Thursday, July 8, 2010

honest to god BLOW OFFs

Recently, one of our readers expressed his concerns that the BLOW OFF may not be totally honest, because contributors write more about being the blow off victim and less about being the blow off perpetrator. Yes, reader--- you are probably right, but the honest truth is (and i'm speaking for myself here)--- I've been blown off more than I've blown off. And I guess rejection just makes for more interesting stories. But, just to prove that i'm not a total hypocrite, here are my top five "i fucked them over" stories:

5. Once in the 4th or 5th grade, I gave my best guy friend a note on the bus that said "will you go with me" check yes or no. Five minutes later, I realized that I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend.I didn't want to feel obligated to sit next to the same boy during assemblies and I liked hanging out with my friends at recess. So, the next day when my best guy friend asked me about the note at school, I played it off like it was one big joke and that I was just kidding about the whole thing.

4. In high school, I used to love befriending the new kid. I was the first to approach them, introduce myself, and let them know that they weren't a leper. There was skateboard Matt who transferred from Tino, Max the exchange student from Germany, and Robin from Liverpool. Sadly, Robin from Liverpool turned out to be a total weirdo. He didn't bathe much and he'd never heard of The Beatles. My friends and I realized he was seriously cramping our style (and we didn't really have much style), so we started going off campus at lunch and not inviting him to come along. Eventually, he got the message and stopped hanging out with us.

3. When I wrote about the junior prom blow off, I conveniently forgot to mention that I had another prom date before asking the high school love of my life to the dance. My other prom date was a little person, which isn't that unusual considering I'm only five feet tall. He was in my math class and he'd ask me to study with him a few times. I thought he was sweet and when he asked me to prom, I said yes. Then girls started coming out of the wood work and told me I was making a big mistake. One even told me he cornered her at a party once and told her to give him a blow job. I'd sadly never even kissed a boy, so this concerned me. When Little Person asked to have a "talk" one day at lunch and told me he was having second thoughts about prom, because he wanted to get drunk with his friends and wanted a date that was cool with that-- I knew this was my chance to get out blow off free. I lied and said I wasn't cool with drinking and that maybe we were too different and should cancel the date. He agreed. A few days later, he pulled me out of Spanish class and said he'd made a huge mistake and that he changed his mind. I told him it was too late. He thought i was still mad because he'd blown me off, but it was really because I wanted to blow him off.

2. A few nights before I moved away from New York, my roommate and I threw a going away party. Her co-worker was there and by the end of the night he told me he had a crush on me for awhile and felt like an idiot for not doing anything about it sooner. It was extremely flattering and endearing, BUT I had my heart set on another boy who'd blown me off several times and barely spent five minutes at our party. So, I consoled myself by hooking up with the guy who really liked me. Unfortunately, the whole thing was totally awkward and weird and I made sure to avoid talking to him or seeing him before I moved 3,000 miles away. We still haven't talked to this day.

1. I emotionally cheated on my high school boyfriend in college. There was a guy who was from the same hometown as my roommate and he was older and cute and made me feel like I was kind of hot. I thought cuddling and listening to Dave Matthews Band and the Counting Crows on repeat didn't count as cheating, because there was no kissing--- but it kind of did. I would have murdered my bf if he was doing the same thing. My roommate who was privy to the whole thing told me I needed to end things with high school, so I called him one gloomy January day and broke it off over the phone. Too bad he got me back.

There you have it. I'm guilty as charged: I've done my fair share of blowing (0ff). You're welcome.

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