Wednesday, November 3, 2010

the anti BLOW OFF: We heart Matt Damon

Celebrity cheating scandals are a dime a dozen. That's why we're not at all surprised by the most recent issue of Us Weekly with a "cheating" Justin Timberlake on the cover. Our faith in love would not be shaken if he and Jessica Biel called it quits...but there is one guy who could destroy all that's true and good in the world if he was exposed as an adulterous. That guy is Matt Damon.

Because Matt Damon is the perfect man. I know what you're thinking--- come on, Sara. That's ridiculous. You don't really know Matt Damon. He could be a total dick behind closed doors. Um, what are you smoking, reader? MATT DAMON IS THE PERFECT MAN. And that is a fact.

Here's why:
1. He's smart. He got into Harvard. He wrote an Academy Award winning screenplay.

2. He fell in love and married a "normal" woman who was also a single mom. And he's since had three more baby girls with her. He's a family man! Sure, he dumped a Driver for a Ryder and announced it on Oprah, but that was the 90s. He was young and newly famous then.

3. He's still hot. So, he's gotten a little bit older. He's got some gray hair and I have a sneaking suspicion the picture on the Hereafter posters was from ten years ago, but whatevs. He's 40 and he looks good!

4. He's funny. Have you heard his amazing Matthew McCounaghey impression? Have you seen him on 30 Rock? Does that little video with Sarah Silverman ring a bell?

5. Four words: Will Hunting. Jason Bourne.

6. He genuinely seems happy being a husband and father...Ben Affleck, not so much? You know he's secretly thinking of Blake Lively every time he has boring married sex with Jennifer Garner.

7. He's super charitable. I can't really remember what his causes are right now, but it doesn't matter. He has them.

8. He's from Boston. Guys from Boston are hot.

9. He's still besties with Ben Affleck. Guys that have meaningful and long lasting bromances are totes loyal!

10. He's a Democrat! and in the know when it comes to politics. Remember when he was one of the first celebrities to talk about how dumb Sarah Palin was? He said if she ever became president it would be like a bad Disney movie.

So, Matt Damon. We'd like to make a little plea. Continue to make good movies, devote your time to important charities, talk shit about Republicans, and hang out with Ben Affleck. And please, don't ever cheat on Luciana with some bimbo actress or get a divorce...because those of us at the BLOW OFF would never ever ever ever recover.

No comments:

Post a Comment