Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 1

Thanks to the eleven people that voted "yes" to our poll on recapping The Bachelor, I will once again lose two hours of my life to watching the show, plus the extra hour it takes to write this post. Screw you, yes voters!

Just kidding. I voted yes. I secretly wanted to recap the show. It gives me a good excuse to watch it. So, without further adieu, here's the recap on episode 1!

Brad Womack was on the Bachelor three years ago and out of the 25 trashy ho-bags he had to choose from, he picked no one. This made him the most hated man in America. Among our group of weekly Bachelor viewers, it made him an American hero.

But a lot can change in three years and now Brad is ready. (i.e. he's out of money and could use the extra cash ABC is gonna pay him for doing the show.)

Plus, Brad's now gone to therapy. And psycho-analysis has taught him that he's afraid of commitment, because...you ready for this?....he had an absentee dad.

WHAT? People with absent fathers have daddy issues?! Brad's therapist is like freaking regular Sigmund Freud.

Then Brad does what all guys who are ready for love do. He goes over to his brother's house and stares at his niece and nephew longingly. Not because he's a pedophile, but because he's ready to get married and have kids. Or at least that's what ABC wants us to think.

Hold up. How come Brad's brother from the same father doesn't have commitment issues? Well, cause he looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy. And ugly guys don't have commitment issues.

My favorite part of the introduction to Brad Womack is the dramatization of him watching the finale from three years ago. And all the sweaty shirtless shots.
Brad: I'm a changed man. CUT TO: Brad jogging shirtless.
Brad: I'm ready for love. CUT TO: Brad jumping out of a pool all wet and shirtless. Then doing push-ups. Then playing with his nipples.

Now, we get to meet the girls!!! Brad gets thirty contestants to choose from this season, cause adding 5 slores is sure to increase his chances of falling in love. Usually contestants get to give their input to producers on what kind of girls they're looking for. From the ladies we meet, these are the things we infer about Brad:

#1 He either can't spell or he's dyslexic. Cause the girls he likes have names like Raichel, Brittnee, and J.

#2 Brad's a member of the KKK. There are no black girls, Asian girls, or Latinas in this mix. Only orange girls.

#3 Brad likes girls with no upper lips and big booties. So, he's less into blow jobs and more into anal.

But I digress. Back to the ladies.

The Funeral Director becomes an early favorite. She gets ten points for dealing with dead people everyday, but loses six points for dealing with dead people in Chico.

The dentist might be mentally retarded. Watching her dance in her bedroom in knee socks is less fun than swimming in a pool of period blood with our mouths and eyes open. Wait, that might be the most disgusting thing I've ever written. Which makes it the most disgusting thing you've ever read on this blog, unless...you're a vampire.

Like Madison. The model from Brooklyn who has fangs. This girl is bat shit crazy. Literally. But now I'm starting to think that the execs at ABC have been reading my Bachelor related recaps, because didn't I say I wanted a vampire on this show? Ask and you shall receive, folks.

We also meet this lonely divorcee who works really hard and then comes home to her cats. Cause all pathetic lonely women have cats. And go on The Bachelor.

And then there's Emily. Poor, poor blonde Emily. No, for reals. Her story is tragic. She met this guy her sophomore year of high school, they fell in love, and got engaged when they were nineteen. But he was a race car driver and en route to one of his races, his plane crashed and he and all ten passengers were killed. Emily was supposed to be on that plane, but she felt sick and skipped the trip. I actually get a little teary eyed when Emily says she still wishes she'd been on the plane. Sadness! Someone introduce this girl to Chris L, stat. Wait, it gets worse. Days later, Emily discovers she's pregnant. So, now she's a single mom raising her dead fiance's baby all alone. This is even more sad, except I'm convinced it's a lie and ABC hired a child actress to play Emily's daughter.

Then we have to sit through a really awkward sequence of Brad Womack being confronted by Deanna and Jini, the two girls he gave it to in the butt and didn't propose to. The nerve! But don't feel too sorry for these girls, because they both have huge rocks on their finger. That's right. They're engaged.... courtesy of the ABC prop department.

Next, Brad meets the ladies and we are supposed to believe that they're just learning for the first time that he's The Bachelor. Divorced Cat Lady slaps Brad and says "that's for every woman in America." But everyone knows that divorced cat ladies are too pathetic to think of witty things to say on the fly, so the producers obviously fed her this line.

Other highlights besides the terrible pageant dresses include, but are not limited to: the girl who plays the "can you handle being with a girl who's life revolves around sports" card. ugh. That's the oldest trick in the book. The Rockette that flashes her vag at Brad when she shows off her kicks (btw, her name is Keltie. huh?). Some dipshit girl who ran into Brad's arm and screamed "catch me." Stacey, the bartender from Boston who scores points because she has no idea who Brad Womack is (fucking liar!), Lisa from Kansas with red ruby stripper shoes, Sarah who decides to let Brad in on a little secret about her...she can't snap. I can't believe she told him that, she's def not getting a rose now.

And then, we meet...MICHELLE. The hot single mom. She's the Gia of this season. Way hotter than all the other girls. But only if you don't stare at her for too long. Cause then she looks kind of deformed.

For the next thirty minutes, the girls try to get alone time with Brad. Raichel, the manscaper, waxes part of his arm to show him what she does for a living. Bitch, you spell your own name wrong and you look like you have a hairy penis underneath that blue dress. Spoiler alert: she gets a rose.

My favorite girl is the chick who tries like five times to get alone time with Brad. She's the most desperate girl here which makes her a FUCKING LOSER. and she says things like "I don't take life too seriously. As you can see, I have no shoes on." Spoiler alert: she does not get a rose.

Things that excite me about this sequence: #1 Brad is super into vampires!!! He and I have so much in common. He's like all turned on by Madison's fangs. It's weird. #2 The girl in the green dress who tells Brad a guy once blew her off 'cause her ass was too big. #3 Jackie, the "artist" who sings for Brad (note to bachelor contestants: stop singing. Has anyone on this show ever gotten a record deal besides Bob Guinney??? NO!) #4 Emily, the widow, actually imparts some wisdom from her grandmother to Brad. Listen carefully readers:

"It's better to be home alone, then home and wishing you were alone." This should totally be a slogan for vibrators.

Brad gives the first impression rose to this slutty looking nanny with no upper lip and a big booty.

At the end of the show, Brad has nineteen roses to give out. He hands out eighteen and then..Chris Harrison (the man with the easiest job in the world) comes out to tell Brad he has just one rose left. Oh. My. God. Brad can't spell and count. Brad is illiterate! Finally, Brad gives out the final rose and just like that, eleven girls are blown off and sent home. They do what all girls that kicked off this show do, cry and talk about how sad they are that they didn't have a chance to show Brad how wonderful they are.

Note: If you are a guy and can't get laid, you have to work on this show. I guarantee girls who don't get roses will let you do things to them you've never even dreamed of.

Then comes my favorite part: the sneak peek of what's to come in the series.

Helicopters! Hot tubs! Bungee cords! A tormented bachelor! A crazy girl! A tearful girl! And...

SEAL. Singing what may be the world's most annoying song "Kiss from a Rose." Get it? Rose. Roses. Rose ceremony. If we didn't know it before, we know it now. Seal's career is in the shitter.

Can't wait to see how episode two plays out!!!

2 comments:

  1. I have a confession - I love this part of the blog because it means I don't have to watch the Bachelor. Your recaps are way funnier and quicker than the actual show.

    Also, I have inside intel that those girls are WAY drunk and WILL sleep with the males working on the show. Or females. I said it.

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  2. Claire, you're the best! thanks for reading and thanks for the intel, i'm so into that. we need a bachelor girl on girl sex tape already!!

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