Wednesday, December 22, 2010

the top ten ways to BLOW someone OFF during the holidays.

Ryan Seacrest recently declared on the radio that it was too close to Christmas and New Year's to break up with the person you're dating. BLOW OFF season was on hiatus.

Well, I think Ryan Seacrest is trying to take all the fun out of the holiday season. Cause according to researchers, there are two times of years where break ups peak. During the holidays and in March. So, for now, here's the top ten ways to break up with someone asap.

10. Go to the mall to have your picture taken with Santa, while holding a sign that says "(insert name), I want to break up." Then post the picture to Facebook and tag your soon to be ex in the photo.

9. Get all your close friends together to go caroling. Knock on your soon to be exes door and sing "You're being dumped, pa rum pum pum pum" to the tune of Little Drummer Boy.

8. Invite your significant other to come home with you over the holidays. Make sure to stand in front of them in the security line. After you get through the metal detectors, tell a TSA agent that your soon to be ex is smuggling a bomb up their anus. They'll get carted off, while you board the plane solo and never call them again. (Note: This works best if your significant other is Middle Eastern.)

7. Take a shit in a box. Wrap the box. Put it under the Christmas tree. Give it to your soon to be ex. When they open it, chances are they'll save you the trouble and break up with you.

6. Write a special holiday edition BLOW OFF post about dumping your significant other right before New Year's Eve. Then announce to your soon to be ex that you suspect you are psychic, because you can apparently predict things before they happen. Send them the link and let our blog do all the work.

5. Suggest to your significant other that you sit down and make a list of New Year's resolutions together. Throw in "get out of my shitty ass relationship" somewhere between "exercise more" and "quit smoking." They'll barely know what hit them.

4. "Accidentally" end up under the mistletoe with your soon to be exes family member or close friend. Then seriously shove your tongue down their throat and grab some ass. Similar to #7, this is like the reverse psychology of break ups. You do something to get them to break up with you. Genius.

3. Take a drive through the snow and get "lost" in the middle of nowhere. Bravely bid them good bye and tell them you'll be back for them. Hail a cab home and conveniently forget to send help.

2. Send a holiday card to your significant others parents explaining how saddened you are by your break up, that you'll miss them, that you appreciate how welcoming they were as a family, etc etc. Their parents read the card and in a state of shock and confusion call their son or daughter to confirm the split. By the time they break the news to your soon to be ex, you're drinking egg nog at your company holiday party and trading STDs with that co-worker you've always been hot for.

1. Tie your soon to be ex to a chair and play Jessica Simpson's Christmas Album over and over again until they have a nervous breakdown and are forced to be checked into a mental ward. When your significant other is finally released, make them believe your entire relationship was a figment of their imagination and that you never even dated in the first place.

Seacrest. Out.

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