Thursday, September 30, 2010

Best of the BLOW OFF: the running man BLOW OFF

Everybody has those moments in life they aren’t proud of — moments that play on repeat in your head as you hope and pray any minute you’re going to come to and realize it happened to somebody else.

But this one did happen.

I did go on a date to a wine bar with a guy I’d been into for weeks. I did invite him back to my apartment after the two of us polished off a bottle (me on an empty stomach). I did leave him sitting on my living room sofa while I went into my room to frantically make my bed, pick shit up off of the floor and pull that old “slip into something more comfortable” move. And, when I returned to my living room to find he’d gotten up and left, I did run down three flights of stairs to the street, only to find him peeling away from the curb in a 1984 Volvo.

That’s when things got ugly… for me at least.

I don’t get left… at least not like that. That sort of thing happens in movies. I’ve had guys not call me back. I’ve had guys tell me they “just want to be friends.” Hell, we’ve all had that happen to us. But to have a guy say, “Yes, I’d love to come upstairs,” and then run the second you leave the room? Oh no. I was so not taking this lying down.

I was taking it on foot… full sprint in fact. No shoes, the stupidity of which didn’t really compute until I noticed the bleeding toe later in the shower.

Maybe I figured an ’84 Volvo would take a while to get up to speed, or that he was really just moving his car… but I ran after that guy like I was chasing the Olympic torch. And I’m not completely sure, but at some point I think I saw him clock me in his rearview mirror, because that’s when I heard the squealing of tires and got a waft of burning rubber.

“Come back, come back… your forgot your sweater,” I screamed.

He hadn’t.

Didn’t matter. He clearly wasn’t turning around. And it’s a good thing too, because standing there in no shoes, gym shorts and a tank top, I have no clue what I’d have given him.

No, he was gone, and I was alone. In the middle of the street.

So not alone.

The familiar cackle of friends broke the silence. Not the, “oh that’s so funny, I can’t believe you just did that,” cackle. The, “Say hi to the camera because this shit’s going on Facebook” cackle.

Why is that when you’re at your lowest, you can never just wallow in self-pity alone? Why must there always be an audience?

I guess it’s fitting. In low moments like these, you need your friends — first to convince you it wasn’t “as bad as it seems.” Then to remind you there are “other fish in the sea.” And finally, to scream at the top of their lungs when they see the guy making his way toward you in a crowded bar so you can dive behind a table and escape further humiliation.

My friends frequently attempt to make me feel better about the entire situation by reminding me that two months later, on a night when their humiliation alert clearly didn’t sound on time, we ran into each other in a bar. He greeted me with a, “Hello Ross,” a hug and a, “we should hang out some time… let me give you my number.”

I took it. And never used it.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Best of the BLOW OFF-- SAF: The Magical Blow Off



As a single person, it's been a little harder to share my blowoff stories so liberally. It's all kosher fun when you're in a committed relationship and can look back and laugh at the good ol' days of dating--but it's not so easy when you're still mining through these muddy waters.

And let me tell you, these waters are thick and full of parasites and other unclassified strains of questionable male/female species.

That said, I am chock full of priceless blowoff stories that are too good to take with me to the grave. That would be selfish. So herewith is "The Magical Blow-Off."

Over a year ago, I was kinda-sorta-not-really seeing this guy. He lived in SF, and I lived in NYC. While I do believe that love can blossom no matter how long the distance, this wasn't one of those situations. I did like the guy, but more than anything, it was just for fun. We emailed and phoned once in a while, but it never ventured into serious relationship territory. All told, I only saw him about four or five times over six months. I mean, come on, that couldn't even be considered dating, could it? NO.

All while this was happening, I decided to move back to the Bay. I never discussed this with him until the final hour, because quite frankly, he never really factored into the equation. I think I also knew, in the back of my mind, that he would freak out.

And he did. To him, it seemed like I was moving back for him. He panicked.

THROW ME A BONE.

He called me immediately. I knew it was coming. "This is really hard for me to say..." he began awkwardly. And then he finally uttered the words that, to this day, still floors me: "You're really great on paper, but I never felt the magic with you."

K.O., Pacquiao style.

Moment of silence please...

...

Yes, it was a shock to the ego, and it hurt a little that he was blowing me off in general, but I've gotta give it to the guy-- that is one hellava line. Do you think he thought of it before he called me? Maybe he practiced saying it over and over in front of the mirror several times? It's just too good to have thought of it off the cuff-- poetic almost. Almost.

I'm not magical my ass! I'm pretty much the most magical person you'll ever meet. (It's true, ask Sara).

Proof: Dude hella contacted me out of nowhere recently after a year of no contact. It was as though he had a very delayed reaction to the magic. Sorry, TOO LATE.

It's always fun here in these magically muddy waters as an SAF. Never a dull moment, that's for sure.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Best of the BLOW OFF: the 'i still have to see you every day' BLOW OFF

i wasn't even particularly interested in him or at least never thought more of him than my "kinda cute, quirky, fun to shoot the shit with and flirt with, without really realizing you're flirting, co-worker." at some point i felt like he was noticing me more, flirting more and always wondering what i was up to for the weekend. i kinda liked it.

one day the "what are you up to this weekend" turned into "hey would you and your friends want to meet up with me and my friends at the white horse tavern saturday night." i kinda liked this even more.

Monday, September 27, 2010

how do you say BLOWN OFF in Italian?

We've got good news and bad news....

The bad news is: the BLOW OFF is blowing you off for a Roman holiday.

The good news is: for two weeks, we'll be posting Best of the BLOW OFF posts. There are some gems that first appeared on this blog nearly a year ago when we only had a handful of readers and now that our readership has doubled we'd like to share these posts with the other five of you.

xoxo
Ciao, bitches!

the irreconcilable differences BLOW OFF

It was just announced last week that Cameron Crowe and Nancy Wilson are getting divorced after twenty years of marriage. Wilson filed for divorce citing "irreconcilable differences." This is my least favorite ground for divorce--- I mean, can you get any more vague? Don't all couples have differences that are irreconcilable? And how long did they try to reconcile them before deciding they were in fact irreconcilable?

Anyway, apparently Crowe and Wilson have been separated since 2008. Fingers crossed that out of this divorce comes a really great Heart album and Crowe's best movie since Say Anything. Does anyone feel like none of this would be happening if Cameron just stood outside her window with a boombox and a little Peter Gabriel?

Here's a little Heart to help get you through this.


Friday, September 24, 2010

the I hate your boyfriend BLOW OFF

We've all been there: your best friend just met a new great guy that she's excited about and then you meet him in person...and you don't like him. You decide to give him a few more chances and you still don't like him. What the fuck do you do? Suck it up or tell her she's embarking on a huge mistake?

I've been on both sides of the coin--- dated guys I've suspected some of my friends were not crazy about and purchased wedding gifts for relationships I did not support. Both situations kind of suck.

Recently, a friend of mine---when talking about another friend's significant other--- described him as "her favorite guy of any of the guys we'd all dated." Basically, she was saying: I like him better than your boyfriend. Ouch.

Back in the day, my roommate and I had multiple arguments over her boyfriend. He rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't find him very friendly and I found it annoying that he never made small gestures to win her friends over like buy us a round of drinks (even though we'd buy him one) or put the toilet seat down. Sounds petty, but those are the little things a guy can do to endear himself to his gf's friends. Plus, it was hard being single with them hanging out in our tiny apartment all the time (especially since he had his own place). I'll admit: if I wasn't feeling lonely, I may not have cared as much.

The shit hit the fan one day when I was lounging on the couch watching a movie and enjoying having the apartment to myself. They got home and had just rented a movie...i.e. I had to stop doing what I was doing. Now, this is where my immaturity comes in. I could have sucked it up and watched a movie with them, but instead I went into my room and slammed the door. (In my defense, the idea of them cuddling on one end on the couch and me sitting on the other end wasn't all that appealing.)

We got into a be all and end all fight that ended like all fights with your best friend should...with a hug and an I love you and I'm sorry. After that, I tried my best to keep an open mind, but I was secretly relieved when he left for grad school in Europe. I hated to see her sad, but I knew in my heart of hearts that there was a better guy out there for her. And there was. I love her current boyfriend. And I can blog about this now, because it's all water under the bridge.

There is a silver lining here...when it comes to those significant others we just don't connect with...look on the bright side: it could be worse. Your best friend could be in love with Spencer Pratt.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

the "I won't slit my wrists" BLOW OFF

Admittedly, there are crazy girls out there...the kind that threaten to gas themselves in the garage if you don't call them back, the kind that ruin everything for us normal ladies. But this post isn't for them, this post is for us stable chiquitas who are tired of getting treated with kid gloves when we're getting dumped. We're here to tell you dudes, don't worry: we will not slit our wrists if you blow us off. (Warning: This doesn't mean we won't cry).

You don't need to drag out the break up or act like a jerk for weeks to clue us in on what's about to happen. We promise, we can handle it. And another thing, if we happen to stay friends post-break up...don't lie to us about that new girlfriend. A guy and I once broke up, because I moved to NY and he lived in Cali. We stayed in touch for months after via phone and email, I even visited in person...and he never once mentioned that he was madly in love and had a new girlfriend. The guy was afraid I'd get too upset (AKA slit my wrists) if he told me. Sure, I would have been sad, but I also would have stopped pining after him and moved on.

But dudes, you don't get off the hook that easy. Some of you have been known to become a little wackadoo after a break up too. Stop with the stalking and walk away with your dignity in tact. and don't slit your wrists. Trust me, you're better off without that lame girl anyway.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Dont Ask Don't Tell BLOW OFF

Full disclosure: I grew up in San Diego, but I don’t come from a military family. In fact, for all the talk you hear of San Diego being a military town, I’m hard pressed to remember one close family friend from San Diego with ties to the military.

For some people, the military is everything — service members protect our freedom, represent our country overseas, and for those with deep rooted ties to the military, it’s a way of life. But I don’t think I ever gave a second’s thought to enlisting, until I found out I couldn’t.

Today, after months of hope that the 17-year-old ban on gays and lesbians serving openly in the military might finally be overturned, it wasn’t. Not only wasn’t it overturned, but the Democrats couldn’t even rally enough support to bring it to the Senate floor for debate. You can argue that it happened for several reasons: Because Obama didn’t verbalize his support for overturning the ban enough; Because of this lame, months long investigation into how repealing “don’t ask, don’t tell” might effect morale and team cohesion; Because politicians vote with their party, not with their heart. But at the end of the day, all of these reasons don’t hold a candle to what it feels like to live another day as somehow “less than.”

I still don’t really want to serve in the military. Frankly, at this point, I’m probably too old to enlist, and even though I made an admirable go at one of those marine base mud runs a few years back, I doubt anyone would want me having their back on the frontlines. But just because I don’t want to be a member of the military doesn’t mean I should be banned from doing so and staying true to who I am in the process.

Republicans will have you believe that “don’t ask, don’t tell” simply means you can’t talk about being gay, but they won’t go prying into your personal life. Sen. McCain told a room full of reporters that very load of BS today. It’s not true. They do pry. Emails have been read, computers hacked — people have even been photographed in line with their significant others at Walmart. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” isn’t just discriminatory — it’s down right predatory. And it sends the message to Americans that there’s something wrong with being gay — that somehow the mere presence of a gay person might lose a war, send troops into a tail spin, even make straight service members powerless to their advances. It’s all scare tactic. Thousands of gay people serve this country every day — the put their lives on the line, collect valuable intel, and yes, God forbid, bunk with straight troops. That they choose not to say anything about their personal lives has less to do with their desire to be an open book and more to do with a decision they’ve made to put homeland over home life.

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will one day be lifted — it’s inevitable because it’s the way this country moves… forward, however slowly, not backward. I take some comfort in knowing that for those bigoted politicians out there who are afraid of change and progress, they should only get more scared, because it’s coming. But today, I’m just going to allow myself to feel, for lack of a more eloquent word, screwed… less than… inferior… and, in honor of this blog, blown off.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

pop culture BLOW OFF of the day: You look good wearing my future.

Some Kind of Wonderful tends to fall to the wayside when it comes to amazing teen 80s movies, but it's always been one of my faves. I mean, even the title is awesome.

Eric Stotlz as Kieth, the shy introspective romantic hero, and Mary Stuart Masterson as Watts (seriously, that's her name in the movie) as the boyish pixie who secretly pines after him = perfect casting. Watts gets totally blown off in the movie when Kieth asks her to be the chauffeur on his date with the Amanda Jones, the most popular girl in school.

The John Hughes script perfectly encapsulates one of the world's trickiest relationship dilemmas: what happens when you're madly in love with your best friend? Click the video to watch a nearly perfect movie ending (and Hughes's answer to the ending he was totally against in Pretty in Pink.)

PS if The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was made into a movie in the 80s, Mary Stuart Masterson would be the perfect Lisbeth Salander!

Monday, September 20, 2010

the converted BLOW OFF

At fifteen years old, I'd never stepped foot in a church and was seriously undecided on the subject of God. That's why it was so weird that I was on a bus headed to a weekend away with a Christian youth group. Here's how I got there.

One of my best friend in high schools was coming out of an acid induced freshman year and had found God. She'd invited me a couple of times to hang out with her church group and after turning her down each time, I finally gave in. She swore it wasn't "too religious" and that everyone would be incredibly welcoming. I didn't realize at the time that she was making a major effort to convert me.

I spent the weekend feeling totally out of place. They kicked off the festivities with a two hour sing-a-long of songs about Jesus. Then there was the bible readings and all the discussions on what our relationship to God meant to us. At first, I felt like a fraud, but then some of what they were saying started making sense to me...especially when I saw him. Blond hair, skateboard, crooked smile, and not entirely into all the religious activities. I was instantly in love. We didn't talk at all, but I swear there were some stolen glances. Suddenly, I was singing at the top of my lungs: Jesus loves me this I know, cause the bible tells me so.

I told my friend that I wanted to start coming to the weekly youth group meetings, but my parents weren't as sold on the idea. In fact, my dad forbade me from going. They were never keen on religion and I couldn't tell them that the only reason I really wanted to go was for my hot Christian boyfriend.

So, in the same day that I blew off my atheism, I also had to blow off the youth group. But it got me wondering, why aren't there more smoking hot missionaries? If a Ryan Gosling look alike rode his bike to my apartment and rang my doorbell with a stack of bibles, I'd be like "Son, don't worry. You are preaching to the converted."

Friday, September 17, 2010

the spin class BLOW OFF

Just the other day, my friend JK and I were discussing awkward run ins with exes. She had just had one (which she has kindly agreed to write about for the BLOW OFF) and listening to her story reminded me that the "we've had sex" tension between exes never goes away. I never thought days later, I'd have my very own run in after stumbling into spin class ten minutes late.

After a frazzled and hurried attempt to change my bike settings, I finally got on the bike and noticed that across the room was...my high school boyfriend. For a second, I wasn't convinced it was him, but then he looked at me with a smile that said "how weird is this?"

Why the hell would he be in my spin class? Last I talked to him, it was our ten year high school reunion and he was living in Arizona. But then I thought: maybe he's in LA on business, staying at a hotel that feeds into my gym. My second thought was: why do I have to run into someone I've dated in work out clothes, no make up on, and extra frizzy hair? My third thought: wait, why do I even care--- not only do I not have feelings for this guy anymore, but he's definitely in the "I can't believe we ever dated" category. My final thought: this is going to make such an awesome BLOW OFF post. But then all logic went out the window. I decided that I needed to impress my ex and the only way I could do that was by showing him that if spinning was an Olympic sport, I'd win the gold.

So, I added extra resistance on all the hills. I sprinted my little heart out to Kelly Clarkson and Justin Bieber. I made sure my form was as perfect as I could get it. I wiped the sweat from my face like I was Rocky and I was gonna beat his ass in the ring. By the end of class, I felt like I was going to die.

After we stretched and applauded the spin instructor, I gathered my things and made bets with myself on whether he'd avoid me or come say hi.

He didn't do either of those things. Because once I got a better look at him...I realized he wasn't my ex-bf at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure by the way he was whispering to the spin instructor-- he was her boyfriend. I felt like such an idiot, but then told myself anyone could have made the same mistake. Especially since the lights in spin class are always kept on dim. (Seriously, it's like practically pitch black in there. Like to the point where you need night vision goggles. I swear.)

And then after the humiliation wore off, I realized I learned a valuable lesson here. Exes might be the bane of our existence, but they are good for one thing: a kick ass work out. So, if I ever decide to run a marathon, I'm taking all my old boyfriends with me (or guys who look just like them).

Thursday, September 16, 2010

pop culture BLOW OFF of the day: I am fortune's fool!!

Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling may have been the it onscreen couple of the oughts, but the 90s belonged to Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio (take that, Kate Winslet). I was a sophomore in high school when Baz Luhrman's William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet first came out and I was OBSESSED. Claire Danes was just coming off of My So Called Life and was every teen girl's icon. And Leonardo was at the peak of his skinny lanky hotness. If you were like me, then you also collected the little Romeo & Juliet postcards that came in every issue of YM and Seventeen. Sigh. They just don't make marketing campaigns like that anymore.

And if we're gonna get nostalgic here, let's go all the way. Do you remember the soundtrack? I must have worn that CD out. It's now impossible to listen to Talk Show Host by Radiohead without thinking about Leo's first appearance in the movie. Not to mention the other stand out tracks: #1 Crush by Garbage and of course Lovefool by The Cardigans.

As much as I love this movie, there's part of me that wishes they would have given up on the Shakespearean dialogue. Something more like: Romeo, Romeo, where the fuck is Romeo!

Anyway, here's the trailer for all of you who want to be transported to the 90s or see Paul Rudd dressed as an astronaut. After all, there really is no bigger BLOW OFF than an accidental double suicide.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

the hollywood wingmen: are these guys for real?

Maybe I've been living under a rock, but apparently in my own city of Los Angeles there's an actual wingmen service...a place where dudes can go to get tips on how to "attract the woman of their dream." No, this is not the plot of a romantic comedy starring Will Smith. This is real.

The company, Hollywood Wingmen, was started by Dr. Ofer Batt who's only qualifications from his bio are that he traveled through 40 different countries meeting beautiful women. Big whoop! Who hasn't met a lot of attractive people in their lifetime? What's important is if Ofer actually bagged them. Anyway, apparently the guy has some idea of what he's talking about, because he just published a book called "How to Succeed with Women Without Being Weird: A Practical Guide to Dating." I like the title, but I'm still a bit suspect. I mean, if these guys really had it going on, they'd have a reality show by now, right?

Plus, the two experts on the site, Ofer and VJ, are frankly a little dorky and douchey. But I suppose that's the point? I mean, if they looked like Brad Pitt then their clients wouldn't be all like "easy for you to say dude, you look like Brad Pitt."

Anyway, here are the services they offer:

$120: Private coaching sessions where a Hollywood Wingman will take you to different venues so you can try out the skills they've taught you on unsuspecting women.

$20: Thirty minutes of phone coaching. For the guy with general coaching questions or an immediate problem to tackle.

$9: Email consultations. You can ask up to two questions per email on how to get laid.

Fashion consultation service with Michelle Sterling: There's no price listed for this, but I watched her little youtube video and I can already tell you she's going to make you dress like a boring investment banker.

Now, get this!!!: The first interested guy that emails us at theblowoffwtf@gmail.com will be treated to any of the above services BUT you have to write about your experience for the blog. (I'm dead serious)

OR even better. We're proud to announce the Blow Off's competitive rates:

Fish tacos, six pack of beer of our choice, In & Out double double: One hour counseling session over beers and fish tacos on what you're doing wrong with the female gender. You will then drive me to In & Out burger where I will eat a double double, while you try out my tips on the ladies.

Dark chocolate and The Notebook on DVD: I will talk to you on the phone for 30 minutes about what a loser you are when it comes to women, then I will teach you the ways of Noah Calhoun, while we both eat dark chocolate.

Pedicure: You buy me a pedicure, then text me your dating questions from the next chair, while I get my feet scrubbed.

Fashion Consultation Service: This one is free. All you need to know is "do not wear Ed Hardy."

Major credit cards, cash, gold, bacon wrapped hot dogs, and monopoly money also accepted. Come on boys, let's get you laid!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

glossary of a BLOW OFF: the premature ejaculator-evacuator (PEE)

The Premature Ejaculator-Evacuator (PEE)
function: noun
Origin: since i dated that one guy in NY in 2004.
Definition: a guy who dives into a relationship head first and moves at lightning speed only to then abruptly cut bait and disappear.

(I had high hopes for Joe in the beginning, because he kept asking me out on dates and said he wanted me to be his GF, but when he disappeared after a month, I realized the guy was just another P.E.E..)

Buyer beware. Dudes that go way overboard at the beginning of a relationship usually have a short freak out threshold. They set the pace and as soon as you jump on the bandwagon they become emotionally unavailable. Usually this happens because they let themselves get excited about the prospect of a relationship before either of you really get to know each other...or because they met someone else. Either way, a good rule of thumb is that relationships are like pot roasts: best cooked slowly.

To read other posts about PEE, click here and here.



Monday, September 13, 2010

the non-BLOW OFF: epic wedding proposal

Once in a blue moon at the BLOW OFF, we like to pretend that love doesn't blow. Today is one of those days. This went viral awhile back, but it's one of the coolest marriage proposals I've ever seen and it def gave me the warm and fuzzies. Just remember, all the blow offs you've endured could lead you to something like this....Oh, man. I feel dirty for getting all sentimental. Somebody stage an intervention quick. Or remind of a time someone shat all over me, so I can go back to what I'm good at. I'm losing my edge. I hope these two end up divorced and alone. (relax, i'm kidding. Or am I?)

Friday, September 10, 2010

my new favorite BLOW OFF album

I first heard of Lorene Scafaria's music through friends that are friends with her. This is what happens when you live in LA. You meet a lot of people who are legitimately friends with celebs (I mean, normal people). Then you end up being really obnoxious by saying things like "my friend is friends with so and so." Sigh, us Angelinos are so oppressed!

Anyway, I loved Scafaria's catchy tunes and quirky yet sincere lyrics...but I wasn't ready to commit. The thing is, Lorene can seriously pull off bangs, wrote one of my fave new coming of age movies (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist) and her boyfriend is Adam Brody. The jealousy was more than I could bear. But then, I remembered that even though I can't carry a tune and was six years old the last time I tried out bangs, I'm turning thirty next month. And thirty year olds are self assured and don't get jealous. So, I went straight to iTunes and bought Lorene's album Laughter & Forgetting.

There are only five songs on the album, well actually four (it's a bit confusing b/c tracks 3 & 4 have different names, but they're the exact same song...must be an iTunes glitch) and all of them are great. Lorene's music is perfect for the girl that's outgrown the angst of Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco and can only handle Dar Williams in small doses. Actually, the melodies remind me a lot of Williams except a little less cutesy.

All of the songs are about relationships gone wrong with just the right dash of non-offensive girl anthem.

If I had to rank the tracks on the album, I'd go:
Track 1, We can't be friends
Track 5, Girls Aren't Supposed to (which my amazing friend Aubrey sings background vocals on!)
Track 3, Back of Your Mind
Track 2, Your F***ing Jacket

Here's a little taste, enjoy!




Thursday, September 9, 2010

Bulk & the BLOW OFF

We've all been there...staring at the phone waiting for some douche bag to call....then rationalizing why it's okay for us to reach out, even though we called them last.

This is a bad idea.

If you've highlighted, doggy eared, underlined, and written in the margins of He's Just Not That Into You, then you know there's no use to putting yourself out there twice in a row. If a guy likes you, he'll call. At most, making a last ditch effort with another text or call will maybe get you a booty call. If that's what you're looking for...all the more power to you.

There's another gem of a self help book from Cindy Chupack (another Sex and the City writer) called Between Boyfriends. I read this book about six years ago, but there's one piece of advice Chupack gave that's always stayed with me.

If you're tempted to call that ex: don't. Instead, go straight to Costco and buy something in bulk. Wait until you've run out of the bulk item and then revisit the situation. Chances are...you've already moved on to someone else by the time that 50 pack of toilet paper ran out.

PS it does not count if you TP your entire neighborhood so you run out of toilet paper in one day.
PPS I would also consider buying black licorice in bulk. Cause no one likes it and it'll last forever.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Screw You Bachelor Pad (or why I'm BLOWING OFF the Bachelor Pad)

Poor Jesse B!

Maybe it was because I had a terrible cold and was watching The Bachelor Pad from my couch with my 21 year old brother and his best friend instead of with my friends in Los Feliz, but this show seriously PISSED me OFF this week.

I know what you're thinking. That's what you get Saaara for watching awful reality TV. It's not enough to feel guilty about it, but we also want you to feel frustrated, annoyed, duped, and ashamed.

Okay, you're right! I feel all those things! I give up. I'm quitting The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and The Bachelor Pad. That's right. You heard it here first. (PS reunion shows don't count!)

The most pathetic part of my decision is that it comes a mere week before the Bachelor Pad is over. After I'd already lost ten hours of my life to it. Here's why this show pissed me off so much this week:

First off, the episode starts with 7 girls and 4 boys left in the house. Chris Harrison shows up to tell the ladies they need to even the playing field with another game. My first thought was: yay! cutthroat competition. Bitches are gonna throw down!! But no. That's not what happened.

The game consisted of the guys standing in a circle, while Melissa Rycroft spun a bottle for basically no reason. Whichever guy the bottle pointed at had to pick one girl to be his partner, and thus, be safe from elimination. Duh! The guys are all hooking up. Of course they are going to pick the girls they've been banging! So, after ten minutes of ridiculously false suspense...Gwen, Ashley, and Nikki are given the boot, proving once again that being a single woman is a punishable offense.

The couples were as follows:

Natalie & David (i.e. queen slut and king douche)
Elizabeth & Kovacs (i.e. Oompa loompa with the worst fake boobs & Kovacs)
Tenley & Kiptyn (i.e. two annoyingly nice people with weird names)
Peyton & Jesse B (i.e. the most normal and non-offensive people on the show).

The couples have to compete in a water balloon toss where Melissa Rycroft's job gets a little tougher. Instead of spinning a bottle, she has to tell the guys to take a step back after each successful toss.

Natalie & David win the toss and are safe from elimination. Peyton and Jesse B are both upset, because they know everyone else on the shows is besties and they are def gonna get the boot.

Peyton is in tears, because she blames herself and Jesse B couldn't be nicer to her--- which just proves that he deserves another chance despite accidentally burping in her face last week.

I'll save you the rest of the nauseating details (Kovacs & Oompa loompa humping all over a Lamborghini, then spreading STDS all over the fantasy suite, Natalie learning more about David's white trash past, Kiptyn slicing disgusting amounts of raw chicken, my brother and his buddy calling Dave the biggest douche for wearing a white V neck and a backwards white baseball cap, Natalie turning a darker shade of orange over night) and get to what really messed with my emotions.

First of all, I was already bummed out that the "insiders" and "couples" succeeded in making it to the final round of this game. You don't understand...this is like watching Heathers, but the popular kids are murdering the nerds and misfits instead of the other way around. ABC needs to take a page from every good 80s movie. The underdogs always come out on top!

But I was also upset that the only couple I could handle was on the chopping block. And this is where ABC really fucked with me. Natalie and Tenley basically couldn't shut up about the fact that Kovacs and Elizabeth are their toughest competition and even though they are friends with them, they need to go with strategy not loyalty at this point in the game. They both set off to convince their BFs to vote off Kovacs & Orange Julius.

BUT...Dave has a serious hard on for his pal Kovacs and he doesn't want to get rid of him. I mean, you should seriously see how this guy looks at Kovaks. He'd pull a Buffalo Bill, murder Elizabeth, dress himself up in her skin if it meant he could bone Kovacs!

THEN...Chris Harrison breaks the news that they will still be voting as individuals, which means Natalie and Tenley are actually free to make their own decision. They even have this little "i am woman, hear me roar" scene where they decide to keep Peyton and Jesse B around and go with their own little "woman code." At this point, it should be in the bag. Jesse B and Peyton are staying, Perma Sunburn and Kovacs are goners.

The rose ceremony rolls around and my brother and his buddy are convinced that Jesse B and Peyton are safe...but I tell them this is The Bachelor Pad and every week the person I want to stay on the show gets booted off. And sure enough, after 45 minutes of the producers orchestrating fake conversations and fake suspense and fake conflict...Jesse B and Peyton don't get a rose!

Jesse B calls everyone fake and they're both whisked away on limos.

The moral of this story is that terrible, trashy, orange people get rich and nice normal people who are still dumb enough to go on a bad reality show get screwed. But you know who gets fucked in the ass? We do. For watching this shit.

And that is why I will NEVER EVER watch any show with the word Bachelor in its title again. (Starting after I watch the reunion show for The Bachelor Pad. Sorry, but I need to see Krisily kick everyone's ass.)

PS this is all Gia's fault!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

a match made in BLOW OFF

My mom and aunts went through a compulsive matchmaking period when most of their daughters/nieces hit their twenties and were approaching the appropriate marrying age. These guys were always sold to us as "mesleh mah" which translates from Farsi into English as "like the moon" and they were like the moon, if the moon was balding or used too much gel in what little hair it had. But who cares about looks when it comes to a SIDs...no, not sudden infant death syndrome....single iranian doctors! Needless to say, none of their matchmaking attempts paid off and so far, none of us have ended up with Iranians or doctors for that matter.

They've pretty much retired their matchmaking impulses, but in hindsight, I understand their addiction. Who doesn't want to feel like a real life cupid: the person responsible for bringing two people together. It's a risky venture-- one that could end in everyone toasting you at the wedding or everyone blaming you for wreaking unnecessary havoc in the lives of two innocent people.

In my one and only attempt in matchmaking so far, I wreaked unnecessary havoc. When the two people I match-made started dating, there were immediate fireworks. I initially set them up for three simple reasons: they were both about the same age, they were both single, they both had tattoos, they were both incredibly nice and generous people. That seemed like enough to create a match made in heaven. A couple weeks into dating they were completely inseparable and I'd even gotten a long voicemail message from one of them expressing their gratitude to me for bringing them together. I was already fantasizing about everyone bowing to me at their future wedding. Talk of moving in together began rather quickly and that should have been the first red flag. Long story short, the relationship cooled off just as quickly as it had heated up and the break up took a major emotional toll on one party who'd had enough of painful blow offs. I felt horrible. I was wholly responsible for this near emotional breakdown and it sucked. I retired my wings and my arrow for good.

But lately, I've been considering putting them back on. I just know too many cool single people who deserve each other. What do you think readers? Have you had any successful matchmaking notches in your belt? Comment below.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

pop culture BLOW OFF of the day: special labor day addition

Happy Labor Day, readers! Here's to blowing off our day jobs for a lot of overeating and drinking.

In honor of today's national holiday, here's an old gem from Cameron Crowe's Jerry Maguire where Jerry gets blown off at work, then goes out in awkward style. If you don't think Tom Cruise is an over-acter after you watch this, then there's something wrong with you.

Friday, September 3, 2010

the freebie: yay or nay?

The Freebie, a new movie starring Dax Shepard and Katie Aselton (who? I don't know, but she's great in the trailer and directed the movie), tells the story of a young married couple who agrees they can each have a one night stand. I know what you're thinking...when did Dax Shepard go from the guy on Punk'd to serious actor? Somewhere around the time he nailed a part on Parenthood. Pay attention, folks.

On one hand, I kind of get the whole freebie notion. Most married couples have ups and downs in their sex life. A small part of me wishes I'd sewn more wild oats before settling down with the BF...BUT the thought of him sleeping with another woman makes me want to hurl. And it's kind of depressing that a couple in their 30s already opted for the freebie route. How long could these two have possibly been together? Maybe this movie would have made a lot more sense if the main characters were in their 50s.

Anyway, Dax is my homeboy and he and Aselton seem like a real life couple. My fave part is when his character says: "if you came to me in a time machine and said, hey PS, you're about to meet Annie...I would have maybe done everything shy of paying for it, just to make sure I got it all out of my system." Even though it's pretty obvious their little agreement will lead to disaster, it got me wondering...readers, would you want a freebie? Comment below.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

POP CULTURE blow off of the day: i just feel like we've crossed this imaginary line.

In honor of 90210 day, here's an encore post.

Back in the early 90s, girls were divided into two categories: those who loved Dylan and those who loved Brendan. I sort of went back and forth between the two. Despite my indecisiveness, i can't listen to losing my religion by REM, without thinking about Brenda breaking Dylan's heart in his porsche.

I think i was about eleven years old when i watched the break up scene on TV and I balled my eyes out and screamed "don't do it, brenda." I mean, it didn't make sense. She wasn't even pregnant. I still resent the fact that Dylan pursued Kelly and that on the new 90210 they have a child together. Uh-uh, no way. Brenda and Dylan 4-eva.

the bachelor pad & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

Worst boob job EVER.

Okay, does anyone actually watch this show or are me and my friends the only ones?! Cause I'm starting to feel a little ashamed that I'm tuning in. I mean, we all have a hard time blowing off reality TV. There's the high brow shows like Top Chef and the Amazing Race, then there's the guilty pleasures like the Real Housewives and Dancing with the Stars, and then there's that really dirty Herpes inducing reality TV...and sadly, that's the category the Bachelor Pad falls under. Here's the recap below:

*This episode starts with a meeting of the minds between Dave & Wes. These two geniuses argue about who's a bigger jerk and why David voted off Gia. The tension is thick. It literally feels like if either of these guys thinks strategy for one more minute, their brains will explode from the pain.

*At this point, all of our money is on Gwen. She's totally gonna win the $250 K, because no one even remembers the fact that she's in the house.

*Now, for the best game in Bachelor pad history (which doesn't mean much, because there have only been 4 episodes). The whole house has to fill out these really bitchy surveys with questions like "who's the dumbest" and my personal favorite "who has the worst boob job." We're totally playing this in the book club I'm in.

*Big surprise: Tenley cries from the stress of filling out the survey. One of my viewing buddies (VGL) said it best: it's as though she forgot she was on the show. OMG, there's a competition happening? i thought we were all just having a pool party.

*Ewwww, why are we forced to watch this scene of gross Wes soaking in the hot tub with nothing but boxer briefs on?! Did the guy seriously forget to bring his bathing suit? I mean, he's lived in this house before. He knows all anyone ever does is just lay out by the pool. I bet he's totally trying to get discovered as a Calvin Klein model. So sad.

*The most overused term in this house after "i'm not here to make friends" is "we need to break up the couples." People have been saying that from day one and guess what? No one has broken up any couples! Why are these people so bad at carrying out strategy? God, I hope they all get jobs working on Sarah Palin's presidential campaign in 2012.

*So, then--- Melissa Rycroft and Chris Harrison come out to explain how the survey is going to play into the next competition. The questions will be posed to the group and they'll have to guess what answer was given by the majority. Oh yes. It's on like Donkey Kong.

*Kiptyn gets voted most likely to win--- which means that if these people had a brain they would vote him off.

*Krisily gets voted biggest enemy. Typical. The only girl we actually like on this show is the only one everyone in the house hates. In other words, she should have been voted least douche-baggy.

*Elizabeth gets voted the most shallow and she responds with "I dont even know what shallow really means." Seriously? You couldn't make this shit up!

*Then, immediately after Elizabeth makes her asinine comment, Gwen gets voted the dumbest. Oh no, poor Gwen! I thought she would for sure get voted the oldest or the most pathetic for being on this show ten years after her season of the Bachelor, but I didn't realize she was dumb too. She's on the verge of tears, but she keeps it together.

*Hilarious. Natalie gets voted "always be a bridesmaid, never a bride". Even Dave--- the guy she's blowing--- puts her name down. Natalie is devastated. It turns out, her biggest goal in life is getting married and her biggest fear is never getting married. Well, sweetie, most guys don't want to take a girl home to mom who takes her top off on TV and has already fucked at least two guys in the house. OMG. That is so sexist of me. Natalie should get to have all the sex she wants and still marry a nice guy! No more double standards on the Bachelor Pad!!

*Wes gets voted the biggest jerk and he's completely shocked even though the day before everyone basically told him he was a jerk. These people have zero self awareness!!!

*Wait, hold up--- what's that weird cut on Jesse B's arm? Oh no. He's a cutter. He needs the pain so he can feel something, anything... to get his mind off the fact that he's got the IQ of a stuffed animal.

*Now, for the question we've all been waiting for...who has the worst boob job? Kovacs is tied with Jesse B for the win, but he's stuck in a bind. He knows that his quickest lay in the house (Elizabeth) has the worst boob job, but if he puts her down, there will be no more sex in the shower. But if he does say Elizabeth, he'll get the rose and give her the rose. Stupid Kovacs screws himself by saying Krisily has the worst boob job (No! I refuse to believe Krisily has fake boobs. She's not that kind of girl).

*After the game ends, the girls start crying hysterically. Natalie curls up in the corner of a shower, while Gwen consoles her. Gwen should tell her that even people with down syndrome get married and that there's hope for her too.

*Elizabeth cries in the closet and Kovacs comes to her rescue. We are all shocked that he apparently really does like her. What an idiot. The best part is that he keeps telling her she's not shallow, but we all know the real reason she's crying is not b/c she was voted most shallow, but because of her terrible boob job.

*It also kind of sucks that so many of the mean questions targeted the girls. Why not "who's the ugliest dude" (Wes) or "what guy would be the worst in bed?" (Kiptyn)

*Tenley, who won the rose on the girls side, picks Kiptyn to go on her date. We learn that instead of picking three guys for the date, this is a one on one date...Tenley is oh so excited to finally take "that next step" with Kiptyn. (the third most overused term on this show.)

*Yay, yay, yay! Finally, a helicopter ride! Now, this show is finally getting somewhere. Tenley and Kiptyn get an awesome date in Catalina Island where they get to zip line together. And just when I thought no other girl "woo-hoo'd" as much as Ali Fedotowsly, I meet Tenley....

*Here's an idea: someone should make a buddy film with Ali and Tenley that ends with them driving off a cliff.

*Why does Tenley's make up look like it's the year 1975. Hot pink lipstick? That's reason enough for Kiptyn not to accept an invitation to the fantasy suite... but that's not what happens.

*And then, something terrible happens. Tenley admits she hasn't been with a man since Jake Pavelka broke her heart....which confirms that she had sex with Jake Pavelka!!!! Gross. Sick. Wrong. NO!

*Jesse B decides he's going to take Peyton on his date. These two just might be my favorite couple in the house. They seem to be the least offensive.

*Kovacs makes this huge declaration to Elizabeth in the hot tub about how he really cares about her and wants to be with her after the show is over and that he'll buy her a better boob job. They make out in the hot tub, while we groan over how dumb this guy is. People on this show are actually picking love over money. What gives?

*Peyton and Jesse's date starts with the crazy scary plane ride. But they're cute and into it. Back at the house, everyone debates whether Peyton and Jesse B will hook up on their date. Someone asks "define hook up" and Dave answers "sex". Duh! But does this mean Peyton and Jesse didn't hook up last time they spent the night in the fantasy suite together? How is that possible? Someone on this show isn't a total skank? I'm confused.

*Peyton and Jesse have a deep conversation about their fave foods. Jesse says steak and potatoes. Just when I think he might not be refined enough for Peyton, she says her favorite food is corn dogs and funnel cake. These two are perfect for each other!

*But then Peyton makes Jesse a martini (which he's never had) and everything falls apart. He burps, makes some joke about how her eyes are the only reason he picked her on the date, and he picks her nose (he really just touches it.) Peyton says that all the romance was gone once they started treating each other like siblings. Jesse invites her to the fantasy suite, but she totally denies him!!! I'm the only one that seems to be shocked by this. I guess I have low standards, the burp would not be a deal breaker for me. But seriously, Peyton needs to be less uptight.

*Krisily tries to form an alliance with Dave, then embarrasses herself and me by telling him that she can't stop thinking about their kiss during the kissing contest. It's so obvious he's playing her. I hate him.

*Peyton and Jesse come back from their date and everyone greets them like they've been gone for three years instead of three hours.

*I won't even bother to get into the weirdness that ensued once the cast of DWTS was announced. All I will say is Jennifer Grey, weird nose job aside, looks damn good for 50.

*Okay, this is the 20 minutes of the program I won't bother recapping. It's just everyone having the same conversation over and over again about who they should vote off the show. This is just further proof that this show should only be one hour long.

*In a shocking turn of events at the rose ceremony, Melissa Rycroft is wearing the butt ugliest outfit. It's like a giant sparkly potato sack. Why did they put this on her??

*Krisily and Wes get voted off. Krisily is pissed, because Dave totally stabbed her in the back. He promised he'd vote for Gwen if she voted for Wes. If only Krisily had some brains and screwed Dave over instead! She gives a kick ass speech about how everyone is too chicken shit to split up the couples and that she'll be happy for anyone who wins the game that's not Tenley, Kiptyn, Elizabeth, or Kovacs. Dave makes some comment about Krisily showing her true colors with her little speech, but this is the most normal and cool anyone has seemed on this show.

RIP Krisily. We're sorry you got blown off. You'll be missed.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

the BLOW OFF diet

Call me the next Robert Atkins...cause I've just come up with a genius new fad diet. Getting blown off! Seriously, after a bad break up, most of us are so distraught, we can barely eat and go down at least one dress size. If that's not a silver lining, I don't know what is. So, looking to lose a few pounds? Then lose your boyfriend.

Okay, just kidding. Eating disorders are bad, blah blah blah. But let's face it, looking hot after a blow off is kind of the best revenge. I mean, do you think Jennifer Aniston would be that fit if it wasn't for her string of crappy relationships? No. If her and Brad Pitt were still together, she'd totally have a muffin top. And I don't know about you guys, but I'd much rather have a flat abs and no boyfriend VS a pooch and the love of my life. I kid, I kid.

For reals though, sometimes a forced blow off diet can motivate us to make changes for the better. Sadly for me, my favorite post break up threesome includes the men Ben & Jerry. But there's nothing like a little exercise to get aggression out, so why not off set the Chubby Hubby habit with a little help from a kettle bell?

I'm also a big believer in one tried and true break up cure: changing your hair. I got the best haircut ever after a blow off. I also recommend changing your scent. The olfactory bulb can cause serious flashbacks of happier times. So...consider bidding good bye to your shampoo, perfume, or body lotion. I once emptied an entire bottle of Victoria's Secret Pear Glace body spray after I got dumped. Or for an even more drastic change...move to a new city. My sister moved to New York after a big break up and scored a job at Google before they IPO'd. (Suck on that, Slim's ex bf.)

And, with all that extra time you're getting back as a single person, throw in some physical activity for good measure. Stalk your ex on foot instead of with your car, have (safe) sex with a lot of anonymous men or women, take up kick boxing and pretend the bag is his nut sack. A new wardrobe never hurt nobody either. Yes, it felt good to be in his arms, but you know what else feels good? Being caressed by Marc Jacobs.

Either way, if you're looking to shed some weight or shed some baggage, the blow off diet* might just be for you.

*Please consult your doctor first to see if the BLOW OFF diet is for you.