
Friday, April 30, 2010
the week in celebrity BLOW OFFS

Pivot, Pivot, Pivot
Thursday, April 29, 2010
the night Jimmy Fallon BLEW ME OFF

Wednesday, April 28, 2010
My First BLOW OFF

Tuesday, April 27, 2010
the arts BLOW OFF

Jake and I were becoming good friends but we both knew there was a good chance it would turn into at least a hook up. So one night I headed over to his place and we were hanging out when he brought up the subject of us possibly making out. BIG MISTAKE. Never ask dudes, always go for it. We can push you away if necessary.
Well, after about an hour of discussing I decided – what the hell. So we made out, fooled around, rounded some bases etc. - somewhat pleasurable, mostly awkward. Anyway, the next morning he asked when he could see me again. I was happy he wanted more, but I told him the truth which was that I was in tech for a play and would be really busy for the next week. I thought he got it. And he came to the play which was very nice.
But, when the play ended, and I actually had time to see him, he didn’t seem so enthused anymore. I left him a message saying I was free and would love to get together. But when he called me back, he left a message saying “uh I’m really busy, sorry.” Sure you were busy. I think you were actually offended and took the immature route. Needless to say the hook up is over and so is the friendship. So much for supporting the arts!
For this story
Read: The Heidi Chronicles (a play) by Wendy Wasserstein
Listen to: “Give a Little Love” The Bay City Rollers
Monday, April 26, 2010
Glossary of a BLOW OFF: Blowtini

Part of speech: Noun
Definition: A wild, implausible excuse for blowing someone off that implies a lack of fault due to intoxication.
Example: “Nope, he never called last night. Somebody must have slipped him a Blowtini.”
Origins: My favorite alkie, once explained a weekend long absence from plans we made together with this bold faced lie: “I was gonna call you but somebody must have slipped some blow in my drink. The last thing I remember is passing out on the party bus.” My friends and I made the following assertions that led to the creating of the term Blowtini. First of all, cocaine’s a stimulant. I don’t know anybody who snorts a line before bed. Its not a cousin of Rohypnol or anything. Second, coke is expensive. It’s not the sort of thing people waste by dumping it in someone else’s drink for kicks. Most importantly, my favorite alkie was never one to make moral judgments about intoxicants. He welcomed one and all. The most likely truth is that he was snorting lines with his buddies and knew it wasn’t my bag so he didn’t bother to call or to give it to me straight when he got around to apologizing. Forever after, any flake out or complete failure at life has been blamed on one of those wily, lurking Blowtini’s. Watch out, they’ll sneak up on you.
Eat, Pray, BLOW OFF

Thursday, April 22, 2010
the STRIP OFF

Wyclef Jean - Perfect Gentleman (Official Music Video) - Watch more top selected videos about: Wyclef_Jean
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
the accidental BLOW OFF

Three years after university, I was living in San Francisco and having coffee with a guy who had been stringing me along on and off since junior year; I didn’t mind much as he was too cute not to let him and too dull to worry about getting hurt. Anyway, we were enjoying lattes and macaroons and chatting about not much when two guys came and sat down at the table next to us. One of them had long hair, a great smile and a backpack full of charisma. I tried to concentrate on my friend’s dull dissertation on dry wall (he was doing construction at the time) but found my attention gravitating to the next table. When my friend got up to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but make eye contact with the sexy long haired guy. He struck up a conversation and mentioned something about my ‘boyfriend’. I told him he wasn’t my boyfriend and we both smiled. My friend returned and I sunk down a bit in my chair, hoping that my face didn’t look as flushed as it felt. I spent the rest of the time wondering if this was one of those moments where you either act and win or don’t and lose. What if he was my Mr. Right and I was too scared to do anything because I was with Mr. Wrong? Anyway, as my friend went to pay, I found myself writing down my phone number on the back of a receipt and slipping it to Mr. charisma as we left. My stomach was full of jitters and my mind already wandering through our first date. Who knows, I thought, I could be madly in love by next week!
The next evening I got a call from coffee house guy and we talked for a long time. He was funny, smart, from a San Francisco family and quite eccentric. Anyway, we made dinner plans for that weekend and he told me that he’d swing by my place to pick me up.
Friday night came and my roommate asked me if I wanted to walk down the street for sushi with her and her boyfriend. Seeing as they were my usual weekend partners when I did not have plans, I accepted. We strolled down to our local sushi place, enjoyed a casual dinner and some beers and walked home. We checked our messages as we usually did when walking in, and we had three. I pressed play. Shockingly, they were all from coffee house guy and he sounded increasingly frustrated. Message one: Hi, it’s *** I’m down the street from your place at the bus stop pay phone… I rang your doorbell but you didn’t answer. I’ll try again. Message two: Hey, I’m at the pay phone again. Some drunk guy looks angry I took his spot. Not sure if you gave me the right address. Message three: You know, if you didn’t want to go out with me, all you had to do is say so! Enjoy your weekend (implied Bitch at the end of that one)!
I began to sweat, my heart began to race … Friday? He said Saturday! I know he did! Shit, I don’t know his number… I don’t even know his last name! I haven’t had a real date in months! Without even thinking, I threw my coat back on and ran out the door to the bus stop on the corner. I don’t know if I expected him to be sitting there at a candle lit table for two or if I just had to try and save the evening, but all I found was a tired looking woman with her even more tired looking son and a homeless man circling the phone booth and muttering to himself. I stopped myself from desperately questioning the both of them and wandered back home muttering my own regrets.
My friend tried to console me. Her boyfriend thought it was hilarious and told me it served me right, as he was a friend of Mr. String-along. I went to bed hoping he’d try calling me the following week.
He didn’t. I don’t blame him - It was too early to care that much and he had his pride to protect as I remember it had been a while since he’d dated anyone either. And me, well I continued on with Mr. String-along until he decided to go back to his high school girlfriend and I eventually met someone else. I am pretty sure that coffee house guy and I would not have dated long, but to this day I just wish I could find him and tell him that in my mind, it was Saturday night and I was looking so forward to it.
suck it up or BLOW OFF

The good news is in the last year I've found my one true love, a small business that I've started with a friend, that involves all the fun and creativity my "career" has sucked out of me. The bad news is this venture won't be making career-like money for a long time, maybe never and for now it's my "cost center".
So now I'm trying to stay focused on taking steps towards blowing off my career for good, but here is where I get stuck:
#1 No "affordable" insurance paid by my company. This is the year of "actively" starting a family* with the husband who is self-employed and can't put me on his insurance without mucho additional $$$$. *"actively" starting a family deserves an entire post of its own.
#2 Like many Americans, re-financing has become part of our everyday vernacular, but good luck trying to make it happen post job blow off. In today's economic times, the bank won't even look at you if you're unemployed.
I wish someone would have told me the American Dream = doing something that makes you miserable just so you can own property and go to the doctor.
Monday, April 19, 2010
the do Ask, do tell BLOW OFF

Larry King's Boys Night Out: the blow off cure

Friday, April 16, 2010
the "fun" friend who is actually crazy BLOW OFF

And then, as quickly as we had become friends - poof! She disappeared. I tried to call her a few times and she never returned my calls and I actually felt sad. It was like she was breaking up with me. Where had she gone? Was she mad at me? What did I do?
Then I found out, I didn't do anything... well, except befriend an unstable nut job. It turns out Fiona had moved in with a guy she just met and was planning to get married (I later learned that this ended a couple of weeks later.) I also learned that Fiona went through friends like Heidi Montag goes through plastic surgeries. I wasn't the only one. She also went in and out of rehab, started career paths she never finished, and was constantly searching for something new. New look, new friends, new Fiona.
So my advice? Be wary of the "fun girl." "Fun" can also be code for "bat shit crazy." It's great for awhile but like our brief friendship, it's unsustainable.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
the environmental BLOW OFF #1: The Sun

Thanks "science" for proving that the sun hates me. Thanks for proving that both UVA and UVB rays are bad for me and that the only real way to reduce my risk for sun exposure is to stay locked deep inside my home and only emerge nocturnally like a wan Twilight character. Thanks a ton for making the sun, a necessity for all life on Earth, my mortal, ever-taunting enemy.
Both my parents have had, at one point or another, skin cancer removed from their pale, wrinkled faces, my husband's back is littered with more moles than a Disney witch's face, and I am roughly the color of a sickly ghost. I pity my future sun-spurned spawn. We are hated by the sun and it's not fair! I love swimming in waves, reading on the beach and taking long walks in the middle of the day. I love that feeling of euphoria that only prolonged sun exposure can bring. I love me some natural Vitamin D.
I want to go back to the days when I didn't care about getting some color. It meant that I was enjoying life and I had ruddy cheeks to prove it. I want to go back... but I am too vain and well-informed. Damn science! Of course I don't want skin cancer so for now I will try to enjoy my fifteen minutes of well-protected, sunblock slathered sun. I will also take Vitamin D supplements because no sun makes me grumpy.
Pop Culture BLOW OFF of the day: Hope it Gives You Hell

Tuesday, April 13, 2010
the Big City BLOW OFF?

Having lived in NY and LA, I think NY was the harder city to meet people in. Bar hopping is so easy and you have till 4am to hit up as many bars as you want. Sure, you might meet someone you think is cute at Blue and Gold, but maybe there's someone even cuter at 7B. You know what it took for me to embark on a serious relationship with a guy in NY? Moving to LA.
Glossary of a BLOW OFF: Area Code
Definition: A 3 digit rating system to determine a person's hotness/desirability. The 1st digit is a ranking of subject's face on a scale of 1-9; the 3rd digit is the ranking of subject's body on a scale of 1-9; and the 2nd digit is either a 0 or a 1, with 0=you wouldn't have sex with subject, and 1=you would.
Example: "That guy is a 909! Ridiculously hot, but such a douche I can't stand to be around him." OR "He's a 616. Average looking, but so smart and funny I think I'm falling in love!"
Monday, April 12, 2010
Baseball & the BLOW OFF

Thursday, April 8, 2010
the Real Housewives BLOW OFF: REVISITED

the BLOW OFF song of the day: Untouchable Face by Ani Difranco
The Pre-Dump BLOW OFF
The next day, The Australian is back in class. This is right around Christmas time, and he asks if he can take me out for a “Christmas lunch.” He’s nice enough, and I’ve known him casually for a long time, so I agree. We go out to lunch, we have a good time. Then he asks me to dinner, to a screening, to go for a hike, and on and on. Pretty soon I realize I’m dating The Australian.
Now, I am not terribly romatically interested in this guy at first. But he grows on me. He's funny and smart, really attentive and thoughtful in planning our dates. And so I assume he’s interested in me, and not just looking for a hangout buddy, but I’m not sure. Somewhere around our second or third date I ask him if he has a girlfriend, and he says no. And then he kisses me. So, OK, I’m guessing he likes me!
He goes back to Australia for a few weeks, and we email back and forth while he’s gone. He comes back and we hang out and all seems well. For his birthday I cook him dinner, he's happy and grateful, we make out, all is progressing. Then a few days later he calls me and asks me to meet him out for a drink, which I do. At drinks, he announces how much he likes me and tells me he would “totally date you if I were single.” If you were single? Would date me? He then proceeds to tell me that he has a girlfriend in Australia, and while the situation isn’t perfect, they are together and he wanted to be straight with me. I ask him how telling me he didn’t have a girlfriend when I asked him weeks earlier was being straight with me, but he doesn't answer the question.
Befuddled, I realize I’m being blown off. We aren’t yet together, but we are certainly dating. He apparently disagrees, telling me we’re not. So I say to him: “OK, then you’re pre-dumping me?” And he gets all defensive – “What? No. I’m not dumping you. I just wanted to tell you I wish I could date you but I can’t.” I try to explain to him that he was dating me until 5 minutes ago, but he feigns ignorance. I try to suppress my frustration at being made to feel like a crazy person. He’s the one who started this whole mess! But I'm getting nowhere, so I give up, finish my drink, and leave. That’s the last I ever saw of The Australian.
He never showed up at yoga again, and I only heard from him via mass email containing the trailer to his newest film (he’s a movie producer). I actually felt badly that he might have felt blowing me off meant he now had to blow off his yoga practice, and so I benevolently sent him an email telling him I hoped he wasn’t avoiding class on my account. I told him I was perfectly fine to see him, and it was true. He had been winning me over, but the pre-dump stopped that dead in its tracks. He never responded to my email.
To this day, The Australian remains the only guy who has ever taken the time to dump me when he (allegedly) didn’t even consider us to be dating. More considerate than disappearing into the ether, I suppose. But just as perplexing.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
RIP: Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy

Who's tweet was better when it came to announcing the BLOW OFF?
From Jim: "Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I'm grateful 4 the many blessings we've shared and I wish her the very best! S'okay! ?;^>"
From Jenny: "Im so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart."
Venn diagram: the reason for BLOW OFFS?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010
BLOWN OFF by my first Republican

Senior year of college I was done with guys and looking for a man. And I found him at a friend’s party – tall, red hair (love the red hair), and far more mature than the other guys there. We started talking. To accompany his good looks, he was smart, funny, and best of all into me. In fact, as the party wound down, he even said to me, “Wow, you’re a woman.” I was pleased to find out he was also done with girls and looking for someone beyond her years like me.
Read: Heartburn by Nora Ephron
Listen to: Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t My Baby? (Dinah Washington, Rae and Christian remix)
Bake: Philadelphia Cream Cheese Cheesecake Recipe (on the box) and add Raspberries.
Monday, April 5, 2010
"Relax.": Don't Do It

That said, fights are still uncomfortable and we'd still rather avoid them no matter how great the make up sex is. And in hindsight, we're bound to feel like there were things we shouldn't have said or that maybe we overreacted. I'll admit, I may be a little too good at fighting. I've got a bit of a knack for coming up with mean things to say on the fly (if anyone knows how i can make a career out of that, please tell me). So, for all the guys out there who may have girlfriends like me who are known to have an outburst or two, here's a tip to make your next fight a little easier. There's one word in the English language you should never, ever, ever utter in a fight. The word of the day is: "relax."
This tends to be a guy's favorite go to in an argument and I'd love to hear if any of you dudes actually got your sig other to calm down after saying it. Whether or not our reasons for being angry are A. completely and totally warranted or B. completely and totally unwarranted, the word "relax" will pretty much always make us fly off the handle even more. It doesn't work, it only makes things worse, stop saying it.
Here's another tip. If you really want us to relax: draw us a bath and give us a massage (preferably with a happy ending). I promise, we will not respond with angry expletives.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
the BLOW OFF song of the day: Set Adrift on Memory Bliss by PM Dawn
"I can remember when I caught up
with a pastime intimate friend.
She said, "Bet you're probably gonna say I look lovely,
but you probably don't think nothin' of me."
She was right, though, I can't lie.
She's just one of those corners in my mind,
and I just put her right back with the rest.
That's the way it goes, I guess."
-PM Dawn, 1991
Friday, April 2, 2010
the ageist BLOWOFF

Ageism, such an ugly word, but when it’s the reason behind a blow-off or breakup, dare I say it, sometimes it just makes sense. Despite the old adage, one can definitely be too thin, too rich (not a bad burden however) and too damn young – or old for that matter. When it comes to the relationship, there is a fine balance.
Let’s take dating the younger man, being a cougar these days is all the rage. I’ve done it– in fact am still doing it - (and highly recommend it). And part of me loves the fact that finally, women are getting their due as viable objects of desire even when they are, gasp, past 40. Men have been doing it since they got off their knuckles – and in much more of an embarrassing fashion – so hell, why can’t we. The trick is to do it right. Of course you want to find someone desirable, hot even, energetic and youthful. But what you don’t want is to end up with him at some club surrounded by 18 year olds wearing neon and leg warmers wondering how long before you can sneak out and tuck your old weary bones in bed. As I said before, balance is the key. You have to have enough in common so that age is not glaring at you in the face like a florescent bulb. Cause this will quickly lead to him leaving you curbside, or you quickly tiring out and trading him in for a Twilight DVD and a cup of hot chocolate (hey, just cause you’re feeling old, does not mean you can’t be tapped into the zeitgeist).
On the flipside there is the older man to consider, and of course be wary of. My friend was married to a man 17 years her senior. The man took a nap every day. Every single day. And if he didn’t, he’d become so cranky he needed a bottle. This she soon realized was NOT a good sign, and it quickly led to the demise of their relationship. I’m not saying it cannot be done. In many circumstances, going older means finding someone who just may be your equivalent in maturity. And there are of course things to be learned, taught, and experienced that only someone of a different generation can show us. But keep in mind the following, if he needs your hand to cross the street, or takes anything off his body or from his mouth to sleep at night, I’d fire up the DVD player and seriously reconsider the union.
Kim and Reggie: The I'm taking my ball and going home BLOW OFF

the media BLOW OFF

The hurt. The betrayal. The utter disappointment in something you came to depend on, only to realize your feelings were never truly considered. Yes, I’m talking about being utterly betrayed by your favorite tv show, author, or musician...You laugh, perhaps even scoff, but you know it has happened to you. You devoutly follow a program, buy a singer's albums for years, or become so obsessed with a book you realize you haven't showered in days (okay, so I may be the only one on this) and then suddenly, you are punched in the gut by your old foe: disappointment.
For starters, take your favorite TV program. Everything is moving along so well, you're buying what they're selling, the characters are engaging to that believable degree, and then suddenly, WHAM, your favorite show jumps the shark (thank you Fonzi) in such a way that to stay and watch would reinforce that you are fine with your IQ taking a serious nosedive. '24' springs to mind. With this season half way thru, I have come to realize that I am the battered tv wife. Another arab villain (how unique), more impossible schematics sent to Jack's PDA, and oh, shocker, another mole within CTU. Seriously does this place vet agents while they’re still in prison? And yet, it's taken me until episode ten to contemplate stepping away from the glowing poison box and saying, enough! Some blow offs take time. In this case, almost 8 years.
When it comes to books, I find the disappointment even richer, simply due to the obsessive allure of the fictional world. I remember reading The Alienist, followed by Angel of Darkness. I was utterly hooked, riveted, blown backwards by the in depth portrayal of quirky characters created... I simply could not get enough. And when I finished, I waited patiently for the follow-up. I checked with the book stores like a junky, eagerly anticipating his next novel. And then what did the author do? He put out a sci-fi book, and not a palatable star wars-esque Hans Solo love triangle piece of mind porn, but hardcore sci-fi with alien invasions and robots. Supposedly it was his true inner calling. Put the pen down L. Ron. If I wanted to hear about aliens taking over the earth I'd hit the center. In this case, I feel like it was I, the reader, that was seriously blown off. Thanks for that Mr. Carr.
Then there is the musician. And trust me this one hurts the most. Cause you’ve most likely lived your life to a certain degree by some of your favorite artist's material. The memories far and deep put to a soundtrack: your first heartbreak song, the getting ready to go out song, the roadtrip song; hell, the I just feel like crying song, so I'm going to put you on and do just that. And you sing the lyrics time and time again, swearing that this person knows just how you feel, or knows at least how to make you feel better. And you find yourself believing their every emotion, feeling some sort of kinship ('this song speaks to me damn it!') Until that fateful day when you read an interview or blog site that exposes this singer/band for the true idiot(s) that they really are. And for some, it’s far past idiocy, it’s cringeworthy shallowness that defies all logic. In fact you wonder if they can string a sentence together at all, let alone write a poetic lyric. And you find yourself wondering how you ever listened to their songs in the first place. And so you put down the ipod, step away slowly, and vow never to do it again....and like any decent break up worth its salt, when you hear that song on the radio, its tainted. Now you hear the real idiot behind the lyrics. The one that spouts about their sex life, penis size, and racist tendencies (yes, JM I’m talking about you). Suddenly all that musical talent goes right out the window.
But creativity is like the dating world, there are many more fish in the sea. And you tell yourself there will be more to tempt you with and draw you in, more shows, books and artists that will make you fall in love all over again. And you foolishly look forward to the day when you'll do just that.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Bros Before Hos Blow Off

Every Friday Jessica and I would make plans. I would come over and while we were getting ready, Jake would call and she would agree to meet him at his parents' house. Then she would apologize half-heartedly about how she didn't know he was coming in to town and this would never happen again. Pretty soon, I was like "No, it won't. Because I'm making other plans." You'd think I'd slapped her.
She sputtered that this was not her fault. She thought he might come into town. She wasn't sure. She didn't want to be left with nothing to do and my God, didn't I know how much she liked him? I did. I also knew that a guy who called her over to make-out on his parents' couch and then sent her home while he made himself a sandwich, did not actually like her.
Even after I stopped agreeing to be her weekly back-up plan, I listened to her debate the pros and cons of being involved with someone who didn't acknowledge her existence in public. I took my car when she was worried about driving by his parents' house in her own. I participated in a lot of ridiculous high school girl shenanigans until the things that once bound us as friends dissolved and we were left having the same damn conversation about why Jake hadn't called. Spoiler Alert: It's because he didn't give a shit about her.
Unlike most friendships, Jessica and I actually broke up. One night she called, wondering what I was up to. I was with our friend Emily. We'd met through Jessica, and were now close friends (turned out I wasn't the only one over being ditched for Jake). Jessica wanted to meet up, but we were at a party Emily's older brother and his friends were throwing.
Jessica's Jake-dar started blinking and she asked if he was there. He was. She said she was coming over. We said maybe that wasn't such a good idea. He was with all his old friends. He hadn't told her he was in town. Why didn't we just meet her somewhere else? That's when her head exploded. There was yelling (her end) and eye rolling (ours) and when the dust settled, it was clear that it was over. With Jake and with us.
My Grandma's Scandalous BLOW OFF
