Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Screw You Bachelor Pad (or why I'm BLOWING OFF the Bachelor Pad)

Poor Jesse B!

Maybe it was because I had a terrible cold and was watching The Bachelor Pad from my couch with my 21 year old brother and his best friend instead of with my friends in Los Feliz, but this show seriously PISSED me OFF this week.

I know what you're thinking. That's what you get Saaara for watching awful reality TV. It's not enough to feel guilty about it, but we also want you to feel frustrated, annoyed, duped, and ashamed.

Okay, you're right! I feel all those things! I give up. I'm quitting The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and The Bachelor Pad. That's right. You heard it here first. (PS reunion shows don't count!)

The most pathetic part of my decision is that it comes a mere week before the Bachelor Pad is over. After I'd already lost ten hours of my life to it. Here's why this show pissed me off so much this week:

First off, the episode starts with 7 girls and 4 boys left in the house. Chris Harrison shows up to tell the ladies they need to even the playing field with another game. My first thought was: yay! cutthroat competition. Bitches are gonna throw down!! But no. That's not what happened.

The game consisted of the guys standing in a circle, while Melissa Rycroft spun a bottle for basically no reason. Whichever guy the bottle pointed at had to pick one girl to be his partner, and thus, be safe from elimination. Duh! The guys are all hooking up. Of course they are going to pick the girls they've been banging! So, after ten minutes of ridiculously false suspense...Gwen, Ashley, and Nikki are given the boot, proving once again that being a single woman is a punishable offense.

The couples were as follows:

Natalie & David (i.e. queen slut and king douche)
Elizabeth & Kovacs (i.e. Oompa loompa with the worst fake boobs & Kovacs)
Tenley & Kiptyn (i.e. two annoyingly nice people with weird names)
Peyton & Jesse B (i.e. the most normal and non-offensive people on the show).

The couples have to compete in a water balloon toss where Melissa Rycroft's job gets a little tougher. Instead of spinning a bottle, she has to tell the guys to take a step back after each successful toss.

Natalie & David win the toss and are safe from elimination. Peyton and Jesse B are both upset, because they know everyone else on the shows is besties and they are def gonna get the boot.

Peyton is in tears, because she blames herself and Jesse B couldn't be nicer to her--- which just proves that he deserves another chance despite accidentally burping in her face last week.

I'll save you the rest of the nauseating details (Kovacs & Oompa loompa humping all over a Lamborghini, then spreading STDS all over the fantasy suite, Natalie learning more about David's white trash past, Kiptyn slicing disgusting amounts of raw chicken, my brother and his buddy calling Dave the biggest douche for wearing a white V neck and a backwards white baseball cap, Natalie turning a darker shade of orange over night) and get to what really messed with my emotions.

First of all, I was already bummed out that the "insiders" and "couples" succeeded in making it to the final round of this game. You don't understand...this is like watching Heathers, but the popular kids are murdering the nerds and misfits instead of the other way around. ABC needs to take a page from every good 80s movie. The underdogs always come out on top!

But I was also upset that the only couple I could handle was on the chopping block. And this is where ABC really fucked with me. Natalie and Tenley basically couldn't shut up about the fact that Kovacs and Elizabeth are their toughest competition and even though they are friends with them, they need to go with strategy not loyalty at this point in the game. They both set off to convince their BFs to vote off Kovacs & Orange Julius.

BUT...Dave has a serious hard on for his pal Kovacs and he doesn't want to get rid of him. I mean, you should seriously see how this guy looks at Kovaks. He'd pull a Buffalo Bill, murder Elizabeth, dress himself up in her skin if it meant he could bone Kovacs!

THEN...Chris Harrison breaks the news that they will still be voting as individuals, which means Natalie and Tenley are actually free to make their own decision. They even have this little "i am woman, hear me roar" scene where they decide to keep Peyton and Jesse B around and go with their own little "woman code." At this point, it should be in the bag. Jesse B and Peyton are staying, Perma Sunburn and Kovacs are goners.

The rose ceremony rolls around and my brother and his buddy are convinced that Jesse B and Peyton are safe...but I tell them this is The Bachelor Pad and every week the person I want to stay on the show gets booted off. And sure enough, after 45 minutes of the producers orchestrating fake conversations and fake suspense and fake conflict...Jesse B and Peyton don't get a rose!

Jesse B calls everyone fake and they're both whisked away on limos.

The moral of this story is that terrible, trashy, orange people get rich and nice normal people who are still dumb enough to go on a bad reality show get screwed. But you know who gets fucked in the ass? We do. For watching this shit.

And that is why I will NEVER EVER watch any show with the word Bachelor in its title again. (Starting after I watch the reunion show for The Bachelor Pad. Sorry, but I need to see Krisily kick everyone's ass.)

PS this is all Gia's fault!

1 comment:

  1. I feel like my presence/commentary opened your eyes to the absolute reality scum that is The Bachelor Pad.