Monday, November 29, 2010

glossary of a BLOW OFF: buyer's remorse

Buyer's Remorse
function: noun
Origin: since black Mon-Sun
Definition:that feeling of regret, fear, anxiety, and depression you get after you've taken a relationship further than intended.

(I thought Jane and I were keeping it casual, but suddenly we stopped using condoms and she told me she loved me. Meanwhile, I've realized I find her physically repulsive. Man, buyer's remorse is a total drag.)

We've all been there. We're lonely, we're horny, we need a little retail therapy and you're on sale for half off. We force a relationship when deep down we know we're not that into you. We sleep with you enough times to convince ourselves that maybe you've got potential. After weeks of pillow talk, we actually start believing we might fall for you. And then, one morning, six or so months down the do something that snaps us out of our fake reverie. Like... let out a smelly burp or wear a really bad outfit or stink up our bathroom or admit you like John Mayer or lay in a weird pose naked with the lights on or drip sweat right into our unclogged pores during sex.

What the fuck were we thinking by dating you for so long?! You were supposed to be a one night stand. Why did we introduce you to our parents? And why didn't you come with a better return/exchange policy? Is it too late to re-gift you or should we just cut our losses and donate you to the salvation army?

Buyer's remorse. It's the motherfucking pits.

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