Thursday, December 16, 2010

Sarah Palin: BLOWN OFF to douche bag island

Dear Sarah Palin,

Bad news. You've just been deported. To Douche Bag island. It's true. We at the BLOW OFF think you're a big fucking joke. Here's just a few reasons why we can't stomach you and need to send you away to hang out with John Mayer and Spencer Pratt.

For starters, you recently opposed a school lunch bill that would help American kids eat better--- legislation that could help lower future health cares costs by decreasing childhood obesity. You claim that it's the parents job to worry about what their kids eat, not the schools or the government. Hmmm. Right...cause if we all went by your parenting handbook we'd raise kids that use the word "faggot" and get pregnant before they're old enough to have their driver's license. Even Elisabeth Hasselbeck was mad at you. That's how dumb you are!

Speaking of childhood obesity, what are you feeding your kids? Bristol Palin was the only contestant in the history of Dancing with the Stars that looked chubbier by the end. I'm just sayin'...

Speaking of Dancing with the Stars, that totally reminds me--- you just joined a club whose members are the bottom feeders of the world: reality TV stars. And in an upcoming episode you go camping with Kate Gosselin. I'm trying to rack my brain, but nothing about that sounds presidential.

Speaking of 2009, you quit in the middle of your term as governor so that you could make more money and spend more time in the public eye. And spend less time in Alaska, the state you claim to love so much. There's a name for people like that. Fame. Whores. Seriously, imagine if Barack Obama was just like "peace out, folks. I'm resigning as President, because I want to allow the country to move to forward without distraction." What?

You make us root for people like Levi Johnston.

You consider Rush Limbaugh a satirist, but not Seth McFarland. Which means you have no idea what satire means. Which means you're retarded.

You know how in the movie Silence of the Lambs, Clarice tells Hannibal Lecter about the time she was an orphan living on her cousin's ranch and she witnessed the spring lambs getting slaughtered and how she still wakes up in the middle of the night hearing their screams? Well, that's how we feel about your voice. and your catch phrases.

But, let's stop being negative. Let's focus on the things we love about you, Sarah. You make other women look good (Tina Fey, Katie Couric, and Hilary Clinton to name a few). You've given us the perfect stupidity litmus test. Here's how it works. People who call themselves your supporters = stupid. You make me that much happier my name isn't pronounced like yours. And with any luck, if you somehow land the Republican Presidential nominee in 2012, we'll get to see Obama inaugurated as President a second time.

Have fun campaigning from douche bag island! Don't forget your sunscreen!

The Blow Off

1 comment:

  1. Not only didn't she finish her stint as the governator she just quit her popular TLC trainwreck after one season. This broad can barely finish a sentence.