Monday, January 31, 2011

the kiss your belongings goodbye BLOW OFF

In every long term relationship where a couple keeps separate residences there's bound to be some spill over from your life into their space. Starts with a tooth brush. Then a change of clothes. Moves on to a couple books. Maybe a few CDs. Eventually you've set up an entertainment center or boutique inside someone else's home.

And then comes the BLOW OFF.

Whether BLOWEE or BLOWER, you may be without access to your newly insignificant other's dwelling. Depending on how the relationship ended you may not have an invite to retrieve your belongings. What do you do?

Well over a year ago a lousy, limping relationship ceased with an imbalanced woman screaming into her phone at me. Glad I would never speak with her again, I pondered what I left at her house. I retained a book of hers. I chalked up whatever my items might be as collateral damage. I assumed she would figure the same. Many months later I received a package in the mail. Vaguely recognizing the address I opened it to find a book and Entourage Season 2 on DVD. A short, fluttery note accompanied the belongs telling me she saw them on a shelf, thought I might want them, and that her cats are doing great. Didn't she realize the rules? I felt obligated to return her book... for about a minute. It still sits on my shelf.

More recently I was given my release from a seemingly happy relationship. On good terms, timing and sadness kept me from retrieving my few belongings at her home. She retains an old plastic bowl that I fondly recall full of jello when ill with the flu as a child. She also has my Arrested Development DVD, which I'd walk through fire to get back. But most of all I think about the 36 count box of condoms I bought that arrived in the mail shortly before our shared demise. I want them returned or destroyed. I don't want them as my donation to her next relationship.

Have you ever lost or gained any material items from a BLOW OFF? Comment below!


  1. Love this post. I had a FAVORITE pair of earrings (that always got me lucky I might add), I was out with a guy I was dating and his sister one night and she was super into them. Wanting her to like me and wanting him to like me more, I let her wear them for the rest of the night...and never got them back. I'm still pissed about that!

  2. I find sick pleasure in getting rid of my ex's things after a break-up. If it didn't end well, I now have the right to dispose of them as I wish. The best was when I sold my ex's hugo boss leather jacket to a consignment shop and got 50 bucks. I used it to drink away the memory of him. I call that: closure.

  3. "But most of all I think about the 36 count box of condoms I bought that arrived in the mail shortly before our shared demise. I want them returned or destroyed. I don't want them as my donation to her next relationship."


  4. Btw, Keith, you need to fill us in on the details of how the blow off took place. Or maybe that's fodder for another post?

    And Anonymous: How often does a relationship not end well? With me there'll inevitably be one side blowing off the other, but there's never much ill-will involved (outside of one side feeling burned for no good reason).

  5. @saaara - how did you know that it was that exact box of condoms? do you follow me on amazon?

    @anonymous - score!

    @o. - in time i hope to unveil most of my dating history on THE BLOW OFF.

  6. You need to get your Arrested D back. HOW DARE SHE?!!?!?

    My ex never did give me back my down comforter. It was a really nice one with goose feathers, that kept us warm during the cold NY nights, and cool in the summer months.

    It had a really cute blue plaid comforter cover over it--I remember getting it at Macy's, in college. This comforter and cover would pop up here and there on his flickr stream, post-BLOW OFF, with his cat. I remember coming across these photos with a pang of desire-- oh, how I deserved to be in those photos too!

    But those days are over. I haven't stalked him in a while. I wonder if he still uses that comforter. In Hong Kong. With his wife.


  7. @J. Keith--- crazy coincidence, but I'm super into the idea of buying condoms on amazon now. I once knocked over an entire box of key chains while trying to purchase condoms--- for the guy whose sister has my earrings!

    @kayoko, that is the worst fucking thing ever!! a down comforter? showing up in pictures?? Clearly he still keeps it because it reminds him of you! take that new wife.

  8. Omg don't even get me started on buying condoms at Duane Reade. Was ALWAYS A NIGHTMARE.

  9. Oh, and how could I forget? I've still got his Puma bag! SCORE!