Wednesday, February 2, 2011

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

The show kicks off with the hardest working man on television arriving to tell the ladies they need to pack their bags and go to Vegas. I know what you're thinking, WTF was Ryan Seacrest doing there? What I meant to say was the laziest man on television, Chris Harrison.

The girls are all giddy as we see home video like footage of them at the airport. I'd be excited too if I was getting the fuck out of the valley and out of that gnarly house. I mean, this is season 15. Think about how many gross bodily fluids and STDs have passed through that house.

Brad arrives to show the girls their fancy pants hotel suite. Now, I'm jealous. This place is super nice and it's about to get polluted by a bunch of trashy girls who've left jobs, children, and their resident tanning salons to find love.

Brad leaves them with a date card and we learn that Shawntel gets the first one on one date. I have a good feeling about Brad and Shawntel. She embalms dead people and he has the IQ of a dead person. They're meant to be!

Okay, Shawntel gets the best date so far. She gets to go on a phat (that's right, phat) shopping spree at what Brad calls the nicest mall in the world. I've been to this mall with the BF and dragged him into Fendi where the sales woman convinced me to try on a chinchilla coat. It cost $25,000. I wonder if Brad would have been all like "put it on the counter" if she picked that shit out.

When Shawntel goes back to the hotel room with all her shopping bags, the girls want to tear her eyelashes out one by one. I love how the show makes it seem like Brad slapped his Titanium Am Ex down to spoil her. ABC bought this shit and I 100% guarantee they confiscated half the stuff while Shawntel was sleeping.

Brad picks Shawntel up for dinner and she looks smoking hot. But sadly, guess where he's taking her? The motherfucking rooftop! I mean, seriously. If any guy takes me to a rooftop in the near or distant future, I'm going to throw him off it.

In Bachelor episode years, Brad and Shawntel have been dating for like an eternity and this is the first time she's telling him she's a funeral director in Chico. If I were Brad I'd skip right over the funeral thing and be like, Chico? Seriously? I just thought that was where dumb people went to college.

Anyway...Brad and Shawntel actually have a funny conversation about how she pumps dead people with chemicals. Brad tells Shawntel that his second cousin is Frankenstein. Then fireworks go off. Back at the suite, the girls strain their necks to see the fireworks and shit themselves out of jealousy. Shawntel gets a rose and she and Brad make out.

The group date card arrives and drama quickly ensues--- cause the two girls that aren't on this date card go on what's called a two on one date. What's a two on one date you might be wondering? Shucks, how do I explain this? Where is Chris Harrison when you need him?! So, a two on one is when Brad takes two girls out on a date, but can only give out one rose. Everyone freaks out when Ashley S. (the nanny) and Ashley H. (the dentist) get the two on one date. Apparently, the Ashley's are best friends and they can't stand the idea of either of them leaving. What a serious dilemma. They should just kill themselves.

Now, it's time for the group date. And guess where ABC takes them?! A NASCAR race track. Um, the producers and execs at the network are going straight to hell for this. Cause as we've heard about five times in every episode, Emily's fiance worked in racing and died in a plane crash on his way to the tracks. Note: apparently, Brad knows nothing about this.

Right about now, we get one of our golden talking head moments from Michelle who says: I am fun and hot and you should see me in a race car. And then makes a really weird face. Why is this girl still on this show? She looks and acts like a fart. I don't know what that means, but in the words of Adam Sandler's next flop, just go with it.

Emily's about to have an emotional breakdown at the race track (AKA she's smiling a little less than normal) and Brad is apparently psychic, because he picks up on it immediately. He takes her aside to talk to her and she explains for the millionth time about who her fiance was and how he died.

I did some research on Ricky Hendrick and I have to admit, reading about his death made me SO SAD. Apparently, his family is huge in the racing world and the children's hospital Emily works at was almost entirely funded by Ricky's parents. Emily also dated Dale Earnhardt, Jr a couple years ago--- but I'm guessing he was one of those guys that ran far far away from her. I was also shocked to find out that Emily's daughter is real and that she wasn't picked out of two hundred blond seven year olds in a casting file.

Moving on. Emily reveals that the only time she's been in another race car was when she was in the passenger seat and Ricky was driving. TEARS! She drives around the track and says "the first few laps were for Ricky, the last lap was for me." Poor Em. But I kind of feel like she's taking a giant crap on the memory of her dead fiance by being on this show. I think we all know where Emily really wants to be...The Bachelorette of course.

Let's get back to why ABC deserves to go to hell. They knew all about Emily's past and they still brought the girls to the race track (and not just any race track--- the one that put an end to Ricky's career as a driver after a crash caused a shoulder injury.) Chris Harrison claims that the entire season was planned way before they knew about Emily's plight. Great. Not only is Chris Harrison a lazy ass, but he's also a liar. This is the biggest load ever! And even if it was true, ABC didn't have to send Emily on this date. If Em has any self respect, she wouldn't go on the Bachelorette after the show totes exploited her.

After driving the track, the group date continues poolside. Brad keeps taking Emily aside to apologize to her for the millionth time and the othee girls are ready to find a fiance and have him die in a tragic accident so that Brad will make them feel special. This one girl whose name I can never remember says how it's not fair that Em gets all the time with Brad just because she has the worst story. Okay, this girl is a bitch. And an idiot. Clearly she doesn't know there are certain things you only think in your head and don't say out loud. Later, she whines to Brad about how she doesn't feel special. Ugh, suck it.

Chantel, being the Bachelor genius that she is, doesn't play the jealousy card and tells Brad that his kindness to Emily only makes her like him more. She's lying, cause later she cries.

Michelle the nut shell steals Brad away and my vagina vomits when they whisper sweet nothings and make out. Brad actually says that when he's around Michelle, he doesn't focus on anything but her. I knew it! Michelle's a witch. She's put a spell on Brad. He's not stupid, he's just possessed by the she-demon.

When Brad gives Emily the rose, Chantel utters one of my fave lines in the episode: "It's hard not to feel like you're some creepy person watching Brad and Emily out on a date." How creepy do you think I feel watching you all go out on dates with Mr. Personality every week?

I forgot to mention that I watched parts of this episode with the BF and he finally helped me realize who Brad reminds me of: Forrest Gump!!!

Ashley Squared kick off their 2 on 1 date by going to Viva Elvis with Brad. The nanny feels super insecure, while her bestie seems totally in her element with Brad. They practice a Cirque du Soleil routine, then head to dinner. During the appetizers, Brad totally blows off Ashley S. by saying that she'd make an incredible wife to someone, but not him. BURN! Remember how torn up these two girls were about having to go on the 2 on 1 date together? Well, the other Ashley doesn't seem at all sad to see her ex-bestie go. Ashley S balls her eyes out in the back of a limo---which annoys the shit out of me. Will one girl just make good on the promise that they will not cry on reality TV??

After his cameo performance in Viva Elvis Brad calls his therapist. Basically, when these two are on screen all I hear is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (in a British accent.)

It's the rose ceremony and Chantel and Brad have a little chat about all the time he spent with Emily. Chantel is my favorite girl on the show, BUT she's way too together and articulate for Brad. He needs someone dumb and ditsy and slow. Like him!

Brad (i.e. the producers) decide to do something to make the girl whose name I can't remember feel special. Brad gives her a small chocolate dessert made to look like a three tier cake. The cake has some green accents to it, because Brad remembered (i.e. the producers) that "wtf is her name?" girl wore green the first time they met.

My guess is that Marissa and Lisa are going home tonight, because we've never seen them talk to Brad. But then Melissa takes him aside to give him a couple love notes, since she can't send him texts. This is awkward. Brad's face screams "these notes will not get you a rose weird eyebrow lady."

Michelle locks Brad in some room, tells him not to talk, and tells him it's time to get rid of some girls. He looks genuinely afraid of her. They make out, I barf in my mouth, and Michelle tells Brad next time they're together, he can talk. I think that's why Brad likes her, cause she lets him be himself: a dum dum mute.

Then something crazy happens!!!! Chris Harrison arrives to tell everyone it's time for the rose ceremony. WHAT? How dare ABC make Chris Harrison travel to Vegas for this? The man is busy. He doesn't have time for a job!

Brad gives a rose to Michelle (are you kidding me, Forrest?), the girl whose name I can't remember who doesn't feel special, Britt, Chantal, and Jackie. As predicted, Lisa and Marissa get the boot and make fools of themselves as they cry their eyes out.

Okay, here's my prediction for the rest of the season.

Final four: it's a toss up. Chantel, Ashley H, Shawntel and either Michelle or Emily. Jackie, Alli, and Britt are going to go bye bye.

Final three: Chantel, Ashley H., Shawntel

Final two: Chantel, Ashley H

Final Rose: Ashley H. For reals.

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