Friday, December 31, 2010
"This year's love had better last. Heaven knows it's high time. I've been waiting on my own too long."
-David Gray, 1998
Thursday, December 30, 2010
So, the BLOW OFF has made a list of top ten New Year's Eve resolutions for those of you that are single and for those of you that are in a relationship. For those of you whose relationship status = it's complicated...go fuck yourself. That's the dumbest relationship status I've ever heard. Your one New Year's resolution is to get a grip.
Here's hoping 2011 is gonna be heaven, y'all!
10. If you're in a relationship, stop expecting your significant other to be perfect. They're not, they never will be. I know this is a hard one for those of us who are perfect to accept, but the time has come. In 2011, stop focusing on their flaws and start focusing on their positive attributes. For starters, they put up with your bull shit, that's saying a lot.
9. If you're single, stop dwelling on the last person that hurt you. That person may as well be dead and it's time to throw them a little funeral in your head. And not one where you throw your body down on the casket and wail like a rabid dog.
8. If you're in a relationship, stop acting like you're Confucious when it comes to everyone else's relationship problems. You don't know the meaning of life just because you have a boyfriend, so shut the fuck up. (Note: this does not apply to the person that writes this blog. She's really a descendant of Confucious.)
7. If you're single, stop declaring to everyone and anyone that you LOVE being single and you're just not ready for a relationship. You're lying. And we all know it. On the flip side--- if you're single, stop whining to everyone about it. It reeks of desperation. The trick is to pretend you're somewhere in between independent and co-dependent. Like...mid-dependent.
6. If you're in a relationship, learn to make conversation about things besides your significant other. And please, don't gush about how great they are and how in love you are and that you're crazy about each other in front of all your single friends. It's cruel. Plus, you're lying and we all know it.
5. If you're single, don't be afraid to masturbate. This one is for the ladies since I don't think there's a guy in the world that's afraid to masturbate. So girls, learn to get yourself off. PS If you're in a relationship, the same resolution applies. PPS I'm really embarrassed that my parents read this blog.
4. If you're in a relationship, learn to let things go. This used to be number one piece of advice I gave all my friends when I was single and they were struggling with their BFs. Who knew I would be so terrible at it myself? And it doesn't count as letting it go, if you bring it up seven months later during a fight that has nothing to do with the thing that happened seven months ago. That said, if it helps you prove a point that seriously needs proving...bring up whatever you want. Check mate, holla!
3. If you're single and you have a list of the things you want out of a significant other, rip it up! Those lists are stupid. You know when you go to a movie and you have ridiculously high expectations for it, because it's starring Ryan Gosling, and then you're all kind of bummed out when it's not that good and he didn't go full frontal? Well, that's what your list is doing to your dating life. Setting up expectations that will never be met. Trust me, the things you think you want in a person are not necessarily the things that really matter.
2. If you're in a relationship and you're unhappy and you've tried really hard to make things work...cut bait. Don't just be with someone for the sake of being with someone. You'll survive, we promise. Plus, you can totally have your break up story published on theblowoff.com!
1. If you're single, don't make out with people who aren't. Just because you're lonely and it's New Year's Eve, doesn't mean you're entitled. I can say this, because I've hooked up with a guy that had a girlfriend purely because I was in a serious dry spell and felt like it was my turn to have a little bit of happiness. And guess what? It amounted to nothing and I was still super lonely after. Okay, fine, that's a lie. It felt really good to finally get some action. But do as I say, not as I do.
Any good New Year's resolutions we're forgetting? Comment below to set us straight.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
More importantly, they were both blond and destined to procreate little blond children.
She was only 22 when they first started dating and he was 31. Dare I say that's the same age difference between Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift...
So, why were Brad and Gwynie so much less gross? Hmmm, probably cause I was only 14 back then and everyone over 21 seemed the same age to me.
Anyway, when Brad won the Golden Globe for his work on Twelve Monkeys, he called Gwyneth his "angel, love of my life." They even got matching haircuts. But six months into their engagement...Gwyneth broke it off, claiming she was too young to get married. (duh, she was only 24 by then.) Apparently, Brad was brokenhearted. That makes Gwyneth Paltrow quite possibly the first and only woman that ever blew off Brad Pitt. And she was with him at his hottest.
Wow. I have a new found respect for her.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Here's how it all went down. We'd stupidly decided to stay together even though I was going away to college. I was a late bloomer and the guy was my first kiss, so clearly I felt attached. And then something crazy happened. I met a cute older boy with a long board who was going through a tumultuous break up with his supermodel girlfriend and for some reason he took a liking to me. He was from the same hometown as my roommate and was best friends with her very on again/off again boyfriend. This guy, who I know I've mentioned in multiple posts was a serious ego boost. He wasn't exactly Brad Pitt, but his personality suggested he was even hotter. And he could dance to James Brown like no other. The degree of sexual tension was something my 18 year old self had never ever experienced.
And even though I never technically cheated on my high school BF, Long Board boy did sleep in my bed on a few occasions. Wait? Does cuddling count as cheating? Whatever, that's not what this post is about. Finally, my roommate helped me realize I needed to dump my boyfriend. I called him on the phone and told him I couldn't do long distance anymore, then cried my eyes out from the guilt. Full disclosure: it took less than 72 hours for months of sexual tension with Long Board guy to finally get unleashed. But seriously, I felt really really guilty.
And then with all that sexual tension gone, things fizzled pretty quickly with Long Board. And come spring quarter, he decided to go live in a tent in the woods somewhere and left me all by my lonesome. The worst part was...my ex had moved on. His best friend back home had started dating this new girl and he slowly started dating her best friend. I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me when I found out he went to see the Matrix with her. Suddenly, it hit me: I still loved him!!!
No, I didn't. In hindsight, I couldn't believe he wasn't still pining after me and that suddenly there were no boys in my life. I tried to date other guys, but it was no use. I couldn't get my death metal loving ex boyfriend out of my head. Especially since he had recently cut off his super long blond girl hair and looked better than ever.
I went home that summer and we hung out a few times and I told him I still loved him and wanted to get back together. So...he dumped his new girlfriend and took me back. The poor girl was brokenhearted and it was all because of me being selfish. Then on Halloween, my high school boyfriend dumped me. And when he showed up at my dorm room unannounced on Valentine's day and got down on one knee begging for me to take him back...I said...no. Cause I don't take anyone back. (that's a lie. I took back Long Board Guy.)
Monday, December 27, 2010
But when I was in college I spent a summer taking a class at NYU and I met a super wealthy hedge fund manager who drove an SUV (in Manhattan) and lived in the same building as David Bowie. I was twenty at the time and he was probably thirty. Most girls would have been all about this guy. But the age difference made me nervous. I was still in college. He had a career. I was living in a messy NYU dorm, he was living in a posh loft in Soho. He could get into bars, I was using my sister's ID to order drinks. We were destined for failure. After two dates, I never called him again. Plus, his favorite band was 311, so I knew that would always come between us.
Significant age differences are bound to get in the way at one point or another. If one person is at the marrying age and their significant other doesn't see themselves settling down for another five years or so, it could lead to a blow off. If a woman wants babies in her near future and her boyfriend is a baby, chances are that could lead to a blow off too. (see Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.)
Sure, Ashton and Demi are making it work now (despite his cheating allegations), but what's gonna happen when she's seventy and he's only fifty-five? And do you think right about now Catherine Zeta Jones wishes Michael Douglas wasn't twenty-five years older than her, so they'd have a longer future together?
What do you think, readers? Ever dated someone significantly older or younger? Did the age difference eventually get in the way or in the words of the late great Aaliyah (who allegedly married R Kelly when he was 27 and she was 15) do you agree that age ain't nothing but a number?
Friday, December 24, 2010
"Did I make you cry
On Christmas day?
Did I let you down
Like every other day?"
-Sufjan Stevens, 2006
Thursday, December 23, 2010
There are plenty of funny and heartwarming moments in Love Actually, but also a few tear jerker scenes. Since I'm a sucker for the depressing stuff, I had to post the scene when Emma Thompson's character processes the fact that her husband is having an affair, while listening to Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell. Sadly, I searched high and low for a clip of this scene and the below was the best I could come up with.
Poor Emma!!! And why is Joni Mitchell always the favorite singer of women who get cheated on? (See the Kids are All Right.)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Well, I think Ryan Seacrest is trying to take all the fun out of the holiday season. Cause according to researchers, there are two times of years where break ups peak. During the holidays and in March. So, for now, here's the top ten ways to break up with someone asap.
10. Go to the mall to have your picture taken with Santa, while holding a sign that says "(insert name), I want to break up." Then post the picture to Facebook and tag your soon to be ex in the photo.
9. Get all your close friends together to go caroling. Knock on your soon to be exes door and sing "You're being dumped, pa rum pum pum pum" to the tune of Little Drummer Boy.
8. Invite your significant other to come home with you over the holidays. Make sure to stand in front of them in the security line. After you get through the metal detectors, tell a TSA agent that your soon to be ex is smuggling a bomb up their anus. They'll get carted off, while you board the plane solo and never call them again. (Note: This works best if your significant other is Middle Eastern.)
7. Take a shit in a box. Wrap the box. Put it under the Christmas tree. Give it to your soon to be ex. When they open it, chances are they'll save you the trouble and break up with you.
6. Write a special holiday edition BLOW OFF post about dumping your significant other right before New Year's Eve. Then announce to your soon to be ex that you suspect you are psychic, because you can apparently predict things before they happen. Send them the link and let our blog do all the work.
5. Suggest to your significant other that you sit down and make a list of New Year's resolutions together. Throw in "get out of my shitty ass relationship" somewhere between "exercise more" and "quit smoking." They'll barely know what hit them.
4. "Accidentally" end up under the mistletoe with your soon to be exes family member or close friend. Then seriously shove your tongue down their throat and grab some ass. Similar to #7, this is like the reverse psychology of break ups. You do something to get them to break up with you. Genius.
3. Take a drive through the snow and get "lost" in the middle of nowhere. Bravely bid them good bye and tell them you'll be back for them. Hail a cab home and conveniently forget to send help.
2. Send a holiday card to your significant others parents explaining how saddened you are by your break up, that you'll miss them, that you appreciate how welcoming they were as a family, etc etc. Their parents read the card and in a state of shock and confusion call their son or daughter to confirm the split. By the time they break the news to your soon to be ex, you're drinking egg nog at your company holiday party and trading STDs with that co-worker you've always been hot for.
1. Tie your soon to be ex to a chair and play Jessica Simpson's Christmas Album over and over again until they have a nervous breakdown and are forced to be checked into a mental ward. When your significant other is finally released, make them believe your entire relationship was a figment of their imagination and that you never even dated in the first place.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Here's the cutesy New York Times article that set off a frenzy in the comments section.
Here's the article on the backlash, with the groom admitting he regrets the original write up. (Carol has no regrets. Cause she's selfish).
This whole thing is super dishy! I LOVE Carol's ex-husbands quotes. I'm totally on team jilted ex's. In case you were wondering, the moral of this story is don't flaunt your love if other people were fucked over in the process of you getting together. Duh!
Thanks to Melissa L for bringing this story to our attention in the first place. We love a good scandal, especially when it includes wealthy New Yorkers.
Exhibit A. Shania Twain married music producer Mutt Lange in 1993. He's the guy she wrote "You're Still the One" about. Then, in 2008 she and Mutt announced they were getting a divorce. It turns out, Mutt was having an affair with Shania's best friend, Marie-Ann Thiebaud. Apparently, the Thiebauds were their best couple friends. You know, the couple they'd go on vacation together. Just yesterday, Shania announced her engagement to Frederick Thiebaud. That's right, Marie-Ann's ex-husband! Shania and Frederick were so hurt by their spouses that they sought comfort in each other and fell in love. I for one am rooting for these two.
Exhibit B. Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. They announced they were getting divorced last month, because Tony was allegedly carrying on some sort of text message affair with Erin Barry, the wife of Brent Barry--- Tony's former teammate. Apparently, they were---wait for it---- Tony and Eva's best couple friend. No word yet on whether Eva and Brent will seek comfort in each other's arms. (Side note, I don't feel bad for Eva. I have it on good authority that she cheated on her first husband...twice. Karma's a bitch, beeotch.)
Exhibit C. One of our loyal readers sent us this article in the New York Times about the wedding of Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla. They met at their children's school when they were both married. They hit it off. The families started going on vacations together and somewhere along the way Carol and John started secretly falling for each other. John asked her to meet him at a bar one night where he confessed his love. Carol spilled a beer all over herself and ran out of there, only to come back a few minutes later to tell him she felt the exact same way. According to them, they never had an affair and instead told their spouses the truth and ended their respective marriages. Do you buy that, cause neither do I. I mean, seriously--- they were willing to ruin both their families without finding out if either of them was a good lay first? Likely story.
WTF couples! Give it a rest. It's not the seventies and no one's throwing key parties anymore. Can't you just be happy that you're in a relationship and stop being all choosy and selfish?
I'm so confused. What's a couple to do? Hang out with no one? Hang out with ugly couples? Just trust each other? OMG, I got it. Gay couples should only hang out with straight couples and straight couples should only hang out with gay couples. Problem. Solved.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Origin: since the advent of the mix tape
Definition: a guy that takes the whole romance thing to cheesy ass epic proportions.
(Gary seemed like a cool guy, but on our first date he serenaded me with a cover of More Than Words and then recited a poem he'd written about me. What a fucking chomantic.)
Okay, don't get me wrong. Romance isn't always cheesy. And yes, some people do like it. But when it's over the top and predictable and comes way too soon in a relationship...it's kind of embarrassing. Like, for instance--- guys who make you mixed CDs or send you roses to work two weeks in. Contrary to popular belief, ladies don't necessarily like dudes that make themselves super available in the early stages of a relationship. We don't want you to be assholes, but we don't want you to lay it on too thick either.
Instead of playing the cheesy romance card, play the thoughtful card instead. For instance, the F word scored major points with me when Christmas rolled around and we'd only been dating for six weeks. He bought me a present, but it wasn't lingerie or jewelry or perfume or a dozen long stemmed roses. It was a set of chopsticks. I'd been working late at the office a couple weeks prior and complained to him on the phone that I'd just gotten Chinese food, but they forgot the chopsticks. And that I always hated when that happened. It was just a side note conversation, but he remembered it.
So, drop the chomance guys. Cause it's actually the small things that go a long way.
PS For the record, I love mixed CDs.
Friday, December 17, 2010
So, happy birthday to my bro on his 22nd birthday. And an extra special shout out to all the older sisters. We have you to thank for the good men out there. (You're welcome.)
"the littlest things that take me there, I know it sounds lame, but it's so true. I know it's not right, but it seems unfair, the things remind me of you."
-Lily Allen, 2007
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Bad news. You've just been deported. To Douche Bag island. It's true. We at the BLOW OFF think you're a big fucking joke. Here's just a few reasons why we can't stomach you and need to send you away to hang out with John Mayer and Spencer Pratt.
For starters, you recently opposed a school lunch bill that would help American kids eat better--- legislation that could help lower future health cares costs by decreasing childhood obesity. You claim that it's the parents job to worry about what their kids eat, not the schools or the government. Hmmm. Right...cause if we all went by your parenting handbook we'd raise kids that use the word "faggot" and get pregnant before they're old enough to have their driver's license. Even Elisabeth Hasselbeck was mad at you. That's how dumb you are!
Speaking of childhood obesity, what are you feeding your kids? Bristol Palin was the only contestant in the history of Dancing with the Stars that looked chubbier by the end. I'm just sayin'...
Speaking of Dancing with the Stars, that totally reminds me--- you just joined a club whose members are the bottom feeders of the world: reality TV stars. And in an upcoming episode you go camping with Kate Gosselin. I'm trying to rack my brain, but nothing about that sounds presidential.
Speaking of presidential...in 2009, you quit in the middle of your term as governor so that you could make more money and spend more time in the public eye. And spend less time in Alaska, the state you claim to love so much. There's a name for people like that. Fame. Whores. Seriously, imagine if Barack Obama was just like "peace out, folks. I'm resigning as President, because I want to allow the country to move to forward without distraction." What?
You make us root for people like Levi Johnston.
You consider Rush Limbaugh a satirist, but not Seth McFarland. Which means you have no idea what satire means. Which means you're retarded.
You know how in the movie Silence of the Lambs, Clarice tells Hannibal Lecter about the time she was an orphan living on her cousin's ranch and she witnessed the spring lambs getting slaughtered and how she still wakes up in the middle of the night hearing their screams? Well, that's how we feel about your voice. and your catch phrases.
But, let's stop being negative. Let's focus on the things we love about you, Sarah. You make other women look good (Tina Fey, Katie Couric, and Hilary Clinton to name a few). You've given us the perfect stupidity litmus test. Here's how it works. People who call themselves your supporters = stupid. You make me that much happier my name isn't pronounced like yours. And with any luck, if you somehow land the Republican Presidential nominee in 2012, we'll get to see Obama inaugurated as President a second time.
Have fun campaigning from douche bag island! Don't forget your sunscreen!
The Blow Off
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
You just got blown off, but guess what? You may have deserved it. Here's the top ten reasons it's definitely not them, it's you.
10. You're super into me, but you couldn't be less interested in my friends. As our loyal reader Harper Alexander said (RE: how to not lose a guy), "please try to get to know and enjoy my friends." Truer words have never been spoken. Sure, they may not be people you'd ever hang out with normally, but they mean something to us. So, suck it up. Laugh at their jokes. Shower them with compliments. Smile at them and talk to them. Don't just sit there with a blank look on your face and a not so subtle glance at your watch.
9. Your idea of a date is meeting up at 2am for a little somethin' somethin'. Booty calls can only last for so long and are only okay when we're only semi into you and desperate for sex. But none of us want to hook up with someone we're really hot for when they make us feel like they'd be embarrassed to be seen with us in public. The sad thing is, you'll probably blow us off before we muster the self respect to do the honor ourselves.
8. Your little somethin' somethin' is more like a lot of nothin' nothin'. If having sex with you inspires the Weekend at Bernie's, porn edition--- then chances are, our orgasm deprived selves will need to take our business elsewhere. And by business I mean our vaginas and penises.
7. Your favorite thing to talk about is yourself. I know your parents names and what they do for a living, I know your food allergies, your hopes and dreams, your DVR recording schedule, your weight, height, hair color, most traumatic childhood memory, not to mention....your affection for Golden Retrievers, the name of all your ex-girlfriends, where you went to college, what you majored in, and that time you dropped acid and something crazy happened. But somehow you can barely remember my last name. Here's how we can play this. Either you shut the fuck up, ask me some questions about myself, listen, and commit my answers to memory OR you leave me alone and do what all self absorbed people do: start a blog.
6. We've only been dating for a couple of weeks and I'm already your whole world. You've all but abandoned your friends. You've already taken over a drawer in my apartment. You've talked to my parents on the phone. You've "blurted" I love you. And you've started talking about "us" in the future tense. In other words, you're clearly desperate and bat shit crazy and I need to blow you off. Stat.
5. You played the ultimatum card. I get it, we've been dating for awhile. But, if you present me with the options of marriage VS a break up, you're gonna be out on your ass.
4. You couldn't decide whether to shit or get off the pot. Here's the flip side of #5. If we've been dating for three years and we're at the acceptable marrying age (28 and up) and you still can't decide if I'm the person you want to make a life with (and have never hinted towards mawwaige), then instead of resorting to a pathetic ultimatum--- I'll just dump you and marry my rebound.
3. You don't eat oysters and/or you're anti-TV. Okay, so it sounds snobby to not date a person who hates oysters, but let's dig a little deeper than that. People who are super finicky eaters SUCK. Oysters are fucking delicious and so are all those other awesome foods you're too much of a pussy to try. No one wants to sit across from a dinner table with someone who suddenly reverts into a five year old while they're eating (here comes the train, choo-choo, open wide!)
AND people who wax on and off about how much they hate TV can kiss my whole asshole. Have you ever seen Mad Men? Friday Night Lights? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia? There's some fucking brilliant shit on TV, stop being such a pretentious dumb butt and tune in.
2. Your middle name is "inconsistent." First you call and text every day for a week. Then you disappear for two days. Then you tell me you really like me. Then you say things are moving too fast. Then after sex, you say I'm the best you've ever had. Then you stop having sex with me for days. Then you show up at my birthday party. But you don't talk to me at the party. Then you show up at my doorstep with flowers. Then you tell me you just want to be friends. Then a week later, you say you miss me. Dude. You fucking suck.
1. You had a freak out prior to the three month mark. We haven't been dating for all that long. Things are going relatively well, but we're still getting to know each other. And then you have to go and ruin everything by starting a conversation with "where is this going..." before we've moved past the preliminary 90 day mark. It just took four little words and I'm suddenly way less attracted to you. And to think, if you'd waited a week or two, we could have really been something....
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
That's just lazy. Something major must have happened.
I take a little comfort in the fact that even when you're People's Sexiest Man Alive and GQ's Babe of the year, you still have to deal with the normal everyday shit the rest of us do. Like relationship drama and fights about who's prettier and yucky awkward "something's off between us" sex.
So, it turns out Alanis won her break up with Ryan after all.
And believe me, somewhere out there, Woody Allen is celebrating. And Jessica Biel is locking Justin Timberlake up in a tower.
I give it a year and Ryan will be dating Sandra Bullock. Mark my words.
And then I remembered that Mrs. Lopez saved George's life when she gave him one of her kidneys! It's hard enough to get divorced and decide who gets the house, custody of the kids, or your extensive DVD collection--- but I can't imagine watching a person walk out of your life with one of your organs. Oh, hell no!
Let this be a lesson to all of us. If we agree to donate a kidney or part of our liver to our spouse, let's have them sign a little pre-organ transplant agreement. Like, if you cheat on me (which Lopez allegedly did) and we split up, I want my body part back.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Anyway, this is the episode where Christina gets BLOWN OFF at the altar by Burke (Isaiah Washington who was famously fired from the show). It's a great scene, although you could watch someone take a crap to the Ingrid Michaelson song that's playing and it would be poetic. And good news for our Spanish speaking readers, this clip comes with subtitles.
Now, not to piss all over this moment--- but I have to add that this is not the first time on TV a bride has begged her bestie to rip off her wedding dress. Sex and the City did it first when Miranda ripped a dress off of Carrie. Come on Shonda Rhimes, get with it!
Friday, December 10, 2010
"Tell me who I have to be to gain some reciprocity. See, no one loves you more than me. And no one ever will."
-Lauryn Hill, 1998
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I know it's silly to get bummed out over celebrity break ups, but if you read this blog often enough you know I take these things super duper seriously. So, my friends and I were pretty pissed off at Hilary and Chad for making it look like they were in love and everything was hunky dory. Especially, since Chad always had a special place in our heart from his stint as Jesse in Life Goes On (TEARS!) We decided this meant that no celebrity union is safe. And that's when we compiled a random list of famous couples that were either dating or married to see how many would make it. Yes, we were that bored. Nearly five years later, the results are pretty depressing:
Antonio Banderas & Melanie Griffith
Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn
Claire Danes & Billy Crudup
Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Phillipe
Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
Britney Spears & Kevin Federline
Sandra Bullock & Jesse James
Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith
Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick
Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson
Adam Brody & Rachel Bilson
David Duchovny & Tea Leoni
Ellen Degeneres & Portia Di Rossi
Madonna & Guy Ritchie
David Arquette & Courtney Cox Arquette
All the couples in italics are totally over. That's 47%. It would be more if you counted the stint that Tea and David were done-zo. Personally, I think the most tragic break up here is Michelle & Heath :(
Statistically speaking, we're averaging two couples broken up per year, which means two more on the list are bound to go splitsville in the next 12 months. Leave it to the BLOW OFF to make a science out of celeb unions. That's how smart we are, friends.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
10. Swallow your pride and call those friends you've been ignoring for the past however many months. There's a slight chance they still want to hang out with you. Organize a girls or boys night out, get drunk, dance, kiss someone, and karaoke to Heartbreaker by Pat Benetar.
9. If you're a girl, download and listen to Ani Difranco's Dilate until you have every lyric memorized. If you're a guy, download and listen to NWA's Straight out of Compton until you have every lyric memorized. On second thought, everyone should buy both albums and do a mash up. Then, watch every single episode of Felicity.
8. Masturbate. And think about your ex's best friend the whole time.
7. Change your appearance enough that if you run into your ex, you give them the illusion that you've moved on. If you've got a beard--- shave it. If you don't have a beard--- grow one. If you have long hair--- cut it. If you have short hair--- dye it.
6. Skip the self help section at the book store and read the BLOW OFF. Or just send us your break up story to email@example.com
(what? we're not above blatant self promotion. And at least we didn't put this as #1)
5. Cleanse your "palate" and sleep with someone else. Warning: this might actually make you feel worse for a period of time, BUT remember: your ex has probably slept with someone else by now too.
4. It sounds cheesy, but write your ex a letter of everything you want to say to them and can't. Then sleep with it under your pillow for seventeen days. On the eighteenth day, you will be completely over them.
3. Get rid of everything and anything that reminds you of the ex. We're talking photos, mixed CDs, jewelry, clothing, ticket stubs--- whatever perfume or cologne you wore while dating them. If you're not ready to burn everything yet...then stop being such a pussy and man up. Or just throw everything in a box and put it under your bed.
2. Exercise. Not only will it make you look hot, but it'll get some of the pent up aggression out. And we're not talking yoga on a hilltop. We're talking high intensity kickboxing, fencing, wrestling, and synchronized swimming.
1. Delete them from your phone and your Facebook page (including any friends you may have added through them). Then, friend request the one that got away and cyber flirt your little heart out. It might sound juvenile, but trust us, you don't want to keep tabs on your ex. Only celebrities should have to deal with seeing pictures of their old love in the arms of someone new--- cause those a-holes get paid millions to endure the pain.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Here's the phenomenon us ladies have experienced since the beginning of time. If a guy that we're dating or interested in dating has one itty-bitty portion of his life in disarray, he can't handle being in a relationship at the same time. Like, if he just moved into a new apartment OR just got laid off OR just started a new job OR just enrolled in grad school OR just got his haircut. Boyfriend completely falls apart.
Personally, I've been the victim of this a couple of times. Mainly with guys who can't handle adjusting to a new city and dating a girl at the same time. One of the rockier periods with my F- word was during the first few months he moved to LA and was adjusting to a new town and a new job. Luckily, we survived the rough patch.
So, here's my question to the dudes out there. Is this whole "I can't be in a relationship until I get my shit together" thing a giant farce and just a convenient excuse for blowing us off? OR, do you really have a tough time dating someone when you don't totally feel like "the man." Remember, break it to us gently. Or we'll go bat shit crazy on your ass.
Friday, December 3, 2010
"Your lover's warm kiss…
It’s too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing to lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind."
-Ryan Bingham (2009)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Just to give you a quick recap, Lebron was an Ohio native and played for the Cleveland Cavaliers for years...but never managed to win a championship. Thus, he decided to blow them off and sign with the Miami Heat and didn't even tell the Cavs...until announcing it to the nation in a press conference. Now comes my FAVORITE post blow off moment. The awkward run in!! Tonight, the Miami Heat plays the Cleveland Cavaliers. Wait, it gets better. The game is in Cleveland!
If this still means nothing to you, allow me to break it down the way my brother broke it down for me. The Cavaliers are like the innocent and homely girl you dated for way too long. One day, you realize that even though you have great affection for your first love, you'd rather shoot yourself in the head than marry her and live in Cleveland for the rest of your life. So, you leave her for another woman. Someone a lot hotter, someone a lot sexier, someone with a lot more money and better game.
Your old girlfriend is humiliated. And once you leave, everything goes downhill for her. She's practically on suicide watch. Just when she feels like she can move on...you show up. With your hot, sexy, rich girlfriend to rub it in their face. But be careful, because your ex has got her entire family with her and they're all just itching to kick your ass.
I was psyched to watch this game tonight, but it turns out Cleveland has upped security and is banning any offensive Lebron James T-shirts & gear. Apparently, the jilted ex-girlfriend wants to keep her head held high.
BOR-ing. Personally, I don't want anyone to attack or kill the guy, but I wouldn't mind seeing a little harmless ass-kickage. Either way, we'll be watching and if there's anything worth reporting, make sure to come back tomorrow for an assessment in blow off terms.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
10. Stop trying to control all our lives.
9. Stop not having dinner ready when we get home.
8. Stop trying to change the channel when we’re watching sports.
7. Don’t get mad every Saturday and Sunday when a guy wants to watch football.
6. Stop getting annoyed every five minutes just because we’re being dudes.
5. Don’t ask us a question when you know what you want the answer to be, and then suggest your answer when we answer another way.
4. Stop comparing things that we do, to things that you do.
3. Don’t be so dramatic. Instead, maybe you should go to fucking India for four months and figure it out. (Note: in case you missed it, this is an Eat, Pray, Love reference)
2. Don’t make threats that you’re not gonna carry out.
1. Stop reading into the fact that I haven’t texted you in three hours and chill the fuck out.