Thursday, November 18, 2010

the top ten ways to get BLOWN OFF

Hi Readers. So, before you cry to your family, friends, facebook community, priest, and neighborhood bum about getting BLOWN OFF, take a look at this little list we've compiled of what we think are the top ten worst ways to get blown off.

10. Getting dumped after you've quit your job, packed your bags, and moved to a new city to be with the person you thought was "the one." We're not done yet, that city is Stockton, CA. But look on the bright side, it's only the #2 most miserable city to live in.

9. You find out your sig other cheated when they give you a wicked STD. Something that never goes away like Herpes or HIV.

8. It's not you, it's him and the fact that he wants to have his penis surgically removed so he can replace it with a vagina.

7. It's not you, it's him and the fact that he wants to stick his penis inside another man's mouth.

6. It's bad enough getting dumped, it's even worse getting your entire bank account emptied out, while watching your credit score plummet in the process. And then having to turn tricks to pay rent.

5. He fucked a series of strippers, waitresses, and porn stars. That's right, WAITRESSES. (note: this doesn't make the list if you got $100 million to make up for it. What was that? Money doesn't make the pain go away? Money doesn't make you trust again? Oh fuck yeah it does.)

4. He blew you off, then posted a picture of you spread eagle on Facebook and tagged your parents. Wait, it gets worse. You hadn't gotten a bikini wax in weeks.

3. You were married for years and he seemed like a perfectly nice guy, but it turns out he kept your oldest daughter chained to a wall in the attic and had like five babies with her. And all this time you thought she ran away from home.

2. Two words: murder-suicide.

1. He blew you off, then moved on with...Angelina Jolie and had like fifteen kids with her.

2 comments:

  1. I can feel the first one. I went through that one... Sucked.

    The others? Kind of childish rants resembling something usually found in the likes of Cosmo, et al...

    ReplyDelete