Thursday, January 20, 2011

the Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 3 recap

Another phenomenal episode of the best show on television. I could literally write a dissertation on this week's show, but I'll try to keep it relatively short.

The show begins with Chris Harrison explaining the rules of the one on one dates to the girls (pack your bags ahead of time in case you don't get a rose.) I love how the producers of this show pretend Chris is necessary. These girls have watched every season of this show since it started. They know every single rule in the Bachelor handbook. Get off of my fucking TV screen in your ugly blue shirt, Harrison!

Ashley S (the nanny) gets one of the coveted one on one dates. She says her goal is to have her first kiss with Brad. Why not aim high and hope you make it to second base, Ash?

Meanwhile, Michelle bitches about how she hates sharing her man with sixteen other girls. We always knew she was a little unstable, but in this episode she proves she's off her fucking rocker. Like Rebecca DeMornay in the Hand that Rocks the Cradle crazy. I predict by the end of the season, she'll try to breast feed Brad.

Ugh, if I have to watch another girl on this show pretend she loves to ride in a convertible, I'm going to give myself a hysterectomy. Why can't there be more normal/less perky girls on this show? Girls like me who'd say things like "can you put the top down, I'm not into wind."

Brad and Ashley S arrive at Capitol Records where they are told they will be recording the world's most annoying song, Kiss From a Rose. Ashley is all kinds of nervous, because she can't sing---- but then we come to find out that Kiss From a Rose was the song she and her dad always sang together and he---wait for it---is dead.

ABC, you're not fooling me. I know you guys do extensive interviews with these ladies and at one time or another Ashley S told you all about her dad and their song and that this is not all some giant coincidence. This is totally orchestrated, just like those CGI rainbows in Tahiti on Ali's season.

Also, new rule for The Bachelor. If you are a contestant that cries about their dead relative, I want some fucking proof they are really dead.

Brad and Ashley's singing is highly offensive. And this song is just so awful. Like worse than Benny & the Jets awful.

We all know what comes next. Brad surprises Ashley with a performance from Seal. Wow, Seal must be pretty fucking desperate. Heidi Klum really fucked with his mojo. We have to sit through the song one more time and at this point I'm pulling a Winona with a nail file in Black Swan, except I'm stabbing my ears. Minor confession: I kind of liked the second Seal song.

Up on the roof, Ashley opens up to Brad about her dad and Brad just stares at her blankly and nods his head. He's such a douche. He so can't deal with something this heavy. He gives her a rose anyway and then Ashley S says something that honest to God makes me barf in my mouth: "even though I lost my dad, I'm going to get a great husband." WTF?!

Side note to The Bachelor: I'm sick of rooftops, convertibles, private jets, and helicopters. I want something new and exciting. At least in Ali's season they got to travel the world and we didn't have to stare at the ugly house in the valley with all the blue lights and pink flowers all the time.

Back at the fugly house, the girls learn who's going on the next group date. Our favorite psycho (Michelle) gets all pissy about the fact that she has to go on yet another group outing.

My favorite scene in this entire episode was the super awkward and weird action sequence Brad acted out when the girls arrive for the group date. What is the message we are sending to young woman, Disney?! That violent men are sexy?

The girls learn they are filming an action movie. There's a real life "action" director there named Steven Ho. I looked him up on IMDB and it turns out he's a stunt guy. I have no idea why he bothers to give these girls real direction. Newsflash Ho, Martin Scorcese does not watch The Bachelor.

You know what would make these action sequences so much better? If The Bare Naked Ladies were singing along to them and this was another one of their acclaimed music videos.

Shawntel kicks hardcore ass in her scene and everyone seems surprised. I'm not. The girl is a funeral director from Chico. She probably drop kicks dead people all the time.

Back at the house, Emily learns she gets the next one on one date with Brad. She immediately freaks out about telling him her sob story. We hear the story about her fiance and the plane crash for the millionth time. All the girls cry. Why can't Madison AKA the vampire find a way to resurrect Em's dead fiancee??!!

Shawntel and Brad film the last scene of the action movie and she's wearing an unfortunate pair of leopard print hot pants. It's not a good look. Although now I'm really hoping they'll stick them on Chris Harrison next time he makes an appearance.

The group date continues on a....ROOFTOP. Chantel and Brad get some alone time and she suddenly starts crying because her dad died. Brad goes: another girl with another dead dad? What the frack, ABC? When I said I wanted damaged girls with daddy issues, I didn't say I wanted them to cry about it every five minutes!

Side note, I like Chantel. She's pretty.

Brad has another ground shattering conversation with another girl who's name I can't remember who offers up this little piece of wisdom about relationships. You want someone that you can say "let's go watch football and then let's go make out" to. Sadly, before she can dispense more dating advice, the soundtrack to Jaws comes on and we see Psycho Michelle in the background.

All Brad would have to do in this moment to win my undying love and respect is to tell Michelle to git, because he's in the middle of a conversation. But he doesn't. He ditches the girl he's talking to for the crazy girl. Maybe cause he's afraid she'll fucking kill him if he doesn't.

Mental case and Brad go out on the balcony and Michelle tells him how hard it is to be away from her daughter. It's so fun to watch her fake cry about this. Trust me, there is nothing about this woman that says "I'm a mom." You just know she beats her kid with wire hangers.

Michelle and Brad share a nasty ass kiss, but he manages to win me over a little when he gives the rose to Shawntel. This makes me happy. Shawntel's been an early fave of mine for awhile. What's not to love about someone who makes dead people look hot?

Emily and Brad go on their one on one date and I decide at this point to forgive her for her terrible hair color, because she seems like she's a really nice person (and because she's really pretty). Although, I have a little theory that Brad will propose to her and the producers will reveal that she's a robot. Like Vicki from Small Wonder.

Here's where ABC really pissed me off this episode. They make poor Emily (who's talked about her fiance's plane crash a thousand times) get on a little plane. This is such a desperate attempt for drama and it sickens me. But not enough to stop watching this show.

Back at the house, the vampire cries about how there are girls there who need love more than her. Duh! You're a vampire! You have eternity to find someone. These girls have maybe until they turn thirty-five.

Emily and Brad eat dinner in a barn and she finally tells him she has a fake daughter and some fake fiance that died in a plane crash. No joke, Brad's head looks like it's going to explode while she tells him the story. He has no idea what's going on. He shuts her up by giving her a rose, but I think we all know Emily is too good for him. We need to get her and Chris L on the Bachelor Pad so they can live in Cape Cod and eat baked clams for the rest of their lives.

Brad's date with Emily was so intense, he needs a therapy session and luckily the producers have hooked him up with a psychiatrist in LA with a British accent. For the next three minutes, it's like we're watching an episode of In Treatment. My favorite part is when the therapist uses the word "vulnerable" and Brad looks all confused and the guy has to explain to him what the word means. I'm not kidding.

After his pep talk, Brad's ready to conquer the cocktail party.

Here are the pre-rose ceremony highlights. Brad apologizes to Chantel about not being sensitive enough when she talked to him about her dead dad...and then in the middle of their conversation they get interrupted by Michelle and Brad ditches her which proves he's still insensitive and that the therapy session was a total waste. Why does this guy like the resident mental case? She's not even pretty.

Michelle tells Brad she's mad at him for kissing other girls. Right about now, the producers decide to make him wear a bullet proof vest over his cock whenever he's around this girl.

The vampire confesses to Brad that she's not sure she should be here if it means taking a rose from one of the girls who deserves to stay. Basically, she thinks Brad is a douche and does not want his peen anywhere near her. And her coven of vampires is super pissed at her for going on the show and almost exposing them. Wait until they find out you took your fangs off...they are gonna be pissed!

Dr. Ashley H the dentist gets all kinds of insecure about the rose ceremony and Brad has to shove his tongue down her throat to reassure her. This girl and her complete lack of an upper lip are really starting to bother me.

Chris Harrison comes out and tells the girls it's time for the rose ceremony...and just like that he banks a million dollars. I mean, the guy isn't even around for the whole ceremony! ABC can't fool me. I know they tape his intro to the ceremony and his "ladies, there's only one rose left" back to back so he can skip everything in the middle.

How do I know this? Because he was nowhere in sight when the vampire walked out in the middle of the ceremony. She totally blows off Brad and tells him she doesn't want a rose and that she's going home. This is kind of hot and I kind of love her for this, although I wasn't prepared for the show to have no vampires after episode three. Total rip off!

Finally, Brad hands out all the roses sending two blonds packing. The first blond gets all pissy and says that Brad sucks and she's great and she'll find another guy in a second. The second blond cries her eyes out and says she doesn't deserve love and she's going to jump off a cliff.

Next week, there's a helicopter ride, a bitch fight, and head case Michelle wakes up with a mysterious black eye...hell to the yes, I love this show!

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