Monday, January 24, 2011

the top ten things NOT to do after a BLOW OFF

If you've just been blown off , STOP EVERYTHING and read our top ten list on what NOT to do after a BLOW OFF. In case you were wondering, "Don't kill yourself" came in at number eleven.

10. Don't stalk your ex's every move on Facebook and then "accidentally" show up at the place he "checked into." Keep your stalking discreet and covert and to a healthy minimum. Back in B.F. (before Facebook) I once spotted a guy that blew me off walking down the street in NY. I followed him three blocks into a bookstore and pretended to accidentally run into him. I felt dirty after. I had to shower like three times while laying in the fetal position and crying 'til I got the hiccups.

9. Don't sleep with a random stranger you meet at a bar. STDs itch. Instead, sleep with your ex's best friend or their mommy or daddy.

8. Don't beg them to change their mind or take you back. It's embarrassing. Instead, listen to Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston on repeat while having sex with your ex's mom or dad and singing loudly to the chorus:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

7. Don't reach out to their friends and families to tell them how sad you are about the break up. Unless you're trying to have sex with one of them.

6. Don't go back to a previous ex to ease the pain. Hook ups with unworthy peeps from your lesser days can lead to vomiting, diarrhea, painful urination, bleeding from all orifices, and cavities.

5. Don't listen to Coldplay and don't watch Say Anything.

4. Don't eat carbs. The only thing worse than someone that's just been dumped is a gassy fat ass who's just been dumped. I don't really think that. Eat your fucking face off. and then stick your finger down your throat.

3. Don't jump from one relationship to another. Give yourself one month of being single for every year you dated your ex. If you dated for less than a year, then give yourself a week for every month you were together. Why? Cause if you're the type of person that's never been single, I hate you and I'm glad you got dumped. Just kidding, that was mean. But you deserved it.

2. Don't have break up sex with your ex. They are laughing on the inside, while spanking you. Or tugging your hair. Or using anal beads on you.

1. Don't give a shit. Your ex is a total yeast infection. And they will live to regret the day they broke your heart. We hate them. And we will gladly send someone with a mean case of the clap to seduce them.

2 comments:

  1. oh man. . . 4 is totally the best!

    ReplyDelete
  2. And #3 should be legislated into law by congress.

    ReplyDelete