Thursday, September 2, 2010

the bachelor pad & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

Worst boob job EVER.

Okay, does anyone actually watch this show or are me and my friends the only ones?! Cause I'm starting to feel a little ashamed that I'm tuning in. I mean, we all have a hard time blowing off reality TV. There's the high brow shows like Top Chef and the Amazing Race, then there's the guilty pleasures like the Real Housewives and Dancing with the Stars, and then there's that really dirty Herpes inducing reality TV...and sadly, that's the category the Bachelor Pad falls under. Here's the recap below:

*This episode starts with a meeting of the minds between Dave & Wes. These two geniuses argue about who's a bigger jerk and why David voted off Gia. The tension is thick. It literally feels like if either of these guys thinks strategy for one more minute, their brains will explode from the pain.

*At this point, all of our money is on Gwen. She's totally gonna win the $250 K, because no one even remembers the fact that she's in the house.

*Now, for the best game in Bachelor pad history (which doesn't mean much, because there have only been 4 episodes). The whole house has to fill out these really bitchy surveys with questions like "who's the dumbest" and my personal favorite "who has the worst boob job." We're totally playing this in the book club I'm in.

*Big surprise: Tenley cries from the stress of filling out the survey. One of my viewing buddies (VGL) said it best: it's as though she forgot she was on the show. OMG, there's a competition happening? i thought we were all just having a pool party.

*Ewwww, why are we forced to watch this scene of gross Wes soaking in the hot tub with nothing but boxer briefs on?! Did the guy seriously forget to bring his bathing suit? I mean, he's lived in this house before. He knows all anyone ever does is just lay out by the pool. I bet he's totally trying to get discovered as a Calvin Klein model. So sad.

*The most overused term in this house after "i'm not here to make friends" is "we need to break up the couples." People have been saying that from day one and guess what? No one has broken up any couples! Why are these people so bad at carrying out strategy? God, I hope they all get jobs working on Sarah Palin's presidential campaign in 2012.

*So, then--- Melissa Rycroft and Chris Harrison come out to explain how the survey is going to play into the next competition. The questions will be posed to the group and they'll have to guess what answer was given by the majority. Oh yes. It's on like Donkey Kong.

*Kiptyn gets voted most likely to win--- which means that if these people had a brain they would vote him off.

*Krisily gets voted biggest enemy. Typical. The only girl we actually like on this show is the only one everyone in the house hates. In other words, she should have been voted least douche-baggy.

*Elizabeth gets voted the most shallow and she responds with "I dont even know what shallow really means." Seriously? You couldn't make this shit up!

*Then, immediately after Elizabeth makes her asinine comment, Gwen gets voted the dumbest. Oh no, poor Gwen! I thought she would for sure get voted the oldest or the most pathetic for being on this show ten years after her season of the Bachelor, but I didn't realize she was dumb too. She's on the verge of tears, but she keeps it together.

*Hilarious. Natalie gets voted "always be a bridesmaid, never a bride". Even Dave--- the guy she's blowing--- puts her name down. Natalie is devastated. It turns out, her biggest goal in life is getting married and her biggest fear is never getting married. Well, sweetie, most guys don't want to take a girl home to mom who takes her top off on TV and has already fucked at least two guys in the house. OMG. That is so sexist of me. Natalie should get to have all the sex she wants and still marry a nice guy! No more double standards on the Bachelor Pad!!

*Wes gets voted the biggest jerk and he's completely shocked even though the day before everyone basically told him he was a jerk. These people have zero self awareness!!!

*Wait, hold up--- what's that weird cut on Jesse B's arm? Oh no. He's a cutter. He needs the pain so he can feel something, anything... to get his mind off the fact that he's got the IQ of a stuffed animal.

*Now, for the question we've all been waiting for...who has the worst boob job? Kovacs is tied with Jesse B for the win, but he's stuck in a bind. He knows that his quickest lay in the house (Elizabeth) has the worst boob job, but if he puts her down, there will be no more sex in the shower. But if he does say Elizabeth, he'll get the rose and give her the rose. Stupid Kovacs screws himself by saying Krisily has the worst boob job (No! I refuse to believe Krisily has fake boobs. She's not that kind of girl).

*After the game ends, the girls start crying hysterically. Natalie curls up in the corner of a shower, while Gwen consoles her. Gwen should tell her that even people with down syndrome get married and that there's hope for her too.

*Elizabeth cries in the closet and Kovacs comes to her rescue. We are all shocked that he apparently really does like her. What an idiot. The best part is that he keeps telling her she's not shallow, but we all know the real reason she's crying is not b/c she was voted most shallow, but because of her terrible boob job.

*It also kind of sucks that so many of the mean questions targeted the girls. Why not "who's the ugliest dude" (Wes) or "what guy would be the worst in bed?" (Kiptyn)

*Tenley, who won the rose on the girls side, picks Kiptyn to go on her date. We learn that instead of picking three guys for the date, this is a one on one date...Tenley is oh so excited to finally take "that next step" with Kiptyn. (the third most overused term on this show.)

*Yay, yay, yay! Finally, a helicopter ride! Now, this show is finally getting somewhere. Tenley and Kiptyn get an awesome date in Catalina Island where they get to zip line together. And just when I thought no other girl "woo-hoo'd" as much as Ali Fedotowsly, I meet Tenley....

*Here's an idea: someone should make a buddy film with Ali and Tenley that ends with them driving off a cliff.

*Why does Tenley's make up look like it's the year 1975. Hot pink lipstick? That's reason enough for Kiptyn not to accept an invitation to the fantasy suite... but that's not what happens.

*And then, something terrible happens. Tenley admits she hasn't been with a man since Jake Pavelka broke her heart....which confirms that she had sex with Jake Pavelka!!!! Gross. Sick. Wrong. NO!

*Jesse B decides he's going to take Peyton on his date. These two just might be my favorite couple in the house. They seem to be the least offensive.

*Kovacs makes this huge declaration to Elizabeth in the hot tub about how he really cares about her and wants to be with her after the show is over and that he'll buy her a better boob job. They make out in the hot tub, while we groan over how dumb this guy is. People on this show are actually picking love over money. What gives?

*Peyton and Jesse's date starts with the crazy scary plane ride. But they're cute and into it. Back at the house, everyone debates whether Peyton and Jesse B will hook up on their date. Someone asks "define hook up" and Dave answers "sex". Duh! But does this mean Peyton and Jesse didn't hook up last time they spent the night in the fantasy suite together? How is that possible? Someone on this show isn't a total skank? I'm confused.

*Peyton and Jesse have a deep conversation about their fave foods. Jesse says steak and potatoes. Just when I think he might not be refined enough for Peyton, she says her favorite food is corn dogs and funnel cake. These two are perfect for each other!

*But then Peyton makes Jesse a martini (which he's never had) and everything falls apart. He burps, makes some joke about how her eyes are the only reason he picked her on the date, and he picks her nose (he really just touches it.) Peyton says that all the romance was gone once they started treating each other like siblings. Jesse invites her to the fantasy suite, but she totally denies him!!! I'm the only one that seems to be shocked by this. I guess I have low standards, the burp would not be a deal breaker for me. But seriously, Peyton needs to be less uptight.

*Krisily tries to form an alliance with Dave, then embarrasses herself and me by telling him that she can't stop thinking about their kiss during the kissing contest. It's so obvious he's playing her. I hate him.

*Peyton and Jesse come back from their date and everyone greets them like they've been gone for three years instead of three hours.

*I won't even bother to get into the weirdness that ensued once the cast of DWTS was announced. All I will say is Jennifer Grey, weird nose job aside, looks damn good for 50.

*Okay, this is the 20 minutes of the program I won't bother recapping. It's just everyone having the same conversation over and over again about who they should vote off the show. This is just further proof that this show should only be one hour long.

*In a shocking turn of events at the rose ceremony, Melissa Rycroft is wearing the butt ugliest outfit. It's like a giant sparkly potato sack. Why did they put this on her??

*Krisily and Wes get voted off. Krisily is pissed, because Dave totally stabbed her in the back. He promised he'd vote for Gwen if she voted for Wes. If only Krisily had some brains and screwed Dave over instead! She gives a kick ass speech about how everyone is too chicken shit to split up the couples and that she'll be happy for anyone who wins the game that's not Tenley, Kiptyn, Elizabeth, or Kovacs. Dave makes some comment about Krisily showing her true colors with her little speech, but this is the most normal and cool anyone has seemed on this show.

RIP Krisily. We're sorry you got blown off. You'll be missed.

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