Wednesday, July 28, 2010

the men tell all BLOW OFF

Okay, so I haven't actually watched the Men Tell All show on TV--- BUT I was there for the taping so here's my behind the scenes recap on the show.

*First, before I left the house, my bf asked me if I was taking my bathing suit. Uh, why would I take my bathing suit to the Men Tell All taping? It turned out he thought I was going to the Bachelor Pad to hang out at the pool for the day. LOL. I would NEVER do that...before getting a spray tan, hair extensions, and a boob job.

*We were told to report to the studio in Burbank at 12noon on a Saturday. It was me, MB (my old-co worker at ABC), and Achoochu (the hostess of the weekly Bachelorette screenings). It felt like it was about 100 degrees in Burbank that day and I'd had a couple mimosas before we arrived....so after we stood in line for about 45 minutes to fill out releases, I thought there might be a chance I'd faint and get carried away on a stretcher before we'd actually get to the taping.

*Just when the heat hallucinations came on, we went through metal detectors (in case any of us planned to assassinate Ali) and were taken to a holding room for about another hour. At this point, I was sweating more than Roberto in Tahiti.

*By 230pm, we were snacking on baby carrots (thanks Achoochu!) and ushered into the studio. We got to watch the Tahiti episode in advance and see Frank break Ali's heart! I kept telling myself not to react to anything, because I didn't want an embarrassing cut away of myself on TV, but how could I not throw up on myself and everyone in front of me during the Frank/Nicole pow wow?!

*Then, we got a twenty minute lesson on how to clap, cheer, awww, clap some more, cheer some more, awwww some more. I have a new found respect for television audiences after this experience. It's no joke, people!

*Chris Harrison came out next and did a bunch of intros and outros or whatever they're called. He seems like such a cocky bastard. He was actually kind of nice, but you know when you can just tell someone is a jack ass? I mean, buddy, get over yourself-- you're the host of the worst television show of all time! I hate to say it, but something about him screamed "I just stuck it in the bachelorette back stage."

*Then we watched this pre-taped interview between Chris and Ali...uh, wtf is this bullshit? It's almost 4pm, isn't Ali coming on the show? Why can't you just ask her all this stuff in person?

*OMG, I love that Roberto almost nailed Ali with the champagne cork in the outtakes. You know that was totally on purpose. He was probably like "still feel like being perky you annoying beeotch?" How hot would it be if Ali had to wear an eye patch for the rest of the season and talk like a pirate?

*The best part of this taped piece is when Ali has no recollection of putting on the astronaut helmet on her museum date with Casey. Um, of course she doesn't. She's a BOOZER. At this point, I'm more convinced than ever that we are attending a taping of A & E's Intervention.

*The guys FINALLY come out!!! Wait, there's only 14 of them??? Where are the other ten guys? And who are some of these dudes? There's at least four guys that got kicked out in the first episode. hmmmm....isn't this called the men tell ALL not the men tell ALL about what happened the first and only night they were in the house?.

*Hold the fuck up. Rated R isn't here? Craig Dangerous isn't here? Frank the skank isn't here? No, you didn't ABC. Do they seriously not make them commit to being at the Men Tell All in writing before the season even starts to tape?

*Wait, none of them are holding letters they've written to Ali about her drinking problem. Damn. I guess this isn't A& E's Intervention.

*Basically, for the next three hours, we end up listening to the guys talk ad nauseum about the same stuff over and over again. The three of us are "in the know" on the tv biz, so we realized this was to make sure they got all the right sound bites and stuff, but after awhile I wondered if the whole thing was some giant human experiment to see which one of us would crack, rush the stage, and kick Chris Harrison in the balls. I mean, do we really need to talk for an hour about whether Craig Dangerous is really dangerous? Or what a jerk Rated R is? Or that Casey is fucking nuts? Or that Kirk got screwed over by Frank? Right about now, the show was more like THE MEN NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

*So, here's what I learned about the guys that you may have not seen on TV. A select few of them are totally besties which I thought was really cute. You can kind of tell they didn't really care about the Ali part of the show as much as just hanging out in the house and being dudes together and talking about their ex-girlfriends.

*Chris N actually talks a lot! And he's a lot cuter in person. Now, I get why he stuck around so much.

*Jesse (AKA the 24 year old) is HOT. (duh.)

*Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) is the best dressed and the most articulate. But the dude LOVES to hear himself talk. They could not get this guy to shut up.

*Casey is a lot more endearing in person. He was pretty self deprecating and basically admitted to being a nut job. "guard and protect your heart" was def the most overused line of the show.

*The Weatherman is just as annoying as he was on the show. But some weird part of me wanted to cuddle with him.

*All the guys are potty mouths! Every other word they said was either fuck, shit, asshole, etc. Weatherman even said "cunt" in one of the taped packages when he was talking about Craig Dangerous!

*The Outdoorsman from Alaska or Colorado or wherever it snows is the BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG ever. He kept talking, not making sense, Chris Harrison wanted to smack him. I wanted to smack him. Honestly, I think he might have a slight mental handicap.

*All the guys are meant to be with Ali, because they are total boozers. They kept getting breaks in between segments and when they came back they were rowdier and more belligerent. Especially Kirk who got butt naked at one point and ran around the studio screaming "taxidermy rules!"

*Kirk then said about five hundred times that he's pissed at Frank, because if it weren't for him he would have gotten laid on the Fantasy Suite date. He kept saying that "a lot can change or happen on a fantasy suite date." Basically, he was one multiple orgasm away from getting engaged to Ali.

*At around 7pm (after 7 hours of being at the studio) Ali still isn't on stage! Instead, the show decides to bring in that chick whose name I can't remember who was on The Bachelor last season who spilled the beans on R Rated. At this point, we're all hungry, exhausted, freezing cold, and have heard them bitch about R Rated for a good two hours. Is this segment really necessary? This chick is SO happy to get some air time though and the sounds of 14 erections ripple through the audience when she steps out on stage.

*Then, Chris Harrison decides it's the perfect time to take questions and comments from the audience. My favorite is the girl that says something about how R Rated isn't even here, so he's not only a liar but a coward too. "I mean, who does that?" she says. Girl--- I effing hate you! We've been here for almost eight hours, and now we just wasted 2o seconds on your dumb comment! This is like when you're dying to get out of a work meeting or a class in college and people won't stop talking or asking questions. I mean, who does that?!

*Okay, it' now 8:30...we've been here for almost 9 hours and Ali isn't even on stage!!! It wouldn't be that big of a deal except we are being kept without food and water and we need to fight our way to get pee breaks. This is worse than Abu Ghraib folks!

*I end up leaving in a panic before Ali comes out after driving my poor friends crazy, cause I'm worried about being late to a 930 screening of Inception. (Not the best movie to watch after nine hours at the Men Tell All taping.)

*Huge thanks to my girl MB for taking me as her guest to the screening. Yeah, it was a long day, but overall, it was a blast. I got to see some of my fave exiled boys in person (Paul Giamatti, Weatherman, Guard Protect Heart Guy, Moldy Kirk, Ty who is not cool enough for a funny nickname, and the 24 year old.) AND I got a free Bachelorette T-Shirt!!!!!!

*So, I watched what I missed in studio on Hulu. I was a little scared for Ali when she came out. I'm getting Heidi Montag vibes post season one on The Hills. Ali's just looking blonder and bustier and cheesier every time we see her. Next thing we know, she's going to have Double G boobs and hosting Vegas pool parties!

*The interactions between Ali and the dudes are minimal at best. Casey sings a song which is kind of funny, but kind of tired. I totally get single girl vibes the whole time from Fedotowsky.

*My friends who stuck around at the taping later told me that when they showed the packages on Roberto and Chris L, all the guys cheered loudest for Chris L. (for all you non-TV folks, a package is the taped clips segments, it is not a penis!) I heart Chris L, but why no love for Roberto? Is it cause of the butt chin? the sweating problems? He didn't have his papers on him and they think he's in the country illegally? Okay, okay, before you freak out on me, I'm allowed to make illegal immigrant jokes because....let's just say I've spent a fair amount of time at the INS.

*Holy Hell Yes. The preview for Bachelor Pad looks awesome! People making out on sports cars, girls crying, the most overused reality TV line ever ("we are not friends"), JESSE, CRAIG DANGEROUS??? I am so there!!!

*Okay, peeps. Next week is the Tahiti finale and although I'm still reeling from seeing that Ali's parents are human and not wolves (although, if it had been a full moon in Tahiti, it would have been a game changer) I'm still pretty sure Ali ends up "choosing herself." Especially since the guys said they always felt like Frank was the front runner and that he was the only guy Ali would talk to/kiss between takes. Shit, I can't wait for After the Final Rose!!!!

*PS Did anyone else read that E from Entourage approached Ali while she was eating dinner at Dan Tana's? They're totally fucking.

Anyway, I can't believe there's only one more episode left (and one more blog post). I can honestly say, my life will never be the same without Ali Fedotowsky. That perky laugh, the fake hair, the bright yellow clothing, the way she can drive a sports car, the helicopter rides, the prom dresses, the loose braids and the converse, the boozing, the Bare Naked Ladies video....Sigh. Now that I've known a world with Ali how will I ever live in one without her?

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