Wednesday, August 4, 2010

the birthday noodle & the BLOW OFF

the best thing about having a blog about break ups is that when you go to a wine tasting, cute French men pour their hearts out about their tragic blow off stories. Fine. That's only happened once. And he wasn't pouring his heart out per se, but French guy did share a very funny blow off story when he learned about this blog. I did have a couple glasses of wine in me when I heard it, but here goes, hopefully none of the embarrassing details will get lost in translation:

French guy met this really great woman in LA who happened to work on a very successful television show (hint: it's a critically acclaimed period drama). They'd had three or four really good dates and she invited him to her birthday party.

The day of the party, he was a little stressed. What do you get a woman for her birthday when you haven't been dating her that long? He decided on a bottle of wine and some flowers. Bday present: done and done. But after running around all day getting ready for the party, French guy didn't have the chance to eat anything. Uh-oh.

Booze and an empty stomach are never a good combo, but French guy wasn't worried. He figured the party would go until at least 6am which would give him plenty of time to sober up or make himself throw up between cocktails if necessary. It didn't occur to him that in lame ass America chances were, the party would probably end a lot earlier.

When he arrived at the party, he was a total hit. He was talking to the birthday girl's VIP colleagues and could tell that they'd heard about him before (definitely a good sign when you've just started dating someone.) After that, it all went downhill. One of the party guests put a tray of brownies out with a sign that said "pot brownies." French guy thought the sign was a joke (note to french guys: we're not that funny in America) and he was starving, so he started downing brownies.

As the party progressed, French guy was shit faced. The kind of shit-faced where all you can think about is how shit-faced you are when other party guests try to converse with you. Then, surprise-surprise, the party wound down way before 6am. French guy and Birthday Girl were the only people left at the party and she was ready for some hot birthday sex.

But pot brownies + booze + not eating = mechanical failure. French guy couldn't perform and birthday girl was not happy about it. To say that things were awkward would be an understatement. After hearing the story, his friends coined the nickname "the birthday noodle." He and the bday girl did go out another date where he apologized about the "incident" and she responded by saying the whole experience reminded her of her ex-husband. ouch. Suffice it to say, that's where things ended.

The moral of this story is, make sure to never attend the party of someone you've just started dating on an empty stomach. Yes, it happens to everyone, but the later it happens in a relationship...the better.

1 comment:

  1. oh this makes me so sad! do you really stop dating a dude cause of a mechanical failure? i find that a bit excessive, it happens to all dudes!

    my really good friend stuck with a dude who couldn't get it up for months! it was really weird, like he was super nervous and could never feel comfortable. eventually it got better, and they stayed together for years.