Thursday, November 4, 2010

the BLOW OFF registry

I was in a tiny town in Tuscany and saw this in a store window and had to share it with my peeps. Isn't it the perfect gift to give to someone who's been BLOWN OFF? They can cut their vegetables with it and go Fatal Attraction on someone's ass! And as I was taking this picture, it dawned on me: BLOW OFF registries actually make a lot more sense than wedding registries. (actually, I came up with that merely for the purposes of this post, but pretending like it occurred to me right in the moment made for a better segue.)

Anyway.

Think about it. Gifts cheer people up. Assuming that you love your husband or wife, your post wedding annoyingly blissful selves don't really need gifts. But if you're going through a divorce (and losing half your stuff...) some presents could really come in handy. So, I propose we start asking our friends and family to shower us with gifts (or donate to our favorite charities if you're obnoxiously selfless) when we're dealing with a break up.

If you can't fly to Tuscany to buy the above, here are five perfect BLOW OFF gifts for that friend in need:

1. Wine of the month club. Preferably wine bottles that also double as vibrators. Holy shit. That's genius. Don't even think about it, that shit is being patented as we speak.

2. A baby. Seriously, nothing gets you over a relationship faster than a defenseless little child that has no choice but to love you.

3. Sex and the City: the box set. You're sad about your break up? Don't worry! Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha have all been there. And you are way prettier than all of them. (Note: this one's only for dudes. Trust me guys. This show will blow your minds.)

4. Yarn and knitting needles. Because newly single girls are SO good at making scarves.

5. Gift card for a vaginal rejuvenation procedure. Forget about washing that guy right out of your hair. I say wash him out of your girl parts instead. Brand new vagina, brand new you.

You're welcome.

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