Wednesday, January 26, 2011

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 4 recap

Dear Leticia,

I'm convinced you're the only person that reads these recaps, so I'm considering addressing them all to you. So, here's what happened on The Bachelor this week:

Bat Shit Crazy Michelle wakes up with a black eye. She has no idea how it got there. Apparently, she's so stressed out about the show and Brad that she punched herself in the face in the middle of the night. I'm not buying that. I think Madison came back and turned her into a vampire and she got a black eye during their scuffle. I am so psyched there's another vampire on this show again!

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the girls that on this episode there will be a one on one date, followed by a group date, followed by another one on one date. NO SHIT. That's what happens in every episode. As much as I hate Chris Harrison for getting paid to do nothing, I am happy he's wearing earth tones for once. Clearly, Leticia isn't the only person reading this blog.

Chantal gets the first one on one date. Yes! She's one of my faves minus the fact that she slapped Brad when she first met him. That was super cheesy. Come on Chantal, you're better than that. You're a smart respectable contestant on The Bachelor.

Michelle keeps saying that she and Chantal are really different and if Chantal comes back from her date with a rose, Michelle won't know what to think. For once, Michelle is right. She and Chantal are different. Chantal = normal. Michelle = rocking back and forth in a corner with drool coming out of her mouth.

Brad comes to the house to pick Chantal up and lo and behold...a helicopter arrives. All the girls act like they are super surprised. Really? Cause I know you bitches have watched this show before and there's a helicopter in every fucking episode. So stop acting like Brad and Chantal are about to get into a time machine.

Brad takes Chantal to Catalina Island where they dress up like astronauts and go scuba diving. Chantal's freaked out cause she doesn't like swimming in the ocean (neither do I, girl crush!!) But she faces her fears for Brad, because after all "this date could change her life."

Back at the house, Michelle continues to freak out about Brad, her black eye, the fact that she wants a one on one date, and that she's so stressed she can't eat. Do you know what she doesn't freak out about? Being far away from her daughter.

Brad and Chantal cuddle on the beach together and she opens up about her divorce. But she doesn't really say anything except that they were together for 4 1/2 years and it didn't work out. Then, she apologizes to Brad for slapping him (it's okay Chantal. You're pretty. Brad and I forgive you!) Brad gives her the rose, it starts to rain, so they get in a tent and make out.

After the commercial break, it's a new day and the cast offs are getting ready for a group date. I'm confused. Why no footage of Chantal getting home and Michelle acting like a psycho? ABC totally dropped the ball here.

This may just be the lamest group date ever. The girls get to go on Love Line to hang out with Dr. Drew and some guy that's not Adam Carolla. First, Brad has to talk to Dr. Drew solo to get his daily dose of therapy. These girls need to run for the hills. I mean, the least ABC could have done was found a guy that's not in treatment.

Then the girls talk to Dr. Drew with Brad. Stacy, the bartender from Boston, admits she cheated on a boyfriend in college. Okay...has everyone seen Stacy? Everything about her screams "I cheat on boyfriends all the time." Brad's face has "i'm not giving you a rose" written all over it, then later he says something about how happy he was that Stacy was honest. What? The girl gets points for being honest about being dishonest? Can someone explain Brad's logic to me?

Dr. Drew breaks it down for everyone when he says that Brad is looking for someone he can be himself with. That's just nuts!!! Who wants that? Personally, I'm looking for someone I can be an eighty five year old Cambodian woman around.

The group date continues on...wait for it....a rooftop with a hot tub. I wonder how many bathing suits these ladies were required to pack. All the girls vie for Brad's attention by interrupting his conversations with the other woman. And Brad totally lets them. I wish the guy would be like "back off bitches, i'm kind of in the middle of something" Instead he always looks at the girl he's talking to and says "do you mind?" and she giggles and says no, then walks away and cries to one of the other ladies about it.

Ashley, the dentist, is especially freaking out. All the girls are like, Dr. Ashley--- chill out. At least you got a one on one date with him. And Dr. Ashley's like "you guys don't understand, things get so much harder after you've had a one on one date." OMG. Life is so hard for these ladies.

Brad decides to give the rose to Ashley to reassure her that he wants her puss-say, but she acts like a little bitch about it, so he changes his mind and gives it to Britt instead. Bold move, Womack, bold move.

Back at the house, Michelle gets her wish when she learns she'll be going on the next one on one date with Brad. Chantal purposely fucks with her when she points out that Michelle's date card said "let's hang out" while all the other date cards had the word "love" in them. This is so petty and I love every second of it. Chantal is my all around favorite.

At some point, Brad has another snooze fest therapy session where his doctor tells him it's okay to spread mouth herpes to all the girls.

Then, things get even more awesome between Michelle and Chantal when Brad comes over to pick Michelle up on their date. Michelle gets all pissy, because Brad wants to use their time together to have a private conversation with Dr. Ashley. Chantal basically calls her a hypocrite and says that she did the exact same thing two episodes ago. Touche!

That said, I'm confused--- why does Brad care so much about Ashley H? She's insecure, crazy, and kind of busted. Oh, shit. Maybe he thinks she's a therapist and not a dentist?! Either way, I have a feeling this girl is going to get far, because Brad spents an awful lot of time with her.

Brad and Michelle finally go on their one on one date. They kick things off at his place and THEN A HELICOPTER arrives. The producers of this show are seriously running out of ideas. They used the same helicopter trick in the same episode. That's just lazy.

But this helicopter only takes them from the valley to downtown LA where they land on top of a sky scraper. Michelle is told they have to scale down the building to another rooftop where they'll have dinner.

She proceeds to flip out and say she doesn't want to do this and that she's afraid of heights. Hmmmm....there's a theme here....almost all the girls have had to do something on their one on one dates that scares them: Ashley had to sing in public, Emily had to get on a little plane, Jackie had to watch Train in concert, Chantal had to get in the ocean....fingers crossed the next helicopter takes Brad and one of the girls to a Taliban lair in Afghanistan.

I love how during her freak out, Michelle never mentions the fact that she's a mother and if something happens to her, then her daughter will be all alone. Someone check this woman's vagina, cause I promise you a child has never been pushed out of it.

Brad and Michelle scale the building and share a kiss (with a camera angle from the inside of the building, which means this kiss was super pre-planned. You will never fool me, ABC!)

Brad and Michelle make out in a swimming pool and Brad tells Michelle he wants to meet her daughter someday. She's like: who? Brad: your daughter. Michelle: Huh? Brad: you're daughter. Remember, you have a child. Michelle: Me? Brad: Yes, you're a mom. Michelle: Oh, yeah, duh. Totally.

Now, I'm starting to get a little upset. Brad actually wants to meet her daughter? He really likes this girl? He just gave her a rose? What is wrong with this man? Therapy ain't doing shit for him. CUT TO:

The pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour. Chantal disappoints me by getting all teary eyed over Brad, because he took Emily aside with a blanket and a bottle of wine. Ladies. Relax. Brad is not running the show here, the producers are! Wait a second...maybe these girls are crying when a girl like Emily gets more Brad time, because that actually means the producers may want Em for the Bachelorette? I get it now. Cry away, ladies! Anyway, later Brad tells the girl who looks just like the mom from Gilmore Girls that he likes that she's not the type to dance in a hot tub like the other ho-bags. (AKA you're not a pathetic slut. Spoiler alert: he does not give her a rose at the end of the episode.)

Chris Harrison arrives to tell everyone it's rose ceremony time. I guarantee next week, they'll just use his voice over and a stand in. Brad ends up not giving roses to Stacy the cheater, the non-slutty girl, and the redheaded girl who hasn't had a single conversation with him on camera, but seems shocked that she's being sent home. Before she bows out, she says how proud her dad would be of her. WHY? Why would your father be proud of you for going on this ridiculous show?

Next week, ABC hits a new low when it makes the girls go race car driving. Remember that Emily's dead fiance (and the father of her child) worked in racing. This is such a blatant and disgusting attempt at getting a reaction from this poor girl. If I were her, I'd leave the show. Except that I think she's the front runner to be the next Bachelorette.

And then just when we thought the episode couldn't get any worse, ABC leaves us with images of the girls chain dry humping Brad. I think I contracted gonorrhea just watching this. Fuck.


  1. I'm here too! Remember, I read these so I don't have to watch the show...

  2. OMG, yes! thank you, Claire! It feels good to be reminded that more than one person reads :) xoxo

  3. I read them too! I depend on them to make sense of the senseless! This is hilarious, I love it.

    But if you're doubting your readership, Saaara, it might be because you aren't here for the right reasons.

  4. hilarious. i'm here for the right reasons. i want to fall in love and find my husband!