Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Let me preface this story by saying I'm not so big on the bar scene anymore. I like to go out for drinks, I like to hang with my friends, but when the clock strikes 11 p.m., without fail, I'm left standing alone with my cocktail while one by one the boys head out in search of someone to go home with.
So you know my ears perked up when someone suggested drinks at Saddle Ranch. Not because I particularly like Saddle Ranch - it's OK in the "I'm from out of town, lets go to that place where Miranda ripped her blouse off on Sex in the City" sort of way, but it wouldn't typically be my first choice. Still, we had the requisite friends in from out of town and, for some reason, they all wanted to ride the bull. Plus, it's rare my gay, single friends want to spend the evening doing something other than hunting for men, so I was all over it.
Saddle Ranch is not where gay guys go to meet other gay guys. Saddle Ranch is where you go to watch men spend 15 seconds on the bull and girls spend 3 minutes up there if the bull operator likes their 36 DD's. Where the bull operator has the power to make boobs fly out of bras and guys look dumb in front of their girls. Where men go for a free jiggle show every 5 minutes -- where the drinks are over priced, but if you're a lady, it doesn't matter, because chances are, you aren't paying.
Four gay men visiting from Iowa strolled into Saddle Ranch about a minute and thirty seconds after we showed up. After hearing all about gays in West Hollywood, they got confused and headed for the Sunset Strip instead of the Santa Monica strip. If you're standing in a room with 250 straight people and four gay out of towners stroll up, this sort of magnetic pull takes over the room and you automatically find your way to the same bartender at the same time as Britney starts playing.
It didn't all happen right away. One of mine and one of theirs started chatting each other up pretty quickly, but the others held back, opting for group convo first. Then another of mine and another of theirs decided to give the bull a go, and a third of mine and one of theirs suddenly made a beeline for the bar. Which left me with a guy named Jeff - mid 30's, nice enough, but clearly looking for something I wasn't going to give. And so he took off -- with some girl from the south. They bonded. Something about their mutual love of that Carrie Underwood "I'm gonna key your car" song.
I stuck it out for a bit. One of my friends even came back long enough to say, "You must really hate these nights, don't you?" Why yes I do, thanks. In principle, I should be thrilled to play wing man, to get hit on every now and again. But as my friends get older, they don't seem to want wing men. They seem so concerned that another single gay is gonna swoop in and steal their thunder, they're half way home with their pants around their ankles before they even bother to get a first name. And so, I enjoyed the show from the sidelines for a few, and went on my merry way.
Just as I was heading out the door, the two who opted for the bull made it to the front of the line. My gay lasted 15 seconds, theirs lasted 20. The 250lbs girl behind them who was barely able to get on the bull in the first place made it three long jiggly, laugh fueled, cameras snapping away minutes.
Yeah - maybe a night at home with the boyfriend isn't so bad.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Ashby is also thought to be one of the most under appreciated directors of the New Hollywood Era (when Coppola, Scorcese, and Lucas started making films.) He pretty much fell into obscurity in the 80s and died of pancreatic cancer. The overall sentiment is that despite his own addiction problems and reclusive tendencies, Hollywood completely blew him off.
Let's just hope they don't make him turn in his grave by remaking this movie with Michael Cera as Harold and Betty White as Maude (hold up, that's actually a genius idea)
Anyway, here's the trailer. Doesn't it make you wish every movie had only Cat Stevens songs in it?
Friday, August 27, 2010
For those of you that watch Glee, you may know that the characters of Puck and Santana were dating in real life. My BF thinks Santana is the hottest girl on the show, but she's also a little crazy. Apparently, when Naya Rivera realized Mark Salling was seeing other women, she keyed his car. As far as I'm concerned, this is a minor offense, but Naya was better off exacting revenge by finding another hot celebrity to date.
Then, there was the case of model/actress Garcelle Beauvais who found out her husband Mike Nilon was cheating on her. Mike is an agent at CAA, so Garcelle sent out a mass email to everyone in his company with the subject line "Tiger Woods/Jesse James/Mike Nolin" that read: "What do they have in common . . . I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don't deserve this!"
And then, of course there's that infamous astronaut Lisa Nowak. This bitch drove all the way from Houston to Orlando to kidnap her ex boyfriend's new girlfriend. She was so determined to get her revenge that she apparently wore diapers on the cross country drive to save her the time of taking bathroom breaks. Lisa, wanting to maintain some of her dignity, vehemently denies this.
Men are crazy too. Robert Halderman coped with his break up with Stephanie Birkitt by trying to extort $2M out of her boss and former lover....David Letterman. His wikipedia page now describes him as an American television news writer, director, producer, AND CONVICTED FELON.
Finally, as much as I think Cry Me a River is probably one of the most genius music videos of all time..it was slightly psycho of Justin Timberlake to react to his break up with Britney that way. I mean, the guy hired a Britney look alike to be in the music video of the song he wrote about the demise of their relationship. And in that video, he gets his revenge by videotaping himself make out with a hot brunette with ass cleavage.
So, readers...any good stories you know about people going off the deep end after a blow off?
and yes, I will look for any excuse to post this video. Don't you just love the way he inhales Brit Brit when she walks in the house? And doesn't it make you feel old to see how big her cell phone is?!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
That said, I've got a lot of beef with girls that tend to abandon their friends more often than not. For awhile, I felt like I was always the dependable single friend that nursed my besties through break ups and then stopped hearing from them once they met their next boyfriend. Then there would be another break up and the cycle would continue...I've always made a concerted effort not to be "that girl."
My high school BF and I would get into fights all the time, because he felt like I spent more time at my best friend's house who lived across the street from him. But before he and I dated I hung out with her all the time and I didn't feel right about ditching her...especially since she was missing her high school exchange student boyfriend who'd moved back to Germany.
In college, I met a guy I really liked two months before I moved to New York. I thought our lack of time together justified spending less time with my friends. One day he was off shooting a documentary and I had an entire day to kill. My only friend from school who'd stayed in Berkeley for the summer wasn't around, so I hung out in a cafe and went to a movie by myself. When I saw her that evening and found out she was actually free all day, I made the mistake of telling her that the BF was indisposed and if I had known she was available, we could have hung out. She interpreted that to mean I was only free to spend time with her if my boyfriend was busy and was understandably pissed. And she should have been. I was "that girl"! But then she called me co-dependent and the gloves came off.
Then, three years later that college BF was living in NY and we were in this weird middle ground between dating and being friends. We had plans to go to dinner one night, but I felt bad about leaving my roommate home because she was going through a really bad break up. I insisted that she come with us in my quest to refrain from being "that girl." She finally agreed and the three of us spent that night discussing the upsetting details of her break up. A month later, when the college BF finally ended our weird middle ground and told me we should just be friends--- he referenced that night as his wake up call. Apparently, dissecting my friend's break up had put him in panic mode and made him realize he wasn't ready for something serious. Maybe that night I had been "that girl" and left my roommate at home...especially since I'd spent a lot of lonely nights there when she was still in a relationship.
At the end of the day, we're all guilty of spending less time with our friends when we're in a relationship and that's why we have to be understanding when our friends do it to us. We can't get mad at them every time they'd rather be with a boy, but it's also wrong to fall completely off the map only to come crawling back when our dicks have left us for other chicks.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
*The show starts with Gia bitching out Nikki for not voting Kiptyn out of the house. Gia's totally on my shit list here, especially since she was the mastermind behind this whole plan and she fucked things up in the first place by giving Wes a rose!
*Then, just went things can't get worse, it's time for the grossest challenge yet: a kissing contest. I would have been the first contestant to back out. You couldn't pay me enough to kiss these people. I don't know where those mouths have been! Natalie of course said she'd kiss everyone in the house for $20. That my friends is one cheap slut.
*So, first the guys have to kiss all the girls who are blindfolded. Then vice/versa. These scenes were not for the weak of heart. The kisses were worse than the opening of the movie Kids! Plus, does the make up artist have enough foundation to cover the cold sores that are bound to pop up?
*Ashley backs out of the kissing contest, but not because she doesn't want to get thrush...she claims she's a teacher and doesn't want to disappoint her students. Can we take a moment to mourn the fact that we have an educational system in America where this girl is a teacher?!
*Gia cries her eyes out about having to kiss any of the guys, because she's got a boyfriend. I thought Gia was stunning the first time I saw her, but the more this bitch talks, the uglier she gets. Does she actually think her boyfriend isn't going to dump her after he sees her drool all over Wes?
*The kissing went on forever. There was a lot of tongues shoved down a lot of throats. David (#2) was especially heavy on the tongue, but all the girls kept raving about what a hot kisser he was.
*This is where I have major beef with Elizabeth or Agent Orange as we call her. She went on and on about what a horrible kisser the weatherman was. It was so mean!!! Poor weatherman probably tried to slit his wrists after this episode aired. And then, when she had to kiss him again, she spit afterwards! What a bitch. This is the same girl that hated Craig M when she first met him, because of how mean he was to weatherman. She sucks!
*I like to imagine that Chris Harrison actually went into a little room to tally the votes of the kissing contest, but I'm guessing they make a PA do all the grunt work, which once again proves this guy does nothing! Anyway, the winners of the kissing contest are....David and Peyton!
*We all cheer when Peyton wins, because her kisses were the least offensive. She's potentially the classiest girl in the house. And in a shocking move, she takes Kovacks and Kiptyn on her date along with Jesse B (who I can no longer call the 24 year old, because he's 25).
*Dave gets to take three girls to Vegas on his date and he picks Nikki, Natalie, and Krisily. We all decide Krisily might be one of our favorites. She's super cute and her school girl crush on David is endearing. I can forgive her for clearly having bad taste in men, because David def came in on the first boat from Douche Bag Island.
*Natalie is fucking ridiculous on the Vegas trip. Our very own Rossvm summed it up perfectly: "she looks like an STD." and she does. Just when Krisily was going to confess her love to David, Natalie starts frolicking on all the chaise lounges. Why couldn't she have fallen and broken her neck?! Is there no God??
*Then, in another shocking move, Natalie goes topless in the hot tub. I so want David to surprise us and see through her wicked ways. And I kind of wish Nikki and Krisily would stoop to her level, because their boobs put Natalie's to shame, but they keep their dignity.
*If you don't believe me about Nikki and Krisily's boobs, just watch the next scene where they're all in the fantasy suite. They are sporting more cleavage than Heidi Montag, folks. David has to give the rose to one girl and he let's down the entire world by picking STD face. And just like that, the fantasy suite doors close and Natalie and David get. it. on. This would have been the perfect place for ABC to insert a PSA on what to do if you or someone you love is a slut.
*Back at the house, Tenley tries to cuddle with Kiptyn, but he blows her off big time. I don't get it? Doesn't he know they're meant to be together? I mean, they both have first names that only Sarah Palin could have come up with.
*Poor Tenley, I feel bad for her. I want her to find love. She's one of the few non-sluts on the show and she keeps getting rejected!
*Peyton goes drag racing on her date with the guys, while back at the house Agent Orange looks like Glenn Close at the end of Fatal Attraction. She's flipping out that Kovacks is on a date with another woman and that he could get the fantasy suite rose!
*The drag racing date is a serious step down from going to Vegas, but I still love Peyton even though she's wearing super ugly True Religion jeans. Honestly, I don't remember much from this date. The guys are boring. I can barely tell Kiptyn and Kovacks apart. Jesse B is wearing yet another ugly outfit, but he's got it bad for Peyton and that makes me like him, because she's the most normal girl in the house. He gets the rose and Peyton invites him to the fantasy suite...which is in the bachelor pad! It's super ghet-to compared to where David and Natalie spent the night. And you know the hotel asked ABC to do re-sanitize after those two left.
*The worst part about this episode was the awful scenes we were forced to watch between Gia and Wes. Gia practically had a nervous breakdown during the kissing contest, but then she basically spends the rest of the episode in Wes's bed. This girl makes no sense. Then, she swoons when Wes sings some terrible country song and describes him as "a modern day Shakespeare only way cuter and better." Wait. Do we actually think she knows who Shakespeare is?
*It becomes pretty clear that Gia is probably going to get voted off by the guys, because she tried to break up the inner circle. Wes does his best to convince the dudes to vote off Elizabeth and his argument actually makes a lot of sense, but the guys aren't having it.
*At yet another shocking rose ceremony where Melissa Rycroft does absolutely nothing, poor little Weatherman gets voted off. Then, there's a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. David gets the tie breaking vote, because he won the kissing contest. It's pretty obvious he's going to vote for Gia, so that his friend Kovacks can continue getting laid. I'm pretty happy to see dumb Gia go and I hope she and Wes don't end up together, because I seriously think the world would implode if they were allowed to procreate.
*Next week's episode looks AWESOME! The contestants have to play that mean game where they basically have to say how much they hate each other and what big sluts everyone is! I don't know if I can wait till Monday to see all the girls call Natalie an STD face....this could be the best episode yet....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
We haven't talked about the Tiger Woods scandal much on this site, but Elin had a tough year. In November, she found out her EX! husband (Tiger Woods, duh) was cheating on her. She reacted the way most women in her situation would and attacked him with a golf club. Then, she withstood the humiliation of cheap stripper after cheap cocktail waitress coming out of the woodwork with intimate details of their affair with the father of Elin's children. To add insult to injury, most water cooler conversations were unsympathetic to her plight. There was a lot of "what did she expect" and "that's what she signed up for" and "could she really be that surprised"? After all, if you want her lifestyle, then the trade off is getting cheated on.
But do we really have to fault the woman for trusting her husband? It's kind of crappy that we live in a world where that kind of confidence and faith = stupid. Maybe deep down she did worry she'd get cheated on...but not with at TRASHY card carrying STDs or with text message exchanges like: "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you."
All of us wondered if Elin would forgive him. Personally, I assumed she would. Either for the kids or because she loved him or because of pressure from the Tiger Woods brand management team. Elin would be just another Vanessa Bryant...buy her a big enough ring and she'd turn a blind eye.
Um, that's not what she did. The final judgment in the divorce papers states the marriage "is hereby dissolved because it is irretrievably broken." Elin gets back her maiden name, $100M (more money than was in the pre-nup), and the right to move the kids to Sweden. The big pay off does have a hush money factor to it--- Elin can't go on Oprah or write a book, but here's hoping she didn't want to do any of that shit anyway and that she has a lot of good girlfriends that she can privately bitch to about what a cocksucker she married. I wish her a nice quiet life in Europe with a way hotter husband and a lot of retail therapy.
As for Tiger, I could care less. I don't feel bad at all that he lost his wife, precious time with his children, a significant amount of money, and a crapload of dignity. Cause guess what? That's what he signed up for.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Our last week in New York was a whirlwind. We threw a good bye party in our tiny little shoe box of an apartment. I took the opportunity to invite a few guys I had dated in NY-- either for some last minute nookie or just to clue them in that I was leaving the city and they had officially lost their opportunity to win me back. A couple of them showed, a couple of them didn't.
Before we knew it, it was our last day in New York and the following morning we'd be hitting the road (1st stop, Knoxville, TN).
One of the boys that didn't attend our party was Asian Fetish Boy. It wasn't a big surprise that he didn't show up...but it was a surprise when he sent me a message on Friendster apologizing for not being able to come and asking if I had time to hang out before I left. I texted him during my last night and let him know I'd be hanging out at Piano's in the LES if he wanted to meet up. I've referenced the blow off that followed, but here are the details. After a nice last supper, Kayoko (SAF), my roommate, and I made the walk from the East Village to the Lower East Side. I was determined to make our last night in NY memorable and didn't really care either way if Asian Fetish boy came to hang out. Well, I kind of cared. I never really felt like I'd gotten closure with him and it would have been fun to hang out with a guy who could throw out sarcastic quips with the best of them. I remember Kayoko managing my expectations and telling me there was no way he was going to meet us. After all, it was Saturday at almost 1am. The dude probably had better things to do.
But he didn't blow me off. He came by himself to hang out. I couldn't believe it. Clearly, the guy totally regretted how things ended between us and had come to confess his undying love. Awesome! Around 2am we parted way with my friends and went to Cherry Tavern for some tequila shots and tecate. He spent most of the night apologizing for having been a jerk to me and feeling really bad about it and blah blah blah. Hmmm. I started thinking he had just come to meet me to make himself feel like less of an asshole. It was kind of sweet, I mean, sure we all want the guys who wrong us to feel crappy about it, but a year had passed, and I was over it. (boys think we never get it over it).
At 4am, Cherry Tavern closed and we walked up Avenue A to get some pirogies at Odessa. By 6am, it was way past my bedtime and I had to be up in two hours to make a thirteen hour drive to Tennessee. He walked me back to my apartment and we said good bye. I kind of assumed all night that we'd have a hot and heavy make out session before we say good bye. I mean, after all-- we had spent the last five hours together reminiscing and I was leaving town-- so there were definitely no strings attached. Even though I wasn't Asian/Pacific Islander, we had rapport…shouldn't that have been more important?
We didn't make out. Even though I threw myself at him. Stop judging me. I was drunk, I had nothing to lose, and the only thing better than ending my time in NY with tequila and pirogies would have been ending it with a good bye kiss. Despite our lingering hug good bye, he flat out wouldn't kiss me. Looking back, there were probably three explanations: 1. he was physically repulsed by me. 2. the diner food mixed with the alcohol was not doing my breath any favors. 3. He had a girlfriend or was dating someone.
I'm hoping it was #3. Either way, it was still a night worth blogging about and at least I didn't leave the empire state pining after some boy I'd made out with. Instead, I looked onward and upward and thought of all the California Love in my future....
Friday, August 20, 2010
From one of our loyal readers:
"I once go dumped the day I had my wisdom teeth out. I was so hopped up on vicodin I said it was okay and made a joke. She slapped me in the face and then realized how painful that was because of the surgery. It wasn't until after the painkillers wore off that I realized how upset I was. Oh well."
This is not right. You can't break up with someone after they're all vulnerable from oral surgery. After I got my wisdom teeth pulled, I was not only throwing up, but I also looked all bruised and puffy. Kind of like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
That said, if you are trying to blow someone off and you're worried about how they're going to react, maybe slip them some vicodin before you do it to soften the blow.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Since I make it a point to not stay close friends with guys I've dated, I've never attended the wedding of an ex (and would never if I was invited.) Actually, as far as I know, none of my significant exes are married. Either way, I think there should be a rule that the only person at your wedding you've had sex with is the person you're marrying.
If you don't agree with me, just watch the trailer for The Romantics. Here's the deal, Josh Duhamel is marrying Anna Paquin, but apparently he and Katie Holmes dated forevs, and she's a bridesmaid in the wedding. Awkward.
I'm totally into this movie by the way. I'm a sucker for what I've just coined the "friends forever" genre. You know--- those ensemble movies like The Big Chill, St. Elmos Fire, Indian Summer, Beautiful Girls...all classics.
They usually take place in some east coast town with an all white cast that's effortlessly stylish. And there's always the obligatory outcast character who's new to the group, because some douche thought it would be a good idea to bring his annoying girlfriend around. And the friends usually have a name for their clique (in this case, they call themselves "the romantics" because of their incestuous dating history.)
Anyway, with a wedding on the horizon....tension and old hurts ensue among the friends. Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to invite Katie Holmes to this wedding?
So, for all of you married folks---- were there any exes at your wedding? And for the rest of us, would any of you be dumb enough to go to an exes wedding or would you blow it off? Comment below.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
*Since I was stuck in traffic, I missed the first ten minutes of the show and didn't get to see the girls eat pie. But I did catch the boys. Is this an homage to Stand By Me or what? Craig M tries to eat the pie with his hair. David doesn't understand why being on steroids doesn't help him eat pie. Tenley is hoping Kipton will win so that they can bone on their date...but in a stunning move, Weatherman eats the most pie and wins.
*So, Gia and Weatherman both earn roses. Wait, hold up. Gia is a supermodel and she can eat a lot of pie? That's it. I hate her.
*Two cliques start forming in this episode. The Outsiders and the Socs. Okay, that's a literary reference folks. Look it up.
*The outsiders decide they need to unite and break up the clique of popular kids (Kovacs, Elizabeth, Kipton, Tenley, Natalie, David, Wes). I'm totally into this game now and I'm rooting for the underdogs. I hate popular people.
*Gia lays down the law for weatherman and tells him he needs to give the rose to one of the outsiders. She keeps telling him how much he loves him, blah blah blah. Gia could tell Weatherman to cut off his balls and he would do it.
*Weatherman gets his date card and picks Gwen, Ashley, and Peyton. OMG, two dates in a row for Gwen, this is the most action this girl has gotten in years.
*Can we say budget cuts? Ali Fedotowsky got private plane rides and trips to Iceland on her dates. Weatherman takes his ladies to some run down warehouse where they have to roll around in paint and we have to once again see Weatherman in a speedo again. I have to pause the TV at this point to run into the bathroom and vomit.
*I've decided Chris Harrison does not have the easiest job in the world. That title just went to Melissa Rycroft. She just comes out and tells them to use their bodies to paint and then peaces out. She had to sit through hair and make up for that?
*I think it's actually kind of cute that Weatherman has the hots for Gwen. I want them to fall in love and have the next televised wedding on ABC. But Gwen says that's never gonna happen, even though weatherman gives her the rose and that both their favorite places in the world is Positano. Oh, gosh--- poor weatherman is never going to lose his virginity!
*Weatherman and Gia have another pow wow and she tells him that he needs to make Craig M his bitch and the two of them need to stick together. Gia says over and over again that she's going to give Craig M the rose. Yes, my shifty boyfriend gets to stick around for another week (hopefully!)
*It's time for Gia to pick the three guys she wants to take on her date. She goes with Craig M, Wes, and then she decides to pick the final name out of a bowl...WTF?! Not only is Gia gorgeous and can eat pie with the best of them...BUT she's also a GENIUS! She writes down Jesse's name over and over again. I actually have no idea why she does this instead of just picking Jesse, but in Gia we trust.
*Jesse practically creams himself when Gia picks his name out of the bowl.
*Another low budget date. Gia takes the boys to a park in downtown LA with a bed in it. She tells Craig M right off the bat that she's going to give him the rose and that she's been dying to tell him this all day. Craig is super psyched.
*Jesse and Gia have a long chat and he basically says he doesn't care about Natalie at all and that she means nothing to him. I bet that's exactly what Brad Pitt said about Jennifer Aniston when he was faced with the prowess of Angelina Jolie. I kind of feel bad for Natalie, all it took was one coy smile from Gia and Jesse just loses interest in the girl that's been giving it up. And that's it for me, folks. I have lost all hope in love and relationships.
*Then, something really weird happens. Gia and Wes have some alone time and I realize that Gia totally loves this douchey douche. I mean, if ever there was proof that woman are fucking idiots, this is it. Wes is straight up nasty. He just spouts off some generic compliments and Gia can't see straight anymore.
*OMG. Gia gives the rose to Wes. You've got to be kidding me. Her boyfriend back home better look like Sloth from The Goonies for her to be into this guy. What will this mean for my main squeeze, Craig M?
*Ugh, I cannot wait for the vampire and agent orange to get booted from this show. They are so annoying! I love when she calls herself a dumb smart girl. Um, no Elizabeth, you are a fucking retarded dumb girl.
*The best part of this whole episode has to be the soft porn scene where agent orange and the vampire take a shower. All we hear is "oh, oh" and then we see some weird silhouettes. At this point, I'm about 99.9% certain they are having butt sex. Kovacs could get this chick to do anything.
*Natalie and Jesse have some conversation about whether she's effed other guys in the house and she says she has no shame and basically says that she's effed them all. Then, the next thing I know, she's crying and they're broken up. Okay, now I'm crying. I was so invested in their love.
*Jessie and David dry hump in the hot tub and Jessie tells him all about the outsiders and their master plan. Krisily hears the whole thing and she's pissed. She starts to tell everyone that Jessie is playing both sides. Jessie denies this and tells David she hearts him even though the steroids have shrunk his man parts.
*All the outsider girls agree they are going to vote Kipton off. I'm kind of confused. Kipton is part of the cool clique, but he's the nicest one of the in crowd. Why wouldn't they get rid of Kovacs? This must be where the ABC producers come in. They need to have Kovacs on the show so they can have more priceless moments of Elizabeth crying and being completely pathetic.
*Nikkie's three chins tremble at the thought of voting Kipton off, because apparently they're really good friends. She has a moral dilemma--- does she keep her word to the girls or does she save Kipton and the entire popular crowd. Poor, Nickster, she just wants to be part of the cool crowd, even though she's old enough to have given birth to half these people.
*The rose ceremony begins and I totally take it back. Melissa Rycroft does have a hard job. She has to hand out roses. This girl is like the next Vanna White.
*Jessie gets voted off even after she gave it up to David in the hot tub. AND....Craig M gets voted off too!!! I'm so mad. Nikkie totally screwed the outsiders!!! But you know what, I don't blame Nikkie. I BLAME GIA. I can't believe she has the balls to even be mad at Nikkie when she was the one that could have given Craig the rose in the first place instead of falling for cheesy Garth Brooks. And just like that, my Miami Vice boyfriend is gone...never to be seen from again until he gets another reality show offer....
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
When you loved someone in high school you had two goals: to keep it secret from as many people as possible...and then to eventually get the guts to confess your love.
I've written about my high school infatuation more than a few times on this site, so this is my BFF's story.
She had hit the wall with unrequited love and decided it was time to make her move. Her crush's best friend lived right across the street from her and the crush basically spent all his time there during his free 7th period. So, my bff decided she would go across the street to confess her undying love. She's an amazing artist, so she drew him a picture and wrote the lyrics to a Queen song on the back. She put on her prettiest dress and charged over there like a woman on a mission.
I had Spanish during 7th period and while I was conjugating verbs, my BFF walked in and asked Senora Navarro if she could talk to me outside ("me permite hablar con sara?"). From the look on her face, I thought someone had died.
Outside of class, she asked me to "guess what happened" after she went across the street. I thought maybe he let her down gently or told her he had a girlfriend. Nope, she said "it's worse than that." He never opened the door. She waited...and waited and he never opened the door. She was convinced he saw her walking toward the house or looked through the peephole and decided the best way to avoid her was just not to answer. I felt terrible. I did what we all do when our friends get rejected. I told her he sucked and that she was way too good for him. And I was telling the truth. Regardless, she was humiliated.
Months later, I started dating her crush's best friend (the guy that lived in the house across the street from her.) The house was a giant Victorian totally out of place on a normal suburban street. We started hanging out there all the time and realized that the house was so big, that if you were upstairs (where the dudes always hung out and played music) you could never hear anyone ring the doorbell. In fact, they literally had an old fashioned bell you had to ring in order for anyone to know there was someone at the door. Well, my friend was already taking a leap of faith by ringing the normal doorbell, there was no way she was gonna ring the old school bell like she was Glenn Close.
At our ten year high school reunion, we told her old crush the story and he confirmed that he never heard her come to the door. It was the blow off that never actually happened. To this day, she's relieved her plans to pour her heart out never came to fruition, but I can't help but wonder how different our lives would be if he would have just heard her ring the bell....
Monday, August 16, 2010
Why, you might ask?
Well, for starters, seeing John Cusack and Jeremy Piven on screen together reminded me of Say Anything. AND I got a kick out of the fact that John Corbett and Bridget Moynahan always get type cast as people who get blown off. AND I think there should be a law that Molly Shannon has to play the "best friend" in every romantic comedy ever made from now on. I could seriously go on and on...but most importantly, I loved it cause for two hours it had me believing in fate and soul mates and signs. Something I haven't really put much weight in since I was a ten year old who spent her free time in the new age section of Walden Books at Vallco Mall in Cupertino (seriously.)
That said, I do believe that the universe sent me a sign about my BF. The year was 2005. We both lived in New York and worked at ABC. There's about a million and one things that had to take place for both of us to end up there. Think about it: he was born in Pennsylvania in the 1977, I was born in Tehran in 1980. If any of our paths took a different route since birth, we'd never be working in the same high rise on the upper west side.
Either way, working in the same building wasn't enough to get us together. Even though we both took the L train and the 1/9 to work every morning and rode the elevator together countless times, we rarely spoke. We were both aware the other existed, but that was about it. I'll be honest, I was aware of him because he was the cutest guy in the building. I only remember two interactions with him vividly. Once, in the commissary, he came up to me and said "what's for lunch" (me: a panini). another time at a holiday party he said bye to me after I had just taken a huge bite of pasta.
So. 2005. I'm at a bar called The Cellar on 14th street between 1st and 2nd avenue getting blown off by a guy I was super infatuated with. This was a guy I had dated in California briefly who three years later had finally moved to New York. I thought for sure his move was a "sign" that we were meant to be together, but it didn't work out that way. So, as this guy was explaining all the reasons he was dumping me, I looked toward the bar and standing there was the cute guy from work...getting cozy with his girlfriend.
At the time, I thought the universe was laughing at me. Like, hahaha Saaara--- your ass is getting dumped and just to add salt in the wound--- we wanted you to know that the cute you guy you work with totally has a girlfriend. You're such a loser. hahahaha.
A month after that, ABC offered me another job in LA. A small part of me was tempted to turn it down and stay in NY in case the guy that just dumped me had a change of heart. But cooler heads prevailed and I took the job. I moved back to California in the fall of 2005.
In November of that year, I went to Orlando on a business trip and as it turned out...the cute guy from work was now single and on the same business trip. A few drinks and a (completely innocent night, I swear mom and dad) in a hotel room...and here we are almost five years later, sharing an apartment in LA. The BF even reminded me last night that the morning after our innocent tryst, he rummaged through my purse when I was in the bathroom so he could look at my driver's license and find out what my name was. Ooops.
So, it turns out maybe the universe wasn't laughing at me after all. Maybe that night at the bar, it was just sending me a sign that said even though it sucked to get blown off...the guy I was really meant to be with was at the other end of the bar. Or maybe it was all just a giant coincidence and there are no signs. What do you think, peeps: do you believe in the whole destiny thing or is it all just total bull shit?
Friday, August 13, 2010
Function: noun; adjective
Origin: Since the release of Almost Famous
Definition: The kind of girl that changes her likes and dislikes (and style) depending on the guy she's dating.
(Betsy used to have In-N-Out once a week until she met Jedediah and became a vegetarian. That girl is such a Kate Hudson.)
Damn, Kate Hudson is like an international woman of mystery! How did she not get cast in SALT? Quick, how do I get her to contribute to the BLOW OFF!?
CASE IN POINT:
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Anyway, I got this amazing email yesterday from one of our readers who decided to quit her job b/c of an email her boss sent out. The names have been changed to protect the identities involved:
"My boss sent this email to me and copied the entire HR team on it. While I didn't curse over the intercom, grab beers, or slide down a chute, I did quit my consulting job today. In case you're wondering about the reference to my MISS yesterday (see below), it was because my boss asked me at the very last minute to include "Peter" on the interview loop. I didn't even know my company had a second location and when scheduling with my candidate asked her to go to Peter's office. I still don't know about this office that isn't referenced anywhere on our website or to my knowledge.
It would have been a much better use of time to point out that the CEO with whom my candidate met thought she rocked and my hiring manager wants to extend an offer. These things, unfortunately, are not important to my FORMER boss.
Here is his lovely email to me and the entire team.
We had a BIG miss yesterday. The coordination was POOR. Following up and ensuring that we are on track to meet with the candidates and that the managers are on point to meet with the candidate. Peter is in a different office location than John. As such Peter didn’t have a chance to interview the Global PR person. An assumption was made and we didn’t coordinate.
On the Global PR role, please have Peter and Sean meet with the Global PR person.
We need to a better job covering for each other. NEED Calendars are aligned. NEED to ensure we are using the recruiting tools. NEED all resumes and candidate information is on jobvite. NEED to have us OVER communicating with our managers. OPEN DOOR POLICY. NEED us to use the interview rooms. NEED us Instant Messenger. WE ARE FAILING.
These are basics! As I indicated in the HR team call yesterday. We are from a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being excellent, and 1 being poor…. we are operating at a level 3. I have a Recruiting Coordinator offer outstanding that will increase the complexity of coordination while at the same time increase the number of resumes coming into the requisitions.
Operationally, please note that I am going to schedule conference calls with hiring manager and recruiters to go through the requisition prioritization and will ask each of you to be on the call at a specific time point.
Are we in agreement that we are in a level three? What can I get from you to improve our recruiting organization? Please REPLY ALL. Thanks."
Um, WTF? I hope someone replied all to that shit and said "On a scale of 1 to 10....1 being sane and 10 being batshit crazy, you are operating on a motherfucking 11."
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Fuck it. I'm done fighting it.
*The Bachelor Pad poses the life long question: For love or money? In this case, it's more like For douche bags or money? If this is supposed to the driving tension of the whole show, it kind of sucks. Like any of these trashy people are gonna trade in $250K just to add to their collection of STDS. I don't think so.
*BTW, all star reality shows are my favorite kind. There's only one thing worse than a person that goes on a reality show: a person that goes on a reality show multiple times. These people are LOSERS.
*The show starts in front of my dream house with my dream man (Chris Harrison). The first limo pulls up and out walks Tenley. Wow. I thought Ali was perky. This girl is beyond annoying! I believe I declared on this blog that she wasn't chosen by Jake Pavelka, because of her bad blow job lips.
*The 24 year old is back (Jesse). YES! He's so hot and I love that he doesn't speak. He's the perfect little mimbo.
*Then this chick Natalie shows up and she and Tenley have multiple orgasms when they see each other. Natalie wears just the right dash of "I'm easy" and knows the way to a man's heart is telling him his tattoos are sexy. If things don't work out between these two, I will be devastated.
*More limos pull up. Here are the highlights: Nikki's pissed that Juan was in the house, because he wam, bam, thank you mam'd her. This chick Gwen shows up who no one knows, because she was on The Bachelor twenty years ago. Everyone talks about how old she is and during her interviews her age shows up as "??" Tenley flips when this one guy shows up who's name I can't remember, because he looks like every other guy on the show. Gia arrives and all the girls want to commit suicide, because she's so gorgeous. I feel for these girls. I don't even like living in a solar system where Gia and I have to co-exist.
*Elizabeth (AKA Agent Orange) gets really happy when "Kovacs" shows up. I'm really happy too, because clearly the producers of The Bachelor read my recaps, because they made my dreams come true and brought a real life vampire on the show. Have you seen the guy's teeth?
*The last limo pulls up and it's...wait for it...Craig M. HELL YES. That hair, those fluorescent polo shirts, the awkward shifty eyes. I'm in love. Weatherman delivers the funniest line ever when he says that Craig M showing up pretty much confirmed to him that there is no god. Poor thing.
*People hate Craig M. especially Agent Orange b/c he picked on Weatherman. The cast of characters are even more lame than I thought! They still watch The Bachelor!
*And then something TERRIBLE happens. Chris Harrison introduces his co-host. Does anyone else find Melissa Rycroft extremely annoying and offensive? And then, she has the nerve to announce to everyone that she's married now?! What a bitch. These people are single, poor, orange, and on a reality show. How dare she flaunt her perfect life at them.
*Also, since when does it take two people to do Chris Harrison's job??? What, the guy is overworked or something? The world's easiest job just got a whole lot easier.
*Side note, I'm so into Krisily. She keeps saying my favorite reality TV line: I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win $250,000. Oooooh, snap....
*Everyone gets into their bathing suits. My favorite fake boob/leathery skin combo is on display left and right. The girls all decide they will vote off Craig M. I don't believe this! He barely lasted on The Bachelorette and now these bitches want to get rid of him too? Weatherman was right, there is no god.
*The first challenge is a total JOKE. Twister? WTF? On Fear Factor they had to eat shit. On Survivor they have to eat bull testicles. On the Real World/Road Rules challenge they have to do obstacle courses way harder than the ones on Double Dare. ABC, you don't fool me. This is just an opportunity to air cleavage and butt crack shots.
*OMG. Craig M wins Twister. He can't get voted off. There is a god after all!! Now, he gets to pick three girls to go on a date with him. On that date, he'll give one girl a rose and she'll be safe from elimination.
*The next thirty minutes are basically a bunch of girls trying to get Craig to take them on his date.
*At some point, weatherman says something about what might happen if he hooked up with two girls in the house. Awww, that's so sweet. Weatherman actually thinks he's going to get action.
*Tenley spreads a rumor that Michelle (the crazy girl) and Craig M hooked up in the middle of the night. Everyone talks smack about Michelle whoring herself out for a rose and she gets really mad.
*Craig picks Jessie, Gwen (shocker!), and Agent Orange. They all hop into a limo and Jessie wears nothing but her bikini. Um, I can barely walk from my chaise to the pool in my bikini. Who does this bitch think she is? This is a respectable family show!
*Craig and his girlfriends frolic on the beach and Orange and Craig end up on some rock to have yet another conversation about how he needs to prove to her that he's not a jerk. I love how reality TV makes this whole exchange seem so spontaneous, yet camera men had to climb on those rocks to get this all on tape.
*Craig tells Agent Orange he's attracted to her. Gross. I want him to love Gwen. She seems insecure and lonely and in need of some male attention. Especially since the doctors accidentally put her breast implants in her cheeks.
*The date continues to the Greek Theater where Craig has to give out his rose. He picks Jessie. Agent Orange is pissed! They slow dance to that guy who used to be in that band who now has a solo career who still keeps singing that one hit wonder.
*Back at the house, shit goes down with Tenley and Michelle in the bathroom. Basically, Michelle threatens to kill Tenley with her electric toothbrush, because Tenley started a nasty rumor about her. This Michelle bitch is straight up crazy! Tenley loses her shit and cries to Orange and everyone in the whole house is pissed. No one messes with Princess Tenley and gets away with it!
*Did anyone else feel like there was about five million conversations between Agent Orange and Edward Cullen (Kovacs)? I get it: she loves him, he doesn't love her, and that could mean drama for the house. Poor Orange seems so pathetic, cause it's so obvious Cullen is not into her at all. All her crying drove me nuts. Get it together girl.
*The best part of this episode had to be the scenes of Natalie and Jesse sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace. The whole thing was shot from behind and totally reminded me of those compilation music ads from the 80s where couples sit by the fireplace and listen to Endless Love.
*Vote time! All the ladies (besides Queen Gia of the Valley) are wearing ugly cocktail dresses that make them look fat and top heavy. Juan thinks Nikki still has a hard on for him and isn't going to vote him off. Sucker! Even though she looks like an encased sausage in that shiny yellow dress, she's still smart enough to vote that loser off the show.
*Craig votes Michelle off cause the BJ she gave him was too teethy. Then, he lies to her face and says he didn't vote for her! OMG, that is totally something Weatherman would do. Those two are meant to be together.
*This is longest effing rose ceremony EVER. Crazy Michelle and Juan are voted off. Let this be a lesson to you boys--- you never know when the girl you use for sex ends up on the same reality show as you and prevents you from winning a quarter of a million dollars.
*Fingers crossed Michelle shows up halfway through this season with a machete and kills everyone (it's reality TV, it's fake!) and the season ends early and we all get our lives back. And Chris Harrison gets the $250K by default.
Anyway, teen shows just aren't the same anymore. Could you imagine the voice over: "people are always saying you should just be yourself, like your self is this definite thing, like a toaster or something" on Gossip Girl? I didn't think so. That said, the break up is followed by what may be cheesiest scene in MSCL history....Angela riding her bike and letting go of the handlebars. Oh, the symbolism.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The man cave is the straight guy's sanctuary. Apparently, when you're living with your wife or girlfriend, you have to have a space where you can do man stuff....otherwise, you may risk turning into a girl. Guys are so serious about their man caves, you'd think they're hiding Osama Bin Laden in them.
As you can probably tell, I kind of resent the whole man cave set up, but it's not because I'm opposed to couples having alone time. The best advice anyone ever gave me about moving in together was that you have to learn to be alone in your own space. Living together does not mean a 24/7 snuggle fest on the couch. But I like things to be fair....
....so, the other day I made the mistake of telling my bf I'd be writing about man caves on the blow off and posing the question "why do you get a man cave when I don't get a girl cave?"
Here are the top five reasons my bf and his friends gave.
1. The rest of the apartment is the girl cave. In other words, since the girl most likely played interior designer, the boy needs his own room to escape all the Anthropologie.
But as I write this, I'm sitting on my bf's couch, with my feet up on my bf's coffee table. In fact, most of the stuff in our apartment is his. That said, he has great taste, so this isn't a bad thing. (Also, I won the battle of getting my bedroom furniture in the master bedroom. And, full disclosure...the bedroom closet and dresser are full of my clothes. But other than that our bedroom is very much neutral territory.) Even though I'm not a total girly girl with decor, this argument had some weight to it.
2. Would I rather have his shit all over the apartment? Because that's what would happen if he didn't have the guest room to himself.
No, I wouldn't rather have his shit all over the apartment. And big shout out to the bf, because he's a lot tidier than most guys I've known. But, our apartment is still cleaner than the one he lived in before and I think I get some of the kudos on that one (As does our once a month splurge on a housekeeper). But I guess it's true, I'd be less offended by the man cave if it was clean.
3. I do have a girl cave. My office.
Hmmm. My office is more of a nook that doubles as a storage space for our dvds and video games. Plus, the man cave is ten times the size.
4. It's not a man cave. I never called it a man cave. You can use that room whenever you want.
5. Just tell me whatever makes you happy and I'll do it.
This usually happens when you drive a guy crazy enough that they opt to play martyr and make you feel like you always get your way and this is yet another time where that's happening. This is of course the smartest form of reverse psychology. Cause I respond with "Babe, you can have your man cave. I'm sorry."
I guess I don't know why I hate the man cave so much. Is it that while I fully support alone time, the notion of him needing an entire room to escape to actually does hurt my feelings? Is it because I'm just jealous and want a beautiful tree house room to myself too? I mean, even Virginia Woolf wrote a book about us ladies needing a room of our own. Is it because I resent societal pressures that "cool girls" never speak ill of the man cave? Or is it just that sometimes I feel like being an uppity bitch and pushing his buttons?
At the end of the day (and at the end of our debate) I backed off on the man cave. He can have it. After all, the pros of living together far outweigh the cons. That said, I can't promise I won't hide potpourri under the bed or sneak in during the day with my laptop and collection of Sex and the City dvds.
Friday, August 6, 2010
"She's Gone, Oh I, Oh I'd better learn how to face it."
-Hall & Oates, 1973
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I for one like to pretend my ex-boyfriends were figments of my imagination and that they don't exist, which is why I wouldn't be into watching them on a reality show. Oh, hell no.
This is what almost happened to Diana Spechler in the article she wrote for the Times entitled "Competing in my Own Reality Show." (Thanks to Minty for sending this to me). The sad thing about this is that the article was published under the Modern Love column. So, basically, losing a sig other to a reality TV show is something our generation may need to accept...scary.
Here's Diana's story in a nutshell. She was a teacher in a summer writing class. One of her students told her that he was going to be on a reality show where "with the help of his family and best friend, the casting directors would narrow his prospects to three women, allow him one hour with each, and ask him to choose his favorite. Then they would have a legitimate wedding, and the first year of their arranged marriage would be broadcast on a major television network."
The guy claimed he wanted to be on the show, because the producers promised to find him his perfect woman. Getting filmed for a year was a small trade off when it came to finding his soul mate.
This is where I get confused, because that statement has douche alert written all over it, but Diana and said soul mate seeker ended up dating (she left her boyfriend for him). And things started getting really hot and heavy. She fell in love with the guy...all the while, casting directors were sending him head shots of other girls for his impending reality show.
Can you say total fucking nightmare?
Their romance continued to heat up, but so did the red flags. Like the time Diana asked the guy if he thought she fit the bill on what the casting directors were looking for his future wife and he said "no." (Ladies, this is where you WALK AWAY)
Then the news came from the casting director that Diana's BF was getting dropped from the show because he was "frustratingly picky." She tried to hide her excitement but it didn't matter, the night before Valentine's Day, dude told her that he didn't love her.
Diana writes: "In the weeks that followed, I spent a lot of time crying to friends, hypothesizing that he had signed the contract not because he longed for love (Please! Love?) but because his narcissism knew no bounds. Of course, I was being unfair. After all, I had made myself the star of my own reality show. I had signed myself up, donned my blinders, and set my sights on winning. I just didn’t get picked." Sucks to be Diana.
The only thing worse than watching your ex become a reality star is watching them become a movie star. In my previous life as a soap executive, this exact thing happened to one of our actors. He was married. Both he and his wife had a relative amount of fame from working on soaps, but like most soap stars, they were trying to branch out to primetime TV and movies. They ended up getting divorced after his wife cheated on him...twice. Within months of their divorce, his ex-wife landed a part on a TV show that became a HUGE HIT. To add insult to injury, right outside of his house was a giant billboard of the show. The guy was feeling understandably depressed about the whole thing, so his friends decided to get his mind off of it with a few beers and a day of watching basketball....except when they turned on the game...there was his ex sitting court side...rumors abound that she was dating the star player.
Can you say total fucking nightmare?
So, whenever you're feeling bad about a blow off, it could be worse. Your ex could be on a reality show with twenty-five other peeps fawning over them...or they could be taunting you from a billboard right outside your house.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
French guy met this really great woman in LA who happened to work on a very successful television show (hint: it's a critically acclaimed period drama). They'd had three or four really good dates and she invited him to her birthday party.
The day of the party, he was a little stressed. What do you get a woman for her birthday when you haven't been dating her that long? He decided on a bottle of wine and some flowers. Bday present: done and done. But after running around all day getting ready for the party, French guy didn't have the chance to eat anything. Uh-oh.
Booze and an empty stomach are never a good combo, but French guy wasn't worried. He figured the party would go until at least 6am which would give him plenty of time to sober up or make himself throw up between cocktails if necessary. It didn't occur to him that in lame ass America chances were, the party would probably end a lot earlier.
When he arrived at the party, he was a total hit. He was talking to the birthday girl's VIP colleagues and could tell that they'd heard about him before (definitely a good sign when you've just started dating someone.) After that, it all went downhill. One of the party guests put a tray of brownies out with a sign that said "pot brownies." French guy thought the sign was a joke (note to french guys: we're not that funny in America) and he was starving, so he started downing brownies.
As the party progressed, French guy was shit faced. The kind of shit-faced where all you can think about is how shit-faced you are when other party guests try to converse with you. Then, surprise-surprise, the party wound down way before 6am. French guy and Birthday Girl were the only people left at the party and she was ready for some hot birthday sex.
But pot brownies + booze + not eating = mechanical failure. French guy couldn't perform and birthday girl was not happy about it. To say that things were awkward would be an understatement. After hearing the story, his friends coined the nickname "the birthday noodle." He and the bday girl did go out another date where he apologized about the "incident" and she responded by saying the whole experience reminded her of her ex-husband. ouch. Suffice it to say, that's where things ended.
The moral of this story is, make sure to never attend the party of someone you've just started dating on an empty stomach. Yes, it happens to everyone, but the later it happens in a relationship...the better.
Monday, August 2, 2010
All signs have been pointing to Ali "breaking all the rules" and picking no one, which makes me all the more pissed off about watching the show. I'm seriously considering making picket signs and storming ABC tomorrow. Here's my recap:
*ABC hires actors to play Ali's family, because we all really know she's been raised by a pack of wolves. Roberto and Ali reunite, so that he can meet her fake family. (Jk, I actually secretly love Ali)
*Poor Roberto, he's so sweaty. Ali's family seems a little afraid of a non-white person in their midst, but they do a good job of pretending they're cool with it. They gush about how Roberto spoke spanish to her when they first met. I think he said "tengo ganas de comer los tacos de pollo." Okay, just kidding, that means I would like chicken tacos and is the only thing I remember from Spanish class.
*In case we forgot, Roberto can salsa!!! Ali's mom asks him to dance with her. Later, Ali's mom (who's super new age) and Roberto have some alone time and she speaks broken Spanish to him. Something like I believe even though you're a latino, your heart is pure aryan.
*But who gives a shit what Ali's mom thinks. What Roberto really cares about is talking to Ali's dad. He tells Ali's dad that he's super into Ali, but Ali's dad seems a little skeptical. Maybe it's cause he doesn't want sweaty non-white grandkids?
*Now, it's Chris L's turn to hang out with Ali's family. They all gush that he's just like them (ie white) and they talk about the Cape and the Red Sox and general stuff white people talk about. We notice that Ali always goes for the sexy look with Roberto (tube top dress) and the ugly safari look for Chris, this is not a good sign.
*Again, I want to cry when Ali's mom asks Chris to tell them what their mom is like. Although I've heard the answer so many times I could give them the rundown (she was great and everyone loved her and she was a nurse).
*We gush about how great Chris L is, but one of us confesses that she thinks he's boring. We're not willing to entertain this, so we explain to her that he only seems boring, because he's nervous in front of the cameras. DO. NOT. CALL. CHRIS L. BORING.
*Chris L has the "talk" with Ali's dad and totally asks for his daughter's hand in marriage. It is so sweet, but we are about a 100% certain that he's totally going to get his heart broken. I'm hoping there's some sort of suicide watch for Chris after Ali doesn't pick him.
*Ali has a heart to heart with her mom about how her relationship with Chris is progressing slowly. I'm so confused. It's only been two months and the guy wants to propose. How much faster does she want things to move? OMG, I just had the perfect reality TV idea for ABC. Ali should be pregnant and then they should do a series called The Bachelorette: Who's your daddy? And at the end of the nine months we find out who's sperm was stronger in the fantasy suite.
*Super cheesy ass scene of Ali's family throwing on bathing suits and diving in to the gorgeous Tahiti waters. Please make it stop.
*Ali and her fam have a pow wow to discuss who's the better guy for their ray of sunshine: Roberto or Chris L? Ali's dad says something about Roberto being more sincere about his feelings for Ali. Seriously? Chris L nearly threw up telling you how much he loves Ali and you didn't think he was sincere? Ali's brother and sister totes disagree with dad and tell Ali that Chris L. is ready to get down on one knee and propose. I can't believe no one's referenced Roberto's overactive sweat glands and how they might be problematic in the long run. Ali looks all pensive and confused. What now?! Why is it so hard to be in love with two men?!?
*Ali and Roberto go on their last date before the rose ceremony. She looks really hot and they snuggle in bed and do what they always do together: giggle about how cute they are. For once, I would like to see two people on this show have a serious discussion about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan or the gulf spill or health care reform. Now, that would be the most shocking episode of the Bachelorette.
*We all flip the fuck out when Ali says that she loves Roberto and that she doesn't want her date with him to end. Wait. Hold up. Ali loves someone!?!?!?!?
*Ali shows up at Chris L's hut acting like she's on speed. We hear it in her voice, we see it in her face....this is going to be the world's most upsetting BLOW OFF we've ever witnessed. So....this is how Ali broke ALL the rules!
*Ali gives it to Chris straight. She's in love with someone else and there's only room for one guy who loves her in Tahiti, so Chris needs to scram. Okay, that's not exactly how she says it, she tells Chris that he's a great guy, but she wants to be with Roberto and she didn't want to drag things out with him any longer. Uh, you mean drag it out to the point of meeting his entire family and flying the poor guy out to Tahiti and then taking his virginity in the fantasy suite?
*Some of my fellow watchers nearly went into a catatonic state after this conversation, but I have to say, I actually really respect Ali for breaking it off with Chris L pre-rose ceremony. I'm also guessing that she had to fight the producers to be allowed to do this. You go girl! Nobody tells you how to break a heart.
*BUT, I will say, Chris L seemed totally blindsided and devastated. This was like watching a puppy get stepped on my Jessica Simpson stilettos. I have mixed feelings about this. A) I kind of feel like Chris L should have been more perceptive. Like, maybe he should have noticed that Ali recoils every time his virgin lips kiss her. B) If I were Ali, I would have given Chris L some more clues along the way that he wasn't the dude for me. I get that they're on camera and there are producers watching--- but I would have literally thrown on army fatigues, camouflaged by face, run through the beaches of Tahiti with night vision goggles, knocked on Chris L's door, and slipped him a note that would self destruct saying I wasn't gonna pick him.
*Chris L thanks Ali for dumping him and being such a great girl, then she cries while they say good bye. Um, I just want to point out that Ali basically did the exact same thing that Frank did to her.
*Then, something amazing happens. There's a giant rainbow in Tahiti. TEARS. For those of you that don't remember, Chris L's mom told him and his brothers to always look for her in rainbows and the day of her funeral there was a huge rainbow...and now there's another one on the day Ali dumped him. This is kind of crazy, so crazy that the cynic in me is convinced that ABC photoshopped this rainbow. So, I texted my cousin who works for the Tahiti Tourism Board: Is this rainbow in Tahiti real? She responded: Everything is real. That is the beauty of Tahiti. Shit. I gotta check this place out.
*So, since I have friends in high places, I get the above picture via text from my other cousin who's good friends with Ali's good friends...I pass it around to my ladies and we all scream our heads off.
*The jeweler shows up and gives Roberto his pick of rings. Do we think Ali got to approve these first? Who else thinks the jeweler should get his own spin off show?
*Now for some lame shots of Ali getting ready and holding her dress up to herself in the mirror. Does anyone actually do this in real life? Ali puts on yet another prom dress and arrives at the rose ceremony....only this time, there will only be one guy there.
*Roberto arrives on a boat and then has to climb about a thousand stairs to get to Ali so that the poor guy can sweat some more. They have some generic conversation about how cute they both are and Roberto asks Ali to marry him and she accepts! The End.
*We are all reeling from this. We're savvy entertainment peeps that live in LA. One of us even works for ABC. How were we duped into thinking Ali doesn't pick anyone? Was that the PR scheme all along?
*Once I'm over the initial shock, I'm happy for Ali and Roberto. He was my fave for most of the show and he even got the first impression rose. I cannot wait to see their televised wedding and hopefully soon there will be some blond haired little babies with butt chins running around.
*After the Rose...I'll keep this short and sweet. This after the rose ceremony totally blew! I cannot believe that Frank pussied out and didn't show up! How did the network allow this? Why aren't these guys contractually obligated to appear? One of the girls pointed out he must have not been able to find anyone to cover his shift at Abercrombie & Fitch (where he apparently met the infamous Nicole).
*Chris L is as shy, nervous, and cute as ever. Ali lays it on really thick and things are just plain awkward.
*Chris Harrison makes the same dumb expression over and over again. My bff's husband says he has the best fake interested face of all time. So true!
*Ali and Roberto are reunited. They actually seem genuinely into each other. I'm hoping all sharp objects back stage are being kept away from Chris L at this point or that somewhere in Burbank there's a freaking rainbow.
*Then, here comes the BEST part! Ali and Roberto get to go on another helicopter ride to Catalina Island (which, side note, is not a far drive). This can only mean one thing. Chris Harrison reads this blog and knows I'm a sucker for those damn helicopters. I can die happy now.
Sigh. This is it readers. No more Bachelorette updates. And we all get two hours of our lives back (until next Monday when Bachelor Pad starts, woo-hoo!!!)
Ali + Roberto = eternal love
OMG, wait...I almost forgot to write about the lame montage set to Can You Feel the Love Tonight....that was AMAZING. I highly recommend clicking below and reading this recap all over again.
Okay, so straight guy was dating this girl that he really liked, but for reasons I won't go into, he knew the relationship was going nowhere. When he felt it had finally run its course he decided it was time to end it. The girl came over one night and he told her they were done. Unfortunately, she totally did not see the blow off coming. No one had cheated, no one had met someone else, no one was moving across the country. WTF? So, she did what any girl in her predicament would do, she asked him if he'd met someone. He answered honestly: No.
Straight guy told me that if he ever finds himself in a similar situation, he's just going to lie and say "yes, there's someone else." His rationale? The lie makes things easier on everyone. The girl gets a concrete reason for the relationship fizzling and thus, has more motivation to make a clean break and move on. And the guy doesn't have to spend an eternity trying to explain himself when there's no satisfying explanation. Even though the girl's ego will probably be a little bruised by the fake other woman, isn't it ultimately getting bruised anyway by the blow off?
I'm kind of into it. Most guys would deny meeting someone else till the cows come home, but this straight guy plans to use it as his BLOW OFF calling card. So, readers...next time someone tells you they're into someone else, remember, it just might be their way of cutting short the ever dreaded blow off conversation. Tell them you want proof. And you won't accept anything less than a sex tape.