Thursday, December 30, 2010

the BLOW OFF's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

It's almost 2011. WTF. That's like eleven years since Y2K. And now we're just one year away from the end of the world. If the Mayans are right and humans are done for in 2012, then we better make this year the best yet.

So, the BLOW OFF has made a list of top ten New Year's Eve resolutions for those of you that are single and for those of you that are in a relationship. For those of you whose relationship status = it's complicated...go fuck yourself. That's the dumbest relationship status I've ever heard. Your one New Year's resolution is to get a grip.

Here's hoping 2011 is gonna be heaven, y'all!

10. If you're in a relationship, stop expecting your significant other to be perfect. They're not, they never will be. I know this is a hard one for those of us who are perfect to accept, but the time has come. In 2011, stop focusing on their flaws and start focusing on their positive attributes. For starters, they put up with your bull shit, that's saying a lot.

9. If you're single, stop dwelling on the last person that hurt you. That person may as well be dead and it's time to throw them a little funeral in your head. And not one where you throw your body down on the casket and wail like a rabid dog.

8. If you're in a relationship, stop acting like you're Confucious when it comes to everyone else's relationship problems. You don't know the meaning of life just because you have a boyfriend, so shut the fuck up. (Note: this does not apply to the person that writes this blog. She's really a descendant of Confucious.)

7. If you're single, stop declaring to everyone and anyone that you LOVE being single and you're just not ready for a relationship. You're lying. And we all know it. On the flip side--- if you're single, stop whining to everyone about it. It reeks of desperation. The trick is to pretend you're somewhere in between independent and co-dependent. Like...mid-dependent.

6. If you're in a relationship, learn to make conversation about things besides your significant other. And please, don't gush about how great they are and how in love you are and that you're crazy about each other in front of all your single friends. It's cruel. Plus, you're lying and we all know it.

5. If you're single, don't be afraid to masturbate. This one is for the ladies since I don't think there's a guy in the world that's afraid to masturbate. So girls, learn to get yourself off. PS If you're in a relationship, the same resolution applies. PPS I'm really embarrassed that my parents read this blog.

4. If you're in a relationship, learn to let things go. This used to be number one piece of advice I gave all my friends when I was single and they were struggling with their BFs. Who knew I would be so terrible at it myself? And it doesn't count as letting it go, if you bring it up seven months later during a fight that has nothing to do with the thing that happened seven months ago. That said, if it helps you prove a point that seriously needs proving...bring up whatever you want. Check mate, holla!

3. If you're single and you have a list of the things you want out of a significant other, rip it up! Those lists are stupid. You know when you go to a movie and you have ridiculously high expectations for it, because it's starring Ryan Gosling, and then you're all kind of bummed out when it's not that good and he didn't go full frontal? Well, that's what your list is doing to your dating life. Setting up expectations that will never be met. Trust me, the things you think you want in a person are not necessarily the things that really matter.

2. If you're in a relationship and you're unhappy and you've tried really hard to make things work...cut bait. Don't just be with someone for the sake of being with someone. You'll survive, we promise. Plus, you can totally have your break up story published on theblowoff.com!

1. If you're single, don't make out with people who aren't. Just because you're lonely and it's New Year's Eve, doesn't mean you're entitled. I can say this, because I've hooked up with a guy that had a girlfriend purely because I was in a serious dry spell and felt like it was my turn to have a little bit of happiness. And guess what? It amounted to nothing and I was still super lonely after. Okay, fine, that's a lie. It felt really good to finally get some action. But do as I say, not as I do.

Any good New Year's resolutions we're forgetting? Comment below to set us straight.

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