Wednesday, August 25, 2010

the bachelor pad & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

I was back in front of my favorite projector screen to watch another captivating and suspenseful episode of The Bachelor Pad.

*The show starts with Gia bitching out Nikki for not voting Kiptyn out of the house. Gia's totally on my shit list here, especially since she was the mastermind behind this whole plan and she fucked things up in the first place by giving Wes a rose!

*Then, just went things can't get worse, it's time for the grossest challenge yet: a kissing contest. I would have been the first contestant to back out. You couldn't pay me enough to kiss these people. I don't know where those mouths have been! Natalie of course said she'd kiss everyone in the house for $20. That my friends is one cheap slut.

*So, first the guys have to kiss all the girls who are blindfolded. Then vice/versa. These scenes were not for the weak of heart. The kisses were worse than the opening of the movie Kids! Plus, does the make up artist have enough foundation to cover the cold sores that are bound to pop up?

*Ashley backs out of the kissing contest, but not because she doesn't want to get thrush...she claims she's a teacher and doesn't want to disappoint her students. Can we take a moment to mourn the fact that we have an educational system in America where this girl is a teacher?!

*Gia cries her eyes out about having to kiss any of the guys, because she's got a boyfriend. I thought Gia was stunning the first time I saw her, but the more this bitch talks, the uglier she gets. Does she actually think her boyfriend isn't going to dump her after he sees her drool all over Wes?

*The kissing went on forever. There was a lot of tongues shoved down a lot of throats. David (#2) was especially heavy on the tongue, but all the girls kept raving about what a hot kisser he was.

*This is where I have major beef with Elizabeth or Agent Orange as we call her. She went on and on about what a horrible kisser the weatherman was. It was so mean!!! Poor weatherman probably tried to slit his wrists after this episode aired. And then, when she had to kiss him again, she spit afterwards! What a bitch. This is the same girl that hated Craig M when she first met him, because of how mean he was to weatherman. She sucks!

*I like to imagine that Chris Harrison actually went into a little room to tally the votes of the kissing contest, but I'm guessing they make a PA do all the grunt work, which once again proves this guy does nothing! Anyway, the winners of the kissing contest are....David and Peyton!

*We all cheer when Peyton wins, because her kisses were the least offensive. She's potentially the classiest girl in the house. And in a shocking move, she takes Kovacks and Kiptyn on her date along with Jesse B (who I can no longer call the 24 year old, because he's 25).

*Dave gets to take three girls to Vegas on his date and he picks Nikki, Natalie, and Krisily. We all decide Krisily might be one of our favorites. She's super cute and her school girl crush on David is endearing. I can forgive her for clearly having bad taste in men, because David def came in on the first boat from Douche Bag Island.

*Natalie is fucking ridiculous on the Vegas trip. Our very own Rossvm summed it up perfectly: "she looks like an STD." and she does. Just when Krisily was going to confess her love to David, Natalie starts frolicking on all the chaise lounges. Why couldn't she have fallen and broken her neck?! Is there no God??

*Then, in another shocking move, Natalie goes topless in the hot tub. I so want David to surprise us and see through her wicked ways. And I kind of wish Nikki and Krisily would stoop to her level, because their boobs put Natalie's to shame, but they keep their dignity.

*If you don't believe me about Nikki and Krisily's boobs, just watch the next scene where they're all in the fantasy suite. They are sporting more cleavage than Heidi Montag, folks. David has to give the rose to one girl and he let's down the entire world by picking STD face. And just like that, the fantasy suite doors close and Natalie and David get. it. on. This would have been the perfect place for ABC to insert a PSA on what to do if you or someone you love is a slut.

*Back at the house, Tenley tries to cuddle with Kiptyn, but he blows her off big time. I don't get it? Doesn't he know they're meant to be together? I mean, they both have first names that only Sarah Palin could have come up with.

*Poor Tenley, I feel bad for her. I want her to find love. She's one of the few non-sluts on the show and she keeps getting rejected!

*Peyton goes drag racing on her date with the guys, while back at the house Agent Orange looks like Glenn Close at the end of Fatal Attraction. She's flipping out that Kovacks is on a date with another woman and that he could get the fantasy suite rose!

*The drag racing date is a serious step down from going to Vegas, but I still love Peyton even though she's wearing super ugly True Religion jeans. Honestly, I don't remember much from this date. The guys are boring. I can barely tell Kiptyn and Kovacks apart. Jesse B is wearing yet another ugly outfit, but he's got it bad for Peyton and that makes me like him, because she's the most normal girl in the house. He gets the rose and Peyton invites him to the fantasy suite...which is in the bachelor pad! It's super ghet-to compared to where David and Natalie spent the night. And you know the hotel asked ABC to do re-sanitize after those two left.

*The worst part about this episode was the awful scenes we were forced to watch between Gia and Wes. Gia practically had a nervous breakdown during the kissing contest, but then she basically spends the rest of the episode in Wes's bed. This girl makes no sense. Then, she swoons when Wes sings some terrible country song and describes him as "a modern day Shakespeare only way cuter and better." Wait. Do we actually think she knows who Shakespeare is?

*It becomes pretty clear that Gia is probably going to get voted off by the guys, because she tried to break up the inner circle. Wes does his best to convince the dudes to vote off Elizabeth and his argument actually makes a lot of sense, but the guys aren't having it.

*At yet another shocking rose ceremony where Melissa Rycroft does absolutely nothing, poor little Weatherman gets voted off. Then, there's a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. David gets the tie breaking vote, because he won the kissing contest. It's pretty obvious he's going to vote for Gia, so that his friend Kovacks can continue getting laid. I'm pretty happy to see dumb Gia go and I hope she and Wes don't end up together, because I seriously think the world would implode if they were allowed to procreate.

*Next week's episode looks AWESOME! The contestants have to play that mean game where they basically have to say how much they hate each other and what big sluts everyone is! I don't know if I can wait till Monday to see all the girls call Natalie an STD face....this could be the best episode yet....

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