Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 2 recap

awww, shit. This episode was really good. Not only did the crazies come out, but we got a cameo appearance from Roberto and Ali. And Ali's pregnant!!! Okay, she's not, she just looked a little pregnant in that terrible sparkly dress she was wearing. In case you were wondering, Roberto still has his butt chin. Thank the lord! But enough about them, they are so last season.

The show kicks off with Chris Harrison making a ten second appearance to give the girls their first date card. Chris Harrison's job is so easy that he has to blog the episodes to justify his paycheck. Yo, Chris. What's it like getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to write a blog? Go fuck yourself.

Anyway, the girls are all kinds of bummed out when Ashley H (AKA the retarded dentist) gets the first one on one date with Brad. Ashley S (who basically looks identical to Ashley H) is especially upset, because she got the first impression rose.

But the person who's really devastated is the star of this episode: Melissa. We learn that Melissa has been waiting eight years to be on The Bachelor and has spent a FORTUNE on fugly dresses to wear on this show! Plus, she quit her job as a waitress. She needs a date with Brad, stat!

Brad shows up to pick Ashley H up for their date. She's wearing a dress that would only be acceptable if she was a ballerina hooker. But, I have to give this girl some credit. At least she's a dentist. That means she's Dr. Ashley H.

Brad and "can I call you Ash" Ashley take a limo into the woods and have to trek through the dark. This is when I'm hoping we'll find out that this is really the sequel to The Human Centipede and by the end of this date, Ashley's mouth will be sewn to Brad's butthole (just watch the trailer).

Then, Ashley turns on this light switch and lo and behold--- they're in the middle of a carnival. They keep saying how this is the best date ever. Brad says he feels like a little kid again. I don't get it. Carnivals are freaky. People die on those rides. Unfortunately, Brad and Ashley H survive the ferris wheel.

Brad and Ashley bond over the fact that they both have drunk absent dads (AKA they are both white trash.) I'm just kidding. I really don't think this makes them WT, they should be happy they don't have dads--- I mean, look at Kirk from Ali's season. He has a dad. And his dad is a taxidermist. I'd totally rather have a missing drunkie for a father.

Anyway, Brad and Ashley both say something about how they're scared blah blah blah blah. "I'm scared" just surpassed "I'm here for the right reasons" as the catch phrase of this show. Then, Brad gives Ashley H a rose. And they make out.

Back at the house, we learn that Brad's gonna get a group date with fifteen other girls. Michelle is PISSED. How dare she have to share HER man with fourteen other girls?!

Last week, we thought Michelle was the Gia of this season, but she's actually pretty busted. Maybe it's cause last week she was twenty-nine and this week it's her 30th birthday. It turns out, Michelle is also a total bitch. I'm calling her the Rated R of Brad's season.

Group date time! The executives at ABC decide that in order to not go straight to hell for putting this show on the air, they're going to have the contestants make PSA's on donating blood for the Red Cross.

HOLD UP. Did anyone test these people for diseases before taking their blood?!

Then all the girls have to put on outfits for these super weird PSA's that are somehow supposed to get people to donate blood?! Guess where the PSA airs: during one commercial break in this episode.

Everyone gets to dress like sluts, except for Keltie who gets the role of butch girl in a neck brace with casts on her arms. I feel bad for Keltie. This is totally unfair. The ABC execs are back on their way to hell.

The best part of the PSA shoot is when Brad has to film this semi-racist telenovella and Melissa (the one who's broke because of all the dresses she bought) strides into the middle of the scene to kiss him.) Awkward.

Other favorite things about this sequence. Michelle getting all butt hurt that she's "just a number" and Brad isn't paying enough attention to her. Britt turning into a huge SLUTELLA for Brad. Her PSA includes a threesome and she says that she's really nervous cause she's kind of a prude. And then she sticks her tongue down his throat. And Michelle is "just sitting there going..it's my birthday!" Does this bitch really have a kid? Isn't she sad she can't spend her birthday with her child??

Michelle throws such a temper tantrum that she doesn't even do the effing PSA!

Then, the sun goes down and everyone goes to the same exact rooftop that Ali hung out at with her men. This sequence is all kinds of boring, except that the ladies are super bummed out when Brad gives Michelle the rose...cause in case you forgot...it's her birthday! Then, Michelle proceeds to do this really weird "suck it, ladies" dance with the rose. Ugh. This bitch needs to go down!

Back at the house, another date card arrives and Jackie (the artist from NY who has never said what kind of art she does) gets a one on one date with Brad. She's pumped!

Brad picks her up and takes her to a fancy Bev Hills hotel where they get into robes and proceed to give each other hand massages. It's a little too intimate for Brad and he totally creams his robe! Okay, he doesn't, but how awesome would it be if that happened? (For the record the word "creams" really grosses me out.)

Then Brad takes Jackie into this hotel room and surprises her with two racks of ugly dresses and hooker shoes. Then Jackie tells him that no man has made her feel like a prostitute before and they get into a big fight and she storms off. Wait, no. That's Pretty Woman.

Jackie picks out a frumpy mom dress and the two of them go to the Hollywood Bowl to have a romantic dinner and get serenaded by Train. This is all kinds of uncomfortable. As cool as it would be to have front row seats at the bowl, I don't know if I'd want my favorite musicians performing just for me and my BF. It's like when you're at a restaurant and a mariachi band starts playing at your table and you don't know who to look at and for how long and you just want them to finish so you can tip them and put an end to all the awkwardness.

PS I feel sorry for any musician that agrees to make an appearance on the show.

Brad and Jackie start "dancing slowly" (note to Brad: it's slow dancing) to some song called "Marry Me" which is just so lame and cheesy--- BUT before Train rudely interrupted their date, Jackie admitted to Brad that she's only had a couple of boyfriends and never dated anyone through college. Basically, she fucked around a lot. Brad thinks this is weird and he tells Jackie that she's scaring him. Why is everyone on this show so scared??? It's not the fucking apocalypse. It's dating. And reality TV. In the words of Joy Behar "so what, who cares."

But, if I'm going to be totally honest, I like Brad and Jackie together. Aside from the fact that she sang for him in last week's episode, she seems to be one of the more normal ladies in the house. They have a great time and Jackie gets a rose.

Shit, I totally forgot. Back at the house, super blond Emily makes an emotional phone call to her fake, casted by ABC, cheerleading daughter. Emily says it's really hard to be away from her. You kind of have to love this girl and her dead fiance sob story. And at least she calls her fake daughter. Michelle doesn't even call her real kid. I kind of want Brad to pick her, because I'm afraid if he doesn't, she'll move in with Hugh Hefner.

Okay, let's just skip to the rose ceremony. Raichel with an I and Melissa start bickering and crying and hating on each other. These bitches are both crazy. I'm surprised that Raichel is carrying on in such a petty girly way, because she secretly has a penis and boys aren't supposed to be melodramatic. Maybe it's all the estrogen pills she's been taking, but they both start crying and Brad has to try and console them. The BEST part of this entire episode is when Melissa is balling her eyes out to Brad and then suddenly apologizes for her onion breath and the four slices of pizza she ate. Brad tells her it's cool, he calls Dr. Ashley H over and she gives Melissa a teeth cleaning. Not really.

Then, Ali and Roberto show up and the contestants look like fucking Brangelina just walked into the room. Brad asks Ali and Roberto to talk to all the girls to get a sense of who's semi-normal (I mean, how normal can you really be if you went on The Bachelor?) and who's a fucking nut job. You can just tell Roberto's sweat glands are trying so hard not to burst. CUT TO:

Rose ceremony. Brad has to eliminate three girls and he gets rid of Keltie and the two crazies (Melissa and Raichel.) Suddenly he wins our love and respect for booting the drama queens. But, when Keltie leaves it kind of breaks my heart. She says that she's tried everything to get a boyfriend and that maybe love isn't in the cards for her.

Keltie, if you're reading this: you haven't tried everything! Try not wearing so much eye make-up. Try a different hairstyle. Try not doing a can-can kick the first time you meet a man. Try changing your name. And try not to rap on camera. As though the humiliation wasn't enough for poor Keltie in this episode (uh, neck brace?), the producers play footage of her "rapping" during the credits. That's like as bad as water boarding, ABC. Is Dick Cheney secretly producing this show?

Can't wait for next week when Emily plays her trump card and tells everyone about her tragic past. I hope everyone does an ugly cry! And that Chris L magically shows up and marries her.

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