Wednesday, December 15, 2010

the top ten reasons you deserved to get BLOWN OFF

Try none of the above.

You just got blown off, but guess what? You may have deserved it. Here's the top ten reasons it's definitely not them, it's you.

10. You're super into me, but you couldn't be less interested in my friends. As our loyal reader Harper Alexander said (RE: how to not lose a guy), "please try to get to know and enjoy my friends." Truer words have never been spoken. Sure, they may not be people you'd ever hang out with normally, but they mean something to us. So, suck it up. Laugh at their jokes. Shower them with compliments. Smile at them and talk to them. Don't just sit there with a blank look on your face and a not so subtle glance at your watch.

9. Your idea of a date is meeting up at 2am for a little somethin' somethin'. Booty calls can only last for so long and are only okay when we're only semi into you and desperate for sex. But none of us want to hook up with someone we're really hot for when they make us feel like they'd be embarrassed to be seen with us in public. The sad thing is, you'll probably blow us off before we muster the self respect to do the honor ourselves.

8. Your little somethin' somethin' is more like a lot of nothin' nothin'. If having sex with you inspires the Weekend at Bernie's, porn edition--- then chances are, our orgasm deprived selves will need to take our business elsewhere. And by business I mean our vaginas and penises.

7. Your favorite thing to talk about is yourself. I know your parents names and what they do for a living, I know your food allergies, your hopes and dreams, your DVR recording schedule, your weight, height, hair color, most traumatic childhood memory, not to mention....your affection for Golden Retrievers, the name of all your ex-girlfriends, where you went to college, what you majored in, and that time you dropped acid and something crazy happened. But somehow you can barely remember my last name. Here's how we can play this. Either you shut the fuck up, ask me some questions about myself, listen, and commit my answers to memory OR you leave me alone and do what all self absorbed people do: start a blog.

6. We've only been dating for a couple of weeks and I'm already your whole world. You've all but abandoned your friends. You've already taken over a drawer in my apartment. You've talked to my parents on the phone. You've "blurted" I love you. And you've started talking about "us" in the future tense. In other words, you're clearly desperate and bat shit crazy and I need to blow you off. Stat.

5. You played the ultimatum card. I get it, we've been dating for awhile. But, if you present me with the options of marriage VS a break up, you're gonna be out on your ass.

4. You couldn't decide whether to shit or get off the pot. Here's the flip side of #5. If we've been dating for three years and we're at the acceptable marrying age (28 and up) and you still can't decide if I'm the person you want to make a life with (and have never hinted towards mawwaige), then instead of resorting to a pathetic ultimatum--- I'll just dump you and marry my rebound.

3. You don't eat oysters and/or you're anti-TV. Okay, so it sounds snobby to not date a person who hates oysters, but let's dig a little deeper than that. People who are super finicky eaters SUCK. Oysters are fucking delicious and so are all those other awesome foods you're too much of a pussy to try. No one wants to sit across from a dinner table with someone who suddenly reverts into a five year old while they're eating (here comes the train, choo-choo, open wide!)
AND people who wax on and off about how much they hate TV can kiss my whole asshole. Have you ever seen Mad Men? Friday Night Lights? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? There's some fucking brilliant shit on TV, stop being such a pretentious dumb butt and tune in.

2. Your middle name is "inconsistent." First you call and text every day for a week. Then you disappear for two days. Then you tell me you really like me. Then you say things are moving too fast. Then after sex, you say I'm the best you've ever had. Then you stop having sex with me for days. Then you show up at my birthday party. But you don't talk to me at the party. Then you show up at my doorstep with flowers. Then you tell me you just want to be friends. Then a week later, you say you miss me. Dude. You fucking suck.

1. You had a freak out prior to the three month mark. We haven't been dating for all that long. Things are going relatively well, but we're still getting to know each other. And then you have to go and ruin everything by starting a conversation with "where is this going..." before we've moved past the preliminary 90 day mark. It just took four little words and I'm suddenly way less attracted to you. And to think, if you'd waited a week or two, we could have really been something....


  1. Shit man, there are too many rules about dating. No wonder I'm single and can't bother.

  2. My ex ex tortured me with number 2 on your list. . . I think I got sucked into his bi-polar mess! I saw him recently at a Starbucks and practically twisted my ankle pivoting out of that place.

    And number 3. . . I've blow off a guy who said he didn't like seafood!

  3. Melissa, that's hilarious. Anonymous, if you can get three out of the ten right, you're probably in better shape than most people!

  4. oysters are gross. just sayin...