Wednesday, October 27, 2010

the dear john BLOW OFF

So, I can't sing to save my life, but if I could and I was a pop star, I would totally write super honest songs about guys that blew me off....just like Taylor Swift.

I'd also like to to think that if I was Taylor Swift, I would never fall for a douche bag like John Mayer. I mean, seriously--- if Taylor read the BLOW OFF, she would totally avoid that guy like the plague. But we'll give her a little bit of credit. After all, she's only twenty and how many losers did we all date when we were that young? But John Mayer, really?? The guy that went to the Oscars with Jennifer Aniston, then broke up with her, because she didn't tweet? The guy who gave Jessica Simpson the run around and then called her sexual napalm in Playboy Magazine? The guy who looks like a frog when he plays guitar? The guys whose songs are severely boring? Come on Taylor, you're better than that!

Anyway, I love the lyrics to Dear John. The song totally reminds me of poems I wrote in high school about guys who didn't like me back. Case in point:

Dear john I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home

But seriously, WTF is John Mayer's excuse here? The guy went from sexual napalm to totally taking advantage of a nineteen year old, who probably dumped Taylor Lautner for him (See Back to December lyrics). He's slime. Us females need to band together and boycott his terrible music.

That said, news that Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are dating makes me a little sick to my stomach. Clearly, his manhood was so damaged since Reese Witherspoon (an older woman) dumped him and shacked up with Jim Toth, that he needs a much younger woman to comfort him and make him feel like a man again. Careful Jake, you're one false move away from getting exiled to Douche Bag Island.

PS does psychoanalyzing celebrity relationships count as a skill?

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