Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The bachelor (pad) & the BLOW OFF: episode 1

This recap is a call for help. Please, someone save me from myself and my bad reality TV addiction.

Fuck it. I'm done fighting it.

*The Bachelor Pad poses the life long question: For love or money? In this case, it's more like For douche bags or money? If this is supposed to the driving tension of the whole show, it kind of sucks. Like any of these trashy people are gonna trade in $250K just to add to their collection of STDS. I don't think so.

*BTW, all star reality shows are my favorite kind. There's only one thing worse than a person that goes on a reality show: a person that goes on a reality show multiple times. These people are LOSERS.

*The show starts in front of my dream house with my dream man (Chris Harrison). The first limo pulls up and out walks Tenley. Wow. I thought Ali was perky. This girl is beyond annoying! I believe I declared on this blog that she wasn't chosen by Jake Pavelka, because of her bad blow job lips.

*The 24 year old is back (Jesse). YES! He's so hot and I love that he doesn't speak. He's the perfect little mimbo.

*Then this chick Natalie shows up and she and Tenley have multiple orgasms when they see each other. Natalie wears just the right dash of "I'm easy" and knows the way to a man's heart is telling him his tattoos are sexy. If things don't work out between these two, I will be devastated.

*More limos pull up. Here are the highlights: Nikki's pissed that Juan was in the house, because he wam, bam, thank you mam'd her. This chick Gwen shows up who no one knows, because she was on The Bachelor twenty years ago. Everyone talks about how old she is and during her interviews her age shows up as "??" Tenley flips when this one guy shows up who's name I can't remember, because he looks like every other guy on the show. Gia arrives and all the girls want to commit suicide, because she's so gorgeous. I feel for these girls. I don't even like living in a solar system where Gia and I have to co-exist.

*Elizabeth (AKA Agent Orange) gets really happy when "Kovacs" shows up. I'm really happy too, because clearly the producers of The Bachelor read my recaps, because they made my dreams come true and brought a real life vampire on the show. Have you seen the guy's teeth?

*The last limo pulls up and it's...wait for it...Craig M. HELL YES. That hair, those fluorescent polo shirts, the awkward shifty eyes. I'm in love. Weatherman delivers the funniest line ever when he says that Craig M showing up pretty much confirmed to him that there is no god. Poor thing.

*People hate Craig M. especially Agent Orange b/c he picked on Weatherman. The cast of characters are even more lame than I thought! They still watch The Bachelor!

*And then something TERRIBLE happens. Chris Harrison introduces his co-host. Does anyone else find Melissa Rycroft extremely annoying and offensive? And then, she has the nerve to announce to everyone that she's married now?! What a bitch. These people are single, poor, orange, and on a reality show. How dare she flaunt her perfect life at them.

*Also, since when does it take two people to do Chris Harrison's job??? What, the guy is overworked or something? The world's easiest job just got a whole lot easier.

*Side note, I'm so into Krisily. She keeps saying my favorite reality TV line: I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win $250,000. Oooooh, snap....

*Everyone gets into their bathing suits. My favorite fake boob/leathery skin combo is on display left and right. The girls all decide they will vote off Craig M. I don't believe this! He barely lasted on The Bachelorette and now these bitches want to get rid of him too? Weatherman was right, there is no god.

*The first challenge is a total JOKE. Twister? WTF? On Fear Factor they had to eat shit. On Survivor they have to eat bull testicles. On the Real World/Road Rules challenge they have to do obstacle courses way harder than the ones on Double Dare. ABC, you don't fool me. This is just an opportunity to air cleavage and butt crack shots.

*OMG. Craig M wins Twister. He can't get voted off. There is a god after all!! Now, he gets to pick three girls to go on a date with him. On that date, he'll give one girl a rose and she'll be safe from elimination.

*The next thirty minutes are basically a bunch of girls trying to get Craig to take them on his date.

*At some point, weatherman says something about what might happen if he hooked up with two girls in the house. Awww, that's so sweet. Weatherman actually thinks he's going to get action.

*Tenley spreads a rumor that Michelle (the crazy girl) and Craig M hooked up in the middle of the night. Everyone talks smack about Michelle whoring herself out for a rose and she gets really mad.

*Craig picks Jessie, Gwen (shocker!), and Agent Orange. They all hop into a limo and Jessie wears nothing but her bikini. Um, I can barely walk from my chaise to the pool in my bikini. Who does this bitch think she is? This is a respectable family show!

*Craig and his girlfriends frolic on the beach and Orange and Craig end up on some rock to have yet another conversation about how he needs to prove to her that he's not a jerk. I love how reality TV makes this whole exchange seem so spontaneous, yet camera men had to climb on those rocks to get this all on tape.

*Craig tells Agent Orange he's attracted to her. Gross. I want him to love Gwen. She seems insecure and lonely and in need of some male attention. Especially since the doctors accidentally put her breast implants in her cheeks.

*The date continues to the Greek Theater where Craig has to give out his rose. He picks Jessie. Agent Orange is pissed! They slow dance to that guy who used to be in that band who now has a solo career who still keeps singing that one hit wonder.

*Back at the house, shit goes down with Tenley and Michelle in the bathroom. Basically, Michelle threatens to kill Tenley with her electric toothbrush, because Tenley started a nasty rumor about her. This Michelle bitch is straight up crazy! Tenley loses her shit and cries to Orange and everyone in the whole house is pissed. No one messes with Princess Tenley and gets away with it!

*Did anyone else feel like there was about five million conversations between Agent Orange and Edward Cullen (Kovacs)? I get it: she loves him, he doesn't love her, and that could mean drama for the house. Poor Orange seems so pathetic, cause it's so obvious Cullen is not into her at all. All her crying drove me nuts. Get it together girl.

*The best part of this episode had to be the scenes of Natalie and Jesse sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace. The whole thing was shot from behind and totally reminded me of those compilation music ads from the 80s where couples sit by the fireplace and listen to Endless Love.

*Vote time! All the ladies (besides Queen Gia of the Valley) are wearing ugly cocktail dresses that make them look fat and top heavy. Juan thinks Nikki still has a hard on for him and isn't going to vote him off. Sucker! Even though she looks like an encased sausage in that shiny yellow dress, she's still smart enough to vote that loser off the show.

*Craig votes Michelle off cause the BJ she gave him was too teethy. Then, he lies to her face and says he didn't vote for her! OMG, that is totally something Weatherman would do. Those two are meant to be together.

*This is longest effing rose ceremony EVER. Crazy Michelle and Juan are voted off. Let this be a lesson to you boys--- you never know when the girl you use for sex ends up on the same reality show as you and prevents you from winning a quarter of a million dollars.

*Fingers crossed Michelle shows up halfway through this season with a machete and kills everyone (it's reality TV, it's fake!) and the season ends early and we all get our lives back. And Chris Harrison gets the $250K by default.

1 comment:

  1. I didn't read past the first paragraph, but always for love. Take Tiger Woods' ex-wife as an example -- I wouldn't trade 10 years of my life for $750 million.