I just can't believe our journey with Ali is coming to an end. It's been filled with highs (the taxidermy basement) and lows (Ali's yellow outfits).
All signs have been pointing to Ali "breaking all the rules" and picking no one, which makes me all the more pissed off about watching the show. I'm seriously considering making picket signs and storming ABC tomorrow. Here's my recap:
*ABC hires actors to play Ali's family, because we all really know she's been raised by a pack of wolves. Roberto and Ali reunite, so that he can meet her fake family. (Jk, I actually secretly love Ali)
*Poor Roberto, he's so sweaty. Ali's family seems a little afraid of a non-white person in their midst, but they do a good job of pretending they're cool with it. They gush about how Roberto spoke spanish to her when they first met. I think he said "tengo ganas de comer los tacos de pollo." Okay, just kidding, that means I would like chicken tacos and is the only thing I remember from Spanish class.
*In case we forgot, Roberto can salsa!!! Ali's mom asks him to dance with her. Later, Ali's mom (who's super new age) and Roberto have some alone time and she speaks broken Spanish to him. Something like I believe even though you're a latino, your heart is pure aryan.
*But who gives a shit what Ali's mom thinks. What Roberto really cares about is talking to Ali's dad. He tells Ali's dad that he's super into Ali, but Ali's dad seems a little skeptical. Maybe it's cause he doesn't want sweaty non-white grandkids?
*Now, it's Chris L's turn to hang out with Ali's family. They all gush that he's just like them (ie white) and they talk about the Cape and the Red Sox and general stuff white people talk about. We notice that Ali always goes for the sexy look with Roberto (tube top dress) and the ugly safari look for Chris, this is not a good sign.
*Again, I want to cry when Ali's mom asks Chris to tell them what their mom is like. Although I've heard the answer so many times I could give them the rundown (she was great and everyone loved her and she was a nurse).
*We gush about how great Chris L is, but one of us confesses that she thinks he's boring. We're not willing to entertain this, so we explain to her that he only seems boring, because he's nervous in front of the cameras. DO. NOT. CALL. CHRIS L. BORING.
*Chris L has the "talk" with Ali's dad and totally asks for his daughter's hand in marriage. It is so sweet, but we are about a 100% certain that he's totally going to get his heart broken. I'm hoping there's some sort of suicide watch for Chris after Ali doesn't pick him.
*Ali has a heart to heart with her mom about how her relationship with Chris is progressing slowly. I'm so confused. It's only been two months and the guy wants to propose. How much faster does she want things to move? OMG, I just had the perfect reality TV idea for ABC. Ali should be pregnant and then they should do a series called The Bachelorette: Who's your daddy? And at the end of the nine months we find out who's sperm was stronger in the fantasy suite.
*Super cheesy ass scene of Ali's family throwing on bathing suits and diving in to the gorgeous Tahiti waters. Please make it stop.
*Ali and her fam have a pow wow to discuss who's the better guy for their ray of sunshine: Roberto or Chris L? Ali's dad says something about Roberto being more sincere about his feelings for Ali. Seriously? Chris L nearly threw up telling you how much he loves Ali and you didn't think he was sincere? Ali's brother and sister totes disagree with dad and tell Ali that Chris L. is ready to get down on one knee and propose. I can't believe no one's referenced Roberto's overactive sweat glands and how they might be problematic in the long run. Ali looks all pensive and confused. What now?! Why is it so hard to be in love with two men?!?
*Ali and Roberto go on their last date before the rose ceremony. She looks really hot and they snuggle in bed and do what they always do together: giggle about how cute they are. For once, I would like to see two people on this show have a serious discussion about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan or the gulf spill or health care reform. Now, that would be the most shocking episode of the Bachelorette.
*We all flip the fuck out when Ali says that she loves Roberto and that she doesn't want her date with him to end. Wait. Hold up. Ali loves someone!?!?!?!?
*Ali shows up at Chris L's hut acting like she's on speed. We hear it in her voice, we see it in her face....this is going to be the world's most upsetting BLOW OFF we've ever witnessed. So....this is how Ali broke ALL the rules!
*Ali gives it to Chris straight. She's in love with someone else and there's only room for one guy who loves her in Tahiti, so Chris needs to scram. Okay, that's not exactly how she says it, she tells Chris that he's a great guy, but she wants to be with Roberto and she didn't want to drag things out with him any longer. Uh, you mean drag it out to the point of meeting his entire family and flying the poor guy out to Tahiti and then taking his virginity in the fantasy suite?
*Some of my fellow watchers nearly went into a catatonic state after this conversation, but I have to say, I actually really respect Ali for breaking it off with Chris L pre-rose ceremony. I'm also guessing that she had to fight the producers to be allowed to do this. You go girl! Nobody tells you how to break a heart.
*BUT, I will say, Chris L seemed totally blindsided and devastated. This was like watching a puppy get stepped on my Jessica Simpson stilettos. I have mixed feelings about this. A) I kind of feel like Chris L should have been more perceptive. Like, maybe he should have noticed that Ali recoils every time his virgin lips kiss her. B) If I were Ali, I would have given Chris L some more clues along the way that he wasn't the dude for me. I get that they're on camera and there are producers watching--- but I would have literally thrown on army fatigues, camouflaged by face, run through the beaches of Tahiti with night vision goggles, knocked on Chris L's door, and slipped him a note that would self destruct saying I wasn't gonna pick him.
*Chris L thanks Ali for dumping him and being such a great girl, then she cries while they say good bye. Um, I just want to point out that Ali basically did the exact same thing that Frank did to her.
*Then, something amazing happens. There's a giant rainbow in Tahiti. TEARS. For those of you that don't remember, Chris L's mom told him and his brothers to always look for her in rainbows and the day of her funeral there was a huge rainbow...and now there's another one on the day Ali dumped him. This is kind of crazy, so crazy that the cynic in me is convinced that ABC photoshopped this rainbow. So, I texted my cousin who works for the Tahiti Tourism Board: Is this rainbow in Tahiti real? She responded: Everything is real. That is the beauty of Tahiti. Shit. I gotta check this place out.
*So, since I have friends in high places, I get the above picture via text from my other cousin who's good friends with Ali's good friends...I pass it around to my ladies and we all scream our heads off.
*The jeweler shows up and gives Roberto his pick of rings. Do we think Ali got to approve these first? Who else thinks the jeweler should get his own spin off show?
*Now for some lame shots of Ali getting ready and holding her dress up to herself in the mirror. Does anyone actually do this in real life? Ali puts on yet another prom dress and arrives at the rose ceremony....only this time, there will only be one guy there.
*Roberto arrives on a boat and then has to climb about a thousand stairs to get to Ali so that the poor guy can sweat some more. They have some generic conversation about how cute they both are and Roberto asks Ali to marry him and she accepts! The End.
*We are all reeling from this. We're savvy entertainment peeps that live in LA. One of us even works for ABC. How were we duped into thinking Ali doesn't pick anyone? Was that the PR scheme all along?
*Once I'm over the initial shock, I'm happy for Ali and Roberto. He was my fave for most of the show and he even got the first impression rose. I cannot wait to see their televised wedding and hopefully soon there will be some blond haired little babies with butt chins running around.
*After the Rose...I'll keep this short and sweet. This after the rose ceremony totally blew! I cannot believe that Frank pussied out and didn't show up! How did the network allow this? Why aren't these guys contractually obligated to appear? One of the girls pointed out he must have not been able to find anyone to cover his shift at Abercrombie & Fitch (where he apparently met the infamous Nicole).
*Chris L is as shy, nervous, and cute as ever. Ali lays it on really thick and things are just plain awkward.
*Chris Harrison makes the same dumb expression over and over again. My bff's husband says he has the best fake interested face of all time. So true!
*Ali and Roberto are reunited. They actually seem genuinely into each other. I'm hoping all sharp objects back stage are being kept away from Chris L at this point or that somewhere in Burbank there's a freaking rainbow.
*Then, here comes the BEST part! Ali and Roberto get to go on another helicopter ride to Catalina Island (which, side note, is not a far drive). This can only mean one thing. Chris Harrison reads this blog and knows I'm a sucker for those damn helicopters. I can die happy now.
Sigh. This is it readers. No more Bachelorette updates. And we all get two hours of our lives back (until next Monday when Bachelor Pad starts, woo-hoo!!!)
Ali + Roberto = eternal love
OMG, wait...I almost forgot to write about the lame montage set to Can You Feel the Love Tonight....that was AMAZING. I highly recommend clicking below and reading this recap all over again.