Monday, October 18, 2010

the just kidding BLOW OFF

A hilarious BLOW OFF story from Lisa Green, one of our loyal readers. We should all write letters to douche bags that have blown us off:

I met a man in Paris. He lives in London. I live in New York. Seconds after meeting him I asked how long he had lived in London. “Two weeks. Just Kidding. Six months. Just Kidding. Seven years.”

A few weeks after returning from Paris, Just Kidding invited me to London. I accepted his invitation. We had a good time, maybe even a great time. He called shortly thereafter and said he wanted to visit me in New York. I never heard from him again. In the name of moving on, I have written him a letter explaining all the things that are wrong with him.

Dear Just Kidding,

Your jokes suck...no really they just aren't funny. And I'm not kidding.

You also sweat a lot.

You have small patches of long thick brown hairs on your back and while a hairy chest is sexy...that's not.

You have a lisp. Enough saidth.

You're a crappy friend for telling me your bestie uses dildos on girls (or rather that he puts the same used one back in the package and reuses it on girls).

There seems to be a big bald spot growing on the back of your head. You may want to look into getting a toupee.

You claim stories are "crazy" then proceed to tell the longest most boring tale anyone outside of the 3rd grade has ever heard.

You don't understand the difference between a miscarriage and a still birth and English is your first language.

You don't hold your knife and fork properly.

You have terrible posture.

You eat pizza like an animal.

You say stupid, obvious things like "exercise is good for you."

You think it’s appropriate to watch television while entertaining friends.

You once mispronounced seminal as semenal...again English is your first language.

You close your eyes during sex. If it’s too overwhelming to open your eyes, maybe you're not ready to actually have sex.

You snore....really loudly.

Sometimes your breath smells.

You claim you really want a wine rack but that they're too pretentious. I think talking about wine racks is pretentious.

You called me from Bermuda and shared stories about getting sunburned and your dislike of dark and stormy drinks even though you like both rum and ginger beer individually - just not together.

You have pictures of Paris metro signs and the Eiffel Tower in your kitchen. I don't care that you rented the place furnished, unless you're a girl decorating her dorm room, there is no excuse for having these on your walls.

You asked me what the most dangerous city I've been to is, leading me to believe that your answer would be something interesting along the lines of Kabul, Baghdad, or Bogotá - Washington D.C. kind of felt like a letdown.

You told me you wouldn't be surprised if your Dad has hit your Mom, yet, you seemed offended when I referred to him as volatile. Perhaps you see domestic violence in a more romantic light than I do.

You asked if Hollywood was really like Entourage...and you were serious.

All the best,

The girl you didn’t call

3 comments:

  1. Oh that is just too good!

    I especially loved the bit about the crazy story. Oh I have had a few of those in my time.

    You want a laugh, head over here : http://gaynoralder.com/2010/10/18/dairy-of-an-online-dater/ to read Gayor's funny tale of internet dating.

    Gosh that made me laugh too!

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