Tuesday, July 6, 2010

the mean girl BLOW OFF

I hate mean girls. And those bitches are everywhere: grade school, junior high, high school, college, grad school, the office, the nursing home....we'll never escape them. If heaven exits and there are mean girls there, I'm gonna be so pissed off at GOD.

Here are some signs that you are dealing with a mean girl: they talk mostly about themselves, they have more guy friends than girl friends, they brag about the fact that they never cry, and they're overly loud and outgoing. I don't know why most mean girls share these traits, they just do.

I'm a recovering mean girl. From about 4th grade to 6th grade, I was a total beeotch. When my friends and I were annoyed with someone in our clique, we'd all go to the bathroom, wait for the girl to go in the stall--- and RUN. Getting "ditched" at recess was a regular occurrence and we all lived in fear of it. It was like the original blow off. But that's not even the worst thing I did as an adolescent. In 5th grade we did a play that was a contemporary spin on Cinderella. My best friend and I got cast as the wicked stepsisters (I told you, I was mean) and we were shocked when the friend we'd been ditching got cast as Cinderella. We were very verbal about the fact that we didn't think she deserved the part and she was so upset she went to the teacher and backed out of playing Cinderella. The part ended up going to another girl and I've felt guilty about it ever since. In my defense, I was ten and I didn't know any better.

But karma's a bitch and I've also been the victim. In college, there was a girl that fit the mean girl description to a T. She was outgoing and popular and when she was nice to me, I'm ashamed to admit--- it made me feel kind of cool. We weren't really friends, but we were both film majors and both members of the film arts coalition, so we ran in some of the same circles. One night after a late movie screening for a class we were in, we started walking back to the dorms together. We were chatting it up and she asked me if I wanted to get a bite to eat at late night dining (all the greasy food you can eat from 10pm to midnight). I was hungry and semi-excited to make a new friend, so I agreed. When we got to late night, she suddenly remembered that she was out of meals for the week. At this point, I started getting suspicious that she was a mean girl. She didn't really want to hang out with me--- she was just hungry and figured she could steal a meal from me. And I would have seemed like a total weirdo to deny her admission-- plus, friends let friends eat for free. So, I agreed to use my meal card to get her in.

Another thing about late night. It's not the type of place you go to get a bite to eat by yourself between classes. It was generally filled with big groups of drunk or high college kids who were just getting started on a night of partying. Anyway, I got my food first and grabbed a seat on the aisle, right by the entrance of the dining hall. After a few tater tots, the mean girl walked in with her tray of food. I smiled and waved at her to signal where I was sitting, but she walked right past me and sat with her big group of fellow hipster film friends. And yes, she definitely saw me. It was a blatant blow off: the girl used me for my meal card and made me eat all by myself at late night dining. I ate as fast as I could and walked back to the dorms in the dark with all those empty calories I didn't even want.

The same year, a group of us went to Sundance and mean girl came along with her super dorky boyfriend. The guy was nice, but it was like a short bob saget dating Lady Gaga--- it just didn't make sense. A bunch of us were napping at the hotel and I woke up to Lady Gaga and Bob Saget making out on the bed. Lady Gaga was all upset about having to write a paper and Bob Saget said he'd write it for her....like he did the last time she had a paper due. It was official, this girl sucked.

Years later, I was grabbing brunch at the Mustard Seed Cafe in LA and recognized one of the waitresses as the meal stealing paper faker mean girl. She looked stressed out and miserable and it made me feel like justice was finally served. And because I'm a nice girl, i still left that dumb bitch a tip.


  1. i too was a mean girl (like sister like sister). i once (along with another friend) told a girl who was the 3rd in our clique that we no longer wanted to be friends with her. we cut off her off for no good reason and left her crying in the girls locker room. i also once told a guy that my friend would never like him "face it david, she'll never like you". he cried during 7th grade english class and when the teacher asked him what was wrong he said it's cause i'm jewish (we were performing a christmas carol). the real reason was cause i gave it to him straight, mean girl straight.

    not sure why i was surprised when someone carved into the toilet paper dispenser in the girls locker room "slim is a bitch with a man's voice."

  2. Yeah, but the girl who carved that into the toilet paper dispenser stole your hot topic flannel from the gym locker room--- and everyone knows stealing a flannel circa 1994 is like just as bad as human genocide.

  3. i think i'm a nice girl with a mean girl identity complex.