Friday, July 30, 2010

the junior high BLOW OFF

So, Ellen Degeneres is leaving American Idol after one season, because she basically couldn't deal with not being the most popular girl in school. And I get it, she kind of sucked as a judge. But now that she's jumped ship, I kind of feel bad for her, 'cause I can sort of relate to Ellen---- I went through the same thing at a place way worse than American Idol. JUNIOR HIGH.

I was so good at grade school. I had a lot of friends, only a few zits, and I was student body President. I even had a boyfriend. Life was good. Life was great. But it all came crashing down when I started seventh grade. I ended up going to a different junior high than my grade school friends, because their junior high didn't feed into the high school my sister was attending. And I wanted to be just like my sister. (Still do, what up!) I figured it would be easier to make the transition as "new girl" early, so that once I got to high school, I'd be bonded with all my new classmates.

Well, that turned out to be a giant mistake. I went from being super cool to dorky outcast at my new junior high school. Suddenly, my color coordinated Gap Kids outfits weren't a hit. (Matching plaid blazer, matching headband. I was the Blair Waldorf of my generation and so ahead of my time). I had also grown a uni-brow over summer vacation and had a lot more zits. My parents actually had a rule that uni-brows couldn't be plucked till the age of fifteen. I guess it was some weird Iranian rite of passage, but I think it was actually their sure proof way of making sure we stayed virgins (and it worked).

Anyway, my only other friend was also Iranian so we sported uni's together. But she wasn't in any of my classes and we barely got to see each other. Then, I made friends in my art class with this guy that was mentally handicapped who decided to follow me around every single day. I wouldn't have a problem with this now, but full disclosure: when you're 12, have a uni-brow, zits, a wardrobe from Gap Kids (mainly because you can't fit into the clothes at the regular gap), and a mentally handicapped boy thinks you're dating, it's not exactly the best way to acclimate with other junior high school kids.

I came home and cried every day for a week and told my mom how much I missed my friends at my old school. When week two of school started, I got called into the principal's office and my mom was there...they told me to clean out my locker and return all my textbooks...I was being transferred to the other junior high. I was kind of shocked. Yes, I was one move away from gassing myself in the garage, but I didn't actually think my mom would switch me out of school when I hadn't asked her to. I felt a little guilty. Was I blowing off this school too soon? Should I have been sticking it out longer? Especially after going through all of 6th grade bragging about going to a cooler junior high than everyone else? I was a total failure. I went from class to class returning my text books during third period. My math teacher had 8th graders during third and when I walked in they all started chanting "SEVY, SEVY, SEVY!!!!" (The derogatory term for seventh grader). I was mortified and so happy I was getting the fuck out of there.

Things didn't exactly get easier at the other junior high. After being there for a week, my best friend from 6th grade picked a fight with me, started crying, and said I'd been a bitch to her since I got there. I swear I hadn't. And somehow, she'd already become best friends with the rest of the school, so I became known as "the girl who made Sally cry." To make matters worse, Sally and I lived near each other and her mom gave me a ride home everyday. After our fight, I had to start taking the bus. Sally and I eventually made up, but we were never best friends again. I didn't realize that my problem wasn't the junior high I went to---- it was that junior high kids are fucking assholes. Eighth grade wasn't much better. I had a perpetual zit on my forehead and all the guys said I was married to Gandhi. Let me rephrase, junior high kids are racist fucking assholes.

So, my experience is a lot like Ellen on American Idol. She went from being a fan fave on her own talk show, to being the new kid on a singing competition who no one really cared about. The only difference between what she went through and what I went through is that no one paid me millions of dollars to go to 7th grade. Cry me a river, Degeneres, cry me a river.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

the BLOW OFF cure: WWJND?

NYC has been my oyster this week...despite the heat, the humidity, my frizzy hair, and that stinky summer garbage scent, I remember why I once loved living here. I still heart Cali, but let's be honest, LA is just so three hours ago. Anyway, the best thing about being on the right coast the last couple of days has been mining some pretty awesome BLOW OFF stories. New Yorkers just tend to be a little more candid about getting fucked over (and fucking people over.)

The other night, I had the opportunity to go out to dinner and drinks with a rare breed in Manhattan: a straight single guy in his late twenties. These days, the only straight guys I hang out with are either related to me or living with, it was more than just a little eye opening to hear a new dude's point of view on dating.

I learned so much.

I got enough material for at least five blog posts, but here's the first one I'd like to impart on the three to five dudes that read this site. My straight male friend told me that he's got a new perspective on how to deal with the highs and lows of life, love, and everything in between. He asks himself one question:

What Would Jack Nicholson Do?

In my opinion, this is a revelation. Seriously. Pretend you just got blown off by a girl you're into and you're kind of bummed out about it. Instead of moping around just say "WWJND?" He wouldn't sulk, he wouldn't beg, he wouldn't listen to Coldplay.

He'd man up, forge ahead, and go to a Laker's game. You get the point. Jack Nicholson is a bad ass. And you too can survive a blow off by simply channeling him.

It got me thinking, what's the straight girl version of WWJND? Meryl Streep? hmmmm, no--- I feel like she would just bake cookies or knit. Angelina Jolie? Negatory. Brad Pitt is totally pussy whipped, he'll never blow her off. Ali Fedotowsky? hahahah, totally kidding. Betty White? Nope, too easy.

Fuck it. I'm sticking to Jack. He can be the the blow off cure for men and women all over the world.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

the men tell all BLOW OFF

Okay, so I haven't actually watched the Men Tell All show on TV--- BUT I was there for the taping so here's my behind the scenes recap on the show.

*First, before I left the house, my bf asked me if I was taking my bathing suit. Uh, why would I take my bathing suit to the Men Tell All taping? It turned out he thought I was going to the Bachelor Pad to hang out at the pool for the day. LOL. I would NEVER do that...before getting a spray tan, hair extensions, and a boob job.

*We were told to report to the studio in Burbank at 12noon on a Saturday. It was me, MB (my old-co worker at ABC), and Achoochu (the hostess of the weekly Bachelorette screenings). It felt like it was about 100 degrees in Burbank that day and I'd had a couple mimosas before we after we stood in line for about 45 minutes to fill out releases, I thought there might be a chance I'd faint and get carried away on a stretcher before we'd actually get to the taping.

*Just when the heat hallucinations came on, we went through metal detectors (in case any of us planned to assassinate Ali) and were taken to a holding room for about another hour. At this point, I was sweating more than Roberto in Tahiti.

*By 230pm, we were snacking on baby carrots (thanks Achoochu!) and ushered into the studio. We got to watch the Tahiti episode in advance and see Frank break Ali's heart! I kept telling myself not to react to anything, because I didn't want an embarrassing cut away of myself on TV, but how could I not throw up on myself and everyone in front of me during the Frank/Nicole pow wow?!

*Then, we got a twenty minute lesson on how to clap, cheer, awww, clap some more, cheer some more, awwww some more. I have a new found respect for television audiences after this experience. It's no joke, people!

*Chris Harrison came out next and did a bunch of intros and outros or whatever they're called. He seems like such a cocky bastard. He was actually kind of nice, but you know when you can just tell someone is a jack ass? I mean, buddy, get over yourself-- you're the host of the worst television show of all time! I hate to say it, but something about him screamed "I just stuck it in the bachelorette back stage."

*Then we watched this pre-taped interview between Chris and Ali...uh, wtf is this bullshit? It's almost 4pm, isn't Ali coming on the show? Why can't you just ask her all this stuff in person?

*OMG, I love that Roberto almost nailed Ali with the champagne cork in the outtakes. You know that was totally on purpose. He was probably like "still feel like being perky you annoying beeotch?" How hot would it be if Ali had to wear an eye patch for the rest of the season and talk like a pirate?

*The best part of this taped piece is when Ali has no recollection of putting on the astronaut helmet on her museum date with Casey. Um, of course she doesn't. She's a BOOZER. At this point, I'm more convinced than ever that we are attending a taping of A & E's Intervention.

*The guys FINALLY come out!!! Wait, there's only 14 of them??? Where are the other ten guys? And who are some of these dudes? There's at least four guys that got kicked out in the first episode. hmmmm....isn't this called the men tell ALL not the men tell ALL about what happened the first and only night they were in the house?.

*Hold the fuck up. Rated R isn't here? Craig Dangerous isn't here? Frank the skank isn't here? No, you didn't ABC. Do they seriously not make them commit to being at the Men Tell All in writing before the season even starts to tape?

*Wait, none of them are holding letters they've written to Ali about her drinking problem. Damn. I guess this isn't A& E's Intervention.

*Basically, for the next three hours, we end up listening to the guys talk ad nauseum about the same stuff over and over again. The three of us are "in the know" on the tv biz, so we realized this was to make sure they got all the right sound bites and stuff, but after awhile I wondered if the whole thing was some giant human experiment to see which one of us would crack, rush the stage, and kick Chris Harrison in the balls. I mean, do we really need to talk for an hour about whether Craig Dangerous is really dangerous? Or what a jerk Rated R is? Or that Casey is fucking nuts? Or that Kirk got screwed over by Frank? Right about now, the show was more like THE MEN NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

*So, here's what I learned about the guys that you may have not seen on TV. A select few of them are totally besties which I thought was really cute. You can kind of tell they didn't really care about the Ali part of the show as much as just hanging out in the house and being dudes together and talking about their ex-girlfriends.

*Chris N actually talks a lot! And he's a lot cuter in person. Now, I get why he stuck around so much.

*Jesse (AKA the 24 year old) is HOT. (duh.)

*Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) is the best dressed and the most articulate. But the dude LOVES to hear himself talk. They could not get this guy to shut up.

*Casey is a lot more endearing in person. He was pretty self deprecating and basically admitted to being a nut job. "guard and protect your heart" was def the most overused line of the show.

*The Weatherman is just as annoying as he was on the show. But some weird part of me wanted to cuddle with him.

*All the guys are potty mouths! Every other word they said was either fuck, shit, asshole, etc. Weatherman even said "cunt" in one of the taped packages when he was talking about Craig Dangerous!

*The Outdoorsman from Alaska or Colorado or wherever it snows is the BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG ever. He kept talking, not making sense, Chris Harrison wanted to smack him. I wanted to smack him. Honestly, I think he might have a slight mental handicap.

*All the guys are meant to be with Ali, because they are total boozers. They kept getting breaks in between segments and when they came back they were rowdier and more belligerent. Especially Kirk who got butt naked at one point and ran around the studio screaming "taxidermy rules!"

*Kirk then said about five hundred times that he's pissed at Frank, because if it weren't for him he would have gotten laid on the Fantasy Suite date. He kept saying that "a lot can change or happen on a fantasy suite date." Basically, he was one multiple orgasm away from getting engaged to Ali.

*At around 7pm (after 7 hours of being at the studio) Ali still isn't on stage! Instead, the show decides to bring in that chick whose name I can't remember who was on The Bachelor last season who spilled the beans on R Rated. At this point, we're all hungry, exhausted, freezing cold, and have heard them bitch about R Rated for a good two hours. Is this segment really necessary? This chick is SO happy to get some air time though and the sounds of 14 erections ripple through the audience when she steps out on stage.

*Then, Chris Harrison decides it's the perfect time to take questions and comments from the audience. My favorite is the girl that says something about how R Rated isn't even here, so he's not only a liar but a coward too. "I mean, who does that?" she says. Girl--- I effing hate you! We've been here for almost eight hours, and now we just wasted 2o seconds on your dumb comment! This is like when you're dying to get out of a work meeting or a class in college and people won't stop talking or asking questions. I mean, who does that?!

*Okay, it' now 8:30...we've been here for almost 9 hours and Ali isn't even on stage!!! It wouldn't be that big of a deal except we are being kept without food and water and we need to fight our way to get pee breaks. This is worse than Abu Ghraib folks!

*I end up leaving in a panic before Ali comes out after driving my poor friends crazy, cause I'm worried about being late to a 930 screening of Inception. (Not the best movie to watch after nine hours at the Men Tell All taping.)

*Huge thanks to my girl MB for taking me as her guest to the screening. Yeah, it was a long day, but overall, it was a blast. I got to see some of my fave exiled boys in person (Paul Giamatti, Weatherman, Guard Protect Heart Guy, Moldy Kirk, Ty who is not cool enough for a funny nickname, and the 24 year old.) AND I got a free Bachelorette T-Shirt!!!!!!

*So, I watched what I missed in studio on Hulu. I was a little scared for Ali when she came out. I'm getting Heidi Montag vibes post season one on The Hills. Ali's just looking blonder and bustier and cheesier every time we see her. Next thing we know, she's going to have Double G boobs and hosting Vegas pool parties!

*The interactions between Ali and the dudes are minimal at best. Casey sings a song which is kind of funny, but kind of tired. I totally get single girl vibes the whole time from Fedotowsky.

*My friends who stuck around at the taping later told me that when they showed the packages on Roberto and Chris L, all the guys cheered loudest for Chris L. (for all you non-TV folks, a package is the taped clips segments, it is not a penis!) I heart Chris L, but why no love for Roberto? Is it cause of the butt chin? the sweating problems? He didn't have his papers on him and they think he's in the country illegally? Okay, okay, before you freak out on me, I'm allowed to make illegal immigrant jokes because....let's just say I've spent a fair amount of time at the INS.

*Holy Hell Yes. The preview for Bachelor Pad looks awesome! People making out on sports cars, girls crying, the most overused reality TV line ever ("we are not friends"), JESSE, CRAIG DANGEROUS??? I am so there!!!

*Okay, peeps. Next week is the Tahiti finale and although I'm still reeling from seeing that Ali's parents are human and not wolves (although, if it had been a full moon in Tahiti, it would have been a game changer) I'm still pretty sure Ali ends up "choosing herself." Especially since the guys said they always felt like Frank was the front runner and that he was the only guy Ali would talk to/kiss between takes. Shit, I can't wait for After the Final Rose!!!!

*PS Did anyone else read that E from Entourage approached Ali while she was eating dinner at Dan Tana's? They're totally fucking.

Anyway, I can't believe there's only one more episode left (and one more blog post). I can honestly say, my life will never be the same without Ali Fedotowsky. That perky laugh, the fake hair, the bright yellow clothing, the way she can drive a sports car, the helicopter rides, the prom dresses, the loose braids and the converse, the boozing, the Bare Naked Ladies video....Sigh. Now that I've known a world with Ali how will I ever live in one without her?

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Editor of This Blog Blew Us Off Blow Off

It's Bachelorette night, and ordinarily, I'd be the spoken for gay guy sandwiched in between a whole bunch of straight girls who don't much care for Ali and her whiny ways — and care for that loser Frank that dropped her last week even less.

But tonight, alas, it's down to two Bachelorette viewers. Myself, who just started watching two weeks ago after two too many glasses of wine and the promise of promiscuous sex and TV tears, and Achoochu, who is currently cooking us up a mean meal.

One of the girl gaggle has strep throat — which SUCKS! Saaara, who edits this blog and on a typical Monday would be sitting on the Choochu couch blogging up a storm at this point, is 3,000 miles away somewhere on the east coast, leaving us to spew volatile comments at this Bachelorette chick on our own. No running commentary. No play by play recaps from her diligent notes. With any luck, we'll get to read over her thoughts on this blog in the morning, but for right now, we're own our own.

Thanks a lot.

Like I'd be into this shit if it wasn't for you girls. Blown off for sickness and a summer vaca. I see how it is. You people lure me into this Bachelorette trap, suck me back into my days of consoling sorority girls over tacos after a frat party gone awry, and then as soon as I'm hooked, you leave, one by one. It's like "Ten Little Indians," only at the end, nobody dies. They just win a honeymoon to Tahiti, land on the cover of OK! Magazine and, six months later, break up on The Wendy Williams Show in some tragic display of emotion that makes even me want to hurl my television set through the window.

I hate you for blowing me off in the eleventh hour... the penultimate episode. I would have been just fine on my own watching episodes of "Rupaul's Drag U," but oh no. Now I'm honorary straight girl, addicted to this loser like crack cocaine.

This sucks. And it hurts.

And it's starting so Achoochu and I are taking our Tandori chicken and hitting the couch.

Wise S*#% my Mom Says....

In case you guys don't read the post comments, I just had to share the one Sho Sho (AKA my mom) posted on the We Word. This is heavy stuff. It made me realize that I kind of need to blow off my cynical side and rediscover the romantic side I had as a pre-teen. Mom, I love you. You rule.

"I think the purpose of being with someone who we love is to become us or we instead of I, I know it might sound sad, but even if we live together happily ever after and forever, down the road one of us will blowoff the other by just dying, so from an older and hopefully wiser person to the young readers of the blowoff, just say the word 'we' as much as you can, because you never know when it is going to be I again"

Shoreh Saedi, 2010

BLOW OFF song of the day: You Lost Me by Christina Aguilera

Dear Satan,

Please buy my soul, so I can sing like Christina Aguilera.


"And we had magic, and this is tragic."
-Christina Aguilera, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

the WE word

There are people in relationships and then there are people in "welationships." The latter are couples that use the "we" word way too often. You know, you ask your friend what she's doing for the weekend and she responds with "we're going to the beach, then we're having dinner with friends, and we're probably gonna see a movie." Oh, right. There is no I in We. And when you're dating someone there is no "I" in your vocabulary either.

I went from being chronically single to being in a long term relationship and because of that I've got some residual guilt I'm still dealing with. So, as a coping mechanism, I've tried really hard to not participate in the kind of behavior that annoyed me about couples when I was single. Like never flying solo or making plans without each other OR being a Cling-on OR constantly gushing about being in love. I even try to say "Bryon and I" as much as possible instead of saying "We." Kayoko and I were actually just bitching about how much we (oops) hate the "we" syndrome. Which is why I was horrified yesterday when my friend Jake emailed to see if Bryon and I were around this weekend to go to a comedy show. Here was my response:

Damn! That sounds really fun, but we're heading up to Pennsylvania to see Bry's parents, then we're in NY all through the next week. We're gonna be around for pretty much all of august so get ready to hang out with us a lot. PS I'm sorry I used "we" so much in this email. I'm not that girl!

I'm so ashamed. I am that girl! What do you think, readers? Is the "we" word as offensive and BLOW OFF worthy as I think it is or is it just semantics? Comment below!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

the bestie BLOW OFF

I used to wish that we could break up with friends the same way we break up with the people we're dating. Via text message or email. Okay, fine-- even face to face would be fine. You call your friend, tell them you need to talk. You meet somewhere for coffee or drinks and then you break it to them gently: this isn't working anymore. The only difference would be omitting the "hope we can still be friends" portion of the conversation.

We all have friendships that have run their course or have dragged on too long, but there is a certain societal expectation that friendships should last a lifetime, even if what you bonded over in 8th grade isn't necessarily what you still share twenty years later. Unfortunately, breaking up with a friend is even harder than breaking up with a gf/bf. So, instead we keep the person in our lives, maybe try to hang out with them less, maybe conveniently forget to return their phone calls, maybe just relegate them to Facebook status until they get the hint.

I have a lot of long-term friendship relationships, but there have been a few over the years that have fallen to the wayside...and none of them ever ended with an actual break up conversation. There was the friend who constantly talked about how attractive she thought she was, which was annoying on its own--- but what was worse was her habit of dropping subtle insults when I least expected them. Like how I should still have hope that one day my skin would clear up. It got to the point that every time I hung out with her, I worried what new thing would come out of her mouth to make me feel like shit. We had a few falling outs over the years and a few reconciliations, and I know for a fact she's a much kinder person now, but we've never gone back to being bffs.

Then, there was the friend who became a total born again and may very well be in a cult now. We were super close at one time, but friendship between an atheist slash agnostic and a born again just doesn't work. I couldn't deal with how often she'd bring up Jesus or getting saved. And I really couldn't deal with the fact that she believed I was going straight to hell after I died. Then, there's just the friends that you lose touch with cause you're both bad at long distance relationships. Nothing malicious happens, it just becomes too hard to keep the weekly phone calls going.

I've been on the receiving end of the bestie blow off a few times too. A really close guy friend of mine in high school (yes, Brian Gogineni I'm talking about you) completely vanished after college. We visited each other all the time in college, and then one day, he just stopped returning my phone calls and emails. It wasn't just me though, it was everyone we were friends with in high school. He wasn't at the 10 year reunion and no one knew what had happened to him. I'm almost 99% sure he's still alive, I just don't know why he decided to cut everyone out of his life with no explanation....he's not even on Facebook!

So, what do you think readers? Is it best to just let these friendships fizzle out or should we man up and break up with each other in person?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

the "you're acting like a girl" BLOW OFF

Most of the guys I've fallen for are the ones that strike the perfect balance between playing it cool and letting me know they really like me. They're not too intense, they're not too aloof, they're just perfect. But, there have been a few times over the course of my romantic history that I've come across dudes that have a little too much girl in them. These are the guys that are way too intense right off the bat or kick off the state of the union address way too early. It kind of feels like they've got a sixteen year old girl trapped in their body.

I know, I know--- not all girls are overly analytical and obsessive about relationships-- but I think if we're all going to be honest with ourselves, we can acknowledge that these dating traits are more common among women. For awhile, I thought it was only a female thing till I met Romance Boy.

Romance Boy and I met during the first half of my college years when I was still going to UC Santa Cruz. He was one of the guys I'd spotted early on freshman year who I thought was cute, but never had an actual conversation with. It wasn't until spring quarter when his friend started hooking up with my friend that we got to know each other. Initially, I thought he was really sweet and smart and he played guitar which was an added bonus. Plus, I was just excited that I was actually hanging out with my faraway crush.

The first sign that Romance Boy and I weren't right together was that he always wanted to go on these elaborate adventurous dates you only see on former WB shows. Like the time we had to hike to the music buildings on campus and practically scale a wall to look at the stars. It was freshman year in college--- I ate dining hall food and never exercised--- so my upper body strength left much to be desired. Once the dude had to use all his strength to boost me up to the roof of the building, I wondered why we couldn't just go out for pizza. But Romance Boy was all about setting the scene and this is where he wanted us to make out the first time. Most guys mistakenly assume all girls are total romantics...but this wasn't my kind of romance. I just thought it was cheesy.

Once I felt like maybe I wasn't into this guy, I started becoming a little emotionally distant. That's when he took the intensity up a notch. One night I showed up at my dorm room after hanging out with friends and he was sitting on the floor leaning against my door. Dating in the dorms is torture, cause you can never fully avoid someone. He claimed that he'd locked himself out of his room, so I offered to call security for him. I can't remember if security took too long to show up or what, but somehow he managed to convince me to let him sleep in my room for the night. I remember feeling so uncomfortable cramped in a little twin bed with him and feeling all the more awkward knowing how awkward we were probably making my roommate feel. So, I became more emotionally distant.

Then came the straw that broke the camel's back. I was sleeping and the phone rang in the middle of the night. It was him. He said he couldn't sleep and he needed to talk to me, could I meet him out in the quad. I was cursing him under my breath the whole time I changed out of my PJs and threw on jeans. I got out to the quad and he just went on and on about how confused he was about our relationship and didn't know where things were going and what's gonna happen once it's summer and blah blah blah. The poor boy had gotten so over the top that I couldn't even muster sympathy anymore. I was just annoyed. I should have been in bed sleeping, instead of consoling this guy that was actually a crazy girl. I finally had enough and told him that it would make more sense if we were just friends. And that's when I realized that I could never ever be a lesbian, because dating girls is just a giant headache.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Episode 9

Update: None of us should feel sorry for Ali for "giving up everything" to be on the show, because I heard through reliable sources she got paid $600K to be The Bachelorette.

Let me just apologize in advance for all The Bachelorette posts for those of you that don't watch the show. I promise, the season is almost over, and after spending almost 9 hours at the Men Tell All taping, I'm more than ready for the finale. BUT, for those of you that do watch...I think we can all agree this may have been the best episode of the season and included the BLOW OFF of all BLOW OFFs. The famous "I can't get over my ex" blow off. Been there, done that. And that's why, this post is extra long....

*the episode starts with a couple super cheesy sequences of Roberto and Chris L. talking about how much they love Ali and how excited they are to be reunited with her in Tahiti. We watched a few ridiculous scenes of Roberto packing his bag...then OMG, finding the Playbill for The Lion King...he looks at it, remembering his date with Ali...while us viewers immediately jump on the internet and buy tickets to the musical. Wow. Synergy works wonders.

*then Roberto lays on the bed and throws around the old baseball, while fondling himself and thinking about Ali.

*Is it just me or does Chris L get cuter and cuter in every episode? I have pretty much been team Roberto since day one, but now I'm not so sure...I especially love the way Chris L ponders his love for Ali while looking at himself in the mirror.

*And then there's Frank. Yikes, ladies. Let this be a lesson to you, don't ever trust a guy with no eye lashes who actually looks like a young Larry King. Frank reveals what we've all read in In Touch already...that he's got this ex-girlfriend named Nicole that he just can't seem to get out of his head and that he thinks he may still have feelings for her.

*SO, before he goes to Tahiti, he's going to stop in Chicago to see Nicole in person. Thanks to our loyal reader and the very TV savvy achoochu, who said that the producers probably taped this interaction with Nicole while Frank was already in Chi-town for his hometown date. A little fancy editing and it actually looks like Frank is a jetsetter.

*We watch as a nervous and confused Frank walks up and down the busy Chicago city streets aimlessly.

*Here's my first question for lashless Frank: Why the eff did you agree to have this little one on one time with Nicole on camera? If he was so worried about Ali's feelings, shouldn't he know that that would just be salt in the wound? Jerkface!

*So, Frank knocks on Nicole's door and she pretends she's shocked to see him ("what is going on?!")'s not her apartment, it's a hotel room. Uh, me thinks the producers put her up in this hotel room and she totes knew Frank was coming.

*Hmmm, Nicole is not exactly what I expected. She kind of looks like Ashlee Simpson pre-plastic surgery. She's a little cheesy. She's a little like someone that might date....R Rated. Other words used to describe her among my co-viewers: muppet face, sorority row, spoiled brat, Vienna with a black wig.

*Okay, so I watched this at the Men Tell All taping and while I'm not allowed to talk about that show yet, I think it's safe to tell you that the entire audience was laughing their asses off during this whole scene. Who edited this shit? There were so many awkward blank stares between Nicole and Frank--- dude, if I wanted blank stares, I'd tune into The Hills! And why did Frank think it was a good idea to kick off the talk with how much he hearted Ali.

*For a second, I kind of feel for Nicole. It would suck to have your ex-bf go on The Bachelorette...and then I remembered....I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever date someone who would go on a reality show. EVER!!!!! Let alone, agree to appear on the reality show with him!! They must have promised her one night with Roberto.

*Then, Frank tells Nicole that he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She oh so dramatically reaches out to Frank and says "You need to come home."

*We all scream when Nicole breaks into baby talk and says "I miss your kisses." Frank, fuck you. You suck! You're evil. Why the eff did you come on this show?

*He's like "totes" BUT first I need to fly all the way out to Tahiti to tell Ali in person that I'm a fucking douche face. I love when he says he needs to go "find" Ali--- Um, I think the producers will help him with that one.

*Tahiti is SO gorgeous. I would become a full fledged lesbo to date Ali if it meant I could hang out there. I can't salsa, I'm not from Cape Cod, I have eye lashes, but I really think me and Ali would become besties.

*Ali and Roberto are reunited and he's so excited he starts sweating, massively.

*Then, the best thing ever happens. Something I've never seen on The Bachelorette ever. The two of them go on a helicopter ride!

*Then...they land at a heart shaped lagoon. It looks more like a lopsided ass or a kidney, but I'll go with it. Except for the fact that they say "heart shaped lagoon" like five hundred times during this whole sequence.

*Just when I thought Roberto has no turns out, he's a little on the sweaty side. That can't be fun in the bedroom...That's okay, I would just make him get botox injections and all would be right with the world.

*Ali and Roberto have dinner and she's dressed like a hoochie mama! Actually, she looks really really pretty, but the boobies are out to play. They have a romantic dinner and Roberto tells her he's FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. Game over! Ali gives him the invitation to the fantasy suite. Roberto reads it out loud and basically butchers the name Le Taha'a.

*He gets so excited about going to the fantasy suite that he sweats his balls off. He and Ali check out the room and Roberto's shorts are no joke, soaking wet.

*The whole fantasy suite concept is just so weird and awkward. Let's pretend Frank doesn't blow her off--- would Ali really have sex with three different guys in three days on national TV? I mean, I guess you want to make sure you're not gonna end up with a bad lay, but I hate how the show is so vague about it. I want a scene of them the morning after!!! Roberto is lucky though, cause he gets the first overnight date and doesn't have to exchange bodily fluids with Chris L.

*Actually, if they really want to save some production dollars and save some screen time--- why not just have a bachelorette orgy? And show the deleted scenes on Playboy. And just take Ali out of it. Now, that my friends is a fantasy suite!

*Okay, so it's the next day and after morning sex with Roberto, and Ali and Chris L. are about to be reunited. He is super cute with her and Ali does the classic leg wrap. I did this to the BF the other night when he got home from work and he flung me against the wall and told me to stop embarrassing him. It made me love him so much more.

*I think I figured out why I love these two together, she kind of reminds me of a grown up Julie from Friday Night Lights and as I've mentioned before, he reminds me of a grown up Saracen...and wait for it...clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!

*Chris L and Ali go on a yacht ride and get drunk, go swimming, make out, etc etc, boring boring boring. Then they find oysters that actually have pearls in them....somehow Ali makes this to be a metaphor for their relationship. Dumb. Plus, I think this is really suspect. This was totally planted by the producers.

*Time for Ali and Chris L. to have their yummy romantic dinner. Okay, here's the first sign she's not into Chris L. She's practically wearing sweat pants and an ugly ass tie dyed shirt. When she had her overnight with Roberto she was wearing a slutty evening gown!

*This is when I really start loving Chris L. The guy is really funny! He pretends to get all pissy with Ali when she reads the fantasy suite note and he's so adorable about how excited he is to hook up with her. Does anyone else think the guy is about to lose his virginity?!

*He is so into her and their fantasy suite is way nicer than Roberto's. Glad they don't have to do the deed in the same bed. WOW. Chris L tells her "I love you." This guy is about to get his heart torn to shreds.

*OMG, OMG, OMG. Frank is in Tahiti!!!! It's the moment of truth. He's all freaked out about seeing Ali, so he does what we all do when we're dealing with a conundrum. He calls Chris Harrison! Chris basically tells him that he sucks and that Ali is crazy about him.

*We all agree that Frank is taking the safe choice. Nicole loves him, but he's freaked out that Ali might not choose him in the end--- so he might as well just pick, Nick-hole.

*It's right about now that I start to suspect that Ali is not going to end up with anyone. It just seems obvious that maybe Frank is the one she really loves. and I don't get it!!! This is why this girl hasn't found love yet, she has terrible taste in dudes. Get her some help!

*Okay, now I think I'm going to throw up. Ali comes over to Frank's place and he tells her they need to talk. You can literally see the hair on her arm stand up. I know I have a whole blog devoted to break ups, but I really really really hate seeing people get hurt.

*Frank finally tells Ali about Nicole, that he went to see her in Chicago, and that he's in love with her! Ali looks like she's going to die. This is terrible. I feel sick to my stomach for her. She basically starts sobbing uncontrollably. We can all relate and this is just upsetting. BUT, if she's this devastated about Frank, then are we really supposed to believe she actually loves Roberto or Chris L? She says she used every opportunity to make Frank know that she wanted to be with him and for him to forget about the other guys, she was certain Frank was going to meet her parents, that she was so excited to see him, that she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with him. Me thinks she liked Frank cause he's kind of an SF type boy and that's where Ali lives.

*I do give Ali credit though. She's a tough broad and she's good at standing up for herself. Per Achoochu, she must be so upset with the producers (especially after she watches the show) for not giving her the heads up.

*Frank needs to be exiled to douche bag island, stat! I don't care if he's crying. He should have been upfront with Ali all along. He totally cock blocked Kirk from getting a fantasy suite!

*Cue the dramatic music.....

*Now, I'm mad at Ali too. Maybe Frank strung her along, but she's stringing Roberto and Chris L along. I don't care if she's contractually obligated to. OR is it all just pretend?! Does she tell Roberto and Chris L off camera that she's not just that into them and they all play it off like they're falling in love with each other?

*Chris Harrison shows up on the beach and consoles Ali. She pulls herself together, calls Frank selfish, repeats for the 100th time how she's given up everything to be on this show. Well, Ali needs to stop frontin'. She didn't give up everything to find a husband, she gave up everything to become famous. The people who love Sarah Palin are the same people that honestly think this show is still about finding love.

*Also, some blogs are calling Ali a hypocrite when she left Jake's season for her job after Jake had "given up everything" to do the show and then she quit her job to become The Bachelorette! My friends and i discussed the fact that maybe she always pulled this as an excuse to cut bait cause she knew Jake was LAME.

*Another therapy session between Ali and Chris Harrison. I wonder if she pays him by the hour. Then Ali sheds some serious wisdom: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Huh?

*Funniest rose ceremony ever. Chris L and Roberto are hilarious when they find out that Frank is gone. Ali can't even admit that Frank left her for some other girl. She claims she doesn't want them to feel like she picked them by default, but that's exactly what she's doing.

Anyway, readers...I hate to say it, but I really think this is one of those crappy seasons where our Bachelorette doesn't end up with anyone. And if that's the case, I'm done with this show for good. So, if Ali doesn't pick anyone and she does just want to be famous--- who is a good match for her? Spencer Pratt? John Mayer? Chris Harrison? Sigh, Ali. Why can't you just love Roberto and Chris L as much as I do?

Monday, July 19, 2010

BLOW OFF song of the day: Coming Around Again by Carly Simon

I'm ashamed to admit that I just watched the movie Heartburn for the FIRST time (written by Nora Ephron, directed by Mike Nichols, inspired by Ephron's crappy marriage with Carl Bernstein who couldn't keep it in his dishy.)

Anyway, in honor of the movie, today's BLOW OFF song of the day is Coming Around Again by Carly Simon which basically plays through the whole movie.

"I know nothing stays the same, but if you're willing to play the game, it will be coming around again."

-Carly Simon, 1987

Friday, July 16, 2010

the BACHELORETTE & the BLOW OFF: Episode 8

Due to popular demand (i.e. one of our readers), I'm posting Monday's recap a little early so that beginning next week, you can now read all about The Bachelorette immediately after it airs!

Plus, I just couldn't wait another minute to share my thoughts on the hometown dates. Holy, holy--- I think you all know where this is going...

*We kick things off in Tampa. Home of the hottest Latino on this side of the equator. No, I'm not talking about Marc Anthony. It's time to meet Roberto's family!! Will they all have adorable butt chin dimples? Will they all have their very own baseball card? I can barely contain my excitement.

*Ali and Roberto literally run into each other's arms when they see each other. We all discuss the classic Bachelorette leg wrap when we see this. I've never done the jump, kiss, leg wrap move myself, but i might start doing it every night when the bf comes home from work just to see if he freaks the fuck out. I hope the next time Ali and Roberto do this, it's an homage to Dirty Dancing and instead of the leg wrap, they go for the full on lift.

*Come to think of it, note to producers. For the finale, when (if) Ali picks Roberto, I'd like the show to recreate the end of Dirty Dancing and for all the other contestants to come out and be their background dancers. Please make sure that R Rated is wearing his cast and that Weatherman is wearing his white jacket.

*Back to the show. Can we all agree that Ali's outfits were pretty terrible in this episode? I get that she has blond hair, but that doesn't mean she needs to wear bright yellow all the time. The kacky shorts and the yellow button down look straight out of an Old Navy ad.

*Roberto tells Ali he has a surprise for her. No, he doesn't strip down naked...he takes her to a baseball field. If it were me, I'd be like "wtf kind of lame ass surprise is this?" But this is Ali we're talking about and the only thing she loves more than throwing around a baseball is boxed wine.

*I will say that Roberto looks extra cute in his baseball uniform and I'm super into dating a guy who has his very own baseball card...BUT scene after scene of them playing catch, swinging at the ball, and running around aimlessly is a total snooze fest.

*Finally, it's over. Roberto and Ali arrive at his parent's house. His family is just like I imagined them: super cute salsa dancers. His mom is especially adorable and there's def some fake blond hair in the vicinity so Ali should feel right at home.

*My fave is Roberto's dad. He's like all suspicious of Ali and he tells Roberto that he's a prize (duh!) and that he wants to make sure Ali really does care about him. Then, he takes Ali into Roberto's trophy room and tries to make her say she'll be a stay at home mom. Ali manages to throw in words like "partnership" and "family" and "dreams", but we all know what she's really thinking....."ain't no man gonna stand between me and the cover of Us Weekly."

*We have to laugh when Roberto tells his mom that he's ready to propose to Ali. I mean, can we all take a moment to realize it's 2010. Why does the show insist that two people who barely know each other have to get engaged at the end? Why can't they just agree to go to coffee or be Facebook friends?

*Dinner at Roberto's looks delicioso. That's right, I speak Spanish and I stereotype. I wonder if Roberto is super confused right now, because once again his mom made all that spanish stuff that he doesn't know what it's called.

*After dinner, they do what every self respecting Latin family does...they salsa!

*I give Roberto's fam 4 stars.

*Off to Cape Cod. Ali and Chris L. share a semi-awkward reunion and frolic around on the beach with his dog. Again, I'd be like "this fog and mist is hell on my hair and I don't like doggy slobber" but Ali is the perfect woman. She'll toss around a tennis ball in boots with heels and she'll even look good with frizzy hair.

*Chris's house is really nice. Totally east coast with the porch and brown shingles. I could totally see myself vacationing there. I think we can all agree that his family was the wealthiest of the bunch.

*Ali's wearing this weird sweater wrap/shawl with one sleeve. It's butt ugly, but the sleeve makes it a lot easier to stay warm and hold a drink in your hand. I have to cringe when Ali and Chris pretend they're a married couple on the porch. I blame the ABC producers for that one.

*We meet Chris's dad first. He looks just like Chris. He is so sweet and him and Chris give each other a huge bear hug. So far, I love the L family.

*Then Chris's brothers and sister-in-laws come over. They are equally cute and you can tell they heart Chris. I'm basically biting my lip to stop myself from crying in front of my friends, because any reference to Chris's mom makes me want to ball my eyes out. Ali doesn't even get misty eyed, what's wrong with her?! How can she not feel sad for Chris's dad? How can she not just want to squeeze Chris L till he pops when he talks about how his mom got to meet his brother's wives, but not his. I wish ABC would have sent John Edwards of Crossing Over fame so he could make reference to some random obscure shit that would help Chris find some inner peace.

*PS why hasn't Chris met anyone? I have a feeling after this show is over, he'll be getting offers left and right.

*I'm into Chris's family, they drink lots of beer and eat lots of shellfish. But let's be real, they are just too nice and genuine for Ali. The guilt must be eating her up alive. Especially, when she and Chris go to the lighthouse. He sticks his tongue down her throat and she basically looks like she's kissing her brother.

*We're off to Wisconsin. Now, after everyone's favorite Bare Naked Ladies video shoot, I had my money on Kirk...but then we met his family. Yes, I'm going there, I'm totally going there, and I know I'm going to go to hell--- but I promise, no one from Kurt's family reads this blog. This is a safe place where we can say anything (inbred) we want.

*I'm convinced the producers put Ali in that horrendous BRIGHT yellow coat to distract us from the strangeness we were about to be forced to watch.

*First, we go to Kirk's dads house. I'm getting weird vibes. Like there are little girls living in some cellar chained to the wall vibes. Kirk's step mom looks like Candi Spelling on crack. I'm not sure if that's his little sister...she's cute and all, but why do I still get the feeling that she tortures birds and rabbits and cats in her spare time? Oh, I know why...b/c Kirk's dad is into taxidermy.

*Ali deserves an Academy Award for gluing on that sweet smile through this whole thing---especially since there was no cocktails being served at Kirk's dad's house (0r food, cause they're cannibals maybe?). When his dad says "Ali, want to go down and see my basement"--- I'm convinced she and the entire ABC crew are going to get murdered, stuffed, and hung from the wall.

*Luckily, Ali survives and she and Kirk head to his mom's house. Mom, sis, and grandma are a little more normal, but...oy, vey...i don't want to be too mean here, because Kirk's mom really does seem so nice, but her appearance is a bit off putting. Let's just say, it would all make more sense if there house was a trailer and her son was Eminem (pre-famous rapper). Kirk pretty much seems like the black sheep of the family. Except for the livestrong bracelets, I don't really see how he fits here.

*Kirk and Ali say good bye and it's getting kind of obvious that he's really falling for her and that worries me, because I think this might be the end of the road for him...

*Off to Chi-town! and guess what?! Ali finally wears a cute outfit! Yay for the sailor girl trend. Frank, however, is wearing clothes two sizes too small for him. He looks a little like me...freshman year in high school when my mom yelled at me for only buying my clothes at thrift stores. Note to Frank--- 1995 is not on its way back.

*Ali and Frank have yet another one of their ridic intense relationship conversations. Frank needs to learn how to play it cool, he just sounds like a little bitch. Plus, I'm still really freaked out by the fact that he has no eyelashes.

*Frank's family is perfectly nice. Super normal. Kind of boring. Kind of like a less intense version of Chris L's family. Ali maybe fits in the best here. She's white, they're white. She's dull, they're dull. It's a match made in heaven, except for one thing... we all know Frank dumps her next week!

*Side note, I talk a lot of trash about Ali, but deep down I kind of like her. There, I said it.

*I'm literally about to throw up at the rose ceremony. No, not because I have to sit through another therapy session between Ali and Chris Harrison, but because I kind of dig all these guys and I don't want anyone to go home. Surely, Kirk will find out he's adopted and he and Ali can search for his normal biological family....

*It's clear that either Kirk or Chris L is going. We know Frank gets a rose and there's no way Roberto doesn't. Kirk's fam is weird, but I just have this sinking feeling that Chris is going to get really hurt so maybe Ali will realize it's better to cut him loose now, instead of drag it out.

*Ali cries when she tells everyone that her decision had nothing to do with their families, but when she blows Kirk off, we know that can't be true.

*I feel bad for Kirk. The guy deserves a break, he almost died of mold. But hopefully he's learned his lesson---- don't let any girlfriend go down in the basement with your freaky dad.

*Now, we know the final two are Roberto and Chris L, since Frank totally pulls an A-hole move on Ali. I actually feel kind of bad for her, because I'm guessing if it were up to her, she'd choose between Frank and Roberto in the end. Now, she has to hurt Chris L even more when she drags him all the way to the finale, just to dump his ass in front of millions of people.

So, awesome news--- because I have friends in high places, I'm spending my entire Saturday at the shoot for the Men Tell All special! AND, we get to watch Monday's episode in advance. I won't blog about either until after they air, but I will give the behind the scenes dish of what the taping was like.

I hope I get to ask questions! Like if I can touch R Rated's soul patch for good luck or give Frank fake eye lashes or put Kirk in a mold protected bubble...but I guess if I can only ask one question, I'll ask weatherman what the forecast in LA is on Sunday. Any burning questions, guys? If so, comment below!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

one man's BLOW OFF is another man's treasure

This is a story of how a little bad timing and stupidity can ruin a perfectly good make out session (and years of unrequited love).

It all started a few months before I moved to New York after college. As luck would have it, I met the "perfect guy" right before my move. He was quirky, sweet, and liked bad reality TV--- basically, everything a girl wants in a boy. He was also slightly neurotic and emotionally closed off, but whatevs. Despite his tendency to keep me at a safe distance, because I was moving, the relationship was good enough that I was seriously bummed to be leaving. We both agreed an LDR was a bad idea, but we did stay in regular contact my first few months in the NYC.

When Thanksgiving came along, I was between jobs, so I took an extended trip home. He picked me up from the airport with flowers and a mixed CD...for a split second, it was like I'd never left. But over the course of my trip, things were different. The physical affection was waning. Anytime we hung out, he'd bring his best friend along. He seemed even more emotionally freaked out than he normally did. It was awkward being in this in between phase of not dating, but not being totally platonic either. I chalked it up to him not wanting to get hurt since I lived in NY, but in hindsight the dude just wasn't into me. This became the first of the many experiences that coined his nickname "wally lame." (and I'm sure will inspire a few more blow off posts like this one.)

Anyway, acknowledging his disinterest just makes me kick myself even more when I think about the guy who actually wanted to hang out with me everyday, while I was home. "Samson" from high school. The guy I was madly in love with for years, but never got to date...

This is how it all went down. I was hanging out with Wally Lame in Berkeley, but to play it cool, I made plans to hang out with my best friend later that night in San Jose. Wally Lame dropped me off at the BART station and my bestie picked me up to go out on the town in our pathetic little suburb. On the way to the bar, we went into analysis mode on Wally. Why was he acting so distant? Duh, we thought, he's just so in love with me that it hurts to be around me. God, we were dumb. As we continued to take our psycho-analysis to the bar, my bestie suddenly looked like she was going to faint. She whispered to me "Samson is right next to you." I turned to look and sure enough there he was (now with short hair) ordering a gin and tonic, just like me! I hadn't seen him in a few years, although he always had a strange way of popping in and out of my life. The second he saw me, his face broke into a huge smile (I'm not making that up, I swear). We started catching up, I asked him about his girlfriend who he lived with and he said they'd broken up a few months ago. And then he said, I kid you not "stay away from red heads" which was seriously apropos since Wally Lame was a red head.

The rest of the night was like a fantasy for the 16 year old in me. Samson proceeded to tell me that he was in idiot in high school and that he always had feelings for me. He remembered little details about me (my horoscope sign, the time I was so mad at him, because he called me ordinary, how he totally bailed on me at junior prom) Thank the heavens I wasn't wrapped up enough in Wally Lame to let this opportunity pass me by. So, for the first time after knowing the guy for seven years, Samson and I had our first and only make out session. When he found out I was going to be home for almost two weeks, he got my number and promised he would call.

He called every day. He called more than Wally Lame called. And you know what I did? I avoided him! I made any excuse I could think of not to see him. I was actually annoyed when I checked my caller ID and saw it was him calling instead of the red head I should have been staying away from. I totally blew him off, while I was in the process of getting blown off.

To this day, when I look back on that time, I'm still mad at myself. Yes, there was zero long term potential with a guy like Samson, but after all those years of thinking about him every time I listened to "It Ain't Me, Babe" by Bob Dylan, I opted to BLOW him OFF when he was finally saying: It is me, babe. Why? Cause I was too messed up over the other guy who was saying "It ain't me" loud and clear.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

the friday night lights BLOW OFF

Those of you that know me well or even just kind of know me, have probably heard me talk about my love and obsession for Friday Night Lights and why I think it's the best TV show ever (Yes, better than My So-Called Life and better than Sex and the City). For the last four seasons, FNL has been pretty much blown off by every TV viewing household in America, the television academy, and now NBC & Direct TV. The show has only one season left, but here's hoping ABC Family (who acquired the show) will miraculously decide to produce new episodes. *Fingers crossed.*

The good news is, Emmy nominations came out last week and FNL finally got some love. Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler (Coach Taylor & Tami Taylor; the most realistic fictional married couple out there) were finally nominated in the lead actor/actress in a drama categories BUT they've had so many better performances in previous seasons. The standout performance of season 4 was def given by Zach Gilford (AKA Saracen AKA QB 2 AKA my boyfriend). There was even a Facebook fan page made to help campaign for him to get an Emmy nod. Alas, it turns out Facebook can't make everyone's dreams come true, cause the Emmy's gave him a big fat BLOW OFF.

But that's okay, cause I still believe that clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Glossary of a BLOW OFF: klingons

Klingons (or cling-ons)
Function: plural noun
Origin: the 60s on Star Trek, but they've pretty much always been around.
Definition: Those annoying couples that just can't keep their hands off each other. EVER.

(I really don't want to go out with Bob and Brenda by myself. They are total klingons and being around them makes me feel even shittier about being single.)

We've all been friends with this couple. They think the measure of how much two people love each other = how much they kiss, hug, touch, whisper to each other in public. They scoff at people (like me) who roll their eyes at overt public displays of affection. They make everything and everyone around them slightly uncomfortable. Being their third wheel is like a fucking nightmare.

I am so adamantly against being one part of a Klingon that I'm sure I've accidentally hurt my bf's feelings on more than a few occasions when he's tried to get up on me in public. It's not because I don't want to make out with him, it's because I don't want our make out session to traumatize anyone (particularly single peeps) in the near vicinity. I remember how I felt about couples when I was single and I just can't shake that memory. I've been like this since high school when my then bf would literally lick my neck while my friends were trying to have a conversation with me. It was way over the top and it felt like he was trying to mark his territory. I can't say I've never engaged in PDA, but sometimes I do it b/c I worry that people will mistake a lack of PDA for a lack of love. It's just that I much prefer private displays of affection and subtle public displays. I mean, I can barely even handle Facebook PDA's. I totally understand that urge to shout your love from the internet rooftops or flaunt it in a bar in front of all your friends, but how about we all agree to just tone it down a little? Look on the bright side, all that pent up sexual tension will go a long way once you're all alone....bow chica bow wow...

Monday, July 12, 2010

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

The calm before the hometown dates--- tensions were high in Lisbon, Portugal this week. Poor Ali could barely enjoy being treated like a princess, because she knew at the end of the episode she had to send someone home. Dude, get over it. For once, I'd like to see our bachelorette get pumped about rejecting someone. Like give the guy the finger and scream "suck it" while he walks into the limo. Just for fun. Please, Ali--- do it for your fans.

*Chris Harrison meets the guys in Lisbon, tells them there's a lot on the line this week--- because whoever gets a rose gets to take Ali home to meet the parentals. He also tells them that there won't be any roses on the dates this week. Holy crap! I am on the edge of my seat....!

*Lisbon is totes beautiful. Anyone who thinks this show is dumb can bite me, because it's like really educational.

*Roberto gets the first one on one date! woo-hoo! The date card says "come be the king of my castle." HOT. All the dudes are totally jealous.

*Ali shows up to pick up Roberto. She's either wearing a serious push up bra, or she got a boob job en route from Istanbul.

*Ali says she really needs to see the fun aspect of Roberto (uh, why--- he's hot). So they take pictures in a courtyard of them jumping up and down and then pose with a guard. Oh, Roberto, you are such a goof ball.

*OMG. They are slow dancing in the middle of the street. This is so cheesy. Stop it Roberto, stop it! My fave quote from Ali this episode: Life may not be a fairytale, but love could be. BARF.

*Okay, I think Roberto is a major contender in getting the final rose. Ali basically can't keep her hands off of him.

*Back at Casa Bachelorette the remaining guys get a date card. We find out that Frank and Ty get the two on one date. They're both super annoyed that they got stuck with a two on one date, which seemed obvious to the rest of us, because they each had one on one time last week. (PS I was home last weekend visiting my parents and I got to have some alone time with my mom and she called it our one on one date, haha, hilarious.)

*I'm really surprised when Frank says that Ty is his biggest competition. Uh, Frank-- have you seen Roberto?!

*Roberto and Ali have a little picnic at a castle. The view is amazing, but I'm a little turned off by Roberto when Ali asks him what kind of food his mom makes. He says "all that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called." Seriously? I guess if he was cute and smart, he would be too good to be true.

*YES! The two on one date starts with a helicopter ride. Now, we're talking! Date nights with the BF just don't compare--- we only have a car to take us places. I'm so oppressed!

*Ty is wearing the butt ugliest outfit ever. Not to be shallow, but those clothes would have gotten him eliminated a long time ago if I was the bachelorette.

*The threesome has dinner and Ali's totally in a weird place. She's freaking out about having to send someone home, blah blah. And then, in just another sign that we are actually watching A & E's Intervention, Ali asks for some wine, stat. I bet my life savings on Ali being on the cover of Us Weekly in a year opening up about her rehab stint.

*Ty tries to convince Ali that's he's not a traditional alpha male. She asks him how his mom would feel about Ali being a worker...he says if he's happy, then they'll be happy. Dude, where did this guy grow up? Is it like Deliverance over there? I swear, if Ali goes to meet his parents there will be a freaky looking banjo player following them around the whole time.

*Kirk gets the next one on one date. Yay, I've been craving some Captain Kirk time. We haven't really seen much of him since he told her he almost died of mold.

*Frank and Ali get some alone time. I can't really look at Frank the same, because we already know that in an upcoming episode he totally BLOWS her OFF. BUT, when he tells her that he still lives with his parents, I kind of want to jump into the TV and hug him and tell him that it's totes okay and that he shouldn't be ashamed. Ali looks like she's pissed that she just found this out now, because she would have gotten rid of this dude a long time ago. Plus, now we know Frank not only went on this show to get famous, but he also went on the show to get some alone time from mommy and daddy.

*Did anyone else feel like Ali comforted Frank more for living with his parents then she consoled Kirk for almost dying of mold or Chris L. for losing his mom? I guess since she was raised by a pack of wolves, the whole notion of moving back home really freaks her out.

*Kirk and Ali have their one on one date and she's acting like a total weirdo the whole time. She keeps saying that she's got a lot on her mind. Then she says that she's afraid she won't be good enough for Kirk one day. Yeah girl, I'd be worried about that too. Kirk tells her that the mold drama made him realize he's deserving of love. Really? I don't get it. I've always felt like I deserved love and I didn't need any mold to prove that to me. I'm starting to think that Kirk is not getting a rose...

*Kirk and Ali are serenaded by a Fado singer. I'm sure she's like all bummed out that the show didn't fly the Bare Naked Ladies out to Portugal. Let's take a moment to remember that horrendous music video.

*Chris L and Ali have their date. Ali's super nervous about her date with him. She keeps saying that things between them are moving really slow and that they're not getting to the level their relationship needs to be. Uh, what does she expect? They've probably spent a total of what? eight hours together? Plus, we all know there's no way Chris L isn't getting a hometown date. We've heard SO much about his family and we MUST meet them.

*Poor Chris is all freaked out about driving the scooter. He says he doesn't want to be the dude that kills the bachelorette, but that would be kind of awesome. Okay, I don't want her to die, I actually kind of like Ali, but what if they crashed and she got amnesia and we had to start the show all over again! That would be so cool cause then R Rated and Kasey could come back@

*Hold up, I'm so confused. Ali keeps saying that she needs Chris L to open up to her more. WTF? The guy has practically cried every time they hang out about losing his mom. What else does she want from him? The only way he could open up more is if he took a crap in front of her.

*Ali decides she needs to take control of the relationship and drives the scooter. Ali's such a bad ass...Chris L has been put-putting around town, but Ali--- well, she may not be able to cook, and she may be a wino, but she can drive scooters. What else could a guy want in a woman?

*I like Chris L, but he's so nervous all the time. Again, I'm confused, because Ali asks Chris L what his mom was like. Um, he's pretty much described his mom in every episode. How could she not know exactly what his mom is like? I still get a little teary eyed when I hear him talk about it, but I swear Ali wants to be like "look on the bright side, at least you're not like Frank and still living at home." But wait, Chris L does live at home, never mind.

*Chris gives Ali a gift. It's really sweet, but why do I always get the feeling that this guy has never dated anyone in his life. Maybe he's just camera shy, but he seems so much cooler with the dudes than he does with Ali.

*It's the rose ceremony. I'm actually kind of freaking out, because I don't know who's gonna go home. I want it to be Ty, but I could have sworn I saw him in Tahiti...Frank, Roberto, and Chris L all get a rose. It comes down to Kirk and Ty. At this point, I'm convinced that Kirk's going home, but I was wrong! She sent Deliverance Ty packing! Hell yes!

*I love that Ty and Ali have to have their whole good bye conversation in the rain. Oh,the drama! Ty thinks Ali's made a huge mistake, etc etc. He's actually kind of a dick about it, but Ali feels okay, because she's one step closer to meeting her husband.

So, our final 4 are: Frank, Roberto, Chris L, and Kirk--- I would have predicted this two weeks ago, but I threw in Ty instead of Frank--- cause In Touch told me Frank dumps her ass...

*Now, the best part of this episode of course didn't have anything to do with Ali, it was the train wreck interview with Jake and Vienna. I love when Chris Harrison says "It is with a certain degree of sadness that I bring you this special Bachelor update." I'm so sure he's sad, this is ratings gold!

*I didn't watch Jake's season except for the finale, but this shit is pure gold. In fact, my sister, brother-in-law, and I can't stop using the word "undermine" ever since it aired. My favorite part of the whole thing is that the big fights Jake and Vienna had were over the GPS and arranging bedroom furniture. Uh, this is the kind of shit all couples fight about. Are they retarded? I guess when your relationship starts with rose ceremonies, you don't expect to have any mundane moments. I wonder if every night before they went to bed Jake asked Vienna if she would accept a rose.

*I'm also confused by the fact that Jake and Vienna were not having sex, because I was convinced the reason he picked her in the first place was because she let him do anal.

*Here's my verdict at the end of this episode. Vienna is a total fame whore, but Jake is one fight away from being a wife beater. They're both gross. But I LOVE that when you're a reality TV star, all you have to do to break up with someone is call up Star Magazine--- and you'll even get paid to do it! Suh-weet!

To end this recap, I just want to say that I kind of missed Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) from this episode. For those of you that feel the same, here's a deleted scene of him and Ali!

Dating in the 80s: SUCKED.

For those of you that blow off online dating, because of the "stigma"-- look on the bright side, at least you're not dating in the 80s.

Back then, you would have had to appear on Love Connection or signed up for one of these video dating sites.

PS Why do all guys in the 80s look like pedophiles?!

Thanks to Dave for sharing this.

Friday, July 9, 2010

the bitter basketball BLOW OFF

As a guy with a burning desire to write for the BLOW OFF, I never expected, nor intended, my first post to be about professional sports. That's too stereotypical. Yet here I am scribing about a sports break up. But it's not your average split. Last night basketball star LeBron James dumped his first love, and team, the Cleveland Cavilers. A native of Ohio, James was selected number one overall in the 2003 NBA draft by the Cavs. They wanted him, bad, and he wanted to be with them. They were older, he was younger, but they knew they could make it work. The two were, for all intent and purposes, happily in love for a number of years.

Recently, however, they needed to spice things up. LeBron wanted a championship. Oh sure, the Cavs did too, but when you're in Cleveland you'll happily settle for a little less just so long as you get some attention. LeBron wanted to bring new players into the relationship, to help him achieve his goal. The Cavs, never the belle of the ball, found it difficult to attract the best players to play with LeBron. It was due to less interest in the old city than it was the young man. So the past couple years have been stressful. LeBron, seeing the end could be near, flirted with the sexy New York Knicks. The Cavs tried to make LeBron happy. They gave him lots of attention. They let him play with cougars Antawn Jamison and Shaquille O'Neal. In the end, just last night, LeBron decided to move to Miami to hang with his boys (Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh). His move to the Heat was announced by LeBron himself, during an hour long broadcast on ESPN. It's the same time the Cavs found out they'd been BLOWN OFF. LeBron didn't call first. He humiliated the Cavs on national television. "How could he have found a new partner so soon," I'm sure the Cavs asked themselves, further doubting their inadequacies. "We gave him the best seven years of our life."

The Cavs, like many of us, could've called LeBron - hoping he'd answer the phone - to find out if it was really over. Maybe they did. But rather than take some time to think, be alone, and maybe call another city that understands (Detroit, anyone?) the Cavs followed with the most petty, name-calling, ill-advised "open letter to fans" possible. Signed by Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, he calls his former golden child and BFF a narcissist, a coward, and even places a curse on LeBron. Bitter much? To make matters worse and more childish, he used Comic Sans font!

Unlike couples, LeBron will soon be signing a contract with his new love the Heat, guaranteeing his return to the Cavs impossible. LeBron still lives in the Cleveland area or, rather, he still has a whole bunch of stuff at his former love's house. He probably should have grabbed those items before last night. While LeBron handled the BLOW OFF without the best tact, wouldn't it have been better as the Cavs to show the deserter what he could have had instead of publicly tossing all of his belongings on the front lawn?

the BLOW OFF song of the day: Like a Friend by Pulp

Added bonus: this video has clips from the movie Great Expectations. For some of you, the 90s were the decade of Kurt Cobain--- but for me, they were the decade of Ethan Hawke.

"You take up my time like some cheap magazine, when I could have been learning something, oh well you know what I mean."
-Pulp, 1998

Thursday, July 8, 2010

honest to god BLOW OFFs

Recently, one of our readers expressed his concerns that the BLOW OFF may not be totally honest, because contributors write more about being the blow off victim and less about being the blow off perpetrator. Yes, reader--- you are probably right, but the honest truth is (and i'm speaking for myself here)--- I've been blown off more than I've blown off. And I guess rejection just makes for more interesting stories. But, just to prove that i'm not a total hypocrite, here are my top five "i fucked them over" stories:

5. Once in the 4th or 5th grade, I gave my best guy friend a note on the bus that said "will you go with me" check yes or no. Five minutes later, I realized that I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend.I didn't want to feel obligated to sit next to the same boy during assemblies and I liked hanging out with my friends at recess. So, the next day when my best guy friend asked me about the note at school, I played it off like it was one big joke and that I was just kidding about the whole thing.

4. In high school, I used to love befriending the new kid. I was the first to approach them, introduce myself, and let them know that they weren't a leper. There was skateboard Matt who transferred from Tino, Max the exchange student from Germany, and Robin from Liverpool. Sadly, Robin from Liverpool turned out to be a total weirdo. He didn't bathe much and he'd never heard of The Beatles. My friends and I realized he was seriously cramping our style (and we didn't really have much style), so we started going off campus at lunch and not inviting him to come along. Eventually, he got the message and stopped hanging out with us.

3. When I wrote about the junior prom blow off, I conveniently forgot to mention that I had another prom date before asking the high school love of my life to the dance. My other prom date was a little person, which isn't that unusual considering I'm only five feet tall. He was in my math class and he'd ask me to study with him a few times. I thought he was sweet and when he asked me to prom, I said yes. Then girls started coming out of the wood work and told me I was making a big mistake. One even told me he cornered her at a party once and told her to give him a blow job. I'd sadly never even kissed a boy, so this concerned me. When Little Person asked to have a "talk" one day at lunch and told me he was having second thoughts about prom, because he wanted to get drunk with his friends and wanted a date that was cool with that-- I knew this was my chance to get out blow off free. I lied and said I wasn't cool with drinking and that maybe we were too different and should cancel the date. He agreed. A few days later, he pulled me out of Spanish class and said he'd made a huge mistake and that he changed his mind. I told him it was too late. He thought i was still mad because he'd blown me off, but it was really because I wanted to blow him off.

2. A few nights before I moved away from New York, my roommate and I threw a going away party. Her co-worker was there and by the end of the night he told me he had a crush on me for awhile and felt like an idiot for not doing anything about it sooner. It was extremely flattering and endearing, BUT I had my heart set on another boy who'd blown me off several times and barely spent five minutes at our party. So, I consoled myself by hooking up with the guy who really liked me. Unfortunately, the whole thing was totally awkward and weird and I made sure to avoid talking to him or seeing him before I moved 3,000 miles away. We still haven't talked to this day.

1. I emotionally cheated on my high school boyfriend in college. There was a guy who was from the same hometown as my roommate and he was older and cute and made me feel like I was kind of hot. I thought cuddling and listening to Dave Matthews Band and the Counting Crows on repeat didn't count as cheating, because there was no kissing--- but it kind of did. I would have murdered my bf if he was doing the same thing. My roommate who was privy to the whole thing told me I needed to end things with high school, so I called him one gloomy January day and broke it off over the phone. Too bad he got me back.

There you have it. I'm guilty as charged: I've done my fair share of blowing (0ff). You're welcome.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Code Names RULE

Since the beginning of time, us ladies refer to guys we've been dating with code names. I'm seriously willing to bet when cave girls were dishing about their dating lives, they referred to their cave boys as "Mr. Hairy" or "Ugly loin cloth dude". The bible may refer to him as Adam, but we all know Eve secretly called him "apple balls" behind his back. And of course the most famous code name ever: Mr. Big. The writers of Sex and the City managed to call Chris Noth by Carrie's code name for seven seasons--- until the series finale when we finally learned his first name was John. BORING.

So, why do we do it? Well, mostly just because it's fun. And maybe because until we know if a guy is for real or if a BLOW OFF is on the horizon-- we want to keep things light and casual and not get first names involved. Here are a few I dug out of the vault and some from our readers, enjoy....

Samson: my great unrequited high school love. He had really long hair that he swore he'd never cut off. I used to smoke pot with him after school just so he'd think I was cool. When we had to make wire sculptures in 3D art senior year, I decided I needed to get over him, so I made a wire tombstone with the words "SAMSON" on it. He's now a recovering meth addict with short hair.

Wallace: My bff's high school crush. His favorite movie was Braveheart, so we called him Wallace after William Wallace.

Sven: The guy I ended up dating in high school. He was way into black metal and also had long hair. He wore a maroon tux to prom, with a top hat, cape, and cane. For the record, I wore a super cute dress from Bebe.

Disco: A certain someone who periodically reads this blog who may or may not have dressed up as a mirror ball for Halloween. Who may or may not have been a co-worker. And who may or may not have kindly rejected me after I super inappropriately told him I was into him (while I was drunk).

Ear Wax Guy: this nickname surfaced after the blow off. He was the guy I dated who despite his cleanliness OCD, still managed to have abnormal amounts of ear wax.

Specks: this cute gay co-worker who wore glasses and who my bgf and I both had a crush on.

Wally Lame: the guy I started dating two weeks before college graduation who blew me off over the course of the next four years. He also fits the description for Big Bird (see below) so they just might be the same person.

the cute guy from sales: this was the nickname I gave the BF when we worked together in New York. Turns out, he was actually the cute guy from research.
From our loyal readers/contributors:

Turd Ferguson: A guy I had a huge crush on for awhile. Then, finally he asked me out and I found out he was a cheapskate, crazy person but then his best friend died and I couldn't dump him for a few months.

BBG (AKA Brain Boner Guy): because the first time we were doing the deed, as we're really getting into it, he said "you're so smart."

GL (she had a lot of gems)
Lobo: A guy we all had an insane crush on in high school but he always considered us all as "friends". Cut to 10 years later and my college best friend comes with me on a road trip and we stay with Lobo while we visit some friends in San Diego. Guess who hooks up with Lobo? Right. My college best friend Not me. Not the girl who had a crush on him since the 11th grade. P.S. He was "Lobo" after the name he chose in Spanish class.

Big Bird: A Producer on a job I did (I know, I know). He was tall, red-headed, Concentration Camp-skinny (sorry, too far?) and totally awkward. What blows my mind here is that HE blew me off. Twice. As if! So much for the god damn Casting Couch.

Star Wars Sheets: An older guy my bff used to have a big crush on back in the day finally invited her over for a little wine and, presumably, make-out session. Only when bff walked into his studio apartment she was greeted with not only his single trundle bed, but his Star Wars sheets. For her birthday that year I got her a Star Wars themed cake. What are friends for?

Mufasa: He looked like Mufasa from "The Lion King". End of story.

I'm an evil person. Remind me to tell you that story in person.

1987: The boy has a name, but I honestly forget it sometimes. He was born in 1987. I was born in 1981. That pretty much sums it up. (Fun Fact: I also refer to him as "Catch-22" sometimes because he's 22 and I'm a dork).

Fantasy Date: Yes Saaara, from "The Bachelor/Bachelorette". His real name was Jeff and he was my former boss. Former. We never hooked up until I was a "former employee". But I'm not sure he could ever get over the whole boss/employee thing so all of our dates felt like client business meetings where he pulled out all the stops to land my business (if you will). We had little to talk about outside of work, so most of our dates were spent silent driving down the PCH en route to some insanely overpriced restaurant in Malibu or Calabasas. I was constantly looking for a camera crew in a chopper overhead or for Chris Harrison to jump out of the bushes with a "Fantasy Suite" card. He would NOT get the final Rose, fyi.

#55: My high school sweetheart's football jersey number. I'm serious. We still refer to him as "#55". Bless his heart. Example: "I heard #55 moved back in with his mom recently."

See, readers. Code names rule. Any of your own you'd like to share? Comment below....

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

the mean girl BLOW OFF

I hate mean girls. And those bitches are everywhere: grade school, junior high, high school, college, grad school, the office, the nursing home....we'll never escape them. If heaven exits and there are mean girls there, I'm gonna be so pissed off at GOD.

Here are some signs that you are dealing with a mean girl: they talk mostly about themselves, they have more guy friends than girl friends, they brag about the fact that they never cry, and they're overly loud and outgoing. I don't know why most mean girls share these traits, they just do.

I'm a recovering mean girl. From about 4th grade to 6th grade, I was a total beeotch. When my friends and I were annoyed with someone in our clique, we'd all go to the bathroom, wait for the girl to go in the stall--- and RUN. Getting "ditched" at recess was a regular occurrence and we all lived in fear of it. It was like the original blow off. But that's not even the worst thing I did as an adolescent. In 5th grade we did a play that was a contemporary spin on Cinderella. My best friend and I got cast as the wicked stepsisters (I told you, I was mean) and we were shocked when the friend we'd been ditching got cast as Cinderella. We were very verbal about the fact that we didn't think she deserved the part and she was so upset she went to the teacher and backed out of playing Cinderella. The part ended up going to another girl and I've felt guilty about it ever since. In my defense, I was ten and I didn't know any better.

But karma's a bitch and I've also been the victim. In college, there was a girl that fit the mean girl description to a T. She was outgoing and popular and when she was nice to me, I'm ashamed to admit--- it made me feel kind of cool. We weren't really friends, but we were both film majors and both members of the film arts coalition, so we ran in some of the same circles. One night after a late movie screening for a class we were in, we started walking back to the dorms together. We were chatting it up and she asked me if I wanted to get a bite to eat at late night dining (all the greasy food you can eat from 10pm to midnight). I was hungry and semi-excited to make a new friend, so I agreed. When we got to late night, she suddenly remembered that she was out of meals for the week. At this point, I started getting suspicious that she was a mean girl. She didn't really want to hang out with me--- she was just hungry and figured she could steal a meal from me. And I would have seemed like a total weirdo to deny her admission-- plus, friends let friends eat for free. So, I agreed to use my meal card to get her in.

Another thing about late night. It's not the type of place you go to get a bite to eat by yourself between classes. It was generally filled with big groups of drunk or high college kids who were just getting started on a night of partying. Anyway, I got my food first and grabbed a seat on the aisle, right by the entrance of the dining hall. After a few tater tots, the mean girl walked in with her tray of food. I smiled and waved at her to signal where I was sitting, but she walked right past me and sat with her big group of fellow hipster film friends. And yes, she definitely saw me. It was a blatant blow off: the girl used me for my meal card and made me eat all by myself at late night dining. I ate as fast as I could and walked back to the dorms in the dark with all those empty calories I didn't even want.

The same year, a group of us went to Sundance and mean girl came along with her super dorky boyfriend. The guy was nice, but it was like a short bob saget dating Lady Gaga--- it just didn't make sense. A bunch of us were napping at the hotel and I woke up to Lady Gaga and Bob Saget making out on the bed. Lady Gaga was all upset about having to write a paper and Bob Saget said he'd write it for he did the last time she had a paper due. It was official, this girl sucked.

Years later, I was grabbing brunch at the Mustard Seed Cafe in LA and recognized one of the waitresses as the meal stealing paper faker mean girl. She looked stressed out and miserable and it made me feel like justice was finally served. And because I'm a nice girl, i still left that dumb bitch a tip.