

#55: My high school sweetheart's football jersey number. I'm serious. We still refer to him as "#55". Bless his heart. Example: "I heard #55 moved back in with his mom recently."

See, readers. Code names rule. Any of your own you'd like to share? Comment below....


  1. GL forgot to mention Lobo had a girlfriend. A fact he left out when I asked him point blankly. We only found out the next night when we went to his friends house and everyone kept asking were she was.
    Whatever he was hot. Hungry like a wolf. They're still together.

  2. Oh man, that's a whole new post on its own! the "i dont have a girlfriend BLOW OFF"

  3. it's killing me that i can't remember any of my code names. however i do remember one that was given to me "PC" = "Persian Chick". my bestie was "PCB" = "Persian Chick's Buddy". we were freshmen in the dorm dining hall and the code names were given to us by her now husband and his best friend at the time.

  4. D-Bag: B/c his name started with a "D" & turned out he was a total douche bag!

    Speed Racer: The guy whose entire identity is tied up in cars...even has a heart tattoo with an engine in the middle over his actual heart & checkered flags on his back. LAME!

    K-Fed: B/c he was a GIANT mooch who made out with a trashy girl in the bathroom at my BFF's birthday party.

  5. Angle: I can't believe I am admitting this, but I was obsessed with a senior boy when I was a freshman in high school. I spent many hours in German class doodling his initials "CAJ" as he sat unwittingly in the seat in front of me. I combined the letters into the geometry angle sign (I was a nerd, shocking), and it became his code name and pictorial logo in all passed notes. 3 months into the school year, he was expelled for smoking pot at the fall dance, and I was heartbroken.

  6. OMG, i love it! What is it with potheads in high school? There's basically nothing more attractive when you're a fourteen year old girl.