I was on my way to AchooChu's place to watch The Bachelor Pad on my favorite projector screen Monday night, but Obama was in LA and traffic was a bitch, so after twenty minutes of getting nowhere, I turned around, went home, and scraped off my HOPE bumper sticker. How could the president stand in the way of my hot date with reality TV?
*Since I was stuck in traffic, I missed the first ten minutes of the show and didn't get to see the girls eat pie. But I did catch the boys. Is this an homage to Stand By Me or what? Craig M tries to eat the pie with his hair. David doesn't understand why being on steroids doesn't help him eat pie. Tenley is hoping Kipton will win so that they can bone on their date...but in a stunning move, Weatherman eats the most pie and wins.
*So, Gia and Weatherman both earn roses. Wait, hold up. Gia is a supermodel and she can eat a lot of pie? That's it. I hate her.
*Two cliques start forming in this episode. The Outsiders and the Socs. Okay, that's a literary reference folks. Look it up.
*The outsiders decide they need to unite and break up the clique of popular kids (Kovacs, Elizabeth, Kipton, Tenley, Natalie, David, Wes). I'm totally into this game now and I'm rooting for the underdogs. I hate popular people.
*Gia lays down the law for weatherman and tells him he needs to give the rose to one of the outsiders. She keeps telling him how much he loves him, blah blah blah. Gia could tell Weatherman to cut off his balls and he would do it.
*Weatherman gets his date card and picks Gwen, Ashley, and Peyton. OMG, two dates in a row for Gwen, this is the most action this girl has gotten in years.
*Can we say budget cuts? Ali Fedotowsky got private plane rides and trips to Iceland on her dates. Weatherman takes his ladies to some run down warehouse where they have to roll around in paint and we have to once again see Weatherman in a speedo again. I have to pause the TV at this point to run into the bathroom and vomit.
*I've decided Chris Harrison does not have the easiest job in the world. That title just went to Melissa Rycroft. She just comes out and tells them to use their bodies to paint and then peaces out. She had to sit through hair and make up for that?
*I think it's actually kind of cute that Weatherman has the hots for Gwen. I want them to fall in love and have the next televised wedding on ABC. But Gwen says that's never gonna happen, even though weatherman gives her the rose and that both their favorite places in the world is Positano. Oh, gosh--- poor weatherman is never going to lose his virginity!
*Weatherman and Gia have another pow wow and she tells him that he needs to make Craig M his bitch and the two of them need to stick together. Gia says over and over again that she's going to give Craig M the rose. Yes, my shifty boyfriend gets to stick around for another week (hopefully!)
*It's time for Gia to pick the three guys she wants to take on her date. She goes with Craig M, Wes, and then she decides to pick the final name out of a bowl...WTF?! Not only is Gia gorgeous and can eat pie with the best of them...BUT she's also a GENIUS! She writes down Jesse's name over and over again. I actually have no idea why she does this instead of just picking Jesse, but in Gia we trust.
*Jesse practically creams himself when Gia picks his name out of the bowl.
*Another low budget date. Gia takes the boys to a park in downtown LA with a bed in it. She tells Craig M right off the bat that she's going to give him the rose and that she's been dying to tell him this all day. Craig is super psyched.
*Jesse and Gia have a long chat and he basically says he doesn't care about Natalie at all and that she means nothing to him. I bet that's exactly what Brad Pitt said about Jennifer Aniston when he was faced with the prowess of Angelina Jolie. I kind of feel bad for Natalie, all it took was one coy smile from Gia and Jesse just loses interest in the girl that's been giving it up. And that's it for me, folks. I have lost all hope in love and relationships.
*Then, something really weird happens. Gia and Wes have some alone time and I realize that Gia totally loves this douchey douche. I mean, if ever there was proof that woman are fucking idiots, this is it. Wes is straight up nasty. He just spouts off some generic compliments and Gia can't see straight anymore.
*OMG. Gia gives the rose to Wes. You've got to be kidding me. Her boyfriend back home better look like Sloth from The Goonies for her to be into this guy. What will this mean for my main squeeze, Craig M?
*Ugh, I cannot wait for the vampire and agent orange to get booted from this show. They are so annoying! I love when she calls herself a dumb smart girl. Um, no Elizabeth, you are a fucking retarded dumb girl.
*The best part of this whole episode has to be the soft porn scene where agent orange and the vampire take a shower. All we hear is "oh, oh" and then we see some weird silhouettes. At this point, I'm about 99.9% certain they are having butt sex. Kovacs could get this chick to do anything.
*Natalie and Jesse have some conversation about whether she's effed other guys in the house and she says she has no shame and basically says that she's effed them all. Then, the next thing I know, she's crying and they're broken up. Okay, now I'm crying. I was so invested in their love.
*Jessie and David dry hump in the hot tub and Jessie tells him all about the outsiders and their master plan. Krisily hears the whole thing and she's pissed. She starts to tell everyone that Jessie is playing both sides. Jessie denies this and tells David she hearts him even though the steroids have shrunk his man parts.
*All the outsider girls agree they are going to vote Kipton off. I'm kind of confused. Kipton is part of the cool clique, but he's the nicest one of the in crowd. Why wouldn't they get rid of Kovacs? This must be where the ABC producers come in. They need to have Kovacs on the show so they can have more priceless moments of Elizabeth crying and being completely pathetic.
*Nikkie's three chins tremble at the thought of voting Kipton off, because apparently they're really good friends. She has a moral dilemma--- does she keep her word to the girls or does she save Kipton and the entire popular crowd. Poor, Nickster, she just wants to be part of the cool crowd, even though she's old enough to have given birth to half these people.
*The rose ceremony begins and I totally take it back. Melissa Rycroft does have a hard job. She has to hand out roses. This girl is like the next Vanna White.
*Jessie gets voted off even after she gave it up to David in the hot tub. AND....Craig M gets voted off too!!! I'm so mad. Nikkie totally screwed the outsiders!!! But you know what, I don't blame Nikkie. I BLAME GIA. I can't believe she has the balls to even be mad at Nikkie when she was the one that could have given Craig the rose in the first place instead of falling for cheesy Garth Brooks. And just like that, my Miami Vice boyfriend is gone...never to be seen from again until he gets another reality show offer....