Wednesday, October 13, 2010

the annoying couple BLOW OFF

Let’s all be honest. Couples are annoying. I used to think they were only irritating during those single lonely patches, but no…I pretty much find them offensive at all times. I’ve been one part of a couple for almost five years and I’ll be the first to admit we are multiple offenders on the annoying couple front. But it’s not a lost cause. All of us will be in relationships at one time or another and it’s our civic duty to be less obnoxious. Here are a few tips to steer clear of the annoying couple label.

1. The dreaded PDA. We all know you’re dating, you don’t need to dry hump each other every time you’re in a room. Yes, the occasional public display of affection (i.e. holding hands/stolen kisses) is totally acceptable if not endearing, but a full on make out session in a room full of friends just makes everyone uncomfortable. Plus, every time a couple makes out in public a single person commits suicide. So, think about that the next time you bump uglies. Save a life: get a room.

2. The dreaded Facebook PDA. Explain something to me. You can tell your sig-other how great they are in person, on the phone, over email, over text message, in a Facebook message, via telegram, letter, tattoo. So, why do you do it on their Facebook wall so the rest of us can read it? You’re just flaunting your love on purpose. So, here’s what I propose. If you must write on each other’s Facebook wall, why not write it in code and spare the rest of us? Example: You were farting in your sleep last night = I love you. Xoxo.

3. The dreaded public display of affliction. The only thing worse than a couple that makes out in public is one that fights in public. Before you call me out on my shit loyal readers, I’ve had a few dramatic public squabbles with the BF and I still cringe when I think about them. It’s bound to happen, especially when booze and prostitutes are involved. Okay, I’m kidding about the booze part. I know it’s hard, but try to save the passive aggressive remarks for behind closed doors. The only silver lining regarding the annoying couple that fights all the time is that it gives single people one more reason to celebrate.

4. The We couple. I had a freak out awhile ago about using the word “we” too often and my mom whipped me into shape, but I still think couples that lack any independence from each other are annoying. Don’t bring your boyfriend to girl’s night out. And don’t text him all night either (guilty, guilty, guilty.) We all know being in a relationship usually means seeing your friends less, but there should be a law that if you abandon them completely and then come crawling back when you’re single, they get to beat the shit out of you.

5. The on again off again couple. There’s nothing worse than spending hours and days comforting someone over a break up only to have them turn around and get back together with their ex. Um, my time is valuable. There should be a rule that you can only expect sympathy from friends and families during the first two break ups with the same person. Once you’ve reached the third break up? That’s when you find a therapist.

6. The lightning speed couple. Hold up, you’ve been dating your boyfriend for two weeks and you’ve already said I love you? Three months and you’re already moving in together? Six months and you’re engaged? Hahahahaha. Call me in three years and we’ll talk.

Who wants to add a number seven to the list? Comment below. Annoying couples, confess your sins!


  1. For me it's what I call the "unfriendly" couple: Two people who are perfectly nice and friendly on their own, but when they're together, become incapable of communicating with other humans. They never invite anyone on their outings and usually hide in a bedroom when they're home if they're not hogging the couch/tv in a way that says "don't bother trying to hang out."

    Some people call this the "honeymoon" phase but I will only allow the honeymoon phase to go on for a month...MAYBE 6 weeks if I deem the couple cute.

  2. Ugh Yes! those couples are the worst. The honeymoon phase can SUCK IT. We should write a book entitled "How not to be annoying when you're in a relationship."

  3. Oh man, it would be a bestseller and I bet I know a company who would buy the film rights...