Wednesday, June 30, 2010

politics of a BLOW OFF: A Few Good Men

So, President Obama blew off General McChrystal. We all know that. What everybody doesn't know, however, is that the whole thing could’ve been avoided had General McChrystal been a reader of The Blow Off. Yes, that’s correct. The Blow Off comes in handy for even the most powerful, macho men in the world. How you say? Well, it’s pretty simple actually, General McChrystal should’ve known that if you have a group of jackass friends who like to drink way too much you either a) keep them away from your girlfriend; or b) make sure that they are not drinking when around said girlfriend.

Imagine you are a girl (i.e. Obama) who is in a relationship with a guy (i.e. McChrystal) who is smart, accomplished and likeable. Except for that one time when he did something that really pissed you off and the fact that some of your family members are not a big fan of him, you’re pretty sure he’s the one. So far, so good. Now, around his friends (i.e. McChrystal's staff) this guy has a tendency to be a meathead -- but this is only when you’re not around. Fact is, most guys have a group of friends like this. The kind where if their girlfriend bared witness to their behavior, it’d mean definite axation. But everyone knows how to manage this: The guy accepts to either relegate those friends to guys-night-out only events; or, if they are to be invited, liquor is not to be served. No problem (minus weddings, but we’ll let some other humiliated reader share their story about this unavoidable exception to the rule).

Now, imagine you’re with this boyfriend on a trip to Europe, and are supposed to head back to the states the following day. During this trip you even spend some sober time with said group of friends, as the rules permit. They’re annoying and make some off handed comments about your relationship that have you wondering what your boyfriend must be saying to them, but whatever, you’re leaving the next day and can ignore it. There’s only one minor obstacle. You see, fate has it that a fucking volcano in northern Europe decides to erupt right as you’re about to leave the country, which means that all flights on the continent are grounded until further notice.

Trouble...

During the next two weeks your boyfriend, citing unforeseeable circumstances, breaks the rules and does not turn down the repeated invitations from his group of friends for you and him to join them. What follows is a disaster. His friends are assholes – I mean major assholes. But there’s more to it than that. A lot of the shit they tell you when drunk are quotes from your boyfriend: he thinks that your mother is a whore, most of your friends are idiots, that you’re intimidated by him and that you make him constantly do shit that is—and I quote—“fucking gay”. Oh yeah, and to top it off, this is all recorded and posted on YouTube (don’t ask me why, it just is).

Woops.

That in effect is what happened with General McChrystal. He had an interview with Rolling Stone. During the two day interview he and his advisers made some suspect remarks, but they were things that could be overlooked. Then came that damn volcano. During the next two weeks very few of the insults the reporter heard came from out of the general’s mouth (they were mostly all from his top advisers). And most of the insults weren’t even directed at the President. But for the general’s friends to have said the shit they did, they had to have heard it from somewhere. And, even if the President could get past the personal slight, there was still that damn YouTube video –you know, the one that by now had not only been e-mailed around by all your cousins, but was being posted on Facebook by random people you haven’t seen since high school.

The president had to blow him off. And McChrystal? Sure we could say that he shouldn’t have been such a jackass and said all those things to his advisers in the first place, but you might also argue that his mistake was in not ending the reporter’s time with him as originally scheduled. Once that damn volcano hit, he should’ve known that there were simply too many opportunities for his friends to get drunk, run their mouths, and embarrass him. A lesson to be had for bachelors of the world...otherwise, we might all be forced to hand in our resignations.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

SAF: The "See, I'm Not An Asshole!" Blow Off


Fall 2009. I was still a Cupertino castaway, in my parent's house, after living in NYC for six years. I was a foreigner back in the land of sunshine and strip malls, and I admit, pretty lonely in suburbia.

Around this time, I had met a guy who I didn't really think too much of at first. After a few fun dates though, I started to let my guard down a little. He was tall and handsome and we seemed to have a lot in common. He pretended to laugh my dumb jokes and we watched the same tv shows. That's about all I can ask for these days.

Out of the blue one day, around date #4, he canceled dinner on me. Funny thing was that I had woken up that morning and had a weird feeling that he would do that. I just KNEW. It's just instinct, I suppose-- we always KNOW when shit's about to hit the fan, don't we? So I wasn't surprised when he called to say he wasn't feeling well, just a few hours before we were supposed to meet.

"He's lying," my friend said to me, "you can tell."

Blow off?

All downhill from there.

He totally went MIA on me. We had been avid chatters, texters, emailers and even talked on the phone (kinda overboard for a dude I'd only been out with a few times, but I was just going with it), and all of the sudden, POOF! No contact. We had so much fun the last time we met up! What was going on? I was confused.

I didn't call him. He didn't call me.

A week went by, no contact. Nothing.

So, this is definitely the blow off, right? Hmmm, not quite just yet.

I threw a big party that following week. It would be a big night out, and all five of my friends would be there. I had invited him to come before his disappearance, and he had said he would come. Since we hadn't been in contact for a week, it didn't even cross my mind that he would remember.

[Ok, that's a lie. I totally thought about it all day and made sure I looked extra cute, just in case he did come.]

And guess what? He did. He fucking showed up with his friends. I was shocked, but managed to act nonchalant all night. I figured that it was a big deal for him to come, meet all my friends, and that he was extending the olive branch after avoiding me all week.

Right?

WRONG!

Long story short, it ended a week later with the all-too-typical Let's just be friends mantra.

Wait for it... wait for it...

Ohhhhh, ok, so THIS is the blow off. Like, the official one. Awesome!

Honestly, I got the message loud and clear when he canceled dinner (Blow Off #1), then went MIA on me (Blow Off #2). Got it. You're just not that into me. I studied the book and saw the movie, and while they both made me want to gauge my eyeballs out, I learned a thing or two about the SIGNS to look out for. I'm a big girl, and can handle it, thanks.

That said, you know the one thing that I am totally NOT ok with? The fact that he showed up to the party.

WHY did he come? Why would he go through all the trouble to come out and meet my friends? To stick around the whole night and act like he actually gave a shit?

I'll tell you why. This is the classic See, I'm Not an Asshole! Blow Off. Dudes do this quite often-- they are petrified of being labeled The Asshole so they go out of the way to do something nice, only to turn around and fuck you twice over.

This is also a close cousin to the Wait, Let Me Just Make Sure, Just One More Time, That I Really Don't Like You Blow Off. Yah, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Boys, this sucks. Don't do it. BE A GENTLEMAN. Don't avoid being an asshole-- just don't be one.

PS- Confession: It's true. This is the now-famous blow off that started THE BLOW OFF. The rest is history.

Monday, June 28, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

Let me start this post by saying I really resent the fact that this show is two hours long.  ABC, why must you suck that much of my life away every week?  By the time this season is over, I'll have lost an entire day to this show.  That's just sick and wrong.  Especially, since I've lost all hope in love now that Jake and Vienna are over.  

Our viewing group fell to three girls this week, but somehow we managed to keep the commentary going for the whole two hours.  We also realized that the reason Jesse (AKA hot 24 year old) was nixed last week was so he could be on The Bachelor Pad.  I'm so excited to see more fighting between the weatherman and the other Craig on this show!

*the guys are going to Iceland!  This kind of makes us feel better about tuning in, at least we get a geography lesson on the side.

*More cute goofy shots of them on the plane.

*Wow, Iceland is super pretty.  The guys look like they are freezing.  They're all wearing dorky snow hats, except for Chris Harrison, cause he's too effing cool.  Ali shows up and yet again we have to hear the guys talk about how hot she is.  

*the boys have to write Ali a love poem and whoever writes the best poem will get a one on one date with Ali.  This is straight up retarded.  

*the poems basically suck all around.  Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) is actually kind of clever and funny.  Chris N.  basically can't even speak let alone write a poem.  We once again forget that he was even on this show and we have to wonder how he ever made it this far.

*Kirk goes right up to Ali when he reads his poem and it's so obvious she wants a piece of him. His poem could literally be "Ali, Ali, I love your mole, now can I stick it in your butthole?" and she would still give him the one on one date.  

*Frank is such a poseur!  He totally copies Kirk and goes straight up to Ali too.  Dude, could you be more obvious?

*Surprise, surprise.  Ali picks Kirk.  I'm already bored.  The rest of the guys are soooooo jealous.

*Ali and Kirk go shopping for adorable Icelandic sweaters.  Ali's all giggles.  It's actually kind of cute and it turns out that Kirk has a sense of humor.   He's putting on funny girly sweaters and cracking Ali up.  I'm calling it now--- she's going to pick him.

*Ali and Kirk grab some lunch.  She tries to ask him about his relationship history.  I love when he says that he's only dated amazing women.  It's kind of nice to see Ali look a little insecure for once.   She says it worries her that he's never been in a relationship longer than a year.   Whatevs, he's a dude and he's what, 26? 27?   Leave him alone, Ali.  

*We're all in a panic when we see that after the commercial break Kirk tells Ali he needs to tell her something....he used to be a chick?  he was in prison?  WHAT IS IT?

*Back at the house, it's revealed who's going on the group date and which two guys have to compete for Ali's love on a two on one date.  Another shocker: Kasey and R Rated get the two on one date.  Kasey looks like he's going to throw up.  He really doesn't want to go home, how is he going to guard and protect Ali's heart if he's not on the show?   R Rated thinks it's in the bag.

*Kirk tells Ali some crazy story about almost dying, because he lived in a moldy college house.  Seriously?  How many people lived in moldy places in their twenties?  My sister literally had mushrooms growing in her bathroom in New York City and she didn't almost die.  Okay, totally kidding (not about the mushrooms).  This story actually made me really mad, because it made me love Kirk and I didn't want to love him.  He's actually kind of soulful and genuine and they're cute together in their matching sweaters.  It's no surprise when he gets a rose even though Ali kept saying in her interviews that she's not sure yet if she's going to give him a rose. So dumb the way they are always trying to build fake suspense on this show.  PS  I think Kirk is too good for Ali.  

*GROUP DATE!  This is like the worst group date ever.  It's totally freezing, they're all wearing these like hazmet suit looking outfits and they have to get on these creepy looking horses made for hobbits.

*Just when I thought this group date couldn't get any worse, they all have to climb down into some dark cave.  Whoever came up with this from the production company probably regretted it.  Caves are cool, but it's totally dark on camera and we can't see anything.  I'm happy for Chris L though, cause he gets some alone time with Ali in the cave minus the camera crew.  

*Frank is feeling like a big loser on this date, because he's falling behind and not getting a lot of alone time.  Sorry Frank, but you were so four episodes ago.

*Back at home, R Rated has an ace up his sleeve!  He goes to a doctor and gets his cast removed and gets a boot on.  Damn, Ali doesn't stand a chance.  

*Okay, the group date finally gets better when they go to a hot spring.  We all laugh when Ali takes off her hazmet suit to reveal a skimpy bikini.  The guys all get simultaneous hard ons.  I don't know why cause Ali is super fat.  haha, jk.  They start ripping off their clothes like fifteen year old boys.  We even get a blurred out ass shot.  

*My favorite part of the whole episode is when Ali gets tanked.  That girl is a boozer.  I'm convinced that at the end of the series, we'll find out we've actually been watching A & E's Intervention and all the guys will read Ali a really sad letter and she'll be sent off to Betty Ford.

*Ali and Roberto get alone time!  Yes!  I've def missed him in this episode.  She tells him she thinks he's too good looking for her.  She's so insightful.

*Ali tries to reassure Frank, tells him once again to hang in there, blah blah blah.  Why is she leading him on?  She loves Captain Kirk. 

*Chris L once again talks about his family.  I'm afraid Ali won't be able to relate since she was raised by a pack of repressed wolves and all.  BUT, he scores some points when he tells Ali that he doesn't need to stay in the Cape forever.

*Ty gets the group date rose.  I'm kind of into him, but I would have given it to Roberrrrrrto.  I'm just sayin'

*Kasey freaks out some more about his two on one date.  Frank tries to console him, but he's laughing at him on the inside.  

*I actually feel sorry for Ali because she has to go on a douche on one date with R Rated and Kasey.  Instead of roses she should give them used douche bags. 

*It wouldn't be an episode of the Bachelorette without a helicopter ride.  The threesome flies around the erupting volcano and it's actually pretty awesome.  Now I'm convinced that ABC has magic powers.  Why can they fly all around this thing in a heli when airports all over Europe were shutdown?  They totally had  a conference call with Mother Nature and Bjork to make this happen.

*oh no, here it comes, here it comes.  Kasey is about to show Ali his tattoo.  They keep talking about how she supports him being himself, etc (ie a creepy crazy person).  He shows her the tattoo and I'm totes disappointed in Ali's reaction.  She's all kinds of nice about it.  What she should really do is tell him he's coming on too strong, it could save him from making the same mistake with another girl.

*Ali looks like she's going to be sick to her stomach when she has to give out the rose.  I would feel nauseous too if I was choosing between a guy who wears Ed Hardy T-shirts and a guy who just got an Ed Hardy looking tattoo.   

*She gives the rose to R Rated and they have to get back in the helicopter and just leave Kasey there on the freaking volcano all alone.  WTF, this is so mean!  ABC is evil.  And poor Ali can't even enjoy her alone time with R Rated and his boot.  The only thing that would redeem this moment is if the song All By Myself was playing in the background.  

*It's the rose ceremony and the framed photos are back, yay!  Chris Harrison and Ali have a really therapeutic conversation about how Ali's afraid to love, bull shit, bull shit, bull shit. Hmmm, let me think, I'm afraid to love, so I think I'll go on The Bachelorette.  Then I thought about it some more and I realized: I was pissed at Ali for ditching her career to find a husband, but now that I know she just wants to be famous, she actually is on this show for her career.  She's like a freaking trail blazer this one.  PS this conversation is yet another clue that Ali "i'm afraid to love" Fedotowsky won't pick anyone at the end.  

*Now, it's time for the guys to get alone time with Ali to make a last ditch effort to get a rose. Hilarious moment where Craig shows Ali a fake tattoo he drew on his wrist.  This guy is really funny, but he's totally in best guy friend territory.

*Chris N and Ali finally have the first conversation we've seen them have and he can barely speak.  Why is this guy still here?  Ali has to get rid of one guy at this ceremony and I will be beyond shocked if it's not Chris N.

*Well, I wasn't shocked but Chris N. was.  He can't seem to believe it when Ali sends him home.  And even though I made fun of him all episode, I now feel sorry for him as he's whisked off in the limo alone.  

*Everyone toasts to Chris N getting the boot.  Once R Rated is out of here, I'll be into all of Ali's potential husbands.  

*Predictions: the top 4 will be Kirk, Chris L, Roberto, and possibly Ty.  Off to Turkey tonight. Please, please let there be a helicopter ride.


Friday, June 25, 2010

the boyfriend BLOW OFF

I once did a very stupid and bad thing. It started with a move to San Francisco. I was somewhat lonely and dateless for the foreseeable future so I decided to buck up and give online dating a shot. The site was Nerve the indie site of dating sites. My profile was overly witty & sarcastic - I would say pretty true to my offline self ;) I got a few winks, exchanged a few emails, but nothing ever came out of it. A few months passed, I started dating my now husband (met him through cousin, not dating site), however my profile stayed "active" although I was now pretty much inactive.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

chatroulette WTF?!

The things I do for this blog.  I've been reading/hearing a lot about chatroulette.com (the website where you video chat with random peeps) and I was particularly fascinated by the fact that all you have to do to blow someone off on this website is click the "next" button.  You can click next halfway through a conversation or you can click it immediately when you see the video of the person.  And you don't even have to feel guilty about it, because they don't know who you are and can never track you down again for an explanation.  In chatroulette lingo this is referred to as being "nexted."  

I've never been in a chat room in my life.  The worst things I've looked at on the internet is NSFW pictures of celebrity nipple slips.  Okay fine, I'll admit I've looked at internet porn but purely out of curiosity (ie what's all the rage?) and I can count the times I've done it on one hand.  And I guarantee I had nightmares from it, because apparently a porn is not a porn unless the dudes are fucking disgusting.  Suffice it to say, I'm an internet prude.

So, when I decided to do a little investigative reporting for the BLOW OFF and try out the "next" button firsthand, I knew I may be exposing myself to some weird kinky behavior.  According to the wiki page, 1 in 10 of the feeds are of users exhibiting themselves in the nude or masturbating.  On average, 89% of peeps on chatroulette are male.  FYI, I only learned those statistics after I logged in....

Folks, five seconds was about all I could take on this site.

For those of you that have never done it, the site has two video screens.  One of you, one of the person you chat with.  First, you click an icon to initiate your video.  Done.  I actually looked kind of cute compared to how I normally look on a webcam.  Then you click the "next" button to initiate the other video screen.  I took a deep breath and pressed "next" and saw.....

 A GIANT CLOSE UP OF SOMEONE'S NAKED ASS.

I immediately screamed and closed the window.   (Note: there is a "report" button, but I was in a panic and forgot all about it).  I sat frozen for a couple seconds, before I convinced myself to man up and give it another shot.  I told myself "you are doing this for your thirty readers, Sara.  You cannot let these people down."  So, I went back on the site, initiated my video, clicked "next", then pointed the mouse right by the "x" so I could close out the window as fast as humanly possible.  Hopefully, it would just be a cool girl from Australia who wants to know what it's like to live in LA or even better,  a celeb like Ashton Kutcher.  Nope, I'm not that lucky.

It was dark.  I could see a guy's torso in a polo shirt.  Then he panned the camera to his face. Sigh of relief.  He looks kind of innocent and normal.  Then, for a split second, I worried I'd get nexted and feel super rejected.  I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of an ego boost when I wasn't. This is how our conversation went:

him: hi
me: hi
him: from?
me: California
me: I've never been on this site before.  What about you?
him: show baby
me (in my head): show baby?! ewww, show what?  what am I doing on this gross site?  Wait, oh no, what's he doing?!?!

he got up...and just as it looked like he was gonna pull down his pants.......

I screamed and closed the window.  Looks like I will be blowing off chatroulette from here on out.  It's a gamble my non-virgin eyes just aren't willing to take.  

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

glossary of a BLOW OFF: Kardashian

Kardashian
Function: adjective meets noun
Origin: June 18th, 2010 by my bestie AA
Definition: A girl that moves at lightning speed when it comes to relationships.  

(I can't believe Jill already told Jack she loves him and they've only been dating for two weeks.  That girl is a total Kardashian.)

You know these girls.  Maybe you're friends with one, maybe you've dated one, maybe you are one.  They think every guy they're dating is "the one."  They use words like intense and passionate.  They fast forward their wedding plans for the sake of their reality show.  They self-sabotage relationships by moving too fast and freaking out dudes who know the difference between fucking and loving.

I had a Kardashian moment once and the relationship fizzled pretty quickly, but in my defense, the only reason I got giddy and excited was because said dude was calling and texting all the time.  He was inviting me to go out with his friends.  He was saying how sad he was that I was going out of town for a week.  I thought it was in the bag and that he was my boyfriend.  So, when four weeks into dating his birthday rolled around, I treated him to a nice sushi dinner and bought him a birthday present (a funny ironic one, btw) and after that, it all went down hill.       

I hope Lamar doesn't pull that shit on Khloe.  

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

if you didn't BLOW me OFF, then...

Every BLOW OFF has a silver lining and in our new regular column "if you didn't blow me off, then..." we look at the upside of getting dumped.  Send us your stories to theblowoffwtf@gmail.com, cause in hindsight aren't you stoked you were blown off?  

I'll start.

If you didn't blow me off, then...

in 2005, I would have turned down the job offer and transfer to Los Angeles to stay in New York to be with you.  I would not have all the great friends I have now, I would not have an apartment three times the size of my place in the east village, I would still be spending too much money on winter clothes, I wouldn't have my cool BF, I wouldn't get to see my parents as often as I do, I wouldn't live in the same city with my brother, I wouldn't have met the right people to introduce me to the right people to get my first screenplay sold, and I wouldn't have my dream job of being a full time writer who can still pay the bills.  And, most importantly, I wouldn't have this blog.  So, thank you.  

PS Suck it!

I feel so much better now.

Monday, June 21, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

It was no fun watching the first half of The Bachelorette by myself in a hotel room in Vegas and the other half on Hulu (although Hulu is the best website in the world). There was just something missing without the constant commentary of five other girls, but never fear, we'll be reunited tonight for episode 5.

Here's my recap on last week's show...

*Ali and her eleven boyfriends get to go to New York. Good bye, ugly ass house in the valley of Los Angeles. Hello, empire state of mind.

*I like all the goofy shots of the guys on the plane. Roberto's smile makes my heart flutter.

*the guys get to stay in a pretty cool apartment. Kasey (ie speech impediment) gets the first one on one date. It's finally his time to show Ali he's going to "guard and protect her heart."

*Ali gets to do a photo shoot for InStyle magazine and try on a bunch of flirty outfits. She let's slip that she's always dreamed of this moment. I fucking knew it!!! She didn't sign up for The Bachelorette or The Bachelor to find true love, she signed up to be FAMOUS. Hey Ali, I hear Bob Guinney's on the market.

*Ali and Kasey go on a helicopter ride over the city of New York. Thank God the helicopter was invented, because this show wouldn't be able to exist without it.

*Ali and Kasey have some awkward picnic where he tries to improvise and sing a song for her. It's super awful and it kind of makes me like Ali when she basically rolls her eyes the whole time.

*This is actually pretty cool. Ali and Kasey get the museum of natural history all to themselves. Ugh. I just don't think this girl deserves all these cool experiences. I lived in NY for three years and I always had to share museums with other people. Not fair.

*Kasey gets super creepy, talks about guarding and protecting Ali's heart, then sings more. Ali says he's not getting a rose tonight, but she's not gonna make him leave either (somebody give the producers of this show a nobel prize). Kasey tells her she's a whore and a cock tease and if he's not getting a BJ, he's on the first helicopter out of NY. Okay, I made that last part up.

*Group date! Poor little Ali has a cold and she admits to the dudes that she might not be that much fun on this date. Interestingly enough, this is the least annoying she's ever been. Apparently, when Ali has a cold, she doesn't "woo-woo" that much.

*On the group date, the guys get to audition for a role in The Lion King and will get to be in the musical with Ali. (Synergy alert: this show is on ABC, which is owned by Disney, which also owns the Lion King franchise).

*Holy crap, the twenty four year old can sing. Poor weatherman is way off key, but he's SO excited at the prospect of being on Broadway (um, yeah. it's official. He's gay. I'm hoping right about now he'll come out of the closet on the show). All the guys feel like idiots, because Roberto looks right at Ali while he sings to her and gets the part. (duh, guys!)

*Ali and Roberto wear some sort of ugly jungle outfit. Roberto is still hot, even though he has a shorts tan and is a bit on the hairy side. Ali, the fame whore, is super psyched about having her own dressing room.

*The guys can barely watch as Ali and Roberto are suspended in mid-air together on a Broadway stage.

*The after-party. Ali is still sick, but decides to go out for a walk in the rain with Frank and to tell him to hang in there, because she still really likes him. Um, me think she's full of shit. At this point, it's so obvious she wants to bang Kirk.

*Now, I'm really mad at Ali and the producers. Once again, she decides she can't give a rose out this evening, because she was sick (uh, you can't figure out if you like a guy when you have a cold? I don't get it). I can't effing believe that Roberto didn't earn the rose after wearing a jungle outfit and looking right at her, while he was singing.

*Kirk takes Ali back to her hotel room and stays with her till she falls asleep. Except, I know better. This is just what the show's producers want us to think. Her eyes are just closed people, she's not really sleeping. Kirk seems like every other guy in a button down in a bar in the financial district of every city with a financial district.

*Kasey decides he needs to do something desperate to show Ali that he's sincere and goes to get a tattoo. If only Ali had said what she really meant--- "you're creepy, dude." I'm praying to the TV gods that this is a faux-reality moment.

*Chris L. is really excited to get a one on one date with Ali on his birthday, but she sends a note saying she's a wet blanket that still has a cold, so he better not expect anything more than hanging out in her germ infested hotel room.

*He shows up at her place with chicken soup and nurses her back to health. I love Chris L. He reminds me of a grown up Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights.

*All the guys wonder where Kasey is. He comes home and tells them he had to go to the hospital, because he burned himself. R Rated is totally not falling for it. It takes a liar to know a liar.

*Ali miraculously feels better. In fact, she's well enough to eat raw oysters. They go to this lounge that they have (wait for it) all to themselves. Chris L. tells her about going home to take care of his mom before she died. He tells her that before she died his mom left him and his brothers a note saying "look for me in rainbows" and at her funeral there was a giant rainbow. I'm basically snotting myself at this point, while Ali is twirling her hair and saying "that's sooooo sweeeet." How could she not be more touched by this story? Is she a robot? Was she raised by a pack of wolves? Wait a second, she doesn't really mention her family much...OMG, she WAS raised by a pack of wolves. That's gonna make for one awkward hometown date.

*Ali seems confused by the degree of affection between Chris L and his dad when they talk on the phone, once again proving that not only was she raised by a pack of wolves, but she was raised by a cold detached emotionally repressed pack of wolves.

*Ali and Chris to go the rooftop where Joshua Radin is there to serenade them. This is a step up from The Barenaked Ladies. Ali clearly wants to hang out with Josh instead of Chris L. They slow dance and make out, but I almost get the feeling this might be Chris L's first kiss. Regardless, I think Chris deserves better than Ali.

*Rose Ceremony night. I can't even remember if Chris Harrison made an appearance. And I'm so confused: how's Ali going to figure out who to give a rose to without time to contemplate things in a room filled with everyone's framed photos?

*Kasey finally tells the guys that he didn't go to the hospital and that he got a tattoo. It's basically right off of an Ed Hardy T-shirt--- a heart with a shield in front of it and a rose, because (say it with me), Kasey will guard and protect Ali's heart.

*OMG. Weatherman, who clearly couldn't sing, plays Ali a song on the guitar. Dude, at this point, he'd have better luck getting a rose by dropping trou'.

*Aw, shit...it's the moment I've been waiting for all episode. Kasey is about to reveal his tattoo to Ali....omg, omg, omg--- oh, hi Frank. Thanks for interrupting. It's cool, we can wait till next week for Kasey to show his tattoo to Ali. Am I really supposed to believe this wasn't totally planned by the show's producers? And that between now and the big reveal, Ali never finds out about the tattoo from another contender or from the crew? Are there people out there who watch reality shows and still believe this shit?

*Once again, I am boggled by Ali at the rose ceremony. Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) gets a rose? That guy who I keep forgetting is even on this show gets a rose? What's the deal--- are him and Ali's scenes just getting cut, because I've never even seen them have a conversation. I am not surprised that Kasey gets a rose, because the tattoo is this week's cliffhanger.

*HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. The hot 24 year old who can sing does not get a rose? I guess I sort of understand. The guy was wearing denim on denim last week and he didn't like oysters, but he's HOT. Didn't the producers want to just keep him around for some eye candy? I love him all the more when it appears he's super excited to leave the show, because he misses his dogs. Did you hear that, Ali? He misses his dogs. Poor weatherman didn't get a rose either, but he's sort of like the blind guy on American Idol. He was getting pity roses all along.

I can't wait to watch tonight's episode and I'm def going to run out and buy In Touch Magazine today. Frank dumps Ali for his ex? Please, if there is a God...please, please, please let his ex be Weatherman....


Friday, June 18, 2010

The Mile High Blow Off

It's happened to every single one of you.

You're boarding a plane. Everybody lines up single file. Bored, and curious, you scan the crowd, spot that gay or girl who stands apart from the rest (i.e. smokin' hot) and hope that person gets seated next to you (across the aisle or, at the very least, you two run into each other while stretching in the aisle.)

If you're bold, you might even strike up a conversation with this person... at the very least, a flirty hello.

The object of my affection wasn't a passenger... it was a flight attendant. Because, as we all know, most male flight attendants are gay and, when they work for Jet Blue, they're hot.

After waiting for what seemed like ever to board the plane, I tossed my bag into the overhead compartment, peeled off my sweater and plopped myself down into the aisle seat.

"You look like you need a drink," the A&F-looking, 20-something hottie working coach said and he walked by slamming the overhead compartments.

"Believe me, the second you guys start serving, I'm getting two," I said back.

"Here," he said, slipping me a couple bottles from his pocket. "Kick back."

Seriously? Hot and nice? Mile high club, here I come.

OK, I wasn't really going there. The thing about the mile-high club is people talk about it like it's all kinds of hot, but when you fly (or, rather, when I fly) I feel disgusting. Clammy, sweaty, my hair's a hot mess, sometimes my allergies make me sound like Fran Drescher. Not exactly the time you wanna do the deed with the totally hot flight attendant.

Still, he looked good -- and he handed out free booze, so I wasn't about to let the opportunity to get to know him better on the ground pass me by.

Later, as he passed through the aisle again, I did something I'd never, ever done. I slipped him my number on a napkin. I don't know. Maybe it was the three drinks (I ordered another later). Maybe it was the fact that Love Actually was playing on the plane.

"I'm flattered, but I have a girlfriend," he said quietly, but I still think the nosy lady pawing through a Danielle Steel novel across the aisle overheard.

Straight? Straight? What the fuck are the chances?

Later, when we landed and every one started getting off the plane, I saw him put his arm around an equally hot guy who'd been seated at the front of the plane.

So not straight.

I guess I was right about how I look on a plane.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

After a BLOW OFF, everyone needs a shoulder to cry on

My parents are the best and I'm not only saying that because they read the BLOW OFF everyday, I'm saying it because they've been there for me through so many lame break ups. They always listen, they never pass judgement, and they never say "i told you that guy was a total douche face." So, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank them for not having me committed junior year in high school after I played the song Foolish Games by Jewel over and over again on repeat. I'd also like to thank them for making me realize that when my high school boyfriend said he's not sure he's still in love with me, I shouldn't hang in there to see if he's going to dump me or not. And oh yeah, I'd like to thank them for not calling me an idiot after I spent an entire dinner defending a certain someone's tattoos, only to get blown off by said tattoo guy a week later. Most importantly, I'd like to thank them for not questioning why the bf and I prefer living in sin for now.

Somehow my mom has a breadth of knowledge when it comes to dating advice even though she's never dated anyone in her life. She married my dad in Iran when she was nineteen after they only knew each other for two weeks. They had a sort of progressive "arranged" marriage. They weren't forced to marry each other, but the hope was that they would taking a liking to one another and take the plunge. My dad was twenty-eight when they married and did have the opportunity to sew some wild oats. Enough that growing up he'd subtly chuckle every time I mentioned something nice a boyfriend said about me (he was a big believer in the "guys only want one thing" theory). And while my mom was the person I ran my relationship traumas by first, my dad was always up to speed and always around to bestow some fatherly advice. He even once made me a gin and tonic before I was about to go to dinner with a guy for the first time after he'd blown me off months earlier. My mom is the smartest woman I know who's literally never given me bad advice in my life. And somehow she manages to do it without a trace of condescension. My parents are so cool that one of their kids even got into the habit of waking them up in the middle of the night to get relationship advice. (here's a hint: not me, not my sister).

Another thing about our family: we listened to a lot of ABBA growing up (hey, shut up, we're from Iran--- they were cool there and I consider them to be one of the best pop groups of all time...) Anyway, I remember one time when I was crying over a boy, my mom came into my room to comfort me and called me "chiquitita" (after the ABBA song). Since then, it's always been our song.

So, since last week was my mom's birthday and this weekend is father's day, this post (and this song) is dedicated to all the moms and dads out there who've watched and listened as their kids have bitched and moaned and cried over a failed relationship (even when you all- knowing parents saw it coming from a mile away.) We wouldn't have become the emotionally stable and secure adults we are now without you. Okay, some of us still aren't there, but we promise, we're working on it.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the hidden BLOW OFF

Full Disclosure: I have this nasty habit of hiding people from my Facebook feed.  It's my favorite kind of BLOW OFF--- you don't have to go as far as deleting the person from your friends and they'll never know you could care less about what they're doing on a Saturday night. Unfortunately, my "annoyed" threshold is not very high which means I have a long list of people in my "hide" category.  

Here are the top ten offenses that will guarantee a hidden BLOW OFF:

10.  People who try to bestow inspirational advice with their status updates.   Thanks guys, but if I need a little pick me up with a dash of epiphany, I'll just have a cocktail.

9.  Anything overtly sexual or racist.  This is the reason most of my little college aged cousins have got themselves hid.  My younger brother claims that if there was Facebook when I was twenty, I'd be writing about BJ's too.   I don't think so.  And by the way, 20 is too old to talk about oral sex on a social networking site.  It's only acceptable if you're 16 and under.

8.  Annoying moms and pet owners (not all of you, just a select few).  Yes, your kids and your dogs are cute, but if you talk about them more than anything else, then I just feel kind of sorry for you.

7.  Writing song lyrics in your status update.  Unless it's funny and ironic (i.e. Justin Bieber lyrics) then I don't want to read a line from a Coldplay song just cause you're feeling nostalgic about a girl. And for the record, I love Coldplay.

6. So, we don't know each other that well, but you requested to be my friend.  I politely accepted.  BUT I thought there was an unwritten rule that we don't comment on each other's status updates or photos, because guess what--- we don't know each other that well.  Stop poking me.  You not only just got hid, but you got blocked too.

5.  People who's lives are cooler than mine and/or people who just pretend their lives are cooler than mine.  You know these types--- anytime they're out to dinner with a friend they have to report it on Facebook, because they want people to think they have a rocking social life.

4.  Religious status updates.  Anytime the word "Jesus" shows up on my newsfeed it bugs me out.  I mean, I know if it wasn't for G-O-D we wouldn't have Facebook at all, but if you want to preach your religious beliefs to me, can't you just do it the old fashioned way and ring my doorbell with some bibles?

3. Pretentious status updates.  So, you like obscure movies, filmmakers, and bands.  You listen to NPR.  You like to pretend that perfectly good movies and TV shows are the demise of society.  Ugh.  If you were really that too cool for school, then WTF are you doing on Facebook?

2. Fucking Farmville!  Someone told me I can just hide Farmville from my feed, but to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be friends with people that need virtual bales of hay in their life.

1.  I get it, you're in love, I'm happy for you.  I don't need to hear about how great your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband is.  I also do not care what your engagement ring looks like.  Facebook PDA's make me sick (unless you've been together for 10+ years).  I'll admit, I've been a one or two time offender in this department myself, but I've A. never been cheesy about it and B. realized I don't need to write on my BF's facebook wall to express my love.  And I certainly don't need to make all the single people on Facebook (who want to be in relationships) feel like shit.  I have a theory about you people: things are not as great as they seem.  

Now, before you get too pissy about my rant, I'll chalk up to a few annoying things I do on Facebook.  I write about TV shows entirely too much, but I still post NY times and Huffington Post links so people think I'm smart.  I brag.  I brag about cool things I'm doing and about things I've accomplished. Oh, and I brag about celebrity sightings.  I'm guessing I annoy you all with Blow Off posts.  I write about how sad I am when a famous person dies.  If I'm annoyed by your status updates, I'll make a sarcastic comment.  I "like" things entirely too much.  And I hide people...all the time.  

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

It's not you; it's me. And kind of our dads.

One reason my brother says he doesn't regularly attend church is that he knows how the sausage gets made. Growing up that close to pulpit, preacher's kids (PKs) get an up-close view of the hypocrisy and vitriol that coincide with faith and community in all churches. They also develop a critical eye. Since living in LA, I've visited a new church every Easter and I barely make it out to the car before ripping into the sermon length, praising the choir's hymn choice or bemoaning the lack of organization during communion. It's like seeing a movie with a film student.

The weekend that my parents dropped me off at college, we went to Sunday services at the church right off campus. I had no interest in going to this (or any other) church and their minister didn't help the situation. He reminded me of a televangelist, insincere and empty. He was hocking CDs of his sermons at the back of the church and over lunch I entertained my half-disapproving parents with a litany of complaints about him.

While my rebellion against the idea of church was perfectly natural for a college freshman (and practically mandatory for a PK), I had an extra dollop of anger. My father lost his job that summer. In the midst of dealing with what felt like a massive betrayal ("It's just business" is something you'll never hear in a church; it's always personal) and worrying about my family's future, I headed off to school.

Another state away, I knew few people and was frequently miserable. The morning after a particularly grueling all-nighter, I showed up to a study group punch drunk tired and un-showered. There was a new guy there, but I was loopy exhausted and he registered only as Ben, the new guy who was probably smarter than me.

After heading home and napping, I was surprised to find an email from him. We hadn't actually spoken at the study group and I was sure I'd looked like the walking dead, but there was his email, asking me if I'd like to grab some pizza. I emailed back that I'd already eaten, but suggested we do it another time and gave him my phone number.

And so we started hanging out. He wasn't exactly my type, but he was funny and smart. He walked me home across campus and seemed a little shy, like he thought I was out of his league. I was telling my mother all these cute things over the phone when I casually said his full name. She roared with laughter. Judging from the distinctive last name, she guessed (correctly) that Ben was the son of the wannabe televangelist I'd so gleefully maligned.

Horror quickly turned to something close to relief. As a PK, he was among the only people who might know what it's like when your dad's resignation is demanded by the father of kids you babysit every day after school or when your former Sunday School teacher stares right through you at the grocery store. Who better to understand watching your father get treated like a spiritual punching bag?

Shortly after Ben confirmed that his dad was the minister next door, the whole painful story of my dad's resignation came pouring out of me. And in that flood, Ben knew exactly when to nod, when to laugh and when to just listen.

He even tried to commiserate — he'd had to move during high school when his father took his current post. He'd left his whole life behind and started over. But, Ben noted, he understood because it was a prestigious position. Plus, they bought him a car. Inwardly I bristled at the reminder that his father, someone I found to be slick, shallow and politically savvy, was thriving while my dad was substitute teaching to make ends meet.

It wasn't fair to hold that against Ben, but somewhere deep inside, I did. He took our heart-to-heart as a turning point just as I began to pull away, regretting my vulnerability. Suddenly his cavalier attitude about his straight A's was annoying. His enormous collection of books was douchey. His flippant suggestion that I flash our hornball professor to upgrade my B was insulting.

I started returning his calls by using a quirk in the university phone system to just leave a message. I showed up late to his birthday, dragging along a friend and apologizing that I couldn't stay long. His once-friendly roommates gave me the frosty smiles I reserved for the unreliable jerks my friends were dating. Soon Ben gave up the never-ending game of phone-tag.

Though we rarely ran into each other on campus, I'd feel a strange flare of jealousy when I heard through a professor that he was a talented writer or from a mutual friend that he'd won some English award.  It always took a moment to remember that he wasn't some asshole that let me down; he was a guy who actually understood my 18-year-old pain, and who I chose to punish anyway.

Monday, June 14, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

Another night with my favorite ladies, favorite projector screen and favorite bachelorette.   Our group grew to seven girls this week, while Ali's boyfriends fell to eleven by the end of the show.  Here's our recap:

*We all do a little happy dance when we find out Ali's next one on one date is with Roberto (see pick).  That smile, that butt chin, that whole hot latin lover thing....at least if Ali doesn't pick him, he'd be next in line for the new season of The Bachelor (except I don't think I could handle watching 25 women throw themselves at him.)

*Ali and Roberto get on a helicopter.  Once again, she's totally freaked out, but he squeezes her hand and goes down on her to get her mind off of things.  Okay, totally lying about the squeezing her hand part.  

*They end up on the top of a building where they have to tight rope walk to where they're having dinner on a rooftop across the way.  Roberto leans in and kisses Ali while they're up in the air.  She could fall to her death and she'd die happy.

*We all cheer when we see Ali is finally not wearing a terrible cheesy outfit, but a cute stylish LBD (not sure about the bra strap in the back.  The wardrobe people really couldn't provide her with a backless bra??)

*Roberto and Ali make out on some giant cushion thing on the roof.  She looks and sounds drunk.  Then she gives him the rose.  We all freak out.  

*Lucky D points out that the guys are always just milling about with their shirts off when Ali shows up.  I wonder if they all get waxed together...anyway, Ali arrives to whisk them off on their group date.

*Hmmm, underpass in LA....romantic rooftop dinner.  We think Roberto got the better end of this deal.  Wait, OMG, nevermind--- these guys get their own private concert from the Bare Naked Ladies!!!  Full disclosure: I went to a Bare Naked Ladies concert in high school and I kind of like them BUT as my friends pointed out, these guys might have a serious meth habit.  When did they get so skinny?

*They sing a lame song called "Runaway."  Ali dances around like a freaking cheerleader and we all vomit a little in our mouths.  The guys look like they just won the lottery when they're told they'll be in BNL's new music video.  Poor, BNL.  First a meth habit, now an appearance on The Bachelorette.  How the mighty have fallen.

*The video shoot is beyond ridic.  Ali looks like a straight up ho making out with all these gross guys.  The Weatherman starts crying (I'm not kidding) when he learns he has to kiss Ali on camera.  Things get really awkward when she kisses him instead.  Dear Weatherman, it's 2010, your viewers will support you even after you come out of the closet, we promise.

*Ali and Kirk do their scene and basically dry hump in a bed in front of all the other guys.  There is no way this guy doesn't have a hard on right now.   This is just wrong and embarrassing on so many levels.

*Another rooftop party.  Weatherman embarrasses himself once again when he takes Ali aside and tries to kiss her for real.  Ali's saved by Paul Giamatti, but their alone time is cut out of the show.  We take this as a sign that he's not getting a rose.

*Chris L. another one of our favorites finally tells Ali that his mom passed away and that's why he has her signature tattooed on him.  Tears :(

*Then, out of nowhere, Ali's in a bikini and she takes a dip in the hot tub with hard on guy (AKA Kirk).  They talk about having a connection.   My friends point out that too many guys wear live strong bracelets on their wrist.  It would be fine if it was 2004, but it's not.  It's just not.  Then, just when things get too romantic, Frank does a cannonball in the pool.  Oh, poor Frank.  

*Hard on guy gets the rose that night.  Whatevs, Chris L. poured his heart out and Ali ignores him for generic blondie that looks like the villain from every good 80s movie?  Boring.

*Rated R decides he's going to do something drastic and walks over to Ali's house on crutches.  She pretends she's shocked to see him.  Lucky D accidentally calls him "R Rated" so that will be his new name from now on.

*R Rated shows Ali pictures of his family.  We don't care about him and his stupid inside out T-shirt.  How could Ali be this dumb?!  We have to believe that the producers are telling her exactly who they want her to pick.

*Hunter finds out he gets the next one on one date.  Um, we barely even remembered he was on the show to begin with.  My reality TV savvy tells me the producers told Ali they want to do a one on one date where a guy doesn't get a rose--- pick the dude you're totes not into.  Poor Hunter actually thinks he has a chance.

*Hunter and Ali have the lamest one on one date ever.  Frank got to go to the Hollywood sign, the 24 year old got to go to Vegas, Roberto got a helicopter ride....Hunter gets to go to Ali's house, grill burgers, and drink what appears to be flat soda.  

*SHOCKER: Hunter does not get a rose or a ride home.  Ali ships him off in a cab.  What a cold hearted snake.  Look into her eyes, uh oh, she's been telling lies.

*When I say rose, you say ceremony: Rose.  Ceremony.  We all gush when Ali confides in Roberto about R Rated paying her a visit at her house.  Roberto is shocked and tells the other guys.  Side note, R Rated has been telling everyone in this episode that he would never do anything like that.  The guys confront him and during his on camera interview he pretends to cry.

*WTF.  Why is the 24 year old wearing denim on denim?

*We pause it to see if Roberto is drinking beer or champagne.  He's drinking beer, we all cheer!!!  Oh wait, he's drinking champagne.  That's okay, we love guys that drink champagne.

*Steve decides he needs to take the bull by the horns and get some time with Ali.  He sets up a little picnic.  We think it's adorable and he quickly becomes a frontrunner despite being 4'11". He's embarrassed when he can't get the champagne bottle to open, but we forgive him.

*We are once again stunned when Ali gives out roses.  The weatherman again?  R Rated??  Steve doesn't get a rose after his little picnic?  That cute guy who's name I can't remember is sent home?  Paul Giamatti and the guy with girl hair are still around?  Ali, take a stand, don't let those producers talk you into picking losers just for the sake of good TV.  You're better than that.  Okay, you're not.  But we are and we're sick of the grave injustices that are taking place at every rose ceremony!  

Sadly, I'm missing out on tonight's episode, cause I'm too busy lounging poolside in Vegas, but don't worry--my DVR has my back.  Coming back at you next week, bitches.


Friday, June 11, 2010

the puma bag & the BLOW OFF

I have a theory that break-ups happen in threes. At least that was true for us in the winter/spring of 2005 in New York City. Three close girlfriend's, two in serious relationships, one rekindling an old flame, all single by summer. This is the story of my friend Kayoko's break up and how it involved a puma bag.

The night started out at KGB bar in the east village. Kayoko, her then bf, myself and a few other friends met for drinks. K and her BF seemed like they were as chipper as always. Afterwards, some of us decided to go to a Tribeca Films party, but the two of them opted out and went home. We used to always wonder if things would have played out differently if they stayed out with us.

The next morning, I get a call from Kayoko. She and then boyfriend got into a huge fight and had broken up. I was stunned. Everything seemed great the night before. I remember sitting on a bench with her in Tompkin's Square Park and listening to her recount the details. Kayoko never cries, but that day, the tears were flowing. She even had a roll of toilet paper with her all day to prepare for another tearful onslaught. At the time, I played the role of supportive friend, but I remember thinking my words of comfort might be a waste of my time: this was just a fluke. A fight that turned into a break up and they were going to get back together.

But after some time went by with no contact, Kayoko wanted to get all of her things from her EXbf and give him all the stuff he'd left at her apartment, but she refused to see him or talk to him. I was given the task of being the intermediary. I was fine with it, because when it comes to bad break ups, friends should be willing to do anything to help each other. EXbf and I emailed each other and ended up making the exchange at a subway station. I remember it was the 1,9 somewhere in Tribeca. Maybe Canal Street? The interaction was very brief. I sort of fantasized about having some long emotional talk with the guy to get some insight as to why he'd made the biggest mistake of his life, but no such conversation took place.

All of Kayoko's things fit in the context of his puma bag. So, even in trying to get rid of every reminder of him, he still managed to leave her with something that belonged to him. She wanted nothing to do with the puma bag. I got it in the break up and it remained my dependable gym bag even after I left NY and moved to LA. Years ago, I gave it back to her. It was worn out and had a hole in it and I was gonna throw it out, but she said she might as well keep it. I guess the good news is, time heals all wounds and even though it might take awhile, a puma bag really is just a puma bag.

PS this post was written with Kayoko's permission. I will not post your break up stories without asking first besties.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sex and the Shitty: a BLOW OFF film review

Crazy thing happened at the gym a couple days ago.  I was just working out, minding my own business, when I spotted Michael Patrick King chillin' on the elliptical.  I decided that I could use the leg work and grabbed the machine next to him, then promptly tried to eavesdrop on the conversation he was having with his work out buddy (who I think may have been a former SATC writer...)  Then, I kid you not--- Jodie Foster walks over to say hello to them.  At this point, I basically fell to the floor from my star struck haze.  They were like "hey Jode!" and she was like "hey guys!" She congratulated MPK, but admitted she hadn't seen the movie yet.  I almost interjected and said "Jode, catch it on demand" but instead, I just kept pretending to listen to my Ipod.

I wanted to like Sex and the City 2 so bad.   I drank two cosmos as planned, I came with an open mind and a large group of girlfriends: what could go wrong?  Oh, so much.......

The movie did have some great moments that reminded me why I loved the series (stand outs: Carrie walking into her old apartment to write, Charlotte crying in the pantry from mom-stress, Miranda and Charlotte commiserating about how hard it is to raise kids, Carrie and Aidan seeing each other in Abu Dhabi, etc)  And I actually enjoyed the mundane conflicts between Carrie and Big (I'm so the girl that would be annoyed in the middle of the night after waking up to turn the TV off).  Those are the everyday things you have to deal with in a relationship.  But I had some big issues with the rest of it.   Here were my top ten gripes (don't read if you haven't seen the movie and are planning to):

10.  There was virtually no conflict in the movie and when there was conflict it felt contrived.  Big putting a television in the bedroom could have been a great plot point in a 25 minute episode of the show, but didn't make for enough tension for a 150 minute movie.  

9.  Not enough Aidan.  Apparently, in SATC 2 a kiss really is just a kiss.  Let's not forget that Carrie and Big both have a history of cheating.  It could have been so much more interesting if MPK resurrected their infidelity habits and explored the "once a cheater, always a cheater" issue.  Especially considering what Miranda went through in the first movie.  I would have liked Carrie and Aidan to at least have a little almost sex.

8.  And apparently, when you do kiss another dude, you get rewarded for it with a big fat black diamond ring.  Dude, if Carrie gave Aidan a BJ, she could have gotten a lifetime supply of Manolo's!

7.  Miranda had virtually no story line and while I actually related to the fact that she opted to quit her job, it would have been nice to see her tell off her boss on camera.  I guess that ended up on the cutting room floor to make room for the terrible karaoke scene of the ladies singing "I am Woman."  I would have preferred some Rihanna.  

6.  When the series was funny, it was smart funny.  Slo-mo shots of the nanny's boobies and the menopause jokes were super played out by the time the credits rolled.  

5.  Yofranny was right!  Carrie does have narcissistic personality disorder.  She had to interrupt Charlotte and Miranda's heart to heart and Samantha's bath just to talk about her kiss with Aidan? Dude, Carrie.  Shut the fuck up.

4.  I'm a middle easterner who's not easily offended and has my own issues with the Islamic religion (particularly because I find it to be oppressive to women), but I was offended by this movie.  SATC was groundbreaking in its time, and while its commentary on the sexes through the years was great, its political commentary in this movie was pretty insensitive.  Yes, I get it, it's hard to eat french fries while you're wearing a burka, but do you really need to throw in a shot of a giant erection in the foreground and an appalled muslim couple in the background? And the Muslim women tearing off their burka's to flaunt their designer clothing was ridiculous.  The only character with any depth in Abu Dhabi was Carrie's butler and as it turned out, he was from India.

3.  Not enough sex!  There were only two sex scenes in the whole movie with Samantha and if I remember correctly, both were blocked the same way.  Why not a scene of Charlotte and Harry trying to have sex, while the kids are crying?  Or Carrie and Big having hot make up sex?  

2.  I'm all for a little escapism in the midst of an economic crisis, but the opulence in the movie felt tacky by the end.  Do the girls really need to change their outfits three times in one scene where they're riding camels?  Why does Carrie wear cocktail dresses and high heels on a random weeknight at home (I'm over you Pat Fields.)  Why do they each need their own butler and their own luxury car when they get to Abu Dhabi?  And why the fuck is the tension in the third act really RE: whether the girls will make it in time to the airport--- not so they won't miss their flight--- but so they won't be bumped from first class?

1.  What I really wanted to ask MPK on the elliptical was whether he'd consulted or collaborated with the team of writers he had during the series while penning the sequel.  That's the great thing about TV: there's a writer's room with a breadth of experiences and ideas.  My guess is, he totally blew them off.  I hope next time they bring back the female voices, because without them I felt like the authenticity factor was completely absent.  

Okay, I'm done bitching.  Hopefully, the silver lining here is that they'll have to make a third installment of the movie to make up for the crappiness of the sequel.   Cause note to MPK and SJP: we don't care what the ladies are wearing, we care about what they're thinking and feeling.  And oh yeah, we care about who they're fucking.  

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

the insulting BLOW OFF

The only thing worse than getting dumped by someone you’re totally and completely into is getting dumped by someone you could give a flying fuck about.

We’ve all been in those relationships. Where you can’t really tell if you’re into the person but you wait it out because they look good on paper or your friends like them. Deep inside, you know they aren’t the one, but it’s companionship, someone to talk to, a person to share a bottle of wine. And just when you think, “I can make this work — after all, it’s better than being single,” they drop the bomb. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

You don’t think this is going to work? You? What about me? I knew from the beginning.

I know. It sounds terrible. And it’s also happened to me exactly like that three times.

I know what you’re thinking. Who makes that kind of mistake three times? Who thinks so highly of themselves that they would actually believe they’re the only one having doubts in the relationship and the other person is completely and totally devoted to making it work.

Me. Guilty.

The first time I stuck around for a dog.

Winston. I loved that thing. His owner refused to trim his bangs so every once in a while he’d go chasing after a bird and run into a chair. Borderline abusive, yes… but cute nonetheless.

I found myself eager to hang out with this guy, but every time I showed up at his house, I offered him a quick peck on the cheek and a half hug on my way to play fetch with the dog, pet the dog, cuddle with the dog.

Let’s face it… I was dating the dog.

The guy was good — cute, smart, funny. But we just didn’t have that click.

I clicked with the dog, though. I wanted that dog. And so, I ignored my gut, and was “completely shocked” a month later when he told me things just weren’t going to work.

“Can I still see the dog?” I asked on my way out the door.

Yeah — didn’t go over too well.

The second time, I stuck around because the guy had a sense of adventure, liked to drop everything at the last minute and get out of town for a weekend and was completely and totally hot.

What can I say — I was smitten.

The excitement wore off about three weeks during a discussion about health care. “I know I should be interested, but I just don’t see how it relates to me,” was the exact quote he used. I tried to get past it. After all, who needs brains when you’ve got beauty?

I need brains. We basically stopped talking. But we kept “hanging out.” I don’t know if it was the trips, the sex, the excitement or the fact that both of my best friends were out of town on business that month, but even when the dates reached a heightened level of boredom I’ve never experienced before or since, I stuck it out.

Apparently I wasn’t all that interesting either… he dumped me, via text.

I was so embarrassed; I took the high road and texted back… “Who is this?”

Not my finest hour.

The third time was the worst. We literally had nothing in common. He knew it, I knew it, and he knew I knew it. But we still hung out. I remember one night I nodded in and out of consciousness on his sofa while he installed a surround sound system. What a romantic. I then spent the night as we alternated between cuddling because it seemed like the right thing to do and trying to pretend like either one of us had a shot in hell of sleeping.

In the morning, when it was clear neither one of us had enjoyed the evening much, we agreed to do it again the following weekend. God I’m smart.

The weekend came, I gave him a ring, no answer. I tried again a few hours later, and then a few hours after that. No answer. Three days later, I got a call. “I came to the conclusion we’re not a good match, but I wasn’t quite sure how to tell. I didn’t want to hurt you so I ignored your calls.”

Wow. I’d officially been blown off by a guy I didn’t even find interesting, only to repeatedly call him out of some need to prove to myself I was worthy of a call back and, in the process, made him think I totally dug him. I’d actually convinced the guy he was going to hurt me by blowing me off.

That did it. That time it stuck. No more chasing men I’m not into just so I could have someone to kick it with.

That’s the month I got Netflix, started hiking again, and toyed around with the idea of getting a Winston of my own. It’s amazing how much you do when you don’t care whether or not you have anyone to do it with.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

the date spot and the hate spot

The 80s band Naked Eyes said it best with the lyrics: "I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me, and every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be.  Well, how can I forget you, girl?  When there is always something there to remind me."  Truer words have never been spoken!  How do we move on from getting blown off when the bars and restaurants and cafes and movie theaters we once perused with our ex-sig other are still there to taunt us?

This is why I like living in LA.  I've dated the same person since I moved here and so far he hasn't blown me off.  There is not a single place in this town that makes me feel nostalgic for an ex.  That said, if things with the bf ever went awry, I would either have to move or burn this entire mother-effing city down.  Cause there would be painful reminders of happier times all the way from Echo Park to Venice Beach.

The painful reminders do wear off eventually.  I dated a guy in NY that broke my little heart (not you, Evan.  You never took me out on a proper date) and I was back there a couple months ago and didn't have any visceral reactions to old spots we'd been to.   Being in love with someone else is the best armor in the face of those failed relationship monuments....but I'll admit, I still felt a little pang of sympathy for my twenty-three year old self who got the wind knocked out of her every time she walked up Avenue A.  

Now, if you don't want to be like me and wait 5-7 years to have the strength to walk by that old sidewalk cafe, here's an alternative: Get fifty of your friends together and write some really really shitty Yelp reviews.  I mean, how long can a place with a two star average survive before it goes out of business?  It might be a drastic solution, but that's the price those fuckers have to pay for being a great "date spot."  Cause all it takes to go from date spot to hate spot is one lousy blow off.  


Monday, June 7, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

So, I'm getting together again with my favorite bachelorettes tonight to watch everyone's favorite reality show.  Um, Ali was actually in my dream the other night... how pathetic is that? I was hanging out with a bunch of guy friends and they were all super enamored with her and I was super annoyed.  Anyway...here's my recap on episode two.  Recap on tonight's show will be coming at you soon.  

*Yay, Ali looks like herself again.  She's wearing a bright yellow tank top, her signature low top converse, and her hair is in a cute braid.  She's pretty much a ray of sunshine.

*She's having her first one on one date with Frank who of course is creepishly excited.  They get to drive around in a super cool convertible and Ali's driving-- cause that's the kind of girl she is.  She is woo-wooing a bit too much for my taste, but for now, I'm willing to ignore it.

*Then, the craziest thing happens!  They are on the freeway and the car breaks down...!!! Can you believe it?!?!?  What are the chances?!  Oh man, I miss the days when  I could watch reality TV shows without picking out which moments were completely staged and scripted.

*Ali suggests they just leave the car and run to their date!  Damn, she is so spontaneous and low maintenance.   Most girls would call Triple A, but not Ali.

*Frank is practically foaming at the mouth when people come up to Ali on Hollywood Blvd and ask her for her autograph.  Boyfriend totally wants to be famous.  

*Okay, Frank and Ali end up getting to hike to the Hollywood sign where they share their first kiss.  This is actually kind of cool, especially since Frank is a famous screenwriter living in Paris.  Actually, it turns out, he lived in Paris for only one month and now he's the manager of a retail store while he tries to write.  I can respect that, but Ali looks like he just told her he goes from one third world country to the next operating on cleft palates.  They kiss some more, while I get grossed out.  

*Group date!  Ali's all about charitable causes so the guys are going to shoot a Bachelorette calendar.   The show gives no details on what the charity is or why anyone would want a Bachelorette calendar, but you can purchase yours here for $24.95 (per the website, $3 goes to Global Green).   Ali is woo-wooing so much at the group date that it's making me want to smack her.  No one is this perky unless they are on coke.

*The guys have to wear really stupid outfits for the calendar (making it that much more of a money maker for "charity").  I start to feel for the weatherman here, because he thinks he has chicken legs and really doesn't want to wear a speedo.  It's nice to know that some dudes are as insecure about their bodies as us ladies are.  Weatherman actually looks okay in the speedo.  

*One of the guys starts playing guitar and singing for Ali.  Again, she stares at him with complete and total amazement.  Is she really falling for this?  It's the oldest trick in the book.    

*The group date progresses.   Guitar guy tells Ali he's been married before.  She looks like she just found out he has herpes, but she's nice to him and even gives him a rose.  

*The weatherman interrupts, because he decides he needs to warn Ali about Craig.  He tells Ali that Craig is "dangerous."  The Craig/Weatherman conflict in this episode is extremely awesome.  These two should be in a buddy movie gone bad called Craig and the Weatherman.  Frank can write the screenplay.  Ali thanks the weatherman for the 411.

*Ali has her next one on one date with the 24 year old.  Um, this guy totally got a better date than Frank.  They take a private plane to Vegas.  OMG!  Ali's afraid of flying and I'm afraid of flying.  Now, I like love her!!

*They get to Vegas and there's a Ferrari waiting for them and of course, Ali gets to drive, because she's that hot.

*Ali and the 24 year old get the star treatment in Vegas.  A pool all to themselves and a super nice suite.  the 24 year old is hot, but he's got douche bag tattoos and doesn't really seem to have much of a personality.  Plus, I just can't get with guys who don't like oysters.

*Ugh, Ali is wearing yet another evening gown that doesn't fit her right and was made for a prom queen in Texas circa 1994.

*Back at the house, things are getting really tense between weatherman and Craig.  First, Craig wears weatherman's terrible white jacket and makes hard core fun of him.  Weatherman looks like he might cry.  I kind of feel bad for him, but it's also kind of hilarious.

*It's the night of the rose ceremony now and the guys are trying to get as much time with Ali as possible.  She has a cute moment with Chris L.  (the guy from the Cape).  He's super nervous and awkward around her, but it's endearing.  I heart him.  

*Speech impediment guy tries to get some time with Ali, but stupid Frank has to interrupt them.  Frank starts telling Ali that he already feels like she's his girlfriend.  Whoa, Frank, way to play hard to get.

*Finally, the moment I've been waiting for.  Ali and Roberto get some alone time and play catch in the driveway.  Now, I'm feeling really insecure.  Ali and I might share a fear of flying, but i'm just not the kind of girl that can confidently drive a ferrari and catch a baseball.  I'm such a loser compared to her.  

*Then, something shocking happens.  Ali blabs to Craig that somebody in the house told her he was dangerous (after she promised weatherman she wouldn't say anything.  Nice one, Fedotowsky).  Craig confronts all the guys in the house and weatherman does a terrible job of denying he said it.   Okay, now I don't feel sorry for weatherman at all, he's a huge dork and I want him off my TV screen.  Now.

*My favorite favorite part of the show is when Ali looks at all the framed photos of the guys right before the rose ceremony.  

*Chris Harrison appears and proves that he has the greatest job on TV.  All he does is stand there and watch Ali hand out roses.  

*Ali has to get rid of three guys.  I'm shocked at some of the guys that get roses.  The slightly cuter version of Paul Giamatti?  The guy with girl hair?  Rated R?  THE WEATHERMAN?!?! Craig does not get a rose and the weatherman practically creams himself.  Sigh.  I'll miss Craig. He was slightly off, but he had good hair and he caused drama.  

I cannot wait to see what happens tonight.  Who will get a rose?  Who will stick their tongue down Ali's throat?  Will she wear another prom dress?  How many times will she "woo-woo"? The suspense is killing me.  

Friday, June 4, 2010

pop culture BLOW OFF of the day: it's hard to find people who will love you no matter what.

I'm finally going to see SATC 2 with some girlfriends tonight and I'm terrified of all the horrendous reviews the movie has been getting.  Even people who's opinion I trust hated it.  So, I've decided I'm going to watch it with an open mind and after drinking two cosmos.  The series was just so great and such a big part of my twenties and living in New York that I hate to think of it being tainted.  I also really resent how much guys ridicule the show and I don't want them to be right about it sucking.  Then, I heard yesterday that the next movie was going to be the prequel that Candace Bushnell just published (the Carrie Diaries) and that none other than Miley Cyrus is vying to play Carrie.  Holy fucking Manolo.  What has the world come to?   

Let's just focus on when the franchise wasn't really a franchise yet and when the show was still good....in honor of Aidan being in the sequel, below is Aidan and Carrie's first break up.  Also, I found this amazing montage of clips set to a Michael Bolton song, that I highly recommend watching after.  

this American BLOW OFF

I don't listen to NPR as often as I should, but when I'm stuck in LA traffic and my radio dial lands on 89.3, I instantly feel smarter, happier, and prettier.   Okay, maybe just smarter.  Plus, when you catch something amazing by chance on the radio, you somehow feel like you were meant to hear it.  Well, a couple years ago, I heard the first part of a This American Life episode devoted to break-ups (and aptly titled "Break-Up.")   

Writer Starlee Kine is going through a painful break up and decides that in order to make herself feel better, she's going to write her very own break up song.  So, she goes to the expert: Phil Collins.  It's one of the most honest exchanges about break ups I've ever heard and has just the right balance of vulnerability and humor.  I highly recommend listening to the entire episode here, (plus, how can you resist her adorable voice?)  or click below for part one entitled "Dr. Phil."  Word is, they're even developing this into a movie...

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Narcissistic Personality BLOW OFF

It probably wasn’t a good idea to cap off my holiday weekend, which started with the depressingly disappointing “Sex and the City 2”, with back-to-back episodes of “Real Housewives of New York” on demand. As a huge fan of the SATC series and a generally harsh movie critic besides, I didn’t expect “The Godfather” but I did expect to see the characters I know and love behave somewhat like the complex human beings they used to be. Instead, I saw unapologetic self-centered, self-indulgent behavior that was mostly painful to watch. Halfway through the movie I was so bored I started texting my boyfriend to see what he wanted for dinner. 

Then on Sunday I decided it was a good idea to watch some “Real Housewives” since I had missed most of the season. It was more entertaining than SATC2, but even more disturbing. I have no psychological training or particular knowledge on the subject, but watching those ladies (Bethenny excluded – she seems not to be mentally ill) the words “narcissistic personality disorder” kept coming to mind. And I remembered a psychiatrist friend of mine saying that she would happily deal with bi-polar and depressed patients all day long than ones with personality disorders, because at least the former can be treated and the latter were pretty hopeless. This would explain SO much about Kelly and Jill and Ramona’s behavior! This would explain why Carrie can’t stop playing the petulant victim even in her 40s! They can’t help themselves! So I headed to wikipedia for a definition to confirm:

“[A] pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy."

Oh. Hell. Yes. This does explain everything. Carrie has a mild case, but those Housewives – is it a requirement to be cast on that show? Just when I thought I couldn’t stand to watch another delusional, self-congratulatory Housewives meltdown. Just when I thought Jill in a skating costume doing an ice skating solo at her gross holiday party was beyond my comprehension. Carrie acting like a TV in the bedroom is the worst thing EVER in the history of the world? Now I get it. Now I understand. This is like some sort of slick, twenty-first century cautionary tale. I watch on my TV so when I see it in the world I know to run very quickly in the opposite direction. Who needs medical school when you have wikipedia and reality TV?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

the professional BLOW OFF: idump4u.com

One of our faithful readers sent me an article awhile back on idump4u.com, a service created by a guy named Brad who offers to "take the messiness out of any break up." In other words, for a mere $10, Brad will break up with your gf/bf for you! Of course, if you're asking him to break up an engagement, that'll cost you a little more ($25) and a divorce call is even more than that ($50). The extra salt in the wound is free: Brad posts all the break up calls on youtube.

I was intrigued by Brad and his business, so I sent him an email to see if we could do a little interview with him for the blow off. He responded right away and asked what I had in mind. At first, I suggested he let me break up with someone for him, but he didn't go for that. So, then a few weeks ago, I sent him some interview questions. Brad said he was fighting a cold, but after he felt better he'd respond. Well, guys, I think Brad blew me off, cause I never heard back (even after I followed up with him). I mean, the least the guy could have done is hired someone to call me and tell me he didn't have time to do the interview. I guess Brad takes the "avoid" route when it comes to his own blow offs.  But maybe he's just been really busy with dumping people and maybe there's still hope that he'll get back to me (a girl can dream, right?)

Anyway, Brad calls himself an asshole on his site, but maybe he's doing some good in the world. I mean, who wants to get depressed over someone that doesn't even have the balls or ovaries to break up with them on their own?  And according to Brad, guess who mostly uses his service? Girls.  My one complaint is I'm not sure how legit his site actually is.  After listening to some of the calls, they just sound really fake to me.  Take a listen to the below and see what you think.